Pregnancy after infertility

[bananafish81]

Thought I’d start this thread as I find myself feeling quite out of place on the ‘normal’ antenatal club threads - find it difficult to relate to being upduffed after 'just' having some sex, and thinking ahead to buying maternity clothes, how much maternity leave to take, where I’d like to give birth etc

I realise it’s entirely my own issues and that infertility world has clouded my views, but I want to scream ‘DON’T YOU KNOW EVERYTHING THAT COULD GO WRONG!!’.

There’s a thread for pregnancy after previous loss, but thought there might be some kindred spirits who are navigating the world of pregnancy after infertility

Hello again, I haven't posted for a while. I was just reading the discussion about whether or not to 'tell' that it's an IVF pregnancy - in my situation lots of friends and family knew when I was doing IVF but lots of work colleagues didn't. I didn't want to be gossiped about in work or have people head-tilt at me too much.

The other thing is that I work with a lot of doctors / health people, often people who make decisions about what CCGs will and will not fund. I didn't want to get drawn into any discussions at work about whether or not the NHS should fund IVF because I would not have been terribly dispassionate and professional about it (ie might have started sobbing and shouting in the office...)

I think that one thing to consider further down the line is that the more people who know, the more likely it is that someone will bring it up with the child when it is older. So you need to be sure you get in there first with the 'how babies are made' talk, except it'll be a bit more complicated. It'll be 'this is how most babies are made, but some babies like you are made like this ...' Which isn't that difficult, but then children will tell their friends about how they are different/special, and that could cause problems if it then gets used against them later...

I might be over thinking this though and I never did work out what was the best thing to do. This pregnancy turned up out of the blue in the old-fashioned way after 3 lots of IVF and two miscarriages. Life can be weird. (No, I didn't 'just relax', I was really bloody stressed out and miserable!!)

I also wanted to ask you all about whether you still feel a bit scarred by infertility? I am now 23 weeks and things are going fine (fingers crossed). But I've started going to pregnancy yoga and I just feel really strange being in a room full of other pregnant women with their bumps. Of course I don't know their stories and there's a good chance there are other people there that have had a really rough time of it. But I just look around the room at these women and think 'lucky lucky you'. When I was struggling to get IVF and then going through it, having to be in a room with all those women would have wrecked me, and I think I'm not quite over that yet.

And yesterday I had an email from a colleague who is only a few weeks behind me in her pregnancy. She only got married in January so probably got pregnant in the first month of trying! (yes, some massive assumptions there I know) She is a nice person and I don't wish infertility misery on anyone, but again, that would have really upset me a few months ago and I still feel a bit 'how is that fair??' about it.

Anyway I know I am not exactly being terribly rational. But I wondered if anyone else has had similar feelings?

Hi Tabby, I feel exactly the same!! I have a cousin that got married in July and announced a pregnancy 3 months later. I found out just after I thought I had gotten over a failed IVF cycle, and it bought me crashing down, even though I felt so guilty about not just being happy for my cousin. Another cousin got married in December and also announced pregnancy 3 or 4 months later. This time I knew I was pregnant but it was too soon to tell them but still, I didn't find it easy being around what I called super fertile people.

Sometimes it really doesn't seem fair and the feelings are very complex - but completely normal.

On your point about telling work about IVF, I am hesitating because of the amount of time off I needed. I was quite vague about what it was for but I had 1 week for a hysteroscopy and polyp removal under general anaesthetic last June, 2 weeks in September for IVF (all signed off by doctors) and then another week in March (taken as holiday due to feeling guilty about time off). I don't want anyone to say "oh that's why you were off...".

I know what you mean Tabby. I still feel like this pregnancy is extremely precious. There is no guarantee I will be able to go on to have further children due to my low AMH levels and endometriosis and given the length of time it took me to conceive this time I may not have any eggs left if I have even a little gap and then it takes me the same amount of time to conceive again. Because of this I refuse to take any risks which could endanger the baby and that includes at work. Luckily everyone is very understanding and most people now know my back story. I don't know if it's just the circle of people I choose to surround myself with or that generally people aren't as judgey as you may think but the support has been fantastic. From what I can gather everyone is happy for me and understands how I feel about this pregnancy and how important it is to me. Whether anyone talks about me behind my back I don't know but if thats the case I don't care, it's my life, not theirs.
However I'll tell you one thing, every morning I wake up I check I still have a bump and it wasn't all a dream! I think the stress of the last 2 years is still very much with me. I also worry about everything, every tiny thing that could go wrong. First it was miscarriage, then mmc, chromosomal abnormalities, incompetent cervix, basically anything that could rob me of having this baby.

That is reassuring, thanks guys. It is hard not to be jealous / awkward with the super-fertiles. I do think it will mostly fade in time and perhaps just leave us more empathic / considerate of others' feelings.

I too check for the bump every morning HP07! And I eat cake or chocolate if I haven't felt him move for a while - usually wakes him up in under five minutes! (Oh God I'm probably giving him diabetes / setting him up for a life of obesity!) I too doubt there'll be another one after this - I feel like I've beaten the odds already and having just hit 40 I can't see a second baby as being very likely. Although I do have some good looking blastocysts in the freezer at the clinic so we may decide to give them a chance in a couple of years - maybe. But I refuse to worry about him being an only child and anyone suggesting that this is a terrible thing for him will get a very chilly response from me!!

Blue I think that keeping a few things back from work is totally fine if that is what feels right for you and your office! I do agree with birchy that talking about it destigmatises / demystifies it, and that's a good thing, but having said that of course no one has an actual responsibility to do that!

Tabby that's for your response, I'm hoping to be able to tell people next week after my 12 week scan if all is well and want to think through the issues consequences. I appreciate everyone's response. You all raise some really valid points.

I'm not over my infertility. I think it leaves me more anxious that things will go wrong. Also I really beleive that for each failed ivf etc cycle you have a bit of grief for what might have been. its easy to think that everyone else gets pregnant easily because fertility is still taboo (one of the final taboos?) this makes it more isolating and harder to process your own struggles in relation to anyone else's.

One thing is sure, thorough out infertility there is no right answer - it's all circumstance dependent.

My last post should have started Tabby thanks for....

Massive cross post with many people I'm writing this at work trying to be subtle.

Boris - what does your partner think, does he have much of an opinion or is he not bothered? Does he think if you are very open about it, it might reflect badly on him in any way, or is he keen to keep it quieter for any other reason? Just wondering really cos it's about the two of you (or really the three of you!!) not just yourself. And some men can be very sensitive about anything that might be seen as undermining masculinity...

(this might sound like I'm having a go at you - I'm really not)

Good question tabby. DH is probably too open about things like this - he told way more people about the ivf than I did before it happened. He even told my family.... Possibly because he already has a child with his ex he feels people won't think it's his fault (even though his swimmers don't swim so we are male factor infertile...). I do think we need a co-ordinated message between us though. I'll talk to him at the weekend.....

Had appointment with consultant today and due to age and IVF they have to flag the pregnancy as high risk. But as only 2 flags they have discharged me and regraded pregnancy as low risk.

Apparently if you have 3 or more flags you need a daily injection to ensure blood clots don't form.

Thankfully don't need this as don't think I can face injections for a while.

Hope everyone is well. Xx

Great news MrsLen. The midwife offered / threatened anti clotting injections when I was pregnant after IVF and I was VERY reluctant! Anyway it never came to that with me as I had a m/c before the consultant appointment, but I do understand the feeling of 'oh really, more needles? No way! Leave me alone!'

Boris it sounds like you've got a good bloke there :)

Hello, was wondering if I could join your nice little gang? I found out yesterday I am about 7 weeks pregnant much to me and OH's total shock. Our first child was born after multiple tries at IUI, MMC (ah yes walking through everyone else flapping their scan pics about was fun), and many years.
We did IUI for number 2 but it was cancelled due to no response. Our IVF last year was also a very poor response. So we had booked all our flights/clinic etc for donor egg treatment later this year. I've been waiting for my period to turn up to start my BCP for this treatment and it didn't turn up. Plus feeling awful. I can't believe I am one of the ultimate cliches you hear about. My last period was very light which must have been implantation. TTC number 2 for 4.5 years now. Will sit in the corner and wibble for a bit, as I can't really believe this might work (age, IVF consultant said pretty much 0% chance, miscarriage risk, not been taking folic acid etc)

But hello everyone, I hope we can all stick this thing through to the happy ending!

Hey secondsunrise, that's amazing! How incredible! Come in and wibble away. And get that folic acid down your neck pronto! Are you having an early scan?

Thanks Tabby! Yes I found some folic acid in the cupboard from last year. Have convinced myself there will be something wrong with it so have been reading about Harmony test.

Hello Secondsunrise. Welcome to the group. Hope you get as much out of it as I do. :)

Sunrise I love your username - welcome. Your anxiety is normal but massive congrats on your pregnancy.

Can anyone tell me why if I don't eat the moment I wake up in the morning it feels like I'm going to autodigest my stomach! I used to skip breakfast before I got pregnant, now there is no way I could! I was starving at work this morning after my night shift and all I had was a chocolate crepe. It was not enough!

HP I don't know but I did manage t eat breakfast at 9, lunch at 10 and now I want a second lunch urgently and it's only 11.30.....

Welcome sunrise- huge congratulations! I understand the surprise as it went that way for me too. This is a great group, everyone here gets the anxiety!

Just catching up, I read your discussion re what to tell people with interest. I have to also decide on this. Ourv issue is that we booked a big trip to NZ to see family for October and told everyone- and then a month later I found out I was pregnant. So I have to tell family why I'm cancelling that obviously, and possibly people at work might ask why as well. I'd rather tell the truth than have people think it was a total accident and I can't use contraception, I think!

I'm the same re anxiety. I also don't feel I belong with 'normal' pregnant people. However I think more people have gone through this than we realise and if you are open about it people often tell you their stories too.

My husband is a little indignant that some people might think our baby was an accident, where we got over excited at Christmas and forgot protection. Pretty much everyone knows our back story now and that it certainly was no accident but a concentrated effort! ;)

HP your post made me laugh - over excited at Christmas

I have a friend who got married is in late 30's announced she was pregnant 6 months later and her mother asked in seriousness if it was planned!! I did chuckle.

Regarding telling people about ivf - I do think it's personal to everyone. I don't see anything wrong with either telling or not. It just has to be what you are comfortable with.

How is everyone today?
I'm struggling- back to work yesterday and I am exhausted today. Dh bless him text me earlier and told me to go to bed for a snooze when I get home and he will sort dinner. He can be nice sometimes hahah. Im still having mental dreams. Girl in work had soup which small made me heave a little. Other than that no sickness. I have my midwife appointment tomorrow- gotta do all that paperwork tonight 🙈

I have been working from home today so feeling less tired today but suffering terribly from hay-fever 😩 I have been trying not to take meds generally but I haven't been able to get by the last few days without!

Question for the IVF ladies - how long did you take progesterone for? Clinic said 9-10wks but discharged me at 9wks and said I wasn't ready to stop then as the placenta wasn't formed. I'm 11wks now but too scared to stop unless I'm told it's safe to!

Hi Blue I stopped the progesterone at 10 weeks as per advice from hospital.

I'm on progesterone until week 12 then half dose week 12-14. Can't wait to stop.

Good to know, thanks MrsLen and Boris. I'll carry on til my scan next week and see what the hospital says. I'm feeling the side effects more these days!