Pregnancy after infertility

[bananafish81]

Thought I’d start this thread as I find myself feeling quite out of place on the ‘normal’ antenatal club threads - find it difficult to relate to being upduffed after 'just' having some sex, and thinking ahead to buying maternity clothes, how much maternity leave to take, where I’d like to give birth etc

I realise it’s entirely my own issues and that infertility world has clouded my views, but I want to scream ‘DON’T YOU KNOW EVERYTHING THAT COULD GO WRONG!!’.

There’s a thread for pregnancy after previous loss, but thought there might be some kindred spirits who are navigating the world of pregnancy after infertility

good idea about the text lucie - but that is way down the line - I will get through this part first. I think the main concern was do I need to tell her at the moment. If I do I am kinda going against everything my body is telling me to do but the last thing I would ever want to do would be to upset her.

I will cross everything that this is coming to the end of the bleeding for you!

I looked up private scans very quickly before I started bleeding for where I live and they are £100 here - (however search was not extensive so maybe there are cheaper ones available). I am in the SW. £45 is so reasonable - its a Sat night out on the drink! and this is so much more worth that money.

Birchy, I think your friend will totally understand if you don't tell her until you feel comfortable. I think the important thing is that you tell her face to face and before anything general like Facebook.

It's a difficult balance because I know for some people they just don't really want to hear much about others pregnancies. But for me it was the other way round and I felt hurt when friends who were trying to be kind effectively shut me out of their pregnancies by not discussing it with me which made me feel leper like. Try and see if you can gauge how she would like to take it forward. If she is a very close friend and you feel it is appropriate often a godmother/sponsor type role can mean a lot to people struggling with infertility.

Thanks everyone, will look into private scans- I'm in London, can anyone recommend anywhere or just Google?

birchy DH actually sent me stats on miscarriage risk as we have a bit of a dilemma re a booked holiday in October so have to tell our parents pretty soon, so were looking into when is 'safer' to tell people. I was actually a bit reassured by how much the risk dropped between 5 and 7 weeks.

I also have a friend going through the same stuff I was and at a similar stage. I'm also worrying about how to tell her. I think I should do it face to face (we're colleagues and message outside of work but don't see each other outside of work) but now I'm wondering if text would be more thoughtful.

Forgot to say glad things are going a bit better birchy and Lucie!

I am also reassured by the decrease in miscarriage risk between 5-7 weeks. I'm 6 weeks now and I think it's around 9% but not so long ago it was 25% so it decreases quickly. My main worry is that something has already happened inside and I don't know anything about it.

Kiwi, I would rather have a text for the reasons I explained in my other message. I would far rather have some time to process it on my own and then come back to you with a response when I'm ready rather than be put on the spot face to face and have to act happy and smiley when maybe I'm a little shocked and feel sad that it hasn't happened for me. Everyone is different though and you know your friend best. I can't help with scanning places in London. I've just googled my area and found the cheapest.

Kiwi sorry to jump in.
I am not pregnant but hope to join you guys in a few weeks in my fet goes well.

My first pregnancy I had bleeding and I paid 100 at Lewisham hospital for a private scan. Fantastic experience they were lovely. Unfortunately it ended in a miscarriage a few days later but if you are close you could look on their website.

I think what I found difficult about the risks is I'm not yet past the 5 week stage (5+5) :-( and when I looked at risks also in accordance with over one year to fall pregnant it was higher than I thought. I just dont think any risk is an acceptable risk to me and that is were my issue is because it is never not going to be any risk. I do make myself laugh at myself about how unreasonable I can be haha
I need to just keep reminding myself 2 months ago I didnt even think getting to this stage was possible! So I am thankful for every minute of worry.
I think I will feel much better after 7 weeks and I see a heart beat and maybe actually start enjoying it after 12 weeks instead of analysing every last thing.
I am going to not think about telling others for the time being. I hope it is an issue so much but it may not be. I will also maybe tell our joint friend first and see if she has any thoughts (joint friend has no kids and is not trying).

Vixx good luck for the next few weeks!

Luice I understand your worries - that is something i would be terrified about. I think a scan def helped me with that and it is keeping me sane knowing I have another one coming up. I dont know how I will cope if they send me away for 6 weeks until my 12 week scan haha neurotic woman alert here!

Can I also ask - did anyone have morning sickness at this stage

All reading I have done suggests it is good to have morning sickness. i dont have one bit of it. Thought of food sometimes makes my stomach roll and I dont have much of an appetite.

However Im not sure if I am too early for morning sickness anyway

Hi everyone, Today I am so excited to have woken up to no spotting/bleeding of any kind! When I saw the midwife yesterday and she checked baby's hb she said maybe the clot was what needed to come out and it would then stop. I think she was right! Horaay! Might start again but for now I'm happy. I'm still off work today and have no more shifts til next weds so plenty of time to take it easy :)

Birchy - a text may well be the way to go. When one of my close friends told me she was pregnant I just wanted to get out of their as fast as I could. I hadn't told her about the fertility problems at that point so she didn't know how I was feeling at all. I smiled and said all the right things and then went home and cried to my husband. We had been at another friends house for dinner and I was about to tell them that I had to have surgery to remove a chocolate cyst on my ovary when she made her announcement, I had been plucking up the courage all evening and then I couldn't say anything. I think if your friend has time to think, cry etc at home before she congratulates you then it may be that tiniest bit easier for her.

Morning sickness didn't start until well into the 6th week for me and lasted until about 11 weeks. Don't wish/hurry it along, it wasn't good fun!

One thing I have learned so far is that you so just have to take each stage/day as it comes because it actually doesn't get any easier! You will worry right to the bitter end and beyond. We would all still be worrying if there was a baby in our arms right now, that I'm absolutely sure of! Making and being responsible for a person is scary!

Good luck vixx and congrats blue.

Thanks HP07 I was pretty scared to even post so thanks for that. And I'm really pleased the bleeding has stopped for you, here's hoping it's all smooth sailing from here for you.

Thanks vixx will look into it. Good luck!

Lucie I totally see that re the text. Thanks for pointing it out. I've obviously suffered through a lot of announcements so know how hard it is and don't want to upset her. She's been an amazing support IRL. I'm the same as you re fear something has happened, especially as I haven't had a scan yet. Possibly irrationally I am a bit less scared than when I found out two weeks ago.

birchy I also don't have morning sickness. I'm 7+1. I am the same as you, not much appetite especially in evenings- or I get starving but fill up quickly. And sometimes stomach feels a bit weird but not proper sickness. Also feel like symptoms would reassure me!

Not everyone gets morning sickness kiwi, don't worry. My sister, sister in law and a friend all only got about a day of nausea or none at all and their babies are just fine ;)

Hi Birchy, if it were me, I think I'd also prefer the text, and I'm sure your friend will respect you telling her when you feel it's the right time for you.

A completely different scenario, but I was quite shocked today when a neighbour and friend of mine who I haven't spoken to for months who knows about my history (but didn't know I was pregnant now) called to say she had just met a new guy and fallen pregnant the first week she met him, never even thought she wanted kids and it turns out she hasn't even had a positive pregnancy test yet, she just knows! For the first time it actually felt like someone was trying to hurt me or gloat because of my history and it was completely bizarre. I'm wondering if anybody else has had that kind of experience? I think I would have been quite devastated if I hadn't been pregnant. On another level I'm happy for her as she's 42 and she's ecstatic, but I think in her place I would have waited for the positive test at least and maybe not called me out of the blue at work! Am I being unreasonable?!

Hi Tacoyaki, I've never heard of anyone announcing a pregnancy before taking a test. Bizarre!

I still get a little bit upset with pregnancy announcements even though I'm pregnant because I can't share my news yet. My cousin got married in December and announced her news recently, and other cousins are due soon. I agree text is kindest if you know there are difficulties so they can process in their own time.

Re morning sickness, I haven't really got it. I feel nauseous a lot of the time and my appetite is all over the place but I am not sick very often. I have to be careful when I travel because standing on a train/tube even for one stop makes me horribly sick! I have now learnt my lesson and if I don't get offered a seat, I ask and if still no seat I'll wait for the next one (I have a badge, it usually works).

Tacoyaki I get where you're coming from. I was also upset recently. A friend messaged me and said " I've got news I've been meaning to share, I've a baby on the way. I'm so excited!!!" She was one of the few people who I had told what we were going through, so I just didn't expect it. I was still upset but not as much as if I wasn't pregnant. It just seemed so thoughtless. DH thinks she has forgotten what I told her but I think she just doesn't really care- when I did tell her she wasn't sympathetic anyway.

Thanks HP I'll try not to worry about not being sick. I definitely feel weird!!

I think you find out a lot about people when you go through tough times. I talked to a really good friend about what I was going through last year and her reaction hurt me to the core. So much so DH & I didn't tell anyone (other than parents) when we went though the treatment last year. There were complications and it didn't work and I suffered from depression and anxiety, and eventually some kind words from concerned friends caused me to tell them everything.

This cycle, I had the support of 4 trusted friends that I could text anytime and they would check up on me. It made me feel so much better. I also knew that I could rely on their support if things didn't work, I told them early on that I was pregnant for the same reason. One friend had a difficult pregnancy and premature birth last year, another is going through the same thing but about a year behind me, and the other two are just sympathetic listeners.

I'm sure it's not for everyone but this support has definitely helped me.

I also don't feel that I'll ever put it on Facebook, when I'm ready to announce I think I will just want to personally tell the people that I want to know.

I told work today because of the time off that I'll be needing (and for some understanding if things go wrong). My manager was surprisingly supportive!

I agree blue re not putting on Facebook. Great your manager was supportive. Sorry I can't remember, how many weeks are you? I'm thinking of leaving it as long as possible to tell work. I have only told one friend who is my big support. Thinking of telling family soon.

Hi Kiwi, I'm 7+4. It's great that you have good support.

I didn't post on fb but my older sister was so excited she asked me if she could put up a post of my nieces holding a picture of the scan and saying 'were so excited to announce were expecting a baby cousin'. I agreed because I think that its very important to include family in welcoming a new baby into the world and I knew it would make her happy. I didn't mind about it as it was a really lovely gesture but I wouldn't have put it on my page otherwise. I think each to their own and do whatever you are comfortable with.

HP that's very sweet, what a nice idea!

Hi - is it ok if I join?
After years of trying, we decided to have fertility tests around two years ago only to discover that it was very unlikely that we would ever conceive naturally. Due to health problems on my side we had to hold off on IVF for a while which was incredibly difficult. Finally last year we were given the all clear to try IVF and decided to go privately. I find out in November last year that I am pregnant. It was a huge shock & I had completely convinced myself it hadn't worked. I was mentally preparing myself for more IVF. I can totally relate to everyone's stories. Although different, I think other pregnant women don't understand the anxiety you go through when you are convinced after years of treatment & trying that you will never have a child only to find by some magic it has happened.
I spent a lot of evenings crying to my hubby after finding out friends were pregnant, relatives. It is very hard. My anxiety levels have been through the roof!! I have had numerous scans, something that people going through normal pregnancy can't understand, but if you have waited years for this moment you can't believe it & think someone will take it away at any point.
I am sending positive vibes to all of you.
My advice on telling people, & everyone is different, is wait until you are ready. I waited until I was 14 weeks to tell family, other my parents & in-laws. For friends it was nearly 18 weeks. I couldn't face after everything & all the previous disappointments telling people it had gone wrong.
Hope everyone is having a fun relaxing Saturday!!

What a lovely end to your story Thom. You must be over half way there?

Anyone got any nice plans for the weekend? My husband has some money put away from Christmas for us to spend on a day out. Any nice, pregnancy friendly ideas? Hope everyone is well.

Hi thom and welcome, that's a lovely story!

My spotting is now very dark brown. I'm hoping its old stuff which hasn't come out the past few days. I've just booked in for my first scan on Wednesday when I will be 6+4 I'm so scared I think I'm going to be crying before I get in there!!

Good luck Lucie, it's such an emotional time. Brown is old blood. Might just be your body getting rid of the stuff it doesn't need. We'll all be thinking of you on Wednesday.