40+ and pregnant? Come and join the fun!

[cloudjumper]

I am 43 and currently pg with DC2, due early January. I thought it would be nice to have a thread for the pregnant ladies of 'older vintage', similar to the 40+ ttc thread, for advice, support and the occasional moan.

I've just told my parents I'm pregnant to the most negative reaction. Feeling so upset right now even though I expected it :( Lots of head shaking and negative comments about how stupid I am thinking it wouldn't happen as my son (20 months) was IVF. Feeling extra hurt as my 32 year old sis is pregnant too and we are due within days and it was met with squeals of delight and joy for her. Apparently it different with her as she only has one (oh and I'm amost 40 - unspoken) Really wondering if I'm doing the right thing now and feeling pretty low :(

Screw what they think Vik YOU are happy about it and that's what matters. No doubt they'll come around when the baby is here but it's appallingly awful of them to rain on your parade like that.

for you

Vik - how sad and frustrating, why can't they just keep their thoughts to themselves and be happy for/with you Do you get on with your sister, could she have a word with them? Otherwise I'd say what's been said - leave them to it and do your thing. You need to focus on yourself and your happiness

That's awful Vik - how hurtful.

I suspect I'll get a semi-critical response when I get round to telling my dad in particular, but we're going to wait until we've had all the checks first. There is an element of 'quit while you're ahead' when you're older parents with a healthy child, but at the same time it will be lovely for DS to have a sibling.

What is a Harmony test?

Thanks so much gooorooo and cloudjumper. I don't know how to tag you (never joined a chat forum before?!) I guess I really just needed to hear it will be okay, maybe a congratulation not an arsenal of questions about my house, my finances (I was about to return to work, well thinking about it!) I felt like I was in court with the family under cross examination! I do get on with my sister, she was actually there when I told them and wasn't exactly positive either. I don't know, we are a close family and we will be fine when they get over the shock I guess. I kind of already knew my mums first response would be negative followed by how it would effect her life - she suffers with anxiety and quite often makes everything all about her but it was the general lack of happiness from everyone there (my dad, sis, bro in law) and the comments that just made me feel so down. I thought my sister would be happier to be honest. Maybe it took the shine off her own pregnancy, I don't know. It felt like everyone wanted to point out potential problems. I guess I just needed some positivity from people in a similar situation who don't think I'm mad for going ahead. After what I went through with the IVF and all those years trying beforehand (and failing) I have to look at this as a blessing not a curse. I know there are people (I was one) who would swap with my position in a heartbeat and so I feel guilty for not quite being in that happy accepting place yet. I drift in and out of excitement and then sheer terror! Morning sickness not helping the moods either. I will be though ...soon with like people to talk to so thanks for the support and tomorrow I'll feel more im sure. thanks for the . ?? Xxx

Thanks mrsleBon glad you asked about Harmony Test too, was thinking the same!

Good luck telling your Dad. xx

The Harmony Prenatal Test is a blood test for trisomies 21 (Down syndrome), 18, and 13 (Pataus and Edwards). 99% accurate - not generally available on the NHS and about £500 privately. You can have it from about 10 weeks.

No invasive risk like there is with an amnio.

Harmony is just what Gooorooo said. My understanding is that the baby sheds dna in cells which can be picked up in the mummy's blood , isolated and tested. Because it's dna you can also find out the definite sex as well - we are. Ours was £350; £75 of that was paid to consultant and we will be invoiced the rest directly from the lab. My samples went to lab in London and then sent to US as only a few labs do it globally.

Thanks GoooRooo - I had an amnio last time as I was 1 in 60 for Downs and I definitely remember them mentioning Edwards. So I guess I had the invasive version (which actually, I didn't find that bad).

Fingers crossed for your results bringthethunda x

Hello. 40 here too, 28+3 with dc1, so on the October bus :)

Thanks GoooRooo!

Vic, that's a horrible reaction from your family. Some people unfortunately will make it all about them, and it's worse when it's your own relatives! I got Dh to tell FIL this time cos his reaction was so meh the last time that I didn't want to be there when he found out.

Vik298, I think people can't help having an opinion on us older mums but we do just have to ignore it and enjoy our pregnancies ( even though it can be extremely upsetting) my parents have been great but I remember a work colleague listing the statistics on 40+ pregnancies During my lunch.... And quizzing me about if baby had any defects this was all 2 days before my twelve week scan !!! I went home and cried ... Googled it and worried some more.

Yay...I found you all :). Waves to Cloud and Grizzer. Just a quicky as off for my gender scan in about half an hour and I'm still languishing in my dressing gown with a cup of tea!!!
Hello to all other 40plus lovely pregnant ladies.
I'm 45....16w5 with twins...eeek. DH 25....eek again!! lol. I have three beautiful dc's aged 24 and 21 and 18, so a fair old gap.
Will try and update and catch up again later but it may be a busy one as packing up to go away first thing tomorrow morning :)

Terrible to hear of some of the reactions you guys have had to put up with. As long as your partners and you are happy that's all that matters but I know it must sting.

I did notice the response was a lot more muted this time round. With the first one, knowing our struggles etc, everyone was OOH AAH and this time it's more OHH OK. I've also had "ooh second one already, you beat me to it!" and "that's hilarious" from my boss. People are strange.

Good luck for your Harmony results bring. I had a call after 8 days with the results :)

And hi batman!

Hi - I'm 42 and 7w5d with DC3. DP is 37.
I have a DD (7) and DS (5) with exH.
I'm dreading telling my family. I only split with exH just over a year ago and have been with DP about 11 months. We're not in a good place, financially. It's not the best timing. But we couldn't terminate, so here we are.
I haven't even met DP's family yet. I'm particularly worried about meeting his mum! Her poor little boy, entrapped by a manipulative older woman..
Sorry - didn't mean to sound so negative!!! But I'm not feeling the uncomplicated excitement I felt with DCs 1&2. It's an odd place I'm in and still half expecting to mc - it doesn't seem real yet.

Hello ladies,

Hope you are all well and those of you who've been suffering are feeling a bit better today. sebsmummy - great news for you.

vik - sympathies to you too! We had not quite the same reaction as you but ours is a surprise and everyone clearly felt that we were daft too - except my dad who loves babies. Which didn't help as it took me a little while to get my head round it but we are very excited now, as are the DC so just ignore everyone! This whole thing is making me very into our growing family and less concerned with everyone else. in-laws have just moved and are very into that and hardly ever ask how the pregnancy is going or show any interest at all. We are clearly going to be left to sort everything ourselves but flip side to that is that am not worrying about anyone else.

Just focus on yourselves if you can but I know it must be very hurtful. Come and vent to us all and just think how exciting it will be. My bump is growing every day and is showing definite signs of personality thus far - and other DC so excited. Look forward to all that. x

That's how I felt early on seldom, it took me a while to get my head round it and I was always expecting it to go wrong as though that was 'meant to be' but here we are! Try to be positive with MIL (good luck) as sometimes the responses we get mirror our expectations of the responses we think we're going to get.

Good advice there longday - the more indifferent reactions I get the more it makes me determined to build my own happy family. Great that your dad loves babies though! My FIL is like that which is really nice.

Thanks crumble - it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one to have felt like this. I feel I should be unequivocally happy but I'm not. I imagine I'll feel more positive as it starts to sink in a bit. I will try to be all cheery sweetness and light when I meet the MiL.

I'm sorry to hear about the negative reactions and some conflicted feelings. I really hope families will come round and be positive. Why can't people manage their emotions enough not to say hurtful things - I mean it's a done deal isn't it and if you're happy they should be able to put on a happy smile for you.

We didn't bother with the Harmony test as our egg donor is young and we'd already spent a fortune on IVF treatment. The risks from the triple test came back low so I'm hoping we made the right choice for us.

Thank you, crumble, this is a lovely thread.

seldom, I can really relate to your feelings and would just say don't underestimate the impact of your hormones right now. It's a very unreal time, especially with every stat telling you the odds are against you and i found it really hard to think clearly, cope with feeling unwell (and I didn't have any major problems) and also deal with a massive feeling of guilt towards my existing DC. We didn't tell anyone until after 12 weeks which really helped us and the children's reaction was so lovely it made up for any other indifferent ones. Oh, and the waves of judgement from other people! BUT there have been some stand out reactions and it has really surprised
me how supportive some people who I didn't know that well have been and genuinely delighted. The best bit of advice I had was from a friend of mine who had her first after years of IVF and then two surprise ones within 20 months of each other, the last when she was 42. All she said was 'you'll be fine' and it just calmed me right down and made me realise we will be. And appreciate how lucky we are. Much as I find being pregnant a bit restrictive, and didn't have that same initial excitement, as you said, the benefit of it being a 9-month process is that you really have time to get used to it. Once the baby starts to move it becomes so real and I look at my other DC and realise it's one of them. And 7 months, I am now at the 'really-want-to-have-it-now' stage - nature knows what it's doing!

Thank you, LongDay. I do think hormones + nausea + tiredness are contributing to my mood. As you say, I've got a long time to prepare mentally.
I am going on holiday with my parents and all 3 sisters and their families in 8 days' time. I'll have to tell them - when they see these tits in a swimsuit, they'll know for sure! Plus me not drinking, obviously. I'd prefer to wait til after the 12 week scan, but it can't be helped.
I don't want to tell my DCs yet, though. Just hope my family can be discreet in front of them!

Couldn't have summed it up better myself longday! It does slow down and then you wish baby was there already!
I wish I was getting regular kicks but I'm still in the "was that movement or trapped wind" stage.

Good luck with the holiday seldom! For me, not drinking - especially on holiday - would have been a definite giveaway too. I would have been the first to open the prosecco (sigh).

Hi everyone, I'm 40 and 30 weeks along today. I think I'm in a slightly different boat to most on here in that I decided to go it alone and used donor sperm (through IVF to up my chances). I also live in Spain where the procedures and scans etc seem to be quite different to those in the UK.

Anyway, just thought I would pop in and say hello!

Can't belive people are giving you negative reactions - particularly those of you who've gone through years of fertility issues. I mean wtf? Surely a pregnancy at any age is a blessing. What the hell does it matter if you're 32 or 42. It's about how healthy your body is not the number. Bunch of idiots. Smack em all from me!!! Had scan today and all fine. Puts me at 6w5d so lost a couple of days but he said you might make up some days at later scan when more accurate. Still feel sick and now have a cold courtesy of the baby! Also now starting to wonder how we will cope with two under two! DH is 34 btw x