should i have a babyshower in the UK? My husband says its wrong!

[brandnewmam]

I'm feeling conflicted, my mum really wants me to have a baby shower so we can get all the girls in both sides of the family together to celebrate the baby coming and to have a nice time together (she wants me to invite friends and co workers as well). However, when talking about another baby shower to some friends at work they didn't know what to do, they said they felt they needed to bring a gift to the baby shower (as its custom?) but they also felt they wanted to bring a gift when the baby was born (British custom and an excuse to see baby) tbh they were slightly complaining about this as they felt that they HAD to buy two gifts and my husband agreed with this and says i shouldn't have one as its not British custom! I don't want people to think i'm only having one because i want gifts!! Should i still throw one?

mrsnec - a gifts not expected, but if so 'hand me downs only' baby shower sounds sweet actually. I've said up thread I'm not a major fan of the gift list sort, but that sounds nice.

I would have one but don't call it a shower.
I'm having a "help me celebrate my last weeks of freedom" get together before baby no 3 arrives, I'll be making it clear that I don't want gifts, just a good laugh with my friends and lots of chocolate!

I am an American who is getting to know British customs because of a possible move to the UK. I am late at responding to this thread. I think a Baby Shower is a great way to "shower" the baby with gifts but I do understand that it is not a British custom and how it can be perceived as selfish,etc. In America, the custom of a Baby Shower is one that is a result of the love of the family of the mom-to-be. Never, ever in going to a Baby Shower or having my own, have I felt that the mother was doing it out of wrong motives. No one ever throws their own Baby Shower. The family or friends do. As much as it is looked at as completely useless in the UK, in America, it is looked at as nonsense if you don't allow someone to give you one. Also, in America we usually do not give the baby gifts after he/she is born. That is what the Baby Shower is for. If there are gifts after the baby is born, it is usually by the grandparents or close relatives who can't get enough of spoiling the baby. I understand how it can look like us Americans are thinking it's all about us and the baby because of taking part in a Baby Shower. I am here to say that it truly isn't. I have met more women, actually, who don't want to make a fuss. They would rather not their family spend the money or have eyes all on them (and their baby bump) that day. However, it's a strong tradition and most pregnant women are not going to win the fight over someone not throwing them a Baby Shower. Also, more than ever, Baby Showers in America are becoming more about the true meaning of motherhood. Many will be filled with times of advice, stories or even special games that are meant to bring out the celebration of the life that will soon be born. So, as much as I completely understand why British women want to stay away from Baby Showers, I wanted to express a little more about the meaning behind them in the U.S. and let everyone know that it really isn't about being selfish.

Sorry not read the whole thread but could you promote it as a "girl's night" rather than a baby shower and then take it from there

Well I am not American but will most definately be having a baby shower as have all my friends when they were pregnant!
It is the perfect excuse for all the girls to get together one last time before the baby comes and we have all really enjoyed them each time. To be honest I don't know anyone that hasn't had one when they were pregnant!
My sister is throwing mine later on (only 15 weeks now) and my friends are already asking about it!!
I think it should be everyone's personal decision but its a good excuse to enjoy yourself before u are too tired to go out for a while xx

'I have met more women, actually, who don't want to make a fuss. They would rather not their family spend the money or have eyes all on them (and their baby bump) that day. However, it's a strong tradition and most pregnant women are not going to win the fight over someone not throwing them a Baby Shower.'

MidwestMama, are you honestly defending baby showers by telling us that many American women share the reservations expressed by lots of people in this thread but are bullied into them by their friends and family?

Oh wow such hate for baby showers! My sisters organised a beautiful afternoon tea party/ baby shower as I'd had to postpone my wedding due to illness, and they thought i deserved a celebration. It was a wonderful opportunity to bring together members of both mine and my dp's family and celebrate the newest members' imminent arrival. I did not include a gift list, but got complaints from those invited that I hadn't as they wanted an idea of how they could help out and didn't want to all buy the same thing! I loved the chance to dress up and see everyone- had it simply been a 'night out' not formal gathering im sure the more distant relatives of dp's family wouldn't have turned up. As it was they did and we had a great time getting to know each other without dp having to initiate the meeting.
I'm surprised at how hated these things are, im sure that regardless of whether or not I'd had my shower I would have received gifts from those who would want to give them, despite my protests that nothing was needed. I completely understand they are not everyone's cup of tea, but each to their own, I think they can be tasteful and fun if done in the right way and for the right reasons. Funnily enough though we wouldn't dream of having one for second baby, it just wouldn't seem right although I can't explain why!

My friend really wanted to throw me a 'baby shower' and organise it so have let her - i would never organise one myself as don't particularly like being shouty about baby etc or feel like am demanding gifts/attention. She asked me if I have a baby gift list, to which I said no, i don't expect presents at all! Just a get together with some close girl friends for tea and cake before baby comes and I may not see them as often - thats the important bit to me.

My friend really wanted to throw me a 'baby shower' and organise it so have let her - i would never organise one myself as don't particularly like being shouty about baby etc or feel like am demanding gifts/attention. She asked me if I have a baby gift list, to which I said no, i don't expect presents at all! Just a get together with some close girl friends for tea and cake before baby comes and I may not see them as often - thats the important bit to me.

ZZOMBIE THREAD ALERT.

It's great to have a party to celebrate a milestone.

Just don't call it a shower if you are hosting it yourself, or if you don't want gifts. No need whatsoever to appropriate the name of one specific type of gathering in order to mislabel something else.

Ive never been to one but ould quite like to. And pregnant women can have a glass of champagne - theres a lot of "not for the mother to be of course" on thos thread

Not keen on baby showers and won't be having one.

I will probably however have a small get together with friends before my baby arrives - maybe go out for lunch.

I went to one last year and it was cringe worthy. Stupid bunting and games and to be honest everyone looked v uncomfortable. I bought the mother to be a small gift of lip gloss and skin care stuff rather than anything for the baby.

Sorry, another vote against. If you want to see everyone why not just meet people for lunch/coffee etc, having a get together specifically about your baby is a bit me me me IMO, sorry.

My friends specifically wanted to make the get together about the impending baby though...and Id like to see them all together, I didn't feel like I was being all me me me, although wondering if I should ask them to call it off now!

@snickersnacker: midwestmama might just be feeling a bit self-conscious about being American.

I am American. I have been to one baby shower here in Scotland, and several back home. None of them have ever been "grabby", for heaven's sake. It's something your mom, aunties, sisters, best friends, etc., throw for you.

It is traditional in the US - as it is over here - to give a bride and groom gifts that will help them set up their household. I think that tradition came about in the days when dating and engaged couples were always living together before the big day, so might not have much. It is also traditional in the US to help a new mom and pop out with the start-up costs of having a baby. Same as over here, the average age of first-time parents used to be a lot younger - the couples having the babies were traditionally just starting out in their adult lives and actually needed the help.

Giving presents before the baby is born ... well, I guess a lot of Americans are optimistic that the baby will arrive safely, and therefore, feel it is best to be prepared for its arrival. I also understand the views over here - that if anything went wrong with that baby, it would crush Mom and Dad to see loads of baby things at home, so giving presents before the baby is born could be insensitive. What you feel is the right thing to do there probably depends on how you look at it.

*were not always living together

Wow, so many haters out there! Aren't baby showers along the same lines as a hen do?? Minus the gifts maybe? It's an opportunity to get together with your girlfriends and celebrate a really happy moment in your life. What could possibly be wrong with that? Other than the fact you're sober at a baby shower

I had one thrown for me as a surprise. I would never have planned one for myself.

I had a distant relative organise her own baby shower and all I could think of was that she wanted the presents. She was quite indignant when not a lot of people turned up.

I think you should have a get together with all the family. It'll be lovely. If your mum is happy to organise an actual baby shower then maybe let her but insist on making it known that presents aren't a requirement.

I will be having a baby shower organised by my mum. It was meant to be a surprise but she got to excited! It is not women only though so a lot of friends and family, plus kids, are invited. I think its so lovely to have everyone together, involved and excited. I wont think badly of those who choose not to come nor will i expect any presents but i do know a lot of people are super excited for me and are all looking for excuses to run out and buy something for baby.

Those who are super against are entitled to an opinion but i think its a sad state of affairs when it is frowned upon to celebrate with friends and family the birth of a baby and seems crazy people are so desperate not to become 'Americanized' that they would deprive themselves and their closest loved ones of a get together for baby.

I know i will not be up to huge amount of visitors after baby is born and i know i will only be seeing my closest friends and family for a good few weeks afterwards so those a little outside the circle still feel involved, if they want to be. The point of a baby shower is to celebrate a pending birth, not the presents. If presents are given then great, i know that i feel good giving gifts to others just because i enjoy giving and many of my friends and family feel this way also and i would arrange for something similar for anyone close to me who is pregnant because i would enjoy it just as much!

You all sound a little jealous of those of us who have a shower organised and i'm sure if a shower was sprung upon you, you would enjoy it and be grateful for the support and kindness.

I think it's a tacky, greedy concept (have noticed stores now do "baby lists") and would also feel like it's tempting fate! we received lots of lovely, generous presents after the baby was born and I'd hate people to feel obligated to give 2 gifts. I'd prefer to celebrate once the baby has arrived safely!

A friend of my OH wanted to throw me one and we 'declined' as politely as we could. I'm from Yorkshire - OH is Scottish and we'd rather eat our own heads than to be part of one (I know... so v. v. British). They're becoming increasingly popular here (East Anglia) and I've always declined invitations... (sigh... work commitments). I know of one where the Mumtobezilla threw her own, had a list, also got the same friend to bake a load of cupcakes (FOR FREE!). The horrid, grabby low-life then has not spoken to aforementioned friend since. Vile...

Anyhow - 'tis an American custom... they know how to do it right. We don't - we have our own customs...

PS - Have a shed load of second hand baby stuff from friends anyway... why would I want more!?!

I agree with emmo - I just don't see the harm if people want to do it for you and are excited about the baby.

Fatandlumpy - that woman sounds horrible, I'd never be so ungrateful as I am sure none of us having showers here would. There are always going to be people like that though, doesn't mean everyone having "showers" (tbh not a great word!) is 'grabby', showy and selfish etc

If you were to arrange it yourself i would disagree, its a bit like a kitchen tea really, its meant to be a suprize. I dont understand why everyone is so anti really, im not in uk but not american either, and if were not invited to someone close to me's baby shower i would be kind of upset.... Its not about getting gifts at all! In fact i am going to my neighbours shower tomorrow - its a fun thing and a chance for all the ladies to get together and have a glass of wine (obviously not mum to be) and a chinwag. The 'entrance fee' is a packet of wipes. I hardly thing a packet of wipes is gonna kill the bank now... If you want to take another gifts, its entirely up to you but its not expected! I always take toiletries though as even if mum gets bottles and bottles, they will always get used.

I will wait until baby is born and buy something else. As we are close friends i would do this anyway.

Yeah - I know - apologies if I come across as a bit 'anti' it's just the concept makes me feel uncomfortable as there's no precedence in British custom. Also, (as far as I understood it) it was more customary in the UK to give gifts and/or cash once the baby is born.

The concept of celebrating a pregnancy is, however, 'nice' and so we're having a BBQ in a couple of weeks (if the weather improves) where peeps have been told NOT to bring pressies (in case there's any confusion - as I said before - 'showers' are becoming more frequent here).

I think the main problem is that the majority of the people in the UK (that I've seen and/or heard about) that have these parties have got the custom wrong. I have an Aunt in the US and so I'm familiar with certain concepts and customs that are handled very differently over there as they are over here. The vast majority of the showers I've heard about have been organised by the M2B's themselves... which is inherently 'bad form' - but these individuals lack the self awareness to realise this.

Hence the odious behaviour of the Mumtobezilla I mentioned earlier.

Similar to many things that we've tried to import from the USA (fast food, chat shows, certain styles of sitcoms, all-you-can-eat restaurants) - it just doesn't work over here. We just don't 'get it'.