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Original poster

should i have a babyshower in the UK? My husband says its wrong!

205 replies

brandnewmam · 31/08/2012 09:31

I'm feeling conflicted, my mum really wants me to have a baby shower so we can get all the girls in both sides of the family together to celebrate the baby coming and to have a nice time together (she wants me to invite friends and co workers as well). However, when talking about another baby shower to some friends at work they didn't know what to do, they said they felt they needed to bring a gift to the baby shower (as its custom?) but they also felt they wanted to bring a gift when the baby was born (British custom and an excuse to see baby) tbh they were slightly complaining about this as they felt that they HAD to buy two gifts and my husband agreed with this and says i shouldn't have one as its not British custom! I don't want people to think i'm only having one because i want gifts!! Should i still throw one?

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DowntonOut · 31/08/2012 13:57

I actually found mine quite humbling. Not great in my hormonal state, as i spent a lot if it in tears. It can't be grabby if you know nothing about it. And it was my guests who demanded I open all the gifts, I would have happily tucked them away until later. I'm pregnant again, and would not dream of wanting or expecting another, but would plan one when any of the women behind mine became pregnant, because clearly they believe it is a nice thing to do.

RightsaidFreud · 31/08/2012 13:57

"Unfortunately that means we need to shoulder the costs of most of the baby stuff ourselves, which is something you don't really have to do in the US. But I'd rather not "offend" people... "

Please explain why you think anyone else should find your desire for a baby, Pesh.

SECONDED.

JustFabulous · 31/08/2012 13:59

specify not specift

fund, not find

vezzie · 31/08/2012 14:07

I x-posted with JustFabulous and I think I sort of touched on why some US people think they should get a lot of help from their friends and family with baby stuff?

I think they should grow up and go to freecycle though (joke) (mostly)

I resent present-orientated-parties organised by people much more well-off than me at which I am coerced into subsidising things or experiences far more expensive and posher than I would ever, ever be able to afford for myself. I count weddings in this. My babies had a second hand cot (calm down, new mattress) second hand prams, second hand clothes (not all), no stupid packaged foods at £456,567 the lb... no mechanical swings, no special furniture (it's a chest of drawers, for heaven's sake!), no posh changing bag... I know this is how some people feel the need to live and don't think they have actually had a baby unless they have a million new white objects with matching watercolours of Bambi on, but I can't afford to live like that and would rather make my own decisions about what presents I will give other people.

TiggerWearsATriteSmile · 31/08/2012 14:12

Grabby, needless and commercial.
If you want to meet with the womenfolk in your family do.
Don't make a song and dance about it.

I would hate to be invited to one of these.

AGiraffeOnTheDivingBoard · 31/08/2012 14:17

Having a baby is going the same way as a getting married. People believe you need to spend vast amounts of money to get it "right". You just don't. Don't get sucked in.

I was in a panic first time round thinking I needed so much stuff and wasn't a good mother unless I had it all and spent a fortune unnecessarily. This is neatly summed up by the fact I bought PFB DS (before he was even born) a fancy baby hair brush. He didn't even bloody well have hair until he was about two years old and even then t was so fine then it never needed brushing.

It's just baby places wanting your cash and exploiting your paranoia. Or it's feeding your competitive streak that you want matching this and the best stuff so you and baby look best at your postnatal group.

Your baby does not give a flying fuck what the changing bag is like.

Mind you there's nothing like labour and looking after a new born to teach you that all that stuff is meaningless...

Emmiedarling · 31/08/2012 14:17

To clarify, I haven't organised it myself. My best friend decided to do it and then she made a 'gift list' for me. I didn't really think too much of it - though it was me that said can you make sure it says that I do not expect gifts. And I really don't, but my friends are the types of girls who would bring me things whatever I said.

I think my friends, particularly my best friend, are really aware of what a tricky time I've had in the past year. They thought I would be appreciative of everyone coming together to show support.

Whether or not you call it a baby shower or not - well, does not matter in the slightest to me.

Grabby I still disagree with, because the people coming know me and know that im not that sort of person.

On the list? Some baby flannels, a blanket, mother care muslins - that type of thing.

I really did just want to share my thoughts on this and I'm fine with people who don't agree with showers. Every one is different! I don't really think I warrant having any mean replies though - not necessary and im having a 34 week weepy day so please be kind! ;-)

DollFisher · 31/08/2012 14:18

Well I think the OP has her answer now if going by the majority vote! But only you know your own friends and family and how they would respond to it.

I'm more opposed to wedding gift lists than baby showers to be honest, especially when most of the people getting married these days already live together and have all their household stuff.

I think baby showers are usually done for first time babies only anyway :)

IslaValargeone · 31/08/2012 14:27

If you include a gift list with an invite, you are being 'grabby' no matter how you try and convince yourself otherwise.
If you want a get together with cake have one, but don't use "It's my last opportunity before baby comes,blah blah" to send an invite with a gift list.
Ugh, Ugh and thrice Ugh.

IslaValargeone · 31/08/2012 14:30

Have just seen your latest post Emmie, so I see you didn't organise it yourself.
Best of luck with baby, and don't be weepie xxx

MrsSchadenfreude · 31/08/2012 14:34

I went to one. It was American. There was NO ALCOHOL. It kicked off at 7.00 pm and we were offered coffee, FFS. And not even a piece of cake to go with the coffee.

Please note that if you throw one for Brits, they will expect wine.

YoullLaughAboutItOneDay · 31/08/2012 14:34

I am with the majority of posters in that I find the whole idea of baby showers very odd and uncomfortable. A bit grabby. A bit 'ooh, aren't I clever to get pregnant'.

I think the idea of a 'girls only tea party' to get the family together before the birth - because it will be hard to get a group together afterwards for a while - with explicit instructions for no gifts and no fawning would be quite nice though.

NarkedRaspberry · 31/08/2012 14:34

If you were American I'd see it as understandable. As you're not it seems grabby.

Why not have a tea party! You can invite all the people you want to, and have an excuse for cake.

Slainte · 31/08/2012 14:37

No, no, no, don't have a baby shower. Just meet with your friends for tea and cake if you want to get together with them all.

Baby showers are very grabby affairs.

I have now not attended 3 as I can't stand how grabby they are. The last invite I received had a gift list attached which the mum to be had compiled, it made me incandescent with rage!

AGiraffeOnTheDivingBoard · 31/08/2012 14:42

Emmie don't be weepy and certainly not about this. Enjoy your pregnancy and your get together! Wink

thestringcheesemassacre · 31/08/2012 14:42

I like them. I like to celebrate things. I've been to some really nice lunches, afternoon teas etc lots of champagne (not for the mum to be) and gorgeous food. Wasn't grabby or offensive. Just lovely friends excited for the mum. Say no gifts on the invite. Call it something other than a BABY SHOWER if need be.

NattyCraig · 31/08/2012 14:45

My friends have organised a baby shower for me (meant to be a surprise, but one friend isn't very good at secrets)

I'm really looking forward to it, just having a get together with the girls before the baby arrives and playing some silly games.

No idea if they are doing gifts as I literally have EVERYTHING I need now.

We have had baby showers for all our pregnant friends, nice food, non-alchoholic cocktails for the mum to be and some alchoholic drinks for everyone else.

Was lovely :)

BaronessBomburst · 31/08/2012 14:50

Nooo!

Just go to a spa or have a manicure or something together instead. Lots of spas do treatments for pregnant women. If you need muslins or blankets after the baby is born you'll be able to get them. There's not a hope in hell you'll be going for a pedicure .

FairPhyllis · 31/08/2012 14:52

Nooooo! You can't host your own shower! Why does your mum want one? You can get the family together without calling it a shower. I also think inviting co-workers and friends would be a bit odd and attention-seeking unless they regularly socialise with your family.

Personally I think it's about context - if you were American and some American friends wanted to do this for you, that would be OK. But it will make most British people uncomfortable as they generally prefer to give gifts once the baby is born.

noblegiraffe · 31/08/2012 14:53

Isn't it more usual to celebrate the baby once it's here. I don't get the idea of a baby party with no baby. Confused

bemybebe · 31/08/2012 14:58

Some very hilarious passive-aggressive posts here.

Having a party before the baby arrives is a great idea, to the poster who suggested having a party two weeks after - did you ever have a baby? Grin Personally (and I do emphasize 'personally'), I found the steady stream of well-wishers, all good friends, very exhausting, as I needed to keep house and myself tidy with no help.

I also have experienced a death (dd1 died at 3 weeks), believe me nothing makes this pain 'ten times worse', certainly not having a baby shower beforehand. Which i never had incidentally with either dd1 or dd2.

I would say 'go for it'. but then I am not english.

cathers · 31/08/2012 15:07

I think it depends on how it's done. Perhaps ask your mum or a good friend to invite a few people over for drinks and a girly chat night, but specify no need to bring gifts.

It definitely depends on the context. I've went to one which was lovely, just wine, gossip and a catch up. We voluntarily all gave £2 which went towards bags of nappies, wipes etc.. Because of this I recently agreed to go to another one and have been emailed weekly updates on the mother care gift list from the mum - nothing under £15! Very grabby, especially as this will be her dc3. Now approach them with caution!

ZuleikaD · 31/08/2012 15:09

I think if they want better maternity rights in the US then they should vote for them and not rely on friends and colleagues to stump up.

noblegiraffe · 31/08/2012 15:14

What maternity right in the UK gets you bought a load of baby stuff?

DontmindifIdo · 31/08/2012 15:21

Really, it is part of American culture to do baby showers, and Pesh has probably paid out for a lot of other people's choice to have DCs... Hmm

But in the UK, it does look grabby because it's not the tradition, and the tradition is more about bringing something once the child has arrived. However, I had a 'pre baby tea party' - no gifts, no using the word 'shower' - make it clear no gifts, but it is nice to get the girls together and have cake and have some time with the woman you are close to before the 'babyfug' starts, really most friends it took until 4 months in before they'd be up for anything other than "survival" with a new baby...