should i have a babyshower in the UK? My husband says its wrong!

[brandnewmam]

I'm feeling conflicted, my mum really wants me to have a baby shower so we can get all the girls in both sides of the family together to celebrate the baby coming and to have a nice time together (she wants me to invite friends and co workers as well). However, when talking about another baby shower to some friends at work they didn't know what to do, they said they felt they needed to bring a gift to the baby shower (as its custom?) but they also felt they wanted to bring a gift when the baby was born (British custom and an excuse to see baby) tbh they were slightly complaining about this as they felt that they HAD to buy two gifts and my husband agreed with this and says i shouldn't have one as its not British custom! I don't want people to think i'm only having one because i want gifts!! Should i still throw one?

"no need to bring gifts" = means I would like some really.

"Please do not bring a gift" = more genuine that you really don't want one.

Prior to reading this thread was under the illusion that most pregnant women in UK had a shower thrown for them nowadays. In my department at work (large, and mostly female), we throw a "surprise" shower for everyone who gets pregnant. They are great fun. Gifts are usually clothes - we all enjoy buying them, seeing them unwrapped etc. Those with less money to spare just bring a cute primark t-shirt or something, which is still lovely. I loved mine, and enjoy sending colleagues pics of dd in their gift. Really, where is the harm in this?

Growlithe what a bloody brilliant idea, that will hopefully calm down some 'grubby' accusations

Think it's been more about the "grabby" than "grubby"

The problem for me was receiving an invite with a gift list attached to attend a shower for someone I probably would have sent a congratulations card and a buggy book or something. I would never send out personal birthday party invites with a list attached.

I think Baby Showers suggest an expectation of a gift for a baby that hasn't even been born yet. It's up to the individual whether to give or not and a baby shower negates that - it more than suggests you absolutely should. Though, I agree the baby book idea is very nice and meaningful and not "wedding list" equivalent.

It's like a hen (select females invited only) mixed with Bridezilla attitude (it's my special day) plus a PFB who's not quite born yet. I'll give gifts at Christenings (or equivalent) if there is one or after the baby is born (to good friends).

What a first world problem hey

One of my best friends invited me to one recently. She's having it in a pub, so people will be buying their own drinks and food, and she's included a list that has things on it like vests and a breast pump. The invitation said 'no need to bring a present' but clearly she expects it as she said to me privately that they're great because you get two lots of presents, one at the shower and one after the baby's born. I can't go and I wouldn't even if I could. I'm a bit horrified at her to be honest, and trying to be polite about it is hard! She's not providing anything like food or drink so it's literally 'come to the pub and give me a present.' Argh.

Kaloo Blimey !

I like aspects of them - cake and a catch up with friends basically. Particularly because my expectant friends often come out when it involves the pub and getting dressed up which is a ball ache when you're on the juice and want to be sobbing out, so baby shower nice as a different get together. I don't like present buying though and tend not to bother - frankly a shower gift, gift on birth and then a christening gift....how much celebrating do I have to do? Depending on who the child is to me that's a lot!

I suppose I am uncomfortable with it because the norm among my family and friends if you want to help out someone expecting a baby is that you privately offer a mix of good second hand baby stuff from your own children and possibly also give some new bits once the baby is born.

I think showers have this expectation attached to them that you buy all new stuff for the baby, which isn't always a good use of money imo.

Hideous, tacky concept, but then I wasn't keen on my hen do, either. I'd be mortified if someone threw me a baby shower (I'm keeping an eye on a close friend, as she's half American!) It's just incredibly self-centred and dull for friends without babies or any interest in having them.

Also, the main difference between gifts pre-birth and wedding lists is definitely, in my opinion, that in almost all cases, the wedding will go ahead (and the gift-giver will be invited to a splendid knees-up), whereas birth can and does sometimes go wrong. Much better to visit and bring something small after the birth, when you can also cuddle the baby.

They're very popular here (Caribbean) as are most American customs.

Being a good London lass, I refused a baby shower when I had mine last year but instead had an afternoon in a spa with my close friends eating cupcakes and getting discounted mani/pedis, followed by dinner at a local italian eatery.
I specified that I didn't want gifts as we didn't know the gender but friends still brought little stuffed toys and the like which I loved.

I'm ambivalent about them to be honest, I've organised three of them in the past for friends (one Aussie, one Yank and one Brit) however it was really more of an excuse to eat cake and drink and spoil our friend. We don't "do" dry baby showers here though and we generally didn't do the sitting around opening presents and cooing at clothes.

However, I've had the misfortune of sitting through plenty of the long winded type of showers and it's pretty painful but that's when you use your infant as an excuse to leave...

They can seem grabby especially if the parents have registered for EVERYTHING, but if it's just a few bits and pieces, receiving blankets and the like I have no problem doing it. I just don't buy the super expensive items.

This has come up before and some of the American posters clarified a couple of points about American baby showers. 1) You NEVER organize your own shower, a friend or family member always does it for you and 2) it is normally only done for the first baby and not for subsequent ones as the mum already has stuff she can reuse for these babies.

It seems the idea has been imported here but without the tradition of it having always been done like that and with particular customs attached to it like in the US. As a result it just appears grabby. For example in some countries when a couple gets married they are given money and it is a norm and something that everyone just does. You can see that it would be quite practical. However when couples do it here no one (at least on MN) thinks its OK. The custom that makes it OK (they don't ask for the money) has not been followed as its not the tradition here.

For the OP I think your Mums idea of getting the female family together is a lovely idea but I think inviting colleagues to this is unnecessary. I think there is a definite association with the term baby shower and "give me a gift ". Your family members and close friends would know that this is not your reason for having a shower but colleagues may not.

Do what you want - I had a baby shower which my sister organised and I had a lovely time. She asked people to bring me their favourite (or their child's favourite) childhood book. I thought that was a brilliant idea - so personal, but also really inexpensive for people. Some people also brought some cakes they'd made for tea, but my sister provided most of the cake and champagne (the latter not for me of course). I dont think anyone felt it was "grabby" and two of my friends have since copied the idea. And I have some lovely children's books that I didn't know existed (& some lovely ones that I did).

I had a baby shower myself, I've thown one for a friend and been to at least 5. They are so much fun but only if the people want to be there and get in the spirit of it. Dare I suggest don't ask the negative ones maybe even family only?
Lots of silly games, quizzies that people can chat through whilst playing them are definitely a must. Presents are a fun part of them but I always go for some small and practical or silly like a pack of nappies or baby wipes or a bottle of baby shampoo or even a baby vest (which are not expensive). Then I've bought the 'proper' present when the baby is born and had a visit. I've also been to a last minute shower and not taken a gift and it was no big deal. Just don't have the american-style public opening of the gifts. At the end of the day people would spend more going out for a drink with you and you (or your mum) would be providing all the food and drink presumably.
Also I think with a baby shower close (ish!) to the birth then people have seen you recently and don't then feel like they all need to see you as soon as the baby has arrived.
Have one! And enjoy celebrating the last few baby bump weeks, you don't get to do it often

I don't like baby showers, it's too much too soon. The right time for presents and celebrating is when the baby has arrived safely.

I have the same instinct as a lot of people on here: I instinctively feel babyshowers are a touch vulgar and a bit grasping and they're also difficult for the childless and people ttc etc.

A friend threw one for me before my dd was born and it actually went off much better than I dared hope, it was a nice chance to see a bunch of good girlfriends who I rarely see, it was combined with a birthday and it just felt like a nice, relaxed get-together. And I got a bunch of nice presents which I'm not going to lie came in really handy.

And yet, I don't think I'd have one again. I don't care about the fact its an Americanism, I just think its a bit me-me-me and there's an element of compulsion -- compelling people to spend money on you and to do it in a certain way. And its also guaranteed to get the backs up of those people who for various reasons aren't totally comfortable with the concept, the infertile, the baby-phobes etc.

I think if you feel a bit naused out about it and your mates and DH aren't up for it you should probably listen to your anxiety and opt not to do it.

ok whats the big deal i dont think there is a single problem with giving or receiving gifts. in my culture we dont have baby showers but when we have a baby it is very customary to give loads of money or buy expensive gifts/ gold. whats the big deal having a baby is expensive, if your friends are genuine they wont be so selfish and negative about giving a beautiful present to help you on your way. i would rather my friend told me what they really wanted so i didnt waste my time and money buying something they hated.....give a gift list i honestly would be greatful if i were your friend (forget all these stingy women who dont understand helping with baby expenses is a way of showing your care and love for eachother!). dont feel guilty in the least enjoy it......i would!

My friends organised a surprise one for me, and their main gift was a voucher for local spa ... rather than using as a mum-to-be, I used it when DS was about 4 months and really needed it! We just had afternoon tea at someone's house and played games, it was really nice.

However I hadn't expected it at all and wouldn't organise my own one, as I do think people associate them with having to give gifts. The only ones I've been to have been surprise ones, organised by friends or relatives of the mum.

PFB. Grabby. IMHO.

Its been interesting reading this as I was invited to one by an American colleague in respect of another American colleague's pregnancy a couple of years ago and was totally bemused by the whole thing. I didn't really know the girl who was pregnant, wouldn't have known many people who were going and, given the pregnant girl earned at least 50% more than I did, found it really odd that there was a John Lewis gift list attached to the invite which had things like bottles, steriliser, cot sheets, bouncy chair etc. I was and came up with an excuse as to why I couldn't go. Hearing its the norm there does make a bit more sense but I'd still rather buy a present for the baby once its born.

I agree with the posts that say it's too early to celebrate and buy gifts.

I went to one for a second baby and it was very grabby! She wanted lots of new equipment and handed out a list on the day for when the baby came:)

The op's one sounds nice, but people will bring gifts whatever you say- it sounds there are 2 reasons for meeting up, your upcoming birth and a get together of friends and family which has not been ozone before. Could you book an afternoon tea at a nice hotel for the first ladies meeting then announce there the next one will be hopefully with your new baby if all is well? Would not invite work colleagues. They might do cakes on your last day and a whip round and you can go in another time and show them the new baby if you like.

"What games"? Oh there's a whole slew of ridiculous games you're meant to play at a baby shower. some examples here

I'm American, I didn't have a baby shower. I live in the UK now, but I did visit the US for a while when I was pregnant. Some friends and I went to dinner one night and they had little gifts, mostly clothing, which I thought was very sweet.

If I'm invited to a baby shower for someone who is honestly a good friend of mine, then I have no problem with it, as I'd be getting them a gift anyway. It's grabby to me when it's clear I've just been selected because I'm a co-worker, or I knew the person once upon a time and am still in their address book.

I also can't stand registry lists. If you are really okay with people not bringing gifts, then don't have a list. If you send invites to a baby shower, including information for a gift registry, people know you want gifts. You may say you don't want gifts, but who, when faced with an invite for a baby shower and a gift registry, would actually feel comfortable showing up without a gift? (cue the next of vipers telling me they would happily show up without gifts, but I think in reality you're strongarming your friends into feeling they should buy you something. Or they'll make their excuses and not show up at all, to save face)

I think I'd rather a nasty dose of herpes than being forced to play those games.

I'm having my baby shower next week.

i wanted to get together with some close family girlies which i have not managed to do since before my wedding. some times you just need an excuse to get together!

my sister wants to throw me it [like your mum] and she has thought about it so much, a theme and food and drink and most of all the decorations and cake i think not to do it because 'oh people might think its grabby' is mean to those who genuinely want to do this for you.

I have been clear to all guests that i do not want gifts as we haven't told everyone the sex of the baby and its better and easier for them to buy after the baby is born. ALSO some ppl in my family are superstitious, so they will be happy with this... maybe you can say the same thing?

for some of my girlfriends i asked them just to buy children's book [ as they kept insisting] and these are relatively cheap. Or you could write on the invite something along the lines of if you must buy a gift please buy us nappies/wipes... useful for you AND inexpensive for guests!

really hope you agree to this as i cant wait for mine!

I like baby showers personally, but I am an American. And tacky :o