should i have a babyshower in the UK? My husband says its wrong!

[brandnewmam]

I'm feeling conflicted, my mum really wants me to have a baby shower so we can get all the girls in both sides of the family together to celebrate the baby coming and to have a nice time together (she wants me to invite friends and co workers as well). However, when talking about another baby shower to some friends at work they didn't know what to do, they said they felt they needed to bring a gift to the baby shower (as its custom?) but they also felt they wanted to bring a gift when the baby was born (British custom and an excuse to see baby) tbh they were slightly complaining about this as they felt that they HAD to buy two gifts and my husband agreed with this and says i shouldn't have one as its not British custom! I don't want people to think i'm only having one because i want gifts!! Should i still throw one?

Ouch, see PeshwariNaan you just confirmed all my prejudices. We decided to have a baby, why should all my friends and colleagues fund the start up costs!? That's what ebay is for!

I agree, itsatigger. Also, what about all that handed-on baby stuff that is good for loads of wear yet? If everyone had showers and everything was bought new every time all that stuff would just get thrown away!

Yes I agree itsatigger. I don't see why other people should fund my choice to have a baby or vice versa - I think you get the practical stuff yourself and if you're lucky get bought some clothes / toys after the baby is born - because people want to buy cute stuff and welcome the baby.

Besides I also think a lot of the stuff bought is completely unnecessary - you just don't know what you're going to need first time round and second time round you should have it anyway surely? Baby showers is just going to feed this frenzy to purchase pointless baby stuff. Mamas & Papas vanity case anyone? I used it once. What a pile of crap.

I'm also superstitious when it comes to only buying things after the baby has landed safely.

I AM having a baby shower & I have included a gift list. I don't think I'm being 'grabby' just directing people to items that might be useful to me and my new addition. I have stated very clearly that people are NOT obliged to bring anything at all.

I decided that a get together with all my girlfriends would be lovely. The only time I will get to do this before baby comes. It's a life changing event and I know lots of my friends are happy to come and have a slice of cake with me!!

I dislike them. Think they are grabby and, shall I say it, not classy. A meal out with friends etc, all fine. A party with a gift list? Yuk, shudder, avoid.

Would much rather give something when the baby is here, safe and well, I am a little superstitious that way too

You are being grabby.

As expat has already pointed out, it considered very poor form to throw yourself a shower.

It is basically just soliciting presents.

Nothing you put on the invitation about your expectations changes that.

It's a bit PFB too.

Just out of interest, and obviously no need to reply because you're in a bit of minority here but what's on your list Emmie ?

I don't see the harm in organising a family get together, but spare your friends and colleagues. Other people's pregnancies really aren't that interesting, and a card/bunch of flowers after the birth is more the English way.

If someone gave me a baby shower invite with a gift list I'd a) be taken aback, and b) go right off them. I certainly wouldn't go, or buy them a gift. Horrible and grabby.... up there with cash demands in wedding invites.

My friends and family did one for me as a surprise. They brought their baby gifts to it, with nothing afterwards. I would have been if anyone felt the need to give twice. They didn't have to give as it was.

To be fair, it wasn't something I had even considered, but it was lovely. One of the best things was that I got to see or at least hear from (written messages) every female of importance in my life, from the youngest to the oldest, wishing me well for the birth and motherhood. SIL did try to do some games, but we were a bit and just enjoyed the gathering.

I would agree that you never host your own, but as a surprise, it really touched me.

The reason I couldn't have a baby shower is the same as a poster above said - celebrating before the baby comes out and then something going wrong with birth/baby (worse case, death) would make grieving ten times harder, imo.

I don't like them, have been to one, and won't ever go to another one if ever invited, and certainly wouldn't have one myself or want one organised for me. It was forced and grabby, and were forced to watch the mother to be open every single present and constantly had to oooo and ahhh at everything.

Close friends and family will want to see you/give you presents once the baby is born anyway, why have a baby shower before hand?

A work colleague went to a baby shower, and the mother to be unfortunately lost the baby in the very late stages of pregnancy, just a few weeks after the shower. Awful thing to happen, and I know it doesn't happen very often, but they were left with all the gifts/presents and no baby.

Like i said, I really really don't like baby showers. Very unnecessary.

BTW, they got my husband to do loads of the legwork, raiding my phone for contacts, making sure I was distracted etc.

I'm horrified at the thought of a gift lift though!

I've only been to two babyshowers in my life and both in the last two years and both lovely! I also still buy presents for their babies even after the shower because I want to!

I didnt realise people had such a thing about it in the UK though! Aren't they the same kind of thing as a hen do?!? Getting together with all your friends and celebrating something? Or are the people who are against it also against wedding gift lists?

Assuming all your friends would want to buy something for you anyway I'm not sure what difference it makes if you want to organise a party for them to enjoy it together but then I just like parties and cake haha

ALL my friends and colleagues have been asking me when my shower is since my 12-week scan and 3 of them are now fighting over who's organising it :s

Its my first and not many of us have babies so its a novelty for us and I think we just love geting together - any excuse really! I'm not having a registered 'list' as I don't want to dictate what people buy me so I've just said anything but not too much pink as we're having a girl and I know people go overboard!

I guess those who don't agree won't come so that'll solve the problem?

Ah just realised something - at none of the baby showers I went to did the mother open the presents. that was saved til she got home or the baby was born I presume. Is this what makes it more of an issue? the 'show and tell' aspect?!?

I'm with your husband on this one. It's akin to Mothers' Day or Valentines' Day to me.

Don't do it!

It's an American custom and one I pray won't become popular in the UK.

In Ireland middle class mums-to-be are starting to have baby showers and everyone I know that's invited secretly complains about them. It's also now obligatory to find out the gender AND name the baby before it arrives. So you have a shower 'for baby Joshua' who's not yet born! Seems totally wrong to me.

That was the worst part for me, we had to sit there for 2 HOURS and watch her open every single gift. Also, a small group of us don't have children, so we found it REALLY dull. if you do have one, please offer alcohol to the guests. I'm pretty sure a glass of wine would have made the time pass quicker. But when we arrived, gifts in hand, they were quickly snatched off us and were told to help ourselves to fruit juice, tea and coffee....

They are grabby and awful.

Hth.

It's counting your chickens before they hatch and grabby.

I don't like baby showers either; I think they are grabby and commercialised a bit tacky and me-me-me, etc etc, plus with a 1 in 200 rate of stillbirth in the UK, not to mention other non-fatal birth complications, I don't like the idea of celebrating a baby before it arrives either.

Not an American custom I'd like to see imported into the UK: save the party and presents for once the baby has arrived (and definitely no gift list EVER!)

Babyshowers are awful imo. Even the name makes me want to puke.

If you want a get together, have one, just don't call it a baby shower and if your mother insists on having one make sure you specift and mean no gifts.

I think that the point about it being a novelty is probably it. It's very PFB and if you're the first in your group of friends to have a baby I can see that it's all exciting and a baby shower is an event. Though I'm not amazed by breast pumps, tiny baby outfits and changing mats, toys and teddies. These are not thrilling things once you've had a child - but every day ordinary things. Getting excited by watching someone opening them is very weird to me. I find it a bit disappointing that it's being adopted as a thing in the UK.

But I'm on my third pregnancy and fully aware that nothing that happens at a babyshower is going to stick in my mind after the experience of labour

"Unfortunately that means we need to shoulder the costs of most of the baby stuff ourselves, which is something you don't really have to do in the US. But I'd rather not "offend" people... "

Please explain why you think anyone else should find your desire for a baby, Pesh.

I don't like them, and I am much more comfortable with the home-grown tradition of turning up with a present for mother and baby when you know all is well and you can give them both a big celebratory kiss.
But, playing devil's advocate, there are terrible maternity rights in the US. It makes so much sense that the costs of a new baby should be actively shared among the community. I think we do that a bit better here through SMP rather than saddling all our equally broke friends with having to buy us a new cot. But what can you say, I'm an old leftie from a European tradition of humane socialism ;)

Another but: my sister gave me a ton of her stuff when I had my first baby and if we had been having babies at the same time and she couldn't have, I just don't know what I would have done.

Another note: we all got bollocked at work once for giving symbolic rather than significant contributions to a US colleague's maternity whip-round and were basically told that it is the responsibility of everyone who knows the person in the US to significantly help out, as there is no other support. We all felt a little bit ashamed as we saw this more in the line of a minor gesture towards a small present for someone we had never met. What do the US people on mn think about this, was this a reasonable bollocking?

Emmie if you really didn't want gifts you would not have included a gift list.