should i have a babyshower in the UK? My husband says its wrong!

[brandnewmam]

I'm feeling conflicted, my mum really wants me to have a baby shower so we can get all the girls in both sides of the family together to celebrate the baby coming and to have a nice time together (she wants me to invite friends and co workers as well). However, when talking about another baby shower to some friends at work they didn't know what to do, they said they felt they needed to bring a gift to the baby shower (as its custom?) but they also felt they wanted to bring a gift when the baby was born (British custom and an excuse to see baby) tbh they were slightly complaining about this as they felt that they HAD to buy two gifts and my husband agreed with this and says i shouldn't have one as its not British custom! I don't want people to think i'm only having one because i want gifts!! Should i still throw one?

I think the thing about baby showers as opposed to get togethers after the baby is born is that baby showers are honestly more about the mother.

Which I know sounds grabby and horrible, but if it's your first born (which it should be IMO if you're having a shower) it's really sort of the last time anything's going to be all about you.

Christenings or baptisms are usually smaller affairs Joan. Immediate family, the Godparents, and some friends. The gifts are usually monetary (for the child's college fund, etc) or religious in nature. At least in my part of the US. :)

Then you also might not want to christen your child, I know I wont, I cannot possibly decide what religion my baby might want to belong to when he/she grows up...that is for the individual to decide.
I think I will probably have a get together, with some champers, tea/coffee, nibbles, cakes etc, I wouldnt call it a shower, just a last time for me to spend time with my friends and family before the little one pops out and takes up all my time and energy..no games, and deffo no "wish list" Just a party...!

I didn't have one but have no issues with other people having one. I always buy any new baby a little outfit and have no issues taking it to a shower rather than once the baby is born. I wouldn't buy twice though. One of the showers I went to sent a gift list but I ignored it and bought an outfit, another one wrote (in the invitation) something like; 'no presents, just your presence is required' and I ignored that too and took a little outfit! Can you tell I love buying baby clothes?!!

Part of me likes the idea as I'm not married and have no intention to get married so won't have a wedding or hen. To have a party with my friends celebrating something I am doing that is so momentous would be nice.

I just can't imagine how this type of party would be fun though. I hate tea and cakes and games. If it's a party celebrating something I'd like there to be nice wine, preferably champagne, and would provide it for guests and would only be pissed off and grumpy about not being able to drink it. Also, since being pregnant I've become quite antisocial and don't like social events involving large groups.

Baby showers are unnecessary!! They are an American thing and therefore are of no use in the UK - just another expensive import for no reason what so ever and I've had three children!! I've got friends in the US and they have children - one of them had one of hers enrolled at some sort of Kindergarden - she was still five months pregnant when she did this!! Ridiculous nonsense!! Things can go wrong in pregnancy and sadly often do - celebrate the little one's safe arrival not with ridiculous over the top celebrations before the child gets here!! I know been there with my first pregnancy - we were thrilled etc etc and had gifts and stuff and then tragedy struck and we lost the baby - believe me the downers on that one are massive - you've got loads of stuff that has no use anymore and it is horrendous!! Sorry to put a downer on this but it happens and not everyone is left beaming with a healthy baby at the end of it!! Just wait people, have the wonderful healthy baby screaming their head off and then go for it and celebrate because at that point you've really earned the right to do so!!!!

I am surprised at how many people say 'they are an American thing' when i presume the OP is American. If this was a Spanish or Pakistani custom and the OP was on of these would the vitriol be the same? Just wondering really.

I am British and threw an anglicised one for friends (i also celebrate chinese new year and diwali). As we don't separate our friends on gender, the couple were the guests of honour, all friends were invited, we had a garden party with booze, no gift list. Some people clubbed together and bought a £30 baby sling which was the only thing i new the couple wanted (probed by stealth), some brought along second hand bits, and others just turned up and got pissed!

It was lovely, as it was the first baby in our group of long standing friends and we all wanted to acknowledge and embrace the 'change' which as a group we were going to face. Sort of goodbye reckless youth, hello parenthood. :)

Sorry haven't read whole post so this might already have been mentioned. But just to put in my 2 pennies worth, a lot of people still feel it as unlucky to get stuff for the baby until he/ she have arrived safely. I'm not usually unsuperstitious but after an unexpected mc I didn't want anything for the next baby until he was actually born. So for me baby showers are out.

i am not sure why if something is not british it's an american thing.

lots of other cultures have this not just americans.

where i am from we have stork parties but i would not dare have one here because i know how it's seen. i am going back home in december and having mine there, it's something that's probably been done there for 100s of years.

i get that it's not done here but i don't get why people have to look down on those that do celebrate it.

i once asked a friend (from here) why she thinks it's such a big deal and she said well for me i just don't think i would have enough friends that would come and give me stuff, i found that sad

I was invited to a shower a few years ago where the girl not only organised her own (which a previous poster said was a big no no), but also attached a Mothercare gift list! It wasn't someone I knew well, so to be honest I probably wouldn't have bothered buying them a present at all if I hadn't been invited to their shower. I still didn't get them something off their list though, on principal. These days I'd just make an excuse not to go.

My family organised a baby shower when I was pregnant with my first, but I opted not to have one for my second baby as I had them close together and I felt a bit cheeky about it!

I organised one for my sister as well, but we didn't have present lists and we didn't force people to play loads of ridiculous games. My mum and I just provided lots of nice food and drink and a simple activity which involved everyone customising bibs for the baby (with the help of some fabric pens). Actually that part was really funny and some of the messages and pictures were hilarious. Also my sister didn't open any presents she was given in front of the guests as she didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable about what they were or were not able to give.

It was more about having a relaxing and enjoyable evening with her feet up before sleepless nights!

The people who organise them in my community are mainly Australian and South African. Have been to 3 Australian ones that have involved party games.

Saying things are American is a fabulous way for cats bum mouth people to feel superior to yet even more people of the world.

I really wanted to have one and I refuse to feel embarrassed about that, so I was quite chuffed when my best friend organised one for me!

She'd had one first - it'd been hilarious because we were trying to make sense of slightly odd games her mum had got off the internet from obviously American sites, but of course we'd had no previous experience of them. The best bit was when we all had a bash at a pram-shaped pinata...these were still fairly exotic in the UK and her mum assumed they came ready-filled. When the mother-to-be had finally bashed her way in (and it took some doing!) it was empty and since we all had slightly different expectations of what a pinata was for in the first place, we were all a bit baffled in different ways! It was a lovely occasion though, lots of chatting about her expectations and worries, and just a nice get-together.

When I had mine, it was just a handful of close friends and my mum, and not tacky at all. I did get some things for the baby, and also some pamper-y stuff for myself, but it wasn't a massive exercise in grabbiness and consumption.

If you don't want presents, you can specify that. Likewise, you can make it as baby-centred or as mother/parent-centred as you like. Some people do belly casts if they're that way inclined, or have a henna session, which I think is lovely. The whole 'celebrate the circle of life' thing is clearly not for everyone but some lentilly people like it, so what's the harm?

reshape, you sound really nice

Ladymia...hope you have a special stork party at home with everyone who loves you and have an interest in your little baby...circle of life!!!

I'm American and can't stand showers of any kind, bridal or baby. But my very nice British friends at our local playgroup really enjoyed organising one for me and another mum who is British. I didn't have the heart to decline their very kind and genuine offer, even though I was reticent about it. Turned out it was a really fun, easy get-together. They spent time, thought, and money to create a little fun for all of us. So, my opinion has changed to this: If people want to host one for you, I think you should allow them.

Having said that, I have been to some truly horrible attempts at extortion in America for mums/babies and brides. And as for the humiliating games and tricks. . .

Gifts at these things should be treats and fun gifts, not necessities such as breast pumps, pushchairs, etc.

'I've only been invited to 3 baby showers but they each seemed like a blatant attempt at getting the practical things for the baby instead of buying them yourself. One of the invites included a list at John Lewis which included breast pump and changing bag hmm. I see it as American / celebrity endorsed. '

There is nothing 'blatant' about a babyshower in its original incarnation and a lot are just fun and simple.

They are very traditional in the US and not part of celeb culture.

Yes, they are held in order to provide all the practical things a baby needs. They were never traditionally grabby. You don't organise one yourself or send out invitations. Your relatives or friends do all that.

When I had DD1 in the US my co-workers threw me a surprise shower. They bought a high chair, a really good car seat, some lovely stuffed animals, a mobile, baby towels, crocheted some lovely blankets -- even people's mothers whom I had never met sent things like baskets of baby wash and shampoo and made goodies for the party. It was a complete surprise to me and a very enjoyable Friday afternoon for everyone. No games, but wine flowed freely for everyone but me.

exMIL also organised one and the guests also brought clothes, baby bedding, etc. exMIL bought a buggy. Another enjoyable event with lots of wine. Fizzy drink for me though..

I was very grateful. We would have bought crappy bargain stuff if we hadn't received what we received as gifts. We were able to buy a nicer cot than we thought we could have as a result.

'Baby showers are unnecessary!! They are an American thing and therefore are of no use in the UK - just another expensive import for no reason what so ever and I've had three children!! I've got friends in the US and they have children - one of them had one of hers enrolled at some sort of Kindergarden - she was still five months pregnant when she did this!! Ridiculous nonsense!!'

Bah Humbug eh?
LOL at 'They are an American thing and therefore are of no use in the UK' -- do British babies have no material needs and do British mothers despise a bit of fun? That comment sounded like something out of North Korea.

FWIW, my sister in Ireland found out years after the fact that she should have stopped on her way home from the hospital with her newborn DD to put her name on the application list in the school she and BIL wanted to send her to. DN squeaked in after only three years on the list because of unforeseen dropouts and a bit of stealth campaigning with the head nun by my sister. Same thing went for the school one of my aunts wanted for my cousins, in Ireland 25 years ago.

I've never been to one or had one but I love the idea! why not get together and celebrate that phase of life?

As for the necessity of gifts -- I was brought up to never show up empty handed to anything I was invited to. I bring wine/chocolate/flowers as the hosts/ occasion seem to indicate or I will ask a host(ess) what she might need if I know the person well.

I love baby showers, I'm not ashamed to admit it.

They don't have to be 'grabby' and they are a lovely opportunity to get together. If people think they are wrong, they don't have to come and you can get on with enjoying a pre-birth get together with your family and friends.

I have yet to go to a grabby shower. My SIL organised one for her sister and there was a suggestion on the invitation that we bring our favourite childhood book, so that the baby had a ready made book collection. My SIL wrote a beautiful poem for her sister and reduced us all to tears, another keepsake to look back on with love.

I then organised one in March for my best friend. She didn't need a single thing as this was DS2 (DS1 being 3 and they kept everything) so we did a Body Shop at Home party. No hard sell, a chance to try and/or buy, everyone loved it. I baked far too many cakes and the mum-to-be, having spent months worrying about the impending birth/logistics of having 2 DC etc etc) had a really lovely night.

People will always find fault and for me, it is a lovely custom to come over from the States.

Grabby people have grabby showers. Same as grabby people have grabby weddings/birthdays etc.

If you would like one, have one - get somebody else to organise it though, after all it is about giving the mum-to-be a bit of a break and a fuss.

Never had one, never been to one. Can't imagine who would have organised one for me or come to one since my family are all far away and I didn't have many friends outside work locally until after we had kids (we moved to this area for work). My (childless) sister seems to go to them the whole time with the whole silly games and everything but she has lived in the same town since she was 18. Since we BLWed she's probably eaten more jars of baby food than I have!

I don't like the gift aspect, think that should wait till after the baby comes, with the exception of grandparents possibly. My parents gave us money that was spent on the cot, the ILs gave us money that was spent on the car seat and buggy. Those are the only really necessary big expenses at the beginning aren't they (this child is definitely going to be a neglected third child!). I got some hand me downs (baby bath, clothing, sling) and bought some nappies before hand and then got predominantly clothes as presents afterwards. High chair, breast pump etc were bought when we needed them and since we all know the best high chair is the IKEA antilop it's not exactly a big expense.

I got a present from work for each child but it has been flowers and sleepsuits from the whole group so not a big expense per person and at least that repeats itself round the group since everyone gets the big occasions marked by a group present (weddings, major birthdays, births) and smaller ones by cards.

My only advice is if you are going to have one, don't invite the people you know are against them. My sis arranged a lovely one for me, and the only thing I didn't like was the way some of the women - who weren't fans of baby showers- rolled their eyes at the suggestions of games etc. It was a real downer - I wish they hadn't come at all.

I agree with the above post but think it's each to their own and a lot is about how they are organised. I was invited to one where they'd asked for guests to provide food and there was a M&P's list. The organisers sent round e-mails demanding to know what everyone was bringing. I couldn't go as I couldn't afford the flight home but was still included on a name and shame round robin email of all non attendees! I sent sweets for the do and an outfit for the baby but told my friend it was all I could afford and I felt ashamed and embarrased so told her not to open in front of everyone and I couldn't send anything else when baby arrived It was also only a few days after her birthday! My SS had one, only hand me downs accepted. She catered herself and there were no games but plenty of booze for those who wanted. That one sounded more enjoyable. Both had christenings too but only as best schools in the areas are c of e! Think the meanings of these things get lost sometimes.

mrsnec that just proves what hideous people they are, grabby and a grand sense of entitilement!

I am blessed that I have lovely people in my life, any grabby gits have been long since dropped from my radar .

Now, lets talk about party bags

True! Said 'friendship' has been somewhat strained since. Which is something worth taking into consideration! On a lighter note yes to goody bags! Might go to one if there's something in it for me!