should i have a babyshower in the UK? My husband says its wrong!

[brandnewmam]

I'm feeling conflicted, my mum really wants me to have a baby shower so we can get all the girls in both sides of the family together to celebrate the baby coming and to have a nice time together (she wants me to invite friends and co workers as well). However, when talking about another baby shower to some friends at work they didn't know what to do, they said they felt they needed to bring a gift to the baby shower (as its custom?) but they also felt they wanted to bring a gift when the baby was born (British custom and an excuse to see baby) tbh they were slightly complaining about this as they felt that they HAD to buy two gifts and my husband agreed with this and says i shouldn't have one as its not British custom! I don't want people to think i'm only having one because i want gifts!! Should i still throw one?

The argument above was that the reason for baby showers being common in the US (and everyone being expected to stump up properly for a colleague's baby) was that maternity rights are rubbish. And it's true, they are, but I don't see that as a reason, myself.

oh, and while I would never dream of asking for gifts when I had DS, I do think the American tradition is far more practical, you at least get stuff you need - really all a baby needs to wear for the first 3 or so months is vest, sleepsuit and possibly cardie/snow suit if it's cold, but I got hundreds of little outfits that I only put DS in because someone had bought it. The money spent on all these gorgeous outfits was not far off what we spent getting everything for DS, if you ignore the cot and pram.

It would be a much better use of everyone's money to buy practical things, but then by the time the baby is here, you assume parents have everything they need, and you can't just not get stuff on the off chance someone will turn up with it once your DC has arrived - at least the US way means a good month before you can see what you are missing and just buy those...

But it does seem unaccepable in the UK now...

Gosh, had no idea they were so hated...havent thought about having one myself, but personally I dont go ANYWHERE without a gift for the host, so if a woman i knew were pregnant and had a tea party I would bring her a babyrelated gift anyway, like a giftcard or something like that..I mean even if I pop around for a cup of coffee I bring something with me, a box of chocolates or something..so dont really see the difference..I think it is lovely with parties of any kind and would be soo happy for any of my friends that fell pregnant that I would want to help with a gift or two...

ZuleikaD, I get where you are coming from on the "they can vote for it" position. I went back to work this year after taking a year's maternity leave and the passive-aggressive whining I got from my US colleagues was very annoying. Many of them have children and would have loved to have spent more time with them as babies, but they seemed to be having a go at me that they couldn't have, without losing their jobs. It made me want to say "I don't blame you for envying me but being nasty about maternity leave, and people who take it, is taking you further away from being in that position, not closer. Support it, or better still (I know impossible) DEMAND it!"

[sidebar: I suspect that some of them believed I had full pay for a year; some people in the UK even think that. As you know, you can only survive for the year with a working partner and savings - but it was nice to have that year, broke though we were / are]

I find them a bit odd, personally, but I do like the idea of meeting up with friends before baby arrives and just having a nice relaxing time without the whole present thing.

I recently got an invite to one through Facebook... This lady has spoken to me maybe 3 times through a mutual FB group, and has invited 50 odd people, all with a nice 'gift list' for us to choose from. That, to me, is grabby, and not to do with sharing your time with those closest to you before baby arrives.

I can see how your colleagues feel OP to be honest! Not against them but I find the gift aspect confusing. I would of course visit a friend with a new baby and take a card and gift once the baby is here but if someone has a shower then the obvious implication is That you take a present so you feel like you're giving twice. I've only just been to my first one and this was the exact conversation I had with another guest on the way there!

However I think I also managed to upstage the mum to be by taking my very cute 2mo ds (had to really as still feeding him) and everyone wanted a cuddle...

I threw one for my friend last year after asking her DH if he thought she would like one, which he said she would. Everyone enjoyed it, there was no pressure to buy anything though. I asked him if there was anything they needed for the baby that we could buy collectively should anyone want to, and we put our money together to get some bits but I made it clear that this was just an excuse for the girls to get together with mum-to-be, eat cake and mess about with nappies and baby games. People did contribute, others didn't and we ended up buying just a few little bits for mum and baby. It would have been just as good without the little gifts.

The other day these same friends did the same for me and despite me saying that I wasn't bothered about having one, I really really enjoyed it, was so nice to have time with my friends, play games and eat loads of crap. Saying that though, I wouldn't arrange one myself - certainly if you're going to have one I'd let someone else arrange it and make it clear that its not a ploy to get presents. I think people can go mad when they get the american idea of a baby shower in their heads and suddenly you're expected to come bearing gifts.

I'm not a great fan, and I don't see why so many American customs have to be adopted here (I'm also not keen on hen dos, which are a pretty recent tradition too) but no one who's called them 'grabby' has yet answered an earlier post about the difference between them and wedding presents. I've funded a hell of a lot of people's love affairs in my time, and I wouldn't attend a birthday party without bringing a present, so I don't really see the difference. I just don't want one cos it's all a bit 'pink' and 'girly' for me!

Well, I do actually live in America (though am English) and can agree it is different over here! First time round traditional Baby Shower seemed complusory (I think people would have been really confused if I weren't having one?) and yes, got loads of diddy little outfits that DS1 never wore for a moment

Second (and now third....) time round I have refused to countenance the idea of a shower, and my best friend has taken it upon herself (very nicely - and totally unasked, I may point out!) to throw me a Baby Blessing (we live near Berkeley, CA ). We made and decorated a belly cast, and all my girlfriends bought a charm (NO presents) which my friend threaded on a string, and we blessed it and the new baby, and I took it into the hospital as both a focal point for labour and a reminder of all my lovely friends and all their lovely babies (sniff).

We also drank champagne and ate fruit tarts - we're not totally Berkeley Was loads of fun, though - can highly recommend!

I threw a baby shower for my best friend. It was lovely. We had a strict "spend limit" of £5, did it when she was about 8 months PG and as she lives 300 miles away it was a nice opportunity to catch up, have some afternoon tea, bucks fizz and play some silly games.

The naysayers are miseries IMHO. But then I will throw a party at the slightest excuse...

What can I say - it's a tradition in the US, people don't see it as money-grubbing there. Anyway, if people want to give gifts, why not before? Doesn't really make a difference, lots of people give gifts before a wedding, etc.

Anyway, I already said I'm not having one, if it grosses people out so much why bother.

I delighted in giving friends wedding presents, and I've loved setting friends up with reusable nappies/ cans of formula/ hand knitted blankets at baby showers. Frankly, I don't see the difference between funding someone's new house/ honeymoon and their baby.

I think these things only make sense within communities where there is a greater homogeneity of income and expectation than we tend to have amongst our circles of friends. Basically baby showers are being had, not as a consistent custom, but by a few individuals who have the face to invite people to parties for the purposes of receiving presents. And who like Stuff. Who, probably, are the sort of people who already have a lot of stuff, and may not be short of a bob or two. So the whole thing is horribly unreciprocal and, no, you don't give to receive, but society as a whole does function best where there is a good balance between giving and receiving, and between the weight of expectations and people's incomes. It's all a mess at the moment and till they disappear or settle down into a format that fits with what people in this culture already do and become kinder and fairer, people shouldn't go, or should subvert them (not sure how but not in an unkind way, just some way that subjects this out-of-place custom to the sorts of social pressures that will cause it to form into a version which is at-home-here)

p.s. before I get jumped on, the cans of formula were for a post-birth shower for a mum of triplets who was struggling to BF them all...

2In fact, I think threads like this might be a good away of inventing creative ways to subvert greedy invitations - rather than someone saying "I want a baby shower, some people think they are greedy, but I can have one can't I?" and nearly everyone else saying "no, they're greedy" and one person saying "I had one, so they're fine, there was a present list but it was fine and not about presents" and everyone else saying "meet your friends without calling it a shower" and the person who had one saying "mine was different everyone loved it honestly"

If you are clear you don't want gifts and it is a pre-baby get together it's fine, if a little unusual and possibly puzzling to people like co-workers. To me "Baby Shower" means "Look at me, I'm having a baby, how great am I, nobody ever did that before, buy me stuff!" An American friend tried to throw me one, and while I appreciated she was trying to do something nice, I was horribly embarrassed, especially as she didn't know most of the people I knew and wanted me to provide a list of people she had never met to invite... I managed to downgrade it to pre baby coffee and cake with friends :)

I was thinking about the perceived difference between having a gift list for your baby and having one for your wedding. I think it's got to be at least partly because when someone invites you to a wedding then they're throwing a big celebration event at considerable expense and trouble to themselves and you bring something along or buy something from their list as a small quid pro quo. A baby shower where the perception is of someone sitting on a sofa with a cup of tea (not even offering a glass of wine) effectively saying 'Bring Me Stuff!' looks a lot greedier/grabbier.

I never really wanted or planned a baby shower, but my friend held me a surprise one the month before my due date. Must have been a bit too much of a surprise as my contractions started later that evening and I gave birth the next night

I blame the cake...

FFS.

It's very simple: if you don't want gifts, don't call it a shower.

No really strong thoughts on the matter, but I read a story in a magazine about a woman who had had one, and asked everyone to just bring a book for the child. That would be amazing, childrens books are relatively cheap and if each giver wrote a message in the book it would make lovely collection for the mother and child to treasure.

I like the idea, but would stipulate no gifts (also put this on my wedding invites). Would prefer guests to bring cakes/ salad/ sandwiches to eat at the party!

Games???? what games?

I hate the idea of a baby shower. It is grabby and the superstitious part of me can't cope with it.

My British BIL stopped my American SIL from having one in the US.