please help. 5 wks pregnant-not planned. dp and i v v v confused...

[shatteredmumsrus]

to cut a long story shoer we have 2 boys aged 7 and 11. i have PCOS and have been on microgygon since second son was born. periods have been erratic lately and i started feeling symptons like with my 1st 2 pregnancies and so did a test which confirmed my fears. went to doctor that said it happens whilst on the pill! dp says it s unplanned we dont have to go thru with it which i agree with. there are many factors that suggest it is a bad idea for us. kids are settled and have their own room. when it is born our eldest will be starting secondary school, just moved house, moneys tight etc etc. but its soooo hard. it is our baby living inside me (only just granted -i know it is very early stages)Got an apt at BPAS today to go through abortion etc. both dp and i want to make the right decision for everybody. any advice. im 33 and he is 37. this is also a factor. he said by the time our youngest is 20 we are still young enough to enjoy it and do what we want to do. He said he would not have the same energy for this one...advice please

I dont think anyone can make this decision for you, but you do have to take into consideration all of the factors you have listed above.
I feel for you, I didn't realise this could happen whilst you were on the pill.
I wish you luck in whatever path you take.

thanks. i said to the doctor 'this can happen then'? he said quite calmly 'o yes its not than uncommon'. we are shocked to say the least.

Ridiculous isn't it. I thought it was 98% protection, but it's not that uncommon?!
Poor you. I thinkit would be very hard to go back to having a baby once your children have grown up a bit. But it is do able. But you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Such a hard choice for you.

No way would I abort a baby if I was in a solid relationship.I would have to accept the outcome and adjust my life accordingly. But only you are your partner can decide

I completely understand what you are saying, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with having an abortion if that is what you decide. BUT it will be very very hard to do I think. You will have to steel yourself if you make that decision and try your hardest to keep yourself removed from the idea that is a baby. Right now it is not, it is a bundle of cells with potential.
Am currently 41+4 will DS, 20 years after my first, and sometimes wish I had the guts to abort, not that he is unwanted, just struggling with the idea of the major adjustments I am going to have to make

I'm 33 and I don't think I'm past it for having a baby! I don't think you should use your age as a factor really. 33 is a normal age for women to be having babies.
98% protection means that every year, 1 in 50 women using it will get pregnant. When you express the numbers like that it sounds much more common than 2%!
You are right in that you don't have to go through with it, but I would be thinking it through very carefully and perhaps getting a counselling session from BPAS to go through the issues together. The factors that you have listed could be easily overcome (people manage with less money, people get used to having a baby again etc) but it does depend on what is right for YOU. Listen to what your gut instinct is telling you. For some people a termination is the right choice, for some people it isn't.

I am going through this now. 7w unplanned 4th pregnancy. I have 3 boys and am almost 40.

I have not stopped crying for 2 weeks and feel in turmoil.I hope you can come to a decision you feel comfortable with. I am struggling with that. I do not want to be pregnant but I personally do not think I could cope with getting rid of it either. Between a rock and a hard place.

Aargh what a decision!

I am not really a fan of abortion, especially in a strong relationship with no real issues, but can appreciate your concerns.

But as a pregnant mother of 3 (the first two unplanned), I can't see that those concerns are too much of a problem. When I found out I was expecting DC2 when DC1 was 6 months old, I seriously considered an abortion. We'd just moved house to a new area, got married, and were only 25. I had mild PND. We talked about it solidly for 2 weeks and had almost decided to do it when I began bleeding. I was beside myself and realised that without knowing it I had fallen in love with it already. He's now 11 and amazing. Thank God I didn't go through with it.

I have three children and live in a 4 bedroom house. When I told DC I was pregnant they started bickering over who would share a room with it - they all want to. I think we all worry too much about kids sharing rooms - it doesn't matter, not so long ago children used to share beds.

Why don't you test yourself - if you had the abortion, imagine how you would feel afterwards. Imagine you have a miscarriage. How would you feel? If your feelings would be those of relief, then you know what to do.

Futility I feel for you too.

i found out i was prego on the pill about 5 months ago i was quite horrified. i had 3 already, oldest was about to start secondary school. that part of my life was well and truly over, but abortion was just not something i could go through with, regardless of any practical reasons. so i am going to be having another little one and some times its fab and sometimes it gets me down but i know that one its born i wont regret it.

Deciding on terminating a pregnancy is the hardest and most serious decision you will ever have to make. If you have
Never experienced it before please be ready for the emotional torture that you may go through once it's over. I'm not against terminations in the right circumstances and as a last result, I had one when I was 16 an it's stayed with me ever since. It's not as easy as u may think and afterwards it doesn't feel like uv just reversed a pregnancy and gone and back to normal. I'll be really honest I don't regret having a termination at 16 it was the right thing to do but now I am 28 and expecting its started to haunt me because I know that the baby was pretty developed when I had it - no matter how early on, heart beat = life.

You are the only person that can make the choice and as horrible as it is knowone can even help you :(

As well as looking at the negatives I think you should look at the positives as well just to get a balanced argument.
I also have PCOS and it's very difficult to get pregnant with it- on top of that you were on the pill ...... Ur chances were so tiny and yet you still got pregnant, maybe see that as a sign it's meant to be - u obviously have a fighter!

I really feel for you, it's the hardest thing in the world to decide but I wouldnt let money be a reason, you sound pretty settled and although of course it will be tuff at time you will manage somehow!

Of course it's your choice and knowone should judge you either way, but for me ur reasons for not wanting to have the baby are not really that strong. I think if you thought the baby would have a bad life then of course terminate, but your in a real relationship, and I'm sure your two older children would spoil the little one rotten.
My mum had my brother when I had just started secondary and apart from him getting sick on my uniform the odd morning I loved having a baby in the house, even though there's a big age gap we are so close and he loves having a semi cool big sister to come and hang out with!

What ever you decide you need to be 100 million % sure.

Good luck and take care of yourself xxx

No, you don't need to be "100 million percent sure" as nobody can ever be that sure. Some decisions, especially ones like having a baby, require you to take a leap in the dark. You can't be absolutely sure that it is what you want, but you go for it anyway.

I hope your appointment went well. Don't be pushed into a decision you don't want because your partner wants it. That would be worse for your relationship than a baby that wasn't planned. If you want to have a termination it is not likely to emotionally scar you for life, but if you have started to think of the pregnancy in terms of "your baby" already then it might be much harder for you.

thankyou for all your help=i didnt go to the appt. rearranged it for wedsnesday.dp has been very honest and explained all his reasons and they seem to be very sensible and i agree with them. its the emotional side of it i m finding hard. im quite 'momsy' and love kids but i wouldnt go ahead without dps blessing.wouldnt be fair on the child. we are very happy as we are and i dont want to jeapardise that. we have just moved into a new house and only had the floor done today after months of restoration and alot of stress. he said he wants to enjoy it and so do i wth our 2 boys.dp has been very stressed lately suffering panic attacks and i have to agree that this wouldnt help him or us in the end!

It's good that you are talking it over. Sometimes what you want isn't the most "sensible" option though. The emotional side is much much more significant than the practicalities. I'm not sure what getting your floor done has to do with it. And I am not sure why he can't enjoy a new house with a baby in it. People deal with all sorts of practical things they were not expecting in life. How do you feel about having a termination? It is you that will have to go through it after all, not him. Although I don't believe that every woman who has an abortion will be scarred for life, it is still a massive emotional big deal for you and a decision that you will need to be at peace with. I think your emotions count for much more than practical stuff that can be worked around.

I guess I am saying that you should listen to your heart rather than listen to the voice of reason. If you really don't want to have this baby then a termination might be a good choice to make. If your heart tells you that you want to have the baby then no amount of common sense reasoning about new houses, floors and money will ever make that feeling go away.

I can totally relate to where you are out. We just found out I'm pregnant with 3rd child. At time I thought I wanted another baby but now am faced with the reality, I am having a massive panic. (Please don't judge me, already in a very bad way). I have two boys who are also getting older and we too are getting our lives back. Husband never really wanted a third but wanted to make me happy. Am terribly confused.

Have seen 2 counsellors- both with opposing views. One focused on the practicalities of making it work and the other focused on the impact on my relationship and how I was in danger of defining myself only through motherhood.

Can really feel for you in your turmoil. I was told to imagine my life in 1 year, 5 years and 10 year with each decision. At moment I am too scared to do this exercise and too emotional but it does sound like a good idea.

I am really thinking of you and sending you a cyber hug. Keep in touch.

Tthanku for taking thr time to listen to me. Not sleeping which doesn't help. I feel for all of u in similar situations. Dp said if wud make me hate him don't go thru with the termination. That doesn't help either. My sensible head says terminate. My heart says go for it. Really nees to see someone for help tho I no they can't make the decision. Going BPAS tmoro tho I'm gonna try+go today if they have an appt. Gonna try that 1. 5 and 10 year thing too xxx

Hi shattered mum. My heart and head too are in contradiction so I can relate to you. Keep an open mind, breathe and one of the counsellors today said to me, whatever decision you make, do it positively, and say, life isn't perfect, i'm making this decision cos I think it's right, then make sure you say supportive things to yourself in your head.

Let us know how you go in this counselling session.

i did the same thing jacky jacks did i said to myself this is the biggest massivest decision in my life right now but what will it be for me in one year or 5 years etc. how i cope with any bad/shocking news because it tends to put it in perspective for me.
for me it was well in 5 years i will have a 5 year old who will be at school so all this baby stuff will be over.
for you it will could be the continuation of your family life as it is.
obviously your DP can see you are really struggling with this decision as he has given you a tenuous agreement to not have the termination if it is going to put a massive strain on your relationship, but that does put all the decision making in your hands and that is a lot of pressure.
just massive hugs (is that the third time i have said massive?) thinking of you.x

Just be sure it's a huge burden to carry and it will be with you for the rest of your life.

How are you doing today- thinking of you at this time. Remember to be kind to yourself.

got my appt today at 2.30 and dp cant come cus of work. i wish things could be different.i feel more and more pregnant every day which is confusing too. dp has said he doesnt feel the need or want more children but if im gonna fnd it too hard to abort he wll adapt and stick by me.he said to just be sure whatever i do im doin it for the right reasons.i dont want to go thru with it if its gonna ruin us. i have 2 boys t think about.i imagine things like the baby needs changing and dp says u wanted it u do it. silly i no but m so emotional right now.i wish that it had never happened. I also imagine how i would feel if i had a miscarriage(please forgive me)i would be devastated but would think it hapened for a reason.o i just dont no

I don't think it sounds like your dp would use a decision to keep the baby against you in future. He has promised he will do his best to adapt. He has two children already and if he loves them and is a good father, he can be just as good a dad to another baby.

My personal opinion, although as I don't know you I could be way way off the mark, is that you don't want to have an abortion but you are struggling with the responsibility of having to be the one who makes the decision to have the baby. In some relationships, having a termination that you resent your partner for wanting you to have can be more destructive than having a baby that you would cope ok with even though you didn't plan it.

He says he doesn't need more children but is happy to stick by you. Has he actually ever said outright that what he would really prefer is for you to have an abortion, or has he just said he would be ok with an abortion if that is what you really want?

Having another baby won't do any harm to your existing children. You may have to tighten your belts a bit for a while and you may have less space in the house. But kids are adaptable and they would be fine with it.

My main concern for you is that nowhere on this thread have you said that you don't want to have this baby. I hope your counselling session helps you to work out some of the issues and reach a decision that you can be comfortable and happy with.

havnt forgotten you either Futility and Jackyjax. have you made any decisions?

katandkit thanks - he has said he wants me to have an abortion but if i cant go through with it he will adapt. i never wanted another baby but its the thought of a termination that i struggle with. boys are older now. we have just finishes restoring our house and were looking forward to a bit of peace and a holiday abroad next year that we havnt had in years. money is tight too.he works all the hours god sends and is a great provider but i no he finds the responsibility stressful sometimes. i work 3 days too.he has said go today and see if it helps the decision. he said to take the emotion out of it and think is a baby a good thing for all of us...

you can't take the emotion out of it I'm afraid, you are pregnant and it is a very emotional situation. You have to think of your emotions and what will make you happiest in the long run. It may or may not be having the baby. It's easy for him to say that he wants you to have a termination and of course he has the right to express his opinion. But he is not the pregnant one and he is not the one who will have to go through a rather unpleasant procedure.
What will be the best thing for your family in the long run is that you reach a decision that you can be happy with. If you feel your family is complete with two and you feel that you can go through the termination without regrets then that is absolutely fine. If you can't do that, no amount of money, no foreign holiday and no amount of cold hard common sense will make any difference.

one more quick sticky beak from me because i really dont want you to feel like i am trying to influence you towards not having a termination, but wanting a miscarriage is not the same thing as going through with a termination.
when i found out i was pregnant the thought i that i might miscarry kept me sane at first (i so didnt want to be pregnant, for all you reasons and i had only been with dp for 8 months) so dont beat yourself up for thinking that. a miscarriage is a natural process were your body gets rid of your pregnancy for what ever reason but in your case you would be amazingly relieved that you didnt have to make a decision and you would also be able to be free to be sad about it with out any guilt associations,its a really natural place for your brain to go under these stressful circumstances.
your DP really will adapt by the way he will love this baby as much as you will. if you have it so i dont think you need to worry about that. men do tend to think about these types of things in far more practical terms, i am much more of a led by my heart kind of person as i feel these are the things that will still worry at us years from now, not whether we went on holiday that year iyswim.
like others have said be kind to yourself make sure DP is too, good luck and let us know how you get on.