please help. 5 wks pregnant-not planned. dp and i v v v confused...

[shatteredmumsrus]

to cut a long story shoer we have 2 boys aged 7 and 11. i have PCOS and have been on microgygon since second son was born. periods have been erratic lately and i started feeling symptons like with my 1st 2 pregnancies and so did a test which confirmed my fears. went to doctor that said it happens whilst on the pill! dp says it s unplanned we dont have to go thru with it which i agree with. there are many factors that suggest it is a bad idea for us. kids are settled and have their own room. when it is born our eldest will be starting secondary school, just moved house, moneys tight etc etc. but its soooo hard. it is our baby living inside me (only just granted -i know it is very early stages)Got an apt at BPAS today to go through abortion etc. both dp and i want to make the right decision for everybody. any advice. im 33 and he is 37. this is also a factor. he said by the time our youngest is 20 we are still young enough to enjoy it and do what we want to do. He said he would not have the same energy for this one...advice please

thx babyborn and congratulations x

im finding this an impossible decision. there are pros and cons for both.doesnt help that i hate my job (been there 1 years) and have been thinking about a change (not this kind of a change tho) but would still need to earn. dp wil do whatever i want basically and support either way. cant deal with the pressure anymore im crumbling by the day

babyborn i understand your situation but we already have 2 and certainly wouldnt have planned another one.i do understand tho xxx

In my PERSONAL (discard at will) opinion O.P. - and I have been there twice - You rarely regret a child once it's born. Although my life could have been so much better in many ways if I'd had my children under different circumstances, that thought rarely occurs to me and I have no guilt whatsoever.

However i have met people who have bitterly regretted an abortion, and as a quite emotional person myself, had I gone down that route I now know (because I know myself better) that I would have been one of them.

If you have a child you have to live with the consequences.

If you have an abortion you have to live with the consequences too. You have to know yourself. It's a question of degrees of impact.

I really feel for you as I am in almost identical position. I just can't imagine starting all over again. I am older though. Like you husband will support me but know that at age 50 he is vv tired. All of his friends have twenty year old children not newborns. Sometimes I want the baby but like you can see many reasons not to proceed. Plus I am worried that if bub is not well the impact on our two other children will be huge.

I have spoken to a lot of counsellors but still cannot decide and time is ticking. It is not true that everyone who has an abortion regrets it forever: some women feel relief and many others come to terms with it..it is hard to know what you would feel like afterwards as we are all so different..

I keep hoping for a miscarriage- sorry to those this upsets- as then the decision will be made for me.

Am sure I have been no help but wanted to say you are not alone.

Your dp sounds lovely and very considerate which is a massive plus. He's been honest about his misgivings but he's willing to make a go of it if that's what you want, so that's positive.

This is my take on it. There is no going back from a termination. IMO if you decide to have one you have to be very very sure that's what you want. You sound very unsure, which is worrying.

It seems from your posts that you're trying to convince yourself not to have the baby for practical reasons. Remember that those practical reasons could change in a heartbeat whereas how you feel is very unlikely to change. No matter how smooth or easy your life is with your two kids you'll still have to live with the termination. If you think that's the right way to go, and that overall it will be of benefit to you and your family, great. But if you think that, yes you'll have an "easy" life on paper but that the termination will sour that then what's the point? You'll have spared yourself the difficulty of having a third child but at the cost of your peace of mind, which isn't a good tradeoff in my opinion.

I know this is a tough decision and I wouldn't be in your shoes for anything. Just remember it's ok to go with the "emotional" option - in fact I think this is by far the most important option. How you feel about your life is far more important than how "easy" it is.

Good post callin. Essentially this is why I have decided to go ahead.

I think there are plenty of women who cope well with termination though and I guess you have to work out whether you are one of those women.

I met a lady with 4 the other day who admitted her 4th was not planned and that she had had a termination booked. At the last minute she pulled out and cancelled and now seems really positive about things.

Nku for ur msgs. Jacky-i am sorry u r in this position too. U may be older but there are lots of factors. I bet u r more financially secure than us. So so much to think about isn't there. Today I'm thinking go ahead with the baby. Now we r worried if there is somethiung wrong with it. We cudnt cope with that!so mixed up. Diamond-thanku for ur story too. It all helps+good luck with ur baby xx

I really feel for you, and am so glad that your dp sounds considerate even if you may not feel the same.

Fwiw, although I appreciate your worries whole heartedly, I couldn't terminate DH and my child, regardless of the number we had. And you're not old! I'm a year or so younger than you, and DH is the same age as your husband...he'll be 38 when the next one appears!

Good luck with your decision. X

Hi. No experience to offer you but I also have 2 children already and we are adamant that we don't want anymore. I'm so sorry to hear you are still struggling with the decision. Just my own opinion so ignore if you like, but it sounds like you don't know if you want the baby, you just know that you don't want to go through the process of terminating and potentially regret it. How about thinking about whether you enjoy being a mum, whether DP enjoys being a dad, with your sons a bit older now you know what it's going to be like. Don't think about the money, space, etc - loads of people say that you just adapt and make room for another one if you need to. If you actually dread the thought if having to bring up another one and be at home again then that is a lot to cope with along with the financial issues. If you think you would love and enjoy bringing up another one day in day out (ignoring thoughts of money, space, nights out) then maybe that's why you are hesitating now about terminating. I don't know if that is useful or not, I just think it might help you clarify your thoughts a bit as they seem crowded with all the different worries you have.

Pissed off with it all. The pressure is immense. Appt is a wk today. I'm so sorry to keep going on. If only this had never happened. Y me eh?I will never be able to decide. PRactically its ridiculous_money,space,lack of bsitters,age of eldest child,no Spain nxt year,carrying an army of stuff wherever I go. . Emotionally its-can I do sleep deprivation again. Dp slept Thru the last times!terrible 2s,starting school. then I think of that newborn+seeing the kids with it. But as dp says they don't stay babies forever. They are people+this she isn't big enough

You might be lucky and get a baby that's more of the easier kind in terms of sleep, you might be able to rearrange Spain to a bit later/ earlier, I've never had to carry an army of stuff where ever I go due to a baby you'll know what you're doing this time with the early years. Say to DP that you'd want him to stand by you and help at night more. He'd appreciate your honesty and it'd bring you closer together by working as team to cover nights. Money, space babysitters, age of other children these are always factors in families no matter how many you have. These things pale to insignificance like you say when you hold them and watch them grow with pride. One thing an old lady said to me years ago when I was having a very tough and confusing time has stuck with me through the years and I'll share it with you "You are always stronger than you think you are. When you step back and work out how you're going to make it work instead of trying to wish things away you'll be stepping closer to true happiness my love". She was so right, things had already changed.

We were planning a big holiday away next year. Thats now had to be put on hold. I think to be honest its me and DH that will miss it more than the boys. We will still get somewhere in this country, probably cottage in Devon or something. They will be happy and hopefully its only for a few years.

I know with 4 money will be tighter and holidays will be different but thats not always a bad thing. OK so our children will not be skiing or going to Florida but lets face it when I was little we wet to Skegness in a caravan! What I am trying to say is that hopefully long term things won't be too different. I am confident now that I need very little for a baby. Cot, pushchair, baby grows and nappies and thats about it.

architen - how true those words are

diamond - i neeeed a holiday abroad.sick to death of caravans to be honest(just been to Devon in a caravan-again). i no i no those of you who are saying listeb to yourself, a baby or abroad but im just being honest. we could take a baby with us i no

still rambling arnt i

I also wish it had never happened to us. We have just entered much easier phase of parenting: it is going to be far less demanding with boys so I feel your worries about dragging stuff everywhere. We are moving to uk next year and relatives have said they will look after the boys so husband and I will have some us time. No one will watch new baby or 3 children: it will be constant juggle. Then my heart thinks of baby. Feel very torn like you. I keep thinking after first three years or so do I really want to have 3 children or would our family be happier with two. Wishing you luck in your decision: I am also finding it v hard to decide. We have been trying to make our minds up for last 3 weeks. Now 8 weeks gone. Wish I was not in this position. Hugs.

Hugs too I'm 6 wks now. Its impossible isn't it x

Dp doesn't want it. Just had a discussion+he said its cus it wasn't planned it can't b wanted. I disagree_its here now so deal with it is my mantra. Totally devastated to hear him say it. As I was crying he said'ul never have an abortion,let's b honest' as if I'm weak or something. So much for sensitivity eh. I no he is just upset by it all but so am I. This time nxt wk it cud all b over+im scared

Please don't give this baby up for the sake of your dp. Only do it if that's what you want. Don't be pushed into it by him. For him the baby is an abstract thing, not real at all, but for you it's growing in your body and you're aware of it all the time. If you choose to terminate for your dp it will not help your relationship, it will damage it, possibly beyond repair.

He is being very unkind to you. Do you have anyone else you can talk to about this in real life?

A toone of babies that are "surprise babies" and at times resented by confused parents during pregnancy turn out within a short space of time to be very much loved and adored by all. Perhaps he's trying to voice his fear in this way because he doesn't think you'll abort the baby. Things have changed already for you and won't ever go back in time. I found my DH didn't really feel that things had already changed until he was holding the baby in his arms because they are not the ones holding the babies inside them I think that's why my DH was so insensitive.

You do need to agree on the outcome - it is DP's baby and DP's life too.

Have told bf who has no dc and never wants them. No one else. He has been downstairs to ask me to come to bed. He didn't mean to be nasty. He's just upset. We never spoke about having more dc+this has been the biggest shock to us both. I can't and don't want to have a baby on my own without his blessing. This is our family+i want everyone to be happy. In my gut I think a termination is the sensible option. But I'm scared of how empty I'll feel afta. Don't want to regret it+think there's a family member missing all my life

I want me+him to decide tgether but atm I don't no whether I'm coming or going

Listen....if he hadn't said he wanted you to have an abortion would you have come up with the idea yourself?

His opinions and feelings are valid but it's YOU that has to make the choice really and you that will have to live with it...whatever you decide. If you choose an abortion it is your body thatgoes through that...if you choose to ahave the baby...its you who does the work and experiences it all.

Llike I said...would you have even conidered an abortion if he hadn't suggeted it?

Yes I was considering both options. Just finding it hard to decide

I empathise I really do....