please help. 5 wks pregnant-not planned. dp and i v v v confused...

[shatteredmumsrus]

to cut a long story shoer we have 2 boys aged 7 and 11. i have PCOS and have been on microgygon since second son was born. periods have been erratic lately and i started feeling symptons like with my 1st 2 pregnancies and so did a test which confirmed my fears. went to doctor that said it happens whilst on the pill! dp says it s unplanned we dont have to go thru with it which i agree with. there are many factors that suggest it is a bad idea for us. kids are settled and have their own room. when it is born our eldest will be starting secondary school, just moved house, moneys tight etc etc. but its soooo hard. it is our baby living inside me (only just granted -i know it is very early stages)Got an apt at BPAS today to go through abortion etc. both dp and i want to make the right decision for everybody. any advice. im 33 and he is 37. this is also a factor. he said by the time our youngest is 20 we are still young enough to enjoy it and do what we want to do. He said he would not have the same energy for this one...advice please

Sory I didn't answer ur points. App is mon 14th. Dp is v supportive,lots of hugs and talking. He is finding it v hard too. On 1 hand he says it could be lovely but in the other it could be v stressfull. He doesn't want to b an old dad and koves it the way it is. He wants us to have a life tgether when the kids r indepndant. That will b in ten years. If we have another 1 itl be much more. He doesn't want kids round him when he is 60 something. He works v hard and wants some peace x

Laura-my dp felt like that at first. It takes at least a wk to get ur head round. It. Keep talking. How pg r u?

I really feel for you. I'm now 7 weeks gone and finding decision making hard too. We're heading back to uk next year when both my kids would be at school. Finally I'd have some time to myself and I'd like to see who I am apart from mum. Don't know if I have energy to do playgrounds all over again at 42 nearly 43. Family member said she would mind our boys so husband and I could have weekends away together when we return to uk. Husband is hanging out for this. Third baby would mean we couldn't do this as no family member would be able/ want to mind baby. Then in eg 4 years time, no family member would want all 3.

Husband is 50 me 42 and I feel we're finally heading towards easier part of parenting as boys nearly 4 and 6.

But then my heart wants to nuzzle a baby and see my children with the baby.

Head and heart not aligned. Counsellor said people are rarely 100% either way. Termination is safer option in lots of ways as I can clearly see what life would be like then. I am risk averse so can't imagine taking leap of faith for the third. Heart says otherwise..

Sorry for long story, feel terribly torn. Like you I want it to be over and have wanted miscarriage- sorry if this is insensitive. Wishing you lots of luck. Let us know how you get on. Any supportive words of wisdom much appreciated.

o poor you i totally understand. what does your husband think?

I have changed my name from futility to something less negative.

I feel for you both going through this. I am now almost 9 weeks and although not positive and not as desperate as I was. I am still sort of hoping for something to go wrong though. It would jus be so much easier if this was not happening. Personally though I don't think things can ever go back to how they were. If I made the decision to have a termination that would hand over me.

You just have to make a decision that you feel comfortable with if thats possible. I have accepted this but thats all. Keep us posted.

u still sound unhappy tho diamond(like the new name). That's what I mean. A pregnancy is meant to be exciting and a special time. I must admit I have been thinking baby,momsy thoughts today. Imagining nuzzling into that newborn babies neck,with that baby smell. I went swimming+had stich after. I no I am pregnant. I feel it. However I do thinki cud go thru with a termination as long as I had the right reasons+kew I was doing the right thing

Just wondering what you decided to do. I spoke to a counsellor today who was helpful. She explored why part of me wanted a third- to do with 'getting it right', the chance to be the perfect parent, the whole fantasy about a third child- and also spoke to me about what other things I might want in my life.
She said if I had the third I might feel guilt re not being there for my other two, guilt cos husband is much older and only had it for me, etc. This counselling is my experience but of course it would be different for others.

She said whichever way we went it would be ok.
Good luck with your decision.

And have u decided?x

My advice would not be to rush into anything as my husband has now had a dramatic turnaround, which I was not expecting. He was in shock but has now come to terms. We have told our parents and have heard of a family member who was in the same situation...who decided to do what her husband wanted, and has still not forgiven him. Remember you are very important.

Laura that's good news. Funnily enuf my dp has said to go for it too. Shock obviously takes time to get over. Trouble is I don't no if I want to go thru all this again. I like my 2. 4 family. Kids have a room each. Dp and me can have the odd night if kids stay at friends. Have no family to help out. Now the shoes on the other foot so to speak!how do I decide

oh blimey shattered thats tricky. i truly do not envy you. guess he had a change of heart seeing how hard you were taking it?

yeah he said he thought about my feelings and decided he wasnt too old (37) as he had been speaking to people who obviously made him feel beter about it. now its me who is not so sure. things are so chilled now and peaceful. wouldnt wanna upset the applecart blah blah!other main thing for me is money and space. i have qualified as a childminder but have never done it. i work 3 days in a bank and always sress and struggle over school holidays. i couldnt manage another 1 to sort out.unless i take up my childminding but would need to earn at least 650 a month. how many children over how many hours would i need to have to cover this?anyone?that would sort childcare out.then there is space we have 3 bedrooms. each son has a room each, thats why we just moved house and they love ie. eldest is 11 and is starting to need is own space, puberty etc and he youngest is 7 and he loves his little green room!id feel awful making them share again after a taste of their own room(5months).loft conversion is a possibility but we are skint!!!oh god please help me

Shattered - I totally feel for you. You really can't predict life's twists and turns so although planning sounds like something you need to do, it shouldn't be your motive for terminating or not. I nearly aborted my now 7 year old because I had no money, job or house (just finished a job as a house sitter when I found out I was 8 weeks pg). In fact everything from work to housing to a new partner sorted itself perfectly but you could never have predicted it.You just have to have faith that it will I think.
A new baby could share your room until it needs a bed of it's own. Sounds grim but it's better then tripping down a landing half asleep for every night feed I think. That's a year or two to sort yourselves out.
Childminding I think would pay enough but being fun and stimulating all day is much harder then working in a bank. Perhaps just do after school and holidays?
I also think you also have a good age gap in that the older two are fairly self sufficent and can help you out/amuse the baby etc.

I also think if you go to the termination appointment you will know for sure. I was down to the white gown and was handed the pill that starts the process before I knew I just couldn't do it. It just cleared my mind. I have also had an abortion many years ago and have never really regreted it because I didn't want it enough. As the counsellor said either way and it will turn out fine. You will have a great family whichever choice you make.

Thinking of you

I left a good city job to be a mum, and now child mind. I make between 100 and 200 per week and my children have made their closest best friends from the hours they have spent together. After school pick ups work well with the older ones. It has worked for us...could work for you.

Thx laura

Plenty of us are having no. 1 at 37! It's not too old!

All we can do is offer our experience and support to you.

We were trying for a baby but then I almost took a MAP as when it came to it I was faced with fears I kept thinking "I can't go through birth again...Oh goodness this is serious stuff..what if it brings changes we find difficult to handle..I need to move the house round...people will need to share...this will affect my career" then I realised that things are already changed. We do NFP so the chances were that we were expecting. No one else would know, but I would. I've miscarried before and I think with sadness that those babies passed away. I knew although the baby would very very young I would hold that grief too. The potential.
I took myself off for the afternoon to a cafe and turned my phone off. I decided that I've never been put off by change before and that I'm in a secure marriage I can work through the inconvenient and scarey things if they come up. I've had a few moments in life where I've felt scared but to face it and trust that I can deal with it was one of the most empowering moments of my life. Everyone is different all I can do is share my experience of facing similar fears. I'm in tears just remembering how frightened I felt at the time.

I speak to you today with that very child 6 months peacefully sleeping. When I look back to all the moments in pregnancy where I felt scared, tired a bit sick my goodness I felt it's worth it. She's my girl. I didn't think I'd have anymore children at one point. She's obviously not speaking yet but I can see the potential in her smiles and cuddles. Looking back I would rearrange my entire life if I needed to as my family have all grown from having her come to us, she is our child and if I could speak to myself back when I was facing those fears I would have said so. My MIL and father were both against it then I pointed out to them that this is their grandchild and you know they're accommodating the whole family as if the conversation never happened by the time I was 4 months expecting. Childhood is so short but lovely people come from it. At moments I'm looking forward to them being grown up and seeing the adults that they will be just now I'm enjoying watching their personalities be revealed everyday. It's precious but fleeting time.
It sounds like you're a good thoughtful woman and mother with some wonderful support. I hope you are feeling ok today.

Good luck, as once you come to your decision no looking back because you can't ever change your decision.

Ch-what a lovely story. So glad things turned out well for u and congratulations. I am struggling a lot today. Cried my eyes out as soon as I opened them. Dp has took boys over the park. He checked his lottery tkt before he went. Maybe he was hoping. Then that wud change things. We R in debt after the renovation of this house so that's an extra pressure too. I also have a best friend who lost her baby girl after 48hrsearlier this year. How cud I tell her?lifes not fair is it???I do wish this had never happened so we wudnt have to decide. What r my family going to think?in 10 yrs time dc wil be 17 and 21 and I worry for them. How wil they b able to move out in this climate? Don't want thenm with us forever+we havnt any money to help them

shattered what are you doing to yourself? they will get jobs and move in to a house share like everyone else does when they want to move out and have a bloody great time doing it. why worry about things you have no control over you have no idea what the financial state of the country or yourselves is going to be in 10yrs time.
we all muddle through regardless dont worry about things that you cant fix.xxxx

I'm 33 and ttc my first. I don't think you'll be too old to be an active parent through the teenage years/20's....

Good luck in your decision.

thx i always feel desperate in the mornings and better as the day goes on.just dont wanna upset anyones life as we have just settled down nicely

I shamefully had a termination 3 years ago. I have regretted it to this day! I have no idea why i was so set not to have that baby. I still dont know that answer now. Just over a year ago i felt very broody, and i am now 18 weeks pregnant with second child. It was planned and i am delighted. I do wish i hadnt had the termination 3 years ago, i regret it deeply. Please think hard about this. You may never beable to forgive yourself. Good luck! xx