please help. 5 wks pregnant-not planned. dp and i v v v confused...

[shatteredmumsrus]

to cut a long story shoer we have 2 boys aged 7 and 11. i have PCOS and have been on microgygon since second son was born. periods have been erratic lately and i started feeling symptons like with my 1st 2 pregnancies and so did a test which confirmed my fears. went to doctor that said it happens whilst on the pill! dp says it s unplanned we dont have to go thru with it which i agree with. there are many factors that suggest it is a bad idea for us. kids are settled and have their own room. when it is born our eldest will be starting secondary school, just moved house, moneys tight etc etc. but its soooo hard. it is our baby living inside me (only just granted -i know it is very early stages)Got an apt at BPAS today to go through abortion etc. both dp and i want to make the right decision for everybody. any advice. im 33 and he is 37. this is also a factor. he said by the time our youngest is 20 we are still young enough to enjoy it and do what we want to do. He said he would not have the same energy for this one...advice please

He has said he doesn't want you to have an abortion for his sake but made it abundantly clear that he doesn't want the baby. I think that's awful. Sorry for bashing your DP...but I am that a man in a settled relationship with DC already, could be so negative about another child which is already conceived.

I think you really need to separate HIS feelings from yours. YOU have to live with this...he doesn't have to feel anything physical...he doesn't have to sign the papers. YOU do.

Again, I think you are giving far more weight to your husband's concerns than your own feelings. Nearly all your posts are about what your husband thinks.

What do YOU want?

If he says he doesn't want you to have a termination for his sake -- then don't. I agree with Mumbling, I think your turmoil about this is a sign that you are not resigned to going through with it.

i dont no what i want still -honestly. all i no is that im finding the idea od getting rid of it very hard. i can see it is the sensible thing to have an abortion but does that make it the right thing?

I don't think that just because a termination might be sensible, it is the right thing to do or that you have to do it.

I think very few people have babies in an ideal environment there are always some reasons why it's not convenient, or not for the best. When I had DS, we were living in a studio in a dodgy bit of town, skint, I had to interrupt my studies, my DH had to change jobs I'm sure we could have come up with loads of reasons not to have a baby right then, but that didn't make a termination the right decision (for us).

I don't want to judge your reasons, because I don't think women should have to justify their decisions. I do think that many women in your exact situation would still have the baby, because none of those reasons are so insurmountable that they can't be overcome.

If you are finding it very hard, I don't think you should proceed. This isn't like most decisions in life where you should do the most sensible thing. You still have a few weeks left -- as much as you probably want it over with, I think you should have some counseling before making a final decision.

You have just answered your own dillema. You obviously don't want to have an abortion so don't.

In your situation it would be more sensible to have the baby as the cost to your mental health could be catastrophic.

I am not sure how much help it is for people to say that she should'nt have a termination. Until you are in that position it is impossible to say. and in addition if you are Pro-choice then any reason can be the right one to make the decision ...not if its not a good enough reason as a few people have said

Shattered must think of her mental health in both scenarios and make a decision based on those factors.

No-one would imagine I would be the sort of person to have termination but it was the right thing for me to do at that time....

OP has 2 children already this is not a 1st child she knows what its going to be like so CAN make a decision based on her life so far and she must at least take account of her DH's feelings - he has been honest however unpalatable that is.

What pressure will that put on the relationship and tha of the children if he isnt behind her 100% emotionally and practically....

Hello Shattered.

I've just read through your thread and felt compelled to post - I rarely do on pregnancy-related threads - I've never been pregnant so don't have the benefit of any experience). Therefore I really hope you don't mind me adding my thoughts.

It seems fairly clear that you don't want to terminate your baby Shattered. I know that you're being very pragmatic and thinking of the practical implications that a third child will have on your life - but you simply cannot ignore the emotional side.

There are a number of reasons you have given why you shouldn't have this baby - Spain next year, short of money, wanting more freedom when your 2 DS have grown up etc. There are ways around all of these issues though - you can delay Spain for another year, it sounds like you've finished the work on your house now so will have less to spend on that, your friends/DS can look after the new baby in 5-10 years time to give you and OH the opportunity to go on holiday together etc. None of these problems are permanent.

Have you given any thought to the positive effects that a new baby will have on your family? Think back to how happy you were when your two DS' were born and how they've complemented your life - you can have that all over again with this child. I'm betting that all the reasons that made you think you should terminate will seem like a dim and distant memory once DC has arrived.

Maybe make the decision tonight one way or the other, start to plan your life with that decision in mind (I'm talking making actual lists) and see how you feel tomorrow. If you still feel completely wretched, perhaps you've made the wrong decision. On the other hand, if you feel a bit like a weight has lifted, perhaps it's the right decision.

Take care of yourself and sorry again if I've spoken out of turn.

your thoughts are very welcome Imps xx

Notsure and what pressure will it put on the relationship if the OP has an abortion and then regrets it.

OP it is YOUR choice and as many have said, of course your DP's feelings count....but in the end it is YOUR choice...not his....that's because it is your body and your mind and in the end....your baby.

Is there any way you could go away for a night? Maybe on Friday? Have you confided in any friend or relation? It seems too much for you to have to deal with...

Unless YOU are 100% sure you want a termination, don't have one! If this 'd' partner was so against ever having another child, he'd have been a real man and had a vasectomy.

I agree he has the right to an opinion, but this isn't his decision because it is your body. And everything in your posts is saying you don't want to terminate.

So don't.

habe only told bf who is anti kids!dont wanna tell famil as they all have their own problems. mom is old and doesnt need any stress but i no what they all would say. its my decision. no chance of getting a night away im afraid. thats what i mean - we have no bsitters as it is

not sure about the 'real man' comment but i take your point and he has said that he wil have a V after this is all over.it never occurred to us before

After what is all over, your having a termination you don't want?

He's being very clever here, saying he'll stand by you, he respects you don't want a termination, he'll have the snip 'after it's all over' but in the same breath telling you how much he doesn't want a baby and how impractical it all is and how termination is what's best for the greater good.

That's manipulative as all hell and unfortunately because you are vulnerable and hormonal it's hard for you to see what all the rest of us do.

Mumbling : quite, I agree with you and thats what makes it an incredibly hard decision.

I am not so PRO termination that I am encouraging her to take it - but it is 1 of 2 options open to her and both should be given equal thought....

It is important to think through all possibilities:

have baby - all is well, op adapts, dh happy, kids happy
have baby - op regrets it, family doesnt adapt, 3 other people in family also very affected negatively.
have termination - tough choice but best all round - op gets over it
have termination - regrets it and struggles to come to terms with it

i mean when its all over - either way

Just read this thread and wanted to say I am you but 3 months ago. I went to bpas and had a termination. Should have done what you have done and come onto mumsnet for help but fely so horribly guilty and terrible that I told no one, apart from dh.

I still feel awful and prone to crying at threads like this and also posted a while back saying how I had made the wrong choice. DH let me make the choice but made it clear what he preferred (termination). Still dont know if it was the right choice.

Sorry, not much help there, but you are not alone and keep talking to us. I can't talk to DH but can talk to MN. Not sure if there is anyway to be 100% whatever you decided. S x

oh Simplytes thankyou. i dont want to end up regretting and im sorry this has upset you. what were your reasons. dont answer if you dont want to xx

I haven't been in your situation OP but just wanted to send you a MN hug. What an awful predicament, we have 2 boys and our youngest has special needs and I am 6 months off 40. We are not planning to have any more because of the SEN issues with DS2, but I would be equally torn if I got pg again. Such a hard decision, but your DH is wrong when he says 'as this baby wasn't planned it won't be wanted' sorry if incorrect paraphrase-I was an unplanned baby and was much wanted and I know lots of people who have had surprise babies and they're all much wanted. Yes a new arrival would be hard on the family but only have a termination if you are as sure as you can be that that is the right decision. I don't know anyone who has regretted going through with a pregnancy and having their baby. Maybe it is a chance to take stock, do a different job (especially if you don't like your current job) and cut back. If you were made redundant you would cope financially wouldn't you? We all have to 'get by' by whatever means we can, a baby won't make everything awful. Hope you can get some support from MN.

I'm totally pro-choice, no ifs no buts. I've had one termination when I was at uni, one dd at age 40. From reading this thread, I feel you need more counselling. I think BPAS provide unlimited sessions. I agree with others who say you need to get to a place of peace with your decision, accepting it may not be perfect, but it's the best decision you can make now. You are allowed to be unsure, you're allowed to feel scared, you are above all allowed to change your mind as often as you need. Your dp could probably do with his own sessions, that's his choice and responsibility. You can't be held responsible for his feelings, you've got enough on your plate. Take as much time and counselling as you need to feel at peace with your decision.

I have two DS, approaching 40 years, have had 2 mc's and recently trained as a teacher and a foster carer and keen to get back/remain working. I did the pros and cons (sounds so heartless I know) and thought that all our plans would have to go on hold for five years or so until child went to school. Also the thought of another mc chills me to the bone.

So many reasons - were they good enough - I don't know? Please don't worry about me being upset, does me good to talk about this as it is a subject can't with DH, he is so bloody reasonable it messes with my head, I want to scream and shout and he talks calmly and logically. Just want to say it is too late now - why did I do it?

100% unplanned, DH is booked in for vascestomy. I don't have any advice except keep talking and hopefully the right choice will become clearer.

well dont feel bad about your decision you are obviously a good person and did what you thought was right and with those reasons you were very justified xxxx

I am actually finding this thread very useful as I started a very similar one. I think thankfully that it has helped me to clarify my thoughts that keeping this baby is the right decision. I am lucky though that DH would genuinely have supported me either way.

I really hope that all of you going through this find a decision that you feel comfortable with.

Thank you. Have you thought about how you will decide? I wish I spoke to a mate in real life but my best mate has been trying for a baby for 3 years and my other mate has just had a baby and I am godmother - didn't think appropiate to talk to either!

Also worried about being judged and family finding out somehow. When I look at my sons I hate myself for depriving them of a sister or brother and thats when I think I should have spent longer thinking about it. Found out when we were on holiday as soon as we got home I went for scan and I was 5 weeks, was petrified I was going to start feeling pregnant and knew I wouldn't be able to go through it if that happened so had termination at 6 weeks - they said that was the earliest. Went there alone and walked home alone and cried alone. Bugger - I'm not helping at all, sorry.

I think you need to be as sure as possible or you may end up like me!! More counselling? Perhaps your partner can spend more time talking through this with you - mine was rubbish - but perhaps yours is more vocal.