please help. 5 wks pregnant-not planned. dp and i v v v confused...

[shatteredmumsrus]

to cut a long story shoer we have 2 boys aged 7 and 11. i have PCOS and have been on microgygon since second son was born. periods have been erratic lately and i started feeling symptons like with my 1st 2 pregnancies and so did a test which confirmed my fears. went to doctor that said it happens whilst on the pill! dp says it s unplanned we dont have to go thru with it which i agree with. there are many factors that suggest it is a bad idea for us. kids are settled and have their own room. when it is born our eldest will be starting secondary school, just moved house, moneys tight etc etc. but its soooo hard. it is our baby living inside me (only just granted -i know it is very early stages)Got an apt at BPAS today to go through abortion etc. both dp and i want to make the right decision for everybody. any advice. im 33 and he is 37. this is also a factor. he said by the time our youngest is 20 we are still young enough to enjoy it and do what we want to do. He said he would not have the same energy for this one...advice please

Thank you was to shatteredmumsrus but pleased Diamondwhite is happy with choice - hope/sure it all goes brilliantly for you.

simply - why did you go on your own? you poor thing x

Simply so sorry for what you went through. Sounds horrid.

Simply I'm so sorry to hear about what you are still going through. It must be a real strain on you and your relationship.

Shattered I was thinking about you today, hoping that you are alright and keeping your chin up with that all encompassing exhaustion you get in the first trimester (Thank God for the second trimester when it lifts and you feel glowing!). It occurred to me that your husband said that he didn't think you would abort a while back and perhaps he is acting out his fears just now because he wants you to tell him that his fears are surmountable. Maybe that is what he needs to hear from you even if it would mean him voicing his fears further and facing them? I agree with other posters in that everything you've said so far seems to indicate that you do not want to terminate your baby. You come across as realising that your baby is the result of you and your husband's love for one another and that although they are a surprise and you'll need to re-shuffle things that you are a strong, capable, loving mother and wife for all of your family. Try not to crumble because from what I can see on here even in one of your more vulnerable times you are a strong role model for your children and if your husband doesn't see what we can all see I suggest you tell him to refocus.

Hi Shattered, hope today is looking brighter as it is for me. I watched Greys Anatomy last night and one of the main characters had an abortion, I know it was just TV but I know she was 100% certain but just before the Dr asked her if she was certain, she said yes.

When I was at bpas for the termination nobody asked me if I was certain, if they had I would have said no. How can you be certain? Sorry for waffle just trying to explain I don't think you will know if it is the right choice or not.

I do think if there is any chance for you to talk to another person, a friend, not your partner and have a really open conversation that might help. I so feel for you and sorry for complete downer last night. I am/will be OK.

Simply that is shocking. Hope you're OK. I got my info from a radio debate, sorry if it's not accurate.
OP A lot of us are stressing the importance of you being comfortable with your decision and the importance of counselling. Hope you can get what you need.

ah thankyou - i dont want to upset/stress anyone

I am ok today. me and dp are ok too, lots of hugs and kind txts while we are at work. he is still v negative about having the baby but i do accept his points. basically he doesnt want to upset the applecart which i understand totally. i told him to book monday off and he said we need time to reflect and asked if i minded him going out to footy and then a drink tonight. think he needs it as its been quite intense. we will see. im sure together we will do the right thing.

its funny 1 day i wake up and think a termination is the right thing to do. the next im all emotional and dramatic and want to keep the baby no matter how impractical

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today.

What strikes me about your DH's reasonings is that they are indeed very good reasons for not trying to get pregnant in the first place. That doesn't mean they are necessarily good reasons to have a termination. Do you think he understands this distinction? I think it's harder for men as it's more abstract at this stage.

Can you get some time off as well? Go do something nice for yourself? You may find it easier to make a decision when you're feeling calm and relaxed.

You know we will all support you whatever you decide. Don't worry about upsetting any of us!

Hello, I think it's great that you're getting a lot of feedback but slightly unsettling as it's all very pro keeping the baby which is great if that's what you want but maybe doesn't help you explore all the options.

There are some great websites that have structured activities to help you to make a decision. One is from the royal women's hospital in victoria, australia. They ask a series of questions- about 20- about each option ie keeping, terminating and adoption. These questions really help you to think everything through.

Another great website is www.childrenbychoice.org.au. they have an information sheet which guides you in your decision.

I think both of these options will help to take you out of the frenzy of indecision and help you to clarify what you really want.

and for what it's worth, I think it is important to listen to your husband's needs and wants too. One of the counsellors I spoke to said it was essential to consider the impact on everyone in the family. My husband is a great guy but he also doesn't want another child and I understand how he feels.

I really do think a counsellor could help- even if it's only online.

Best of luck.

PS I got some stats about how women feel if they terminate- from longitudinal studies which are scientifically backed up- and the prognosis wasn't that bleak. The women who really suffered afterwards were those who felt coerced into the decision and those who had some mental health issues beforehand.

jacky- what have u decided then? U make some really valid points. Amazingkly enough it scares me more keeping It than having a termination. Excuse spellin-on mobile

Jacky do you not get the sense that the OP is being slightly coerced in her decision? I think that is why she is getting a lot of pro-baby responses because she has expressed some emotional longings to keep it, which are being overridden by her DH's focus on the practical aspects.

I suspect that if the DH was happy about the pregnancy and wanted to keep it, the OP would as well.

Like I said, I am pro-choice, I have had a termination, and I would not question the OP at all if she came on here and said she has decided to have a termination and is just feeling some sadness about it. But instead she is sharing major doubts, and to me at least it seems like her reasons are more her DH's reasons than her own.

I don't know why you find it 'unsettling' that we are suggesting she not have a termination unless she is quite sure it's what she wants to do.

(apologies for talking 'about' you OP, I hope you are feeling okay today)

hi i am feeling ok today - surprisingly chirpy even thought i was awake gone 3am.(my mind was going round and round)

I felt positive about having an abortion. wanting to get my life back on track. being with my boys last night having fun just the 3 of us (dp went out. dp had day off today and i told him i felt positive about a termination and he said we still need to talk as he isnt sure anymore. i went off on 1 saying thats not fair you have been damming the idea all week and he said he knows but he needed to air his concerns..now neither of us are sure and Monday is coming along quickly. i am more scared keeping it that not today. our life is really settled and im thinking of the older one starting secondary school with a newborn! after the decision is made i will look back on this thread im sure.....................

sorry if im boring anyone i know im going on a bit and you all have your own worries
x

Oh good, glad you are feeling okay today. If you can get to the point where you are really at peace with your decision, that's a good thing, and it sounds like you are starting to feel that way.

It's natural to go back and forth, for your DH as well, although I can see why that would be so frustrating for you! You can always postpone a few days. In the same way that it wouldn't be fair for you to have to go ahead without being sure, it wouldn't be fair for your DH either. I know you don't want to prolong things, I'm sure, but a few days now to come to terms with your decision could make a big difference long-term.

Good luck getting through the weekend, I hope things go okay.

Dp doesn't think we shud have abortion now. Says it doesn't feel right. I'm so scared of starting again. Atm we can do what we like the dc are so easygoing. We have come out to watch the england game+hav nt seen them as they have just played nicely. We can do those things anymore???? X

Oh goodness. I'm not surprised you're scared! It's a lot to contemplate. But there's every chance DC 3 would be very easygoing too and you could still do lots of things. Staying in the football example we managed to watch virtually every world cup match when DS was a few months old, as he was so chilled out. I know it must be daunting to think of starting all over but eventually you will be back where you are now, it's not forever.

You mentioned that no matter what, DH is getting the snip, so this would be your last child. Would it help to think of all the nice things you'll get to do one last time? Like all the newborn cuddles and such?

Do you think it would help if you and DH went for counseling, to help make a final decision?

Yes ur right. Its not as if we r out all the time anyway. I'm just scared. Maybe counsellings a good idea. Dp thinks so too. Thx

shatteredmum, just wanted to wish your family good luck whatever you decide and do. You know, I have no idea what I would recommend you to do. However, after reading your posts, I am actually quite sure that your family will do very well either way.

Big hugs!

I was 38 and DP was 39 when I had DD. DP already had two sons who were 9 and 7.

We don't feel old at all! And DD has brought a lot of joy to our family, not just to me - her brothers adore her, and DP loves having another younger child. He says he is a much better father third time round!

Oh - please don't underestimate just how useful your boys will be as babysitters/entertainers/childcarers for a much younger sibling!

blimey shattered that was a turn around guess maybe he thought you would say no to a termination and he would have to go along with it. how you feeling now, remember you still get final say whether its a yeah or a nay.

it is a turnaround. in scareed wither way to be honest. im scared to go through pregnancy and sleepless nights again. scared of getting fat again! scared of having no social life again, scared of dealing with a toddler, starting school all over again and as im in a new area id have to meet new mums at a new school etc etc. All that said can i abort it?i dont no. dont no if ill regret it. its crunch time. dp has and is being realy goodl

shatteredmum- I am in a similar position and am 8 wks now. We have three older DC. The youngest is still a pre schooler so I haven't yet got to the stage of having a life back but if we had the baby it would obviously delay it by some years! I am so worried about coping with four/ balancing the needs of the older children with a newborn baby and the negative impact it might have on them/ how it would restrict us as a family.
I don't want to be pregnant and go through all of that again (not helped by feeling v nauseous currently), give birth and make all the sacrifices necessary for a baby/ young child. I know that this sounds selfish but I have done it three times already and am not sure how I feel about putting my wishes on the back burner even longer.
My DH is keener to go ahead with the pregnancy than I am and is being v supportive and kind so I feel guilty about making a decision which is not his preference.
It is really hard isn't it?

it is the hardest decision I have ever had to make to be honest and im stil unsure of what to do. my apt is tomorrow morning. my dp is also more keen to keep the baby now which is what i initially wanted but not so sure now. he doesnt think 'its me' to have an abortion and thinks it will cause problems for us.im not sure. take now for instance, older dc are upstairs chilling and me and dp are lying on settee reading and doing what we like!

My thoughts are with you - such a tough call. Since both of you are still unsure, do you feel you should go for it?

Hello. I can relate to so much of what you post shatteredmum. We had a weekend away and for the first time in ages husband and I got some time together whilst children played elsewhere. We are moving areas too and I also dread having to go through the whole round of playgroups, mum and bub groups again. I sort of feel 'been there done that' and have been looking forward to the next phase where the children are a bit more independent and where we can do more with and without them. For us too when we move back to England family would look after our two oldest children but realistically couldn't also look after a baby.

I really feel for you.

For what it's worth, a counsellor told me that for most women they are never going to be 100% sure which way to go. She said to find a percentage you're comfortable with. One of her clients was comfortable with 51% versus 49% whereas I think I'd need more 80/20 or 70/30.

I can really relate to what you're going through with swirling emotions and feelings of what have we done. In amongst my own stuff, am thinking of you and wishing you strength.

mapleleafmay, also wishing you good luck on whichever path you choose.