please help. 5 wks pregnant-not planned. dp and i v v v confused...

[shatteredmumsrus]

to cut a long story shoer we have 2 boys aged 7 and 11. i have PCOS and have been on microgygon since second son was born. periods have been erratic lately and i started feeling symptons like with my 1st 2 pregnancies and so did a test which confirmed my fears. went to doctor that said it happens whilst on the pill! dp says it s unplanned we dont have to go thru with it which i agree with. there are many factors that suggest it is a bad idea for us. kids are settled and have their own room. when it is born our eldest will be starting secondary school, just moved house, moneys tight etc etc. but its soooo hard. it is our baby living inside me (only just granted -i know it is very early stages)Got an apt at BPAS today to go through abortion etc. both dp and i want to make the right decision for everybody. any advice. im 33 and he is 37. this is also a factor. he said by the time our youngest is 20 we are still young enough to enjoy it and do what we want to do. He said he would not have the same energy for this one...advice please

thanku soooo confused

awwww shattered please feel free to pm me if you want to.

Sorry there are so many of us in this position, but it helps to feel I am not alone.

I have decided that I will keep the baby. It does not mean I am positive about that decision more that I can't imagine coping with the alternative. I think the looking ahead idea is a good one. I hate being pregnant, but in one year that will be over. I am not keen on having another preschooler but in 5 years the will be over too.

I am very scared. Money will be tight. Can I cope with 4 children? I have just started a brilliant new job which I will most likely lose. I literally got pregnant 3 weeks to soon to get pay and mat leave etc!

Essentially I think that in 50 years time I am more likely to regret not going ahead than the alternative. Having said that I agree with spooks, thinking about miscarriage has kept me going. It would still be the best outcome and I hate myself for saying that.

Good luck to you all.

Also spooks can I ask does it get easier? Are you actually looking forward to having a baby now and how have your other children reacted?

You must let us know how you feel once the baby arrives> That will hopefully make me feel more positive!

good luck with telling your DP your decision, i think you are being really brave having made it. dont hate yourself waste of emotion, just your brain filtering through things.
you dont need to tell your employer anything yet do you so you should be fine there for a while.
4 kids, phaw they start looking after themselves after 3, my 11 year old cant wait to start playing parent to this one .
i know what you mean about it not feeling positive i do still find my self bewailing that this baby is going to ruin everything to my dp though less so as i go on, and in some ways it is. but hey its a baby its going to be all lovely and tiny and needy and all and i will love it and it will all seem worth it.
really massive amounts of luck and love and congrats xxx

x-posts.
yes i am looking forward to having the baby, once i accepted it was happing i was able to look at and remember the positive aspects of being a mum rather than dwell on the negative side of being a parent iyswim.
my kids and DP kids were happy enough they are kids though and mostly selfish it doesnt really effect them yet so they dont care to much. its a bit abstract for the youngest, my eldest came to my 20wk scan though and loved that.
silly things like looking at baby clothes and obviously the scans are a plus. i am having a girl so knowing that also gives me the chance to bond more with the thought of it all.
i to have generally horrendous pregnancy's so i really was dreading this but apart from the first 3 months it hasnt been to bad.
please do feel free to pm at any time.

i am pleased for those of you who have turned this into a positive and really good luck.i went to the BPAS yesterday and spoke to a nice lady about things. she asked if it would harm our relationship and asked if the practical hings dp was worried about were true etc. still didnt come out with a decision tho. i know its our decision and no one can make it for me. i had a scan but they couldnt see anything which means i am less than 5 wks probably. did a pregnancy test to confirm and it was positive(as i expected). I have to wait another week at least before i can have another scan. They cannot do any treatment til its visible on a scan to make sure its in the right place.dp sked me if i would move house again. moved in this one in May.No way do I wanna move and neither does he really.said we would go on holiday tomorrow, try and relax and think...practically i do not want another baby butemotionally ts different

another day in limbo. i feel like a clock is ticking against my ear and i cant concentrate. on the other hand finding out i am only 5 wks has eased the burden slightly. i dont feel i have to rush a decision. also i feel l am not such a bad person for considering abortion as its at very early stages and not yet a baby so to speak. does that make sense?

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Hi shattered, I have been following the thread and wanted to add my experience. I found myself in your position last year. We were taking precautions but I always thought that if I got pregnant we would be happy.

However that wasn't the case. I was devastated however we were settled happy, financially secure, no reason why we shouldn't other than the fact my husband was sure he didn't want another child (our ds was 7) and life was good, I mentally didn't think I could cope with another pg and baby as I,d really struggled with ds. However I wasn't sure. I went to the dr who was crap, basically told me I,d cope and that my ds would help me !!!! I independently had some counselling through Marie stopes which really helped me think about 'why' I wanted another child or felt that I should, also went through the 1/5/10 yr thing and generally I couldn't really come out with any positives of it. I therefore went ahead with the termination.

The gp had told me she thought I was 9 weeks when she felt my tummy. Scan at clinic showed me I was 5 weeks which I felt happier about. For me it was cells not a 'baby'.

Procedure itself was fine and I left clinic after about 1/2 hr ( against their advice)but I needed to get home to ds.

I have felt no regrets other than the general ones I have always had about not being better able to cope well with pg and baby stages ( why we just have the 1 ds) B ut I know I have made the right decision for myself, my dh AND my ds.

Hope this helps

Try not to listen to other people's views about abortion as it's very emotive. You and DP are the only ones whose opinions count. I do think it's important that you agree.

There are good reasons for not going ahead with the pregnancy. From the outside it sounds like another child would put quite a strain on the family in various ways. However, I think a decision like this is based on a gut feeling, as others have said.

Good luck with your decision - it's a tough one.

How are things shattered. I agree you have to make a decision on your own as everyone will have a different opinion. I almost envy those who can go through with termination and cope with it. I jay know I would not.

Are you nearer a decision jacky?

Thanks for your experience spooks. I hope all goes well for you. I have been finding the Holidays hard work which again brings it all home. I need to start being positive which means I need to actively seek out meeting women in my position I think ie slightly older and other children. I imagine the midwife may be able to help yout there. There is nothing as invaluable I think as talking things through with those in a similar position.

I met a lady today with 4 and I was asking her how it was. She was not very positive and asked me if I was considering a 4th. I sort of just tried to change the subject really.

how old are yours futility? holidays are always hard. i uttered the words more than once i must be mad to be doing this again. but we had all six together this week so it was a bit of a mad house. i honestly think that four cant be mush harder than 3 but i may be wrong

good luck whatever you decide to do.

i do think your dp should be going ot the counselling sessions withyou though, as its not fair to leave it all down to you.

hope your ok.

Thanku all. We have been on a wken break. Said we wud make a decision there but didn't. I actually said right I'm having a termination. It was dp who said no we will decide at home

its so hard isnt it. i am pleased for you he said we will decided, have been worried up till this point its been all you having problems and he has left you to it.

Decided to have a termination. We have such a happy home and things r just getting back to normal. Kids r older and we r getting our lives back. Been for a scan and I am 5 wks only. Can't have surgical ab til 7 wks as there is a risk it won't work. Still v upset but I just want it over so I can move on xx

woke up this morning very low and teary.dp rang at 8 as he always does to say hello and i broke down crying. im so emotional right now which doesnt help my decision making.rangin sick to work. feel better as the day goes on. last night lying there i felt my stomach was different. i no im beng silly as im only just over 5 weeks but i no somethings in there. i also felt sick this morning. my tummy felt hard and full like somethings going on in there. my minds playing tricks on me!dps coming home early to see me for an hour before i have to get ds from school. dont no what im asking you all just need to get it off my chest.............

Hello. Keep posting on here if it helps.
I don't really have any advice to add I'm afraid.

Will you be offered any counselling when you make your appointment?

I feel really sad for you, shattered - what a horrible position you're in. As everyone's said, only you and your dp know what your family situation is like, so only you can decide. I think that if you have the baby you'll adapt and it'll be fine, and if you abort it will probably stay with you, but you'll still find a way of moving on and coping. Human beings are very tough no matter how we may sometimes feel! I wish you lots of luck with whatever you end up doing.

Your tummy may well feel different shattered, you're not going crazy. By week 6 your uterus has doubled in size, filled with fluid, and blood supply has nearly doubled as a babies heartbeat begins around week 5. Can you get any counselling to talk through your decision? You may have made it but you don't seem at peace with it. I know in our area we have a charity who help women come to terms with miscarriages, abortion and unexpected pregnancies.

hey shattered,how are you feeling now? how is your dp reacting to your obvious distress?
you are not being crazy i felt different very quickly after the 5/6w mark so its not a mind playing tricks on you thing. you are likely to feel back to normal physically very quickly after the termination though, when is it? please take care of yourself and make sure your dp is to. a decision made can be unmade if you are not happy with it, i am not saying you should second guess yourself but you seem so unhappy,i was hoping that a decision one way or another would bring you some peace of mind but it seems to have made it harder for you.
hugs

Feel a bit better. Isn't it lovely how our kids can make us so happy. Just watched ds2 play footy so I've cheered up. Thx for msgs

Feel a bit better. Isn't it lovely how our kids can make us so happy. Just watched ds2 play footy so I've cheered up. Thx for msgs

OMG totally understand. I have two girls 6 and 2 just did the test 3 days ago....husband not happy to consider 3rd child at all. Wasn't expecting this.. but feel as each day goes by more and more pregnant and that it's part of me. Not sure how I can even call the clinic let alone go there, but very scared this could ruin our relationship.