August 08: World domination

[cyteen]

Thought the title might be appropriate for both mums and babies

That's a lot of problems to sort out all at once QoD First things first: is your MIL around, could you head over to hers and use her phone dump S and go for a walk?

Second things second: if your finances are that bad, you might do well to sit down with DP one night and have a practical conversation about what to do. I know money is tight but you still have basic needs that need to be met, like serviceable (maybe even nice) clothes and shoes - I remember the barney about the trainers - and the occasional bit of social life. Whatever your household income is, it needs to be distributed in a way that benefits everyone, and if there isn't enough to go around then you might need to make decisions about how to rebalance things.

Are you getting all the benefits you're entitled to? I realise the current govt have probably stripped some of that anyway, but worth looking into if not. Check www.entitledto.com or contact your local CAB office.

As for everything else, all I can offer you is sympathy. When life as the mum of a young one reduces you to tears, it's always advisable to get out of the house for a bit. Don't forget to bring S with you though!

THanks ladies,
cyteen don't know if MIL is in. Getting hold of her is near on impossible as she never bloody answers her phone. Not trekking up the hill just to find she's out.
DP is suggesting we get a joint account. Yes that would probably help, but we can't get it sorted until he has a day off work. In other words it'll get done when hell freezes over. Would just love a little bit of emotional support, but he has a 'why are you telling me this' attitude.
We get a pitiful amount of tax credits. DP gets this. I get the child benefit. whopping sum of £80/month. DOn't think we're entitled to anything else

Then you need joint finances. It's the only way it can work if you're not currently bringing anything in. That means he takes some time off work and you sort it out as a family.

I know you know this, and I realise he's not the listening kind, but you have no other choice than to make him understand. What do you think he would say if he came home to find you with your bag packed, saying 'bye darling, I'm leaving for a while because I can't cope with no support from you. Look after our son for a few days, eh?'

He needs to know that you are at breaking point, and that is something that only you can make happen, I'm afraid. Use whatever means are necessary, but make it so. At the moment you're not a family, you're just three people uncomfortably sharing a space, and that's really sad.

Queenie you need to sort this NOW as its not going to get any easier with a second baby about. Tell DP to stop being an arse and sit down and fecking sort it Have you applied for your matty benefit? I don't know a lot about it because I didn't apply in time but I think you get a small lump sum from it? Maybe Oops or Miamla could help with that?

Why do the Tax Credits get paid into his account and not yours? We get the bare minumum too but the Child benefit and tax credits go into my account. What is he spending his wage/tax credits on?

never mind the bowl. As sad as it is you can't keep things 'nice' in a house with kids, its gets trashed. Go to ASDA and get some plastic plates for 75p, mine love them as they get to choose their colour and they can't break them .

Are you struggling now your mum has gone? Would MIL be of help if she knew you were struggling so much? I know it all seems overwhelming at the minute but as long as Seb is fed and happy then sod the rest of it.

have a look here and see if they are in your area? It might be easier to work from home somehow. The trouble is that even recruitment agencies are struggling to place people at the moment

Is there anything in the house you can put on ebay or do a car boot sale? Everything in our house has poundsigns on it at the moment in my eyes because I'm trying to pay off the debt

What about a cash in hand cleaning job/babysitting etc? Always worth shoving an advert in the post office.

dizz am considering cleaning. Also considering selling my piano, although it wouldn't bring in enough to clear the overdraft and I'd be gutted to see it go.
DP's wage goes on his travel, all the bills, council tax, rent, food etc. I suppose he probably has a little left over, but I don't see that so I don't know. I won't get Maternity Allowance as I haven't been working, so that's out.

is there a hardship fund or something then? Surely if you are not working it is to allow DP to work instead and therefore you should see some of his wages

A good cleaner, cash in hand is worth weight in gold and as rare as hen's teeth. Shove a card up in local post office and see how you get on.

Really stupid question re the cleaning thing - do cleaners usually bring their own cleaning stuff, or just use what's in the house?

QoD sorry to hear things are so blue atm . I agree with everyone else, especially cyteen about 3 people 'uncomfortably sharing a space'.

So, practially, what can you do? Sorry if repeating others here and being blunt but you (and DP) HAVE to do something:

1. Lay your cards on the table:
   Make a to do list with all the urgent phonecalls you need to make. Include in that speaking to the bank and agreeing a repayment schedule which is reasonable.
   Speak to DP about where you are at with the bank and your thoughts on resolving it

2. Know where the household money is going:
   Get DP to hand over bank statements for the last 6 months and schedule out ALL income and expenditure on a monthly basis to identify 'leakage'. You cannot just say 'i don't see it'. Use this spreadsheet to budget EVERYTHING going forward. I have one if you want but i think there is a MN which is more fancy schmancy you could try and get hold of.
   Open a joint account and have ALL monies paid in here. You and DP get a set amount of 'pocket money' per week

3. Make some more cash:
   Earn through evening ironing/babysitting/cleaning or daytime stuff if MIL can babysit. Cleaners/ironing people here get £8-10 ph and are very much in demand. Note in local PO as dizz said
   Check Entitled To to check benefits as £80 sounds low. Ask CAB for advice on hardship funds or any other potential sources of income
   Any chance of giving piano lessons?
   Sell stuff on ebay. We just sold a raggedy old mattress for £10. Not much but all helps

4)Save money
Try and find a local car boot sale and use this for books/toys/cheap fruit & veg
Use MoneySavingExpert for loads of tips

5. Have some time for yourself:
   Check local surestart centres who often will provide someone to come and help out for a few hours a week or ask MIL for set times to look after S
   Ask MIL how is best to get hold of her if you are struggling - email/phone/text etc

6. Clothes wise - what size are you and what do you need? I have some matty stuff here you are welcome to. Also does S need anything as i have some boys stuff from my ssister?

If you want to talk it through, please send me a note on FB with your number. But please, please don't bury your head in the sand as this won't go away . Good luck and i really wish you all the best and sorry if any of the above is 'suck eggs' stuff {{{{hugs}}}

Qod my cleaners used all my stuff, although one brought an enamel cream and another her own cloths

THanks for advice crisp.
DP is talking about setting up a joint account. He says I should get cb paid into there but he would still have his money paid into separate acocunt, then put money for paying household expenses into joint account.
THink he gets lunch out every day. So he talks about having macdonalds (yuk) kfc etc. I never EVER have lunch out, certainly not takeaway. It doesn't seem fair in a way, but I don't feel comfortable demanding equal access to his cash as he's the one earning it iyswim?

No. All money goes into joint account and you get spending money each. You are both contributing to bring up your family equally so you get equal dibs on any money 'left over' after essentials are paid. You can say you would like to find bar work or do cleaning ironing to try and help contribute, but the division stays the same. He is not a single lad working in town. He is a husband and father and this is what he needs to concentrate on.
My only caveat would be if you are not great with money (as my DH isn't), so I do siphon off money to make sure we are all well catered for before he goes off 'spending' . If you have had money issues in the past (not that i have any reason to think you have!) then i guess i could see his point of view of keeping monies separate

Echo everything vg and crisp have said qod. No more good advice but again if you would like me to look over your cv to figure out why you are not getting any joy from the temp agency please please let me know xx

qod it doesn't seem fair (about the lunches) because it isn't fair. He couldn't earn that money if it wasn't for you bringing up his child.

Crispy is right about many things, but especially this: in order to sort this out, you are going to have to assert yourself. Not just with him, with the bank, MIL, everyone. I know it's a scary prospect but it will be so incredibly worth it. And I say that as someone who has spent almost all of her adult life in debt, until quite recently in fact - the feeling of realising you're no longer terminally skint all the time is fantastic.

You can do this. If you can raise a child with love (and contemplate another), you can do anything

with one hand He gives - I have a big order for Fri from here and from the other hand He taketh away - Dad's ECG shows he has had a minor heart attack at some point and he has to go in for more tests on Mon FFS!!!!

Queenie I'll be the first to admit my DH does the lunch out at work every day. Refuses to take a lunch. Drives me mad really. We could save a fortune but that's another chapter.

I do find it strange from one view that he wants a joint account and his own private account. From another view, I've basically got the same luxury BUT I manage all the money, bills, household services, and HE would rather eat tires than balance a checkbook....so it works out. We have a JOINT account for most bills and spending. I have to monitor this daily (weekly) to keep tabs on his spending thus keeping it in the black and NOT overdrawn. I also have a second JOINT account that I slice off a portion of his pay each pay period to fill. This account draws interest so I prefer to hold money there for as long as possible. From this account I pay our mortgage and our car note. All the remain cash build to do special things (aka beach trips) or remodeling or the kids activities (aka the pool membership/tennis lessons/private preschool). On occasion I have to pull from my interest bearing account to pay my regular account. But the joy is I can do it or HE could do it because BOTH are joint accounts.

As for childcare, am I silly to think Queenie would have to apply to do this and then be subject to reviews. Where's LittleNut? She'd have those answers.

The ironing is AN INCREDIBLE thing. Years ago I remember an friend's dad use to drop his dress shirts at a lady's house then pick them up the next day. He paid her per shirt. They always looks so nice and fresh. I'd pay you to do that for my DH right now if you were close. I HATE drycleaners.

Sazzles brought up a great question. What size are you? And would you be willing to share your address (privately of course) as I have some children's dishes I'd be more than willing to send over. And anything else, really.

By chance could you do transcription? My bff is connected with an agency that sends her over voice recordings of doctor notes and she transcribes them and emails to the proper locations. She works entirely from home with two kids under foot (5 and 4).

I will also agree with whomever noted a call to the bank to attempt a payment schedule discussion. I use to do a little collecting in the past. They are willing if you are willing to find a solution EVEN IF they sound like complete asses in the beginning. They don't like their job any more than you do.

I love this group!! Such smart, amazing women!!!

Dizzy (((hug)))

dizz for poor papaDixie, although i guess as he is none the wiser it was fairly mild and hopefully they can give him medication to stabilise

Rant alert: I shall be swearing.......... Fucking bloody cars and fucking car salesmen. I have now found out that the car i bought, as well as having no mats, only one key (car says there are 2 ) and a nick in one of the tyres, i now find out has no Isofix which they told me it had. I know i should have checked but FGS I didn't expect them to lie . I am going to start a thread in Legal and check out my rights. Why is nothing ever bloody simple???

Made me google! I thought all new model cars came with latches (isofix)? Do you have a 30 day love it or return it clause? If we don't like a vehicle purchase over here we are allowed to return it NO QUESTIONS during a set time frame.

Oh crispy what a nightmare hugs however if anyone can sort it you can

hugs to you to dizzy but also yeahhh for your big order...

Great advice too ts!

Should be packing/sorting for hols tom but have done nothing as yet guessing another late for me!

Unfortunately it is a second hand car TS. The year of mine (2007) was the year they introduced it as standard on all Volvo's, so some had it and some not. I have put a thread in Legal now, so hopefully will have the power of MN behind me

Thanks LOTI. I am just so tired of sorting stuff . Job, car, insurances, mortgage, childcare, furniture purchases, banking........Just neverending.......

You always have the power of MN behind you. "may the force with you."

Lucky are you procrastinating?