June 2008: New Year, new thread, new names, new words, new goals, but no resolutions!

[abdnhikinginawinterwonderland]

New thread since the last one's at 997 posts...

Amber I think the others have given you sound advice. In the next few weeks I think you need to focus on completing this course of treatment, and then if it doesn't work out this cycle, consider where you want to go next. I would only ask whether Mark's Dad has spoken to Mark privately about his concerns ason'spareMark parenting. It sounds rather unfair of him to be telling you that "you" are mad to want more children. FILs approach to you may not be ideal, but I suspect he is only trying to shield you from his son's shortcomings. I guess that is a good thing that FIL is clearly concerned for your well being. I'd try to put all this to one side for the time being (easier said than done).

AH good news about the scan.

Sybil your earlier post made me laugh about your DH not thanking you for completing each day.

Deb Tristan sounds like a star. What a lovely generous brother Stephan is too.

Visited my friend who has split with her OH. She is icy calm but very angry. Various minor acts of sabotage on her OHs possessions: toothbrush wiped round the toilet basin, "lost" one half of his train ticket for the weekend. Probably not so unreasonable given the things she is finding out: e.g she has worked out that she
will end up paying for the other womans valentines present because of the credit card he paid for it on. Despite the collected exterior, she can't eat, sleep and is getting panicy when she went to asda earlier on. Anyway, thanks for your nice messages about it all. I have made a mental note to compliment DH more as per Neenz's advice.

Amber there was a bit of a typo in the previous post. Hope you still get the gist. On the iPhone, and sometimes it goes a bit wrong.

A was up four times last night

Amber,I am at Mark's dad - he's not backward in coming forwards is he?! I would echo would spider said, does Mark know what his dad thinks about him?

As for having another one - having two shocking sleepers myself I would say that if dh wasn't helping me alot I would be in an even worse state than I am now. So the nanny/night nurse/nursery are going to be very important. Having said that plenty of people manage on their own without so maybe I'm just a wimp.

I know a number of couples with only one child and I would also second what others have said about it not having as big an impact on your life as No 2 - but that's something to consider after this cycle.

AH, great to hear about your test results.

Sponge . You must be so knackered.

Sybil I laughed at your DH and your response. It's exactly the sort of thing that happens here, too.

Sorry, I'm reading but not posting. Just wanted to say that Ry appears to have less spots now, but thank you so much for your advice.

Also wanted to reply to Amber - I'm really sorry the injections are horrid. Are you on any of the TTC threads? Perhaps it might help to chat to others going thru the same thing?

Right, I'm going to be REALLY blunt here and say that the first time I met Mark (at I's christening I think), I was actually a bit shocked at just how hands off he was! However I would really say that on the odd occasions I've seen him since, he is more relaxed and loving with Luke each time I see them together. Esp the last time. Perhaps he just isn't a baby person, lots of men aren't. (DH was completely ambivalent about a gorgeous 6 week old I was holding at the weekend and he spent a year as a SAHD!).

I don't think you should let your FIL overule your gut feelings on this one. You know what Mark is like as a Father much more than he does. I also agree with Spider, perhaps your FIL should raise this with his son rather than you. What's your gut telling you Amber? Cos you can get all the extra childcare help in the world, but if it bothers you that Mark isn't doing much, no outside help will be enough.

Waves to everyone else - where's Tedi gone?

Amber I would go with your own feelings and not listen to Marks dad. You are very lucky that you can afford childcare for Luke so you do get time for yourself.
My DP is out of the house 8 until 8 five days a week, I feel that during the week I am a single mum - I do all of the childcare, after school clubs, cooking, housework (and taking DD1 to her various castings/jobs) without dp's help - though I do sometimes have to ask my mum to come over when dd1 has a job. It's hard work but I knew it was the situation I would be in having children as dp has no choice but to work his long hours and I have a pretty good lifestyle.

Neenz Very pleased to hear all went well with the scan!

going, what happened to your long name? Or did you change it weeks ago and I haven't noticed?!!

I changed it as it was soooo long, cdidn't have the imagination to think of a decent new one!

I've just gone back to my short one too - snow's gone here (overnight, very odd) so there's no more winter wonderland and instead just a sea of grit everywhere...

sponge and that's crap that A was up four times. Ds1 is getting up at the moment and my patience with him is so non-existant!

Sponge, that really sucks. Hopefully you can grab some extra sleep/naps at the weekend.

My cold seems to be FINALLY on the way out. I woke up feeling much better today. Which is just as well as my mil is coming to stay this weeekend. I may be awol therefore, hope you all have a good weekend.

Hi everyone,

Not been posting too much this week but wanted to mark my spot.

Can't remember who asked, but I'm coming to London the last weekend in Feb. A meet up would be lovely but we're coming down on Sat and heading home on Monday so don't think I'll be able to squeeze it in

Amber I'm sorry that things aren't great at the moment with one thing and another. You've been given some good advice though so hopefully plenty of food for thought. On the subject of Mark bonding with L - have you spoken to him about your concerns about it? I think if these kind of things go unsaid they can fester and become a source of real resentment. Does Mark ever spend any 1-to-1 time with L? I wonder if it's worth looking into some kind of activity that they could do, just boys together IYSWIM. Maybe something manly like soccertots or something like that? (Or rugby if that's more his thing).

On the subject of Luke's adenoids, I'd be pretty tempted to sit in my GPs office and refuse to budge until I got an appropriate referral. The 'mummy, help me' thing really tugged at my heartstrings so I can only imagine how heartbreaking it was for you. If that didn't work I'd think about changing GP if that was a possibility. If there was nothing forthcoming via the GP, I'd also second the suggestion of a private appt. Does M have BUPA cover or something similar at work?

Must get back to work, so sorry not to get involved in any other chat. Although Rolf I feel your pain re the dentist. I'm in the middle of a course of treatment at the dentists and it's very traumatic for me!

Glad you're feeling better Sybil !

Hi All,

Thanks for all the great advice. FIL has tried to talk to Mark but he just says he doesn't want to talk about it. I think he is trying to be helpful but going about it the wrong way. Hey ho - I'm over it now. Going your situation is the same as mine with the DP job and you cope fine. Luke will go to nursery and I could if needed get a night nanny like last time. I am going for it. I can't change my mind later down the road can i as I am infertile enough as it is. This is pretty much my last chance and I'm not going to screw it up. Thanks all.

Re adenoids - Mark has put Luke on his healthcare but they will only do stuff with a GP referral. I am going to leave it till he is two and see how it goes through the summer (hopefully) cold free months.

Sponge - 4 times - eek. I have been up 4 times a night for three nights this week with Luke and it's hideous so I feel your pain! Hope you get more sleep tonight hun.

In haste and self-centred

Do we have a plan for next Friday 12 evening? Could we perhaps meet somewhere round Waterloo?

Just found out that my Royal Air Force client died this morning. Am very shocked - he and I have worked together for 8 years. He's in his 60s and had problems with his heart but doesn't seem real.

waterloo sounds good - I just checked it on google maps and it's close to where I'm staying. I seriously have no clue where everything is in London.... Who else can make it? Is it just you, myself, and hopefully Amber?

And it is always shocking when someone dies - my PhD supervisor died suddenly after I'd already graduated and moved away and I honestly have trouble processing it and catch myself thinking about sending an email on a regular basis.

Amber I like your plan

Amber, I think when you have the urge to have another baby as you do it's an itch you just have to scratch! Having two children is hard work, it's very physical and as you know if they don't sleep well it can be absolutely exhausting. But it is not impossible and the really tiring stage is not forever. When they are at school it will be much easier, especially if you don't have to work. It is nice when they play together, and your next might be a beautiful sleeper! I'm sure Mark's dad means well but it is not really his place and I am sure the hormones are really playing with your emotions. I agree with Debs, if you can still use the nursery to some extent after this baby is born (for one or both of them) then go for it, it will be hard for a time but very rewarding. I don't think anyone ever regrets having another child.

Debs, well done Tristan!

UDC, sorry about your client .

Sponge, sorry about A's sleep - do you think it is some sort of reaction to M being around? What do you do when he wakes? If it were me (cruel ) I would go cold turkey on him ie when he wakes, go in, say 'time for sleep' stroke on head etc and leave the room. Go back in 10 mins later. etc etc. Do you fear he'll wake M? My two never woke each other when they were in separate rooms (and don't even now when they are in the same room). They just get used to the sound of the crying, like the phone ringing or doorbell going. Hope it gets better soon whatever you do.

Finally got chance to catch up, well until H wakes up that is! I've sort of kept up with you all by reading the thread from my phone but as I found out on Monday I can't post from there.

Amber - glad you have decided to go ahead, do you think some of the doubts were caused by getting to a tough stage of the IVF? Do you have anyone to give you some support with the IVF?
I'm also massively impressed by Luke's vocab. J is still not talking much.
He does seem to be developing his own version of sign language, a year of Tiny Talk and he doesn't do any of their signs but has a number of complicated signs he has developed himself for useful things like car and vacuum .

Neenz - I was really glad to hear the scan went well, a little disappointed it wasn't twins

Thanks for all the congratulations, we are getting on fine so far. Bit of a rubbish night on Thursday when Henry just wanted to feed all night, didn't get to sleep until 5.30, but I think it was because my milk was coming in, my boobs have now gone massive and he slept a lot better last night.
J loves him and wants to be touching him all the time, he puts his face right up to his and H tries to latch on to it! Gets a little rough and overexcited though so they need very close supervision.
DH went to work yesterday afternoon but that was fine as J slept most of the time he was out (it's hard work caring for a baby brother) and me and Henry had naps too. He is probably going in for a full day on Monday which I am not massively looking forward to. It's the logistics of sorting them both out and not leaving them together in the same room which is tricky, but I guess I will figure it out.

I'm still feeling battered. Stitches are still fairly painful. That was the worst bit for me this time. First of all the midwife had to get second and third opinions on how to piece the shreds all back together. Then she was really stingy with the local anaesthetic and when I complained just told me to take gas and air, which doesn't seem to do much for me, I don't think I breathe it in right. Eventually she had to get a consultant who did give me some more local anaesthetic but then decided she was going to have a rummage around in my uterus, again with just some useless gas and air. All a bit of a trauma really!

Hi quick post to mark spot- got bad cold so bit wiped out. Ah may explain my erratic last post . Too poorly to go to rugby but that's quite nice as dh gone with dsd and e so that's nice for them.

Ktpie have you tried some tea tree oil
in bath- that really helped me with stitches. Also know it's daunting re dh going back to work but will he be able to sneak odd day or afternoon off so you don't go cold turkey alone?

Amber- am also for throwing luke style tantrum at gp for referral. I had to give up and get dh to beg private doctor he knows to refer me for my lump(still no name deb - suggestions welcome ). gps are surprisngly crap IMHO at referring and I am willing to bet if specialist did see luke you would get different answer. Sending hugs and vibes that injections not too bad and are doing the right thing. Also agree that only you know what mark like and relationship is- fil should talk to mark. Rolf also makes a good point that all dads different and mark may well feel more confident with a second.

Sponge- I have heard/read new babies can throw sleep routineS plus it's an age Thing too as e throwing tantrums re naps and bedtime. We are doing what neenz suggests too. Ie leaving her and going in after certain time to settle her then leavig again.
Am gutted to miss meet up on 12th. Some good spots round Waterloo- an excellent dim sum place called ping pong.

Oh and after despairing at awfulness of some of the nanny applicAnts have seen two fab ladies and had nice but hard problem of picking between them. So I wimped out and let dh have final call as he is less
emotional plus has loads of expeience on recruitment(and good track record as choose our current nanny who I will still be so sorry to see go although new ones good),

Poppy, sorry you don't feel so good. Great news about the nanny though, that must be a relief. I am sure your DH has chosen the right one!

ktpie, great to hear from you, sounds like you are doing great. Do you have a playpen you can put H in to keep him out of J's path? I second tea tree oil in the bath - sounds very traumatic your stitches, poor you.

My sister had her little boy last week and she also has a DD who's nearly 3. To prepare her for when the new baby came, my sis kept telling her she can touch the baby but not the baby's head. So when my mum took the 3yo to see sis and new baby in hospital all she kept saying was 'grandma, don't touch the baby's head... grandma, don't touch the baby's head!'

Amber does the GP know you have private medical insurance - I have always found they are much quicker to refer you if you are going private. You should demand to be referred - you're bloody paying for it so what's it to him?

Poppy we are having some major meltdowns at naps and bedtime too. E wants to have her shoes and they both want to have books, which I don't mind but they want the flap ones like dear zoo and they just get wrecked when they have them in bed, so I don't let them have them. They scream their heads off for about 5 mins every time but I just leave the room and ignore them and they stop eventually.

Ktpie, poor you with stitches and rummaging.I think MWs forget there's a person on the end of your uterus sometimes ...

Poppy, glad you have found a nanny.

Amber, I hope you do get a referral. And looking forward to seeing you next Friday.

There are all sorts of restaurants round Waterloo. Aberdeen, Amber, what do you feel like? Or Abdn, is there something that you don't get round you?

Neenz, we are pretty tough on him - sometimes we don't go in at all . Other times just a quick in and out with a reassuring pat. We're not sure about whether M is waking A up but interesting to hear that the twins dont wake each other now they're in the same room cos the boys will share a room as soon as M grows out of his moses basket (which could be a year or so !), so its good to know that they hopefully won't wake each other!

Hi ktpie - sorry to hear your stitches were so painful, I would second what poppy said, tea tree oil and lavendar in the bath was a godsend.

As for logistics - I keep M's bouncy chair nearby and if need to go out of the room, M comes with me in the chair. Or, when he was smaller M spent most of the time attached to me in AH's sling!

poppy, hope you got to watch the rugby! And great news on the nanny!

ktpie sorry about your stitches. Have you tried hypercal? I was recommended it when T was born. You put a few drops in some warm water and swish a flannel in it, and (tmi alert) hold it over "yourself" when you pee (at first, if peeing still stings). Then later just use it regularly. It really helps with healing. I think my mw recommended it.