May 2009: Brides and bibs

[EtherealFiByTheSea]

Here we go...

Pula I thought you did but then I'm not a cs. I can't imagine a cs wouldn't.

emmabemma I've been thinking about you lots, but don't think we're facebook friends so haven't had any updates. It sounds like you're being very generous with dh. Take care of yourself too.

BC I haven't bf ds since January, not that long ago in the whole scheme of things, but also literally a whole lifetime ago. DS is coming up for 4 days free of vomit. A long time, but last time he was 60 hours free, and previously 48 hours. Dd2 however was sick in the early hours. I've done a little expressing, but if my bm supply does go down a bit, it will soon go back up again when she's well. BM is magic anyway, and for all we know, it's getting supercharged with antibodies and nutrients in an extra digestible formula.

Jennster- I've started googling this, and it seems to be a bit ambiguous as there is no definitive answer- it depends on the wording of your contract. I think i will contact my HR team and see what i am entitled to and also whether i can get any more credits for my last 2 periods of ML as i certainly didn't claim any BH credits .

Emmabemmasmom- sorry to hear about your DH being so confused about what he wants. Is it worth him seeing his GP just to see if he might be depressed or having some kind of breakdown? Otherwise, I think you need to put yourself first and do what will make things better for you in the short and long run.

I like TheDandy

TheDandyHighwayMum

Stand, and deliver (or squat or in water)

Hi all.
before I go on, just quickly to emmab'smom, good to hear from you and so sorry about the circumstances. Following from what dandy, Jenn, and others have said, you need to think about YOU and you're well being as that is what is going to be best for the children. they need a happy healthy mum.

as another with family in the US, I would strongly think about returning there to your friends, family, even job mainly as it would provide a bit of emotional stability and you would have more RL people to lean upon.

it must be so hard to be going through this with young children, away from your family, etc. sending you big hugs as well.

jenn, hope tummies are better!

fi, hope you're feeling better as well.
belgian, great news about delaying returning to work. I don't want to go back. period. still thinking about all my options.

hope everyone had a good halloween. will post pic of my ladybirds (and one baby skeleton!) soon.

gotta ring my sis now to solve a bit of homesickness. (a lot of us in the same boat, eh?).
will change my name back soon.

I am a little all over the place so I don't know who said what, but thank you everyone...

He did go to see the GP but mostly I think cause I told him he should go. GP said that he could not say for sure so gave him numbers for therapy and if they decided that he had depression or whatnot then to come back, or if things got worse...he never called the numbers.

Also, about pnd and affairs, I can see that point totally. I think for him it was something different with no ties and no responsibility. It was his was of leaving the house and being able to forget for a few hours that he had a wife, kids, bills ect...she put no pressure on him and was readily available (the whore...she knew we were married and had kids and I know her)But I do see that point...

I didn't realize I came off as taking it easy on him. I really didn't think I was, but maybe it is easier to say to myself that he has issues rather than saying he does not love me. For right now I am in denial and slowly moving toward anger.

I have considered not moving back so he can see the kids more. However, why should I stay here, where I know nobody, have no family or support just so it is easy on him?? If I moved back I would be able to have my old great job back and give the girls the life they deserve and I cannot do that here. Even with my 2 degrees I cannot get a decent job. I am working in Boots at the moment just cause it was all I could get.

He does see the kids. He sees them M, W, F 2:30-6:30 and every other Sat night so I can go out. He wants to stick to that and is not flexable at all. So he has made it easy on himself. He gets to have all his nights to go and do what he wants...come and do his 'im a dad' responsibilities and then leave. I am starting to think he is having his cake and eating it too. He is playing house when he wants to and being single when he doesn't. So yeah, I want to move. And I know that he does love his kids but I honestly cannot see him being dedicated to saving to come and see them. If he was dedicated at all then he would be working on himself and on us, so I don't see it happening. I would hate to take the kids away but why should I not do what is best for me and them just to suit him?

Just read that back and it sounded angry...

Wanted to say sorry to anyone. Just got off phone with my dad and after the tears I became very mad...then I replied and I couldn't shake the anger so I am sorry if any of that came off rude

emma
You did sound angry, but that's ok
Anger can be good - it motivates you.

A GP, rather than a therapist (and definitely not a counsellor), should make a diagnosis of depression, as it's a health matter. A pyschiatrist can of course diagnose depression, and is referred to when a mental health diagnosis is needed. Only a pyschiatrist can diagnosis personality disorders or other disorders, for example. Giving numbers for therapy is not the same as a referral, so if the GP couldn't say for sure he had depression and didn't actually refer him for treatment, then either the GP wasn't doing his/her job properly or he/she doesn't think your DH has clinical depression. Doesn't mean he couldn't do with help working out some stuff though, and it does sound like he could do with some therapy.

Only you can decide what is best for you and your children long-term, but it is you and their needs that need to come first. Your DH isn't invested in that at the moment. The fact that he has encouraged you to go makes me very sad for you and your kids. IMO he should be fighting for his kids to stay here so he can see them as much as possible.

emma You've got a right to feel angry. You didn't sound rude at all. Your life is turned upside down and with that you'll feel all sorts of emotions that come with the grieving process that comes along with it. Anger, sadness, confusion, denial, disbelief are all part of it. You don't need to apologise to us at all. I agree with the moving home. You need to think of yourself and where you'll be able to give your dcs the best care and opportunities in life.

jenn Whoops, sorry. I get mixed up with my own dcs so let alone other peoples. I meant off course your dd, but obviously I'm happy to hear that your ds has been vomit free for a considerable length of time now.

I like dandyess

x-post with dandy. She said it much more elloquently again as usual

Not rude Emmabemma don't worry.

Emmabemma - I had no idea you were going through this. I'm so sorry. Belgian, Dandy and others have said it all really. You need to think about what is best for you and DC.

I like "DandyHighwayMum"

Sounds like lots of great Halloween celebrations happening. We didn't really do anything except sweets for the trick or treaters that came to the door.

Took O swimming for the first time yesterday. He wasn't ovey keen but coped better with the splashing than I did Glad my cousin was with us.
He then had his longest ever sleep last night from 8.20pm to 1am. My problem is that if I then sit up and feed him, I feel like I'm going to drop off to sleep which I think is dangerous so I end up bringing him into bed. Must try and find a solution! Maybe MNing on my phone in the early hours to keep me awake!

ses I think that as long as O starts the night off in his own cot, then it'll sort itself out in the end. I think as lo starts sleeping longer stretches, you get more and more time on your own in bed. Also it allows you to have couple time with DH in the evening and cuddly time with baby in the morning. That's how it's worked with all of ours so far anyway. We never had to tell them to stop coming, it just sort of fizzled out over the years.

Thanks Belgian - that's reassuring. I think I just feel bad as I won't let DH sleep in the bed when I have O in the bed. I'm not happy about the risk, especially with DH beign 18st+
I may suggest to DH that we start off in our bed and then he moves when O comes into bed or the other option would be to put O in his own room and, as we have a single bed in there too, I can move into the single bed with O when necessary. May get a bed guardrail if we do the latter option though.

This is for jennster

Thanks to belgian and ses also for name choices.

I don't think this will be my permanent name, but it suits me today.

belgian I dont' think you have anything to feel bad about re not 'doing' Halloween with your kids. It's an American holiday really, and doesn't signify anything important. If your kids aren't bothered about dressing up and trick or treating then good on them.

We did do Halloween though, because DD was very excited and we got invited by friends to do things. To my shame, I dressed DS up. Never put DD in costumes as a baby, but she wanted DS to dress up to so I submitted. He did make a very cute pumpkin. Photos on facebook. We went to our local park which was having a small fair to celebrate it's new nature trail. I do love autumnal park walks. We then went to a Halloween Family Day at Tate Britain with three other families. DD made lots of spooky things, including the cape (with orange chain) she's wearing in the FB photo. We then went to a friend's house for a spooky tea and out Trick or Treating. DD now has a stash of sweets which will last her at least a month.

Just a quick one - Pula I had an email from my HR dept before I left work to say that they have recently changed the rules so that you do accrue BH/privilege days while on maternity leave (hope I still have that somewhere!). I was a bit and mentioned it to BIL &SIL (both HR professionals) who told me that it isn't actually the law, it's one of those cases that has never been tested in court, but many employers veer on the side of caution and honour the holidays. Might be worth checking with your HR? You'd think these things would be civil service wide but it seems different depts have different policies.

emmabemma so to hear your news. Will have a proper read later and comment later, but for now sending you un-MNy

re: halloween My ds did make me smile, because we'd gone out and yesterday morning had been a drizzly one. Anyway we drove home around dusk and everywhere there was mist rising up from the fields. It looked really eery, because it was just hanging close to the ground. DS thought the fog was there because it was Halloween.

We did stack up on sweets as ds was worried about any trick or treaters that might come around, but no one came. So now I've got 2 bags of the natural sweet company sour snakes. They're my favourite sweets in the world. I'm going to have to try hard not to touch them!

belgian, we, too, are laden with extra sweets since we only had 2 children stop.

my dd's had a good time even though we didn't take them out door to door. I admit it's a weird pagan holiday that's turned very american so the original purpose is forgotten. but, i have fond memories or dressing up as a little girl and going out with groups of friends to 'beg' for sweeties.

i didn't get great photos of the girls but will put up one or 2 on fb. poor dd2 wasn't happy in her big, furry ladybird outfit. i think she was a bit hot in it and when we asked her if she wasn't happy and wanted to change, I'd never seen a 2yr old rush to her room so quickly! bless.

Good eve all.

Back from the in laws. Will do a full debrief in due course.

emmab so sorry to hear your news. I don't think we are FB friends either so I heard on here. What an awful thing for you to be going through. As others have said, you just need to do what is right for you and your children and if that means going home, thats what it means. YOur H will have to deal with the consequences of his actions whatever that brings, and only you can decide what to do. Chin up, girl.

Hope everyone who has been under the weather is on the mend now too.

back in a bit.

I just want my husband back

Why do I have to pick up everything and start over as a single mom so he can just be mr free? It is not fair...

I hate the nights when the kids are in bed...I just sit and cry and feel sorry for myself. I have to put a brave face on all day for them...

I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this and I don't know what to do.

Oh, emmebemmasmom, I really do understand why you want to head home. I think it is instinctive in moments of crisis. I certainly felt the same when DH and I went through our rocky patches. You need to work out what is right for you and your girls. I agree that children need their fathers but I don't think that necessarily means that you must resign yourself to living here permanently.

Obviously none of us can say anything that will change what has happened but I do hope that it helps to talk things through.