I know but it's the same stuff that always comes up. He keeps saying to me 'you always moan about looking after Dylan so why don't you go get a job then?'. I do moan somtimes, he hardy eats a scrap and it's a constant source of stress for me, I thought it was ok to confide in my dh about that but no, i'm just 'moaning'. He thinks because we decided I should be a sahm and look after Dylan that I should do it happily and with a constant smile on my face. It's not possible, there are difficult days just like he has at work and I don't tell him not to moan about them or to go get a different job .
He said lately I just have a 'miserable face' when he comes in for lunch and I hardly seem to want to kiss him. I have explained about a hundred times I look fed up because i've had terrible ms and am exhausted, not because i'm just being horrible. I always say to him 'oh i'm just feeling sick' when he asks. I also have explained that I don't feel very 'kissy' when i'm trying not to vomit.
He said I hardly do any housework and am not interested in 'maintaining the house'. I explained again that I have been barely making it through the day and looking after Dylan lately and haven't had the energy or have felt too sick. That's not to say I have done nothing at all, I still make his dinner most days unless i've felt really bad. I have done tudying/hoovering/washing up and the basics. When I exaplined to him I (again) it is because i'm actually pregnant and feeling awful he just said I never did much before either . I am not a domestic godess, I am not one of those who has to have everything spotless but I am certainly not a slob and do as much as is needed to keep things clean and reasonably tidy. I believe in sharing the housework. He has had to do a little more than usual lately due to how i've been feeling and he resents every little bit of it. If it were the other way round I would do everyhing in my power to make him feel comfortable and looked after.
He says I don't care about money at all (he constantly wories about money, so do I but I don't let it take over my life, I just watch what I spend and accept I can't do much more atm). he said one thing that shows this is the fact I never check my till reciept when we've been to the supermarket. He always stands to the side near the tills and checks right through the reciept for mistakes (so does mil). I don't know anyone else that does this and have never done it myself. incidentally there has never been an mistake. I just don't do that, doesnt mean i'm careless or I don't care, i'm just in a rush and figure that as everything has a bar code it's very unlikely there will be a mistake. I can see why he checks it but I don't think it makes me irrisponsible that I don't. I do care about money a lot, I sell things on ebay to try and make extra, he thinks it's a watse of time... I am setting up my own business to make extra. I watch what I spend. I even went round all 3 supermarkets here with our shopping list a while ago and compared the price of everythin we buy at all 3 so I could get our weekly shop cheaper. What more can I do?
He said it's taking me too long to set up my ironing business. It's not my fault though. I've done everything the business advisor asked but there have been contant delays whilst I wait to hear about funding. It's them I'm waiting for, not me!
He said about my ms that he nearly always tells me to go and ave a lie down if I feel bad when he gets home. I said yes he does but tbh I feel like he resents me for having the lie down if I do and always am made to feel guilty about it afterwards. He said he does resent it as I don't appreciate all he does and never say so. This is absolutely not true!!! I have lost count of how many times I have said 'thanks for letting me lie down/empting the dishwasher/bathing Dylan etc I really appreciate it, i'm sorry I feel so i'll and can't help out more etc etc'
I tell him all the time how much he means to me, how much I appreciate him, I leave messages for him on the fridge telling him I love him, I send him texts saying so, I actually feel like I have to keep thanking him a lot or he'd be more grumpy than he can be already.
I said to him I would never resent him for having a lie down if he felt ill, I would just be glad he felt better after and that could be of help. I told hom I feel that he doesn't appreciate just how bad I feel at times and it seems like me being pg is just a big inconvienience to him.
He then randomly brought up that over half our debt is mine?! We both had debt from being students when we got together, we accumulated a bit more through carelessness in teh begining so we decided to take a consolidation loan to cover it and take control of our finances. I didn't force him to take the loan, it was a joint decision. I didn't accumulate my part of the debt with him in mind, we weren't even together then, how was I to know? I just feel he said this to make me feel guilty tbh. It was another way to 'prove' I don't care about money. I was bad with money when I was at uni, I wasn't with him then and I was young and silly, that was 6 years ago though, why doesn he keep throwing it back at me? I am careful with money now
Oh and he said I 'nag' at him I don't do this, I am oen with my oppinions on things that affect both of us but I certainly don't nag about it. Why is is when a woman has an oppinion it's nagging but when a man does he's just making a point? I hate that word...
He also sadi I amke him feel guilty for diong jobs about the house. There are jobs that ned doing but come the weekend, thats all he wants to do. I believe in making time for us as a family and doing work on the house. Everything in moderation. It's hardly surprising i'm not too happy about watching Dylan all day long whilst he does diy when thats what I do all week too, I like to have a bit of a break at the weekend from the constant responsibility of watching Dylan, just like her gets a break from work...
In the past I have tried really hard to 'cheer him up' make him happy but I never felt like my efforts were noticed or that it worked. i used to do all the clothes washing but he would never take his clothes and put them away (hard for me to do whilst watching Dylan as I can't carry a pile of washing and him up the stairs). So all my efforts were ignored and the clothes just sat there. I used to tidy as I went round the house, I am the kind of person who will do a job as i see it so if there is something on the stairs I will take it up if I have to go up etc. Dh would just walk past said item several times. I felt like I was clearing up after a teenager and got tired of him 'making jobs' for me. He would never put things away where they went, would just shove them somewhere for now and then I would end up putting them away later, so he had created 2 jobs when he could have just put it away in the first place. I explained this to him but he still does it...
Basically I felt like the work I was doing went unoticed and was being added to and I just couldn't keep it up so I stopped trying so hard. Now though he says I have never done much housework at all. I try to explain to him there are hundreds of little jobs that I do that never register on his radar. I clean the oven, bathroom, always wipe the surfaces, always am the one who thoroughly cleans the highchair, always wash the wooden chopping board, always do the washing up (Dylans stuff doesn't clean properly in the dishwasher), I always tidy bits and bobs away that are left lying about, I file mail away, I scrub the toilet when it has 'marks' , I change the lightbulbs when they go, I make the shopping lists (or we'd never have food), I mostly make dinner and tea, I nearly always wash and sterilise Dylans bottles which is usually a few times a day as we have less bottles than he has feeds a day, I hoover (not as often as i'd like but I still do), I always scrub out ceramic sink and he just leaves food and stuff all over it, I share emptying and loading the dishwasher, doing the washing, etc.
Basically I do stuff and when he talks like he does he really has me believing I do nothing at all...
So so sorry for this long post, no one has to reply, just wanted to get it off my chest. Don't think we cana afford marriage counselling and mil would have to watch Dylan whilst we went and I don't want them knowing..