Fab Feb 2009: attack of the zombie mums

[dinkystinky]

So here we all are, complete with babies and gro-bags under our eyes

we put DS in his own room after a week - but his cot is a couple of feet from me even then as our landing is about 2ft square.

Due to his sleeping probs though last night we had him back with us in his moses basket.

I find it easier with him next door as the extra distance just muffles the huffing and puffing and snoring and i get to sleep rather than being on constant alert. Always here when he stirs properly and def hear alk the crying. We are lucky though that he can be so close but in his own room. Also means that I can feed him next door and not disturb DH - when having a good night of sleep...

Morning everyone....goodness I'm feeling a bit teary reading all the posts since I last came on here. MrsY Dinky and MOS have summed up good advice (as always)...I obviously don't know you in RL but I've always considered from your posts that you seem to have a very strong relationship with John. Having a newborn baby and becoming 3 is very difficult for most people and on top of what you've been through it is doubly hard. Even the strongest marriages I know have suddenly seemed to come apart at the seams a bit after children come into the equation. I always said to my DH before DS was born that as long as we accepted that it would be really hard for the first few months/year and didn't give up then we'd be fine. It was really hard, I was very emotional/hormonal/shouty and DS was quite a difficult baby (although that might have been the fact he was my first and wasn't that difficult at all !). But, one thing we did do is let my parents babysit and go out just the two of us - it really was the only time we sat and talked properly and not just on the hoof between feeding and nappy changes. We'd go for a walk whatever the weather and even then spent a night away. I'd always come away from those times thinking that I remembered why I married him. This time it's been "easier" in as much we already have a child, I was already knackered and DD has been probably a bit easier than DS but I have been tired and short with DH and DS has been trying so a different set of challenges. I'm already planning on a night away soon as I think me and DH really need it. We spent and hour and a half in the car yesterday and actually talked about a few things which DH just hadn't got round to "telling" me in the last couple of months..but it feels nice to connect again. SMS is also right - just have a hug sometimes and try to remember what it is you were attracted to.

I know there is probably a lot more to this than we know about but if you can work through the issues then try - it all becomes so much rewarding as a family as your lo's grow up and I feel so much more "complete" however sad that sounds now I have my little family.

Off my soapbox now ! I'm feeling a bit teary today. DS was quite clingy at my brothers house yesterday and was off his food and refused breakfast this morning. He may be sickening for something (I sometimes find he's off his food and then ill a few days later) but hope it's not some sort of emotional refusal (here's me panicking) - I think I've said before that he's lovely with DD but quite teary and challenging with me and DH. I am just feeling more guilty as time goes on that I don't spend more one on one time with him and that he gets forever palmed off when it's the three of us, - I do spend time with him but I suppose it's never going to be enough. I know this is a phase and it'll pass and he won't remember but I'm in the phase at the moment and feeling quite upset about it . He woke at midnight last night yelling out that he wanted a cuddle......he's a sensitive little soul. He's gone to nursery today - was a bit iffy about going but went all the same. We'll see how this week goes but DH has a weeks holiday next week so hopefully things might be a bit better then. MY sil pissed me off a bit yesterday - she has a full time nanny and always has had so every child she's had she's had full time childcare at home so another pair of hands. She mentioned the potty training to me again yesterday (DS in nappies still but keen and I've been too pre-occupied to get on the case) - I pointed out that if I had someone to do it for me (not said, but ie like she did) and didn't have two to look after on my own (not said, but unlike her)- then maybe I might have done. She's lovely don't get me wrong but I was a bit .

Right DD grunting on the monitor - am off to get her !

We have a roll top bath with no room in the bathroom - no surfaces or anything so opted for a sponge support thing - they are fab. Just pop some water in the big bath, then pop him on the sponge. Then have two hands free, he's not slippery to hold, etc. I highly recommend. Besides, are less than a tenner, so if doesn't work for you, then not too much outlay. We figured he can always use to sit on when too big to lie in - can even cut it up to use as sponges!

herb Feel for you over the ds issue. I feel exactly the same all the time, although I spend as much time as pooss with number 1, I then feel guilty to no2 and when with no2 feel guilty towards no1, don't think there'll ever be a perfect balance though will there.

Beantin I had the support sponge for ds1 in the end, was £* in toys r us and was fab and like you say, good for him to siton when he was just learning. I got it out of the cupboard the other day for Luke now he is a bit long for baby bath and it was a bit mouldy, so in the bin. I may get another one

Beantin - a baby sleeping 6 hours or more is technically sleeping through so you are very lucky when your little one does sleep! If he doesnt like the bath, maybe try a relaxing pre-bed massage instead - though some babies need a good cry out in the evenings (DS1 was like that for the first couple of months).

LMN - DS1 was in his own room at 2 weeks as I couldnt sleep with him in the room. Danny is still in with me (am better at ignoring baby noises nowadays) as we want to redo the spare room into a lovely big bedroom for DS1 in April/May time first and then we'll move Danny, though on noisy nights like last night I do think about accelerating the timetable

Herb - hugs! Dont worry - you're being a normal mum in feeling the way you do: DS1 is and will be fine. And you're right to leave potty training until you all feel ready.

think aaron has an umbilical hernia. his belly button is a big lump and it's starting to go odd colours. he's due his 6 week check anyway so heading to docs with him now.

spent yesterday at my parents and it was lovely... right up until we left and aaron spent an hour screaming before i could calm him enough to get him in the car, kept dd off playschool today it was so late when we got home, not to mention aaron had a rare grumbly night so i'm shattered (nothing compared to some of you i know, i'm so lucky with how quiet he is at night normally i really can't complain about the odd rotten night)

i have read through but foggy brain can't seem to log anyones news, will try again later... hope you all had a nice day yesterday, especially the first timers.

Thanks everyone.

I think it's hard because I know I'm being irrational, and so then have guilt on top of all the other emotions. It really hit John for six, even though a lot of the problems are ongoing - for example, he gets in from spending all day at work talking to people and wants to veg out on sofa, whereas I work by myself mainly, and want to socialise in the evening.

Anyway, we will try and make it work, but part of me doesn't really know if I want it to work. He was my first and only boyfriend and so I never had any other relationships to compare it to and was never 100% sure I loved him, because I didn't really know what love feels like. Of course I know I love M, and so that's the only thing I have to compare my feelings for John with - although of course I know it will be different.

My mind feels like a James Joyce novel atm!

KT - M sleeps on her tummy . I think that has a huge part to play. Plus she is ff, and my mum said I did 10pm - 6am at 6 weeks, so genetics may also be a factor.

SMS - We have one of these bath supports, and one of us is in the bath with her, so feel quite secure even though she is slippy. Also - try and check out cranial work for Luke. There's a European School of Osteopathy in Maidstone, it's great value and they have a ante-natal/post-natal/baby clinic on a Wednesday. Even with travel costs it's worth a try, and it's only a five minute walk from Maidstone West station 9and my house !)

Whoever was asking about slings, this article is good at explaining the basics. A friend just bought me a Kari Me, and I lurve it! It's only taken two practice sessions to feel comfortable getting her in and out by myself. They have lovely colours as well!

Dinky if only the 6 hours were not aplit into two hours asleep, 2 awake and then 4 asleep, would be great

MrsY I met DH late - well, we met about 12 yrs before ended up together. Know fell well and truly in love, rather than just love him as was an unbelievable physical reaction - not physical atraction, although that too - but, well am explaining badly. Feeling for new DS is the same as that.

Is tricky when both are tired and cranky as love them both so much.

It is rubbish to say you know if you're in love, cos you just know.....but that is how I felt, after years of singledom/dating and asking happy couples and getting that frustrating response.

Will stop babbling now.....

Goodness, a lot of emotional posts, I don't have much to add other than I'm so glad we have each other and I for one would be truely lost without all of you.

Hugs to everyone, hoping you're all ok.

How starving are you guys everyday? Will the tummy ever go at this rate? Is it the tiredness or the BFing? There never seems to be enough food in the kitchen!

Perhaps I'm just a glutton...

I'm hungry all the time. Generally, I'm happier overall than I was at this stage with ds1 but I'm really anxious about Conor's slow weight gain - I will be very upset if the hospital insist I give him further top ups now - that is, on Thursday - after getting so much further with breastfeeding than I did with DS1.

elkiedee is the weight gain really that bad? I was made to feel terrible by HV about DS not regaining birth weight. When she'd left, I looked at the record book and in kgs he was .02 out and in imperial he was back up. She made me feel so bad was almost in tears that was terrible mother, not feeding him.

I have since discovered that there is no set pattern for BF weight gain. As long as have dirty nappies - wet and poo, then all should be fine.

I am not up on Conor's history though. Hope all ok though and you can continue with BF

I'm constantly starving too and think I've actually put on a bit of weight in the last few weeks instead of losing it I was so chuffed to get into a pair of pre-pg trousers when H was 2 weeks old but now they are tight again. Have had a real craving for digestive biscuits the last few weeks and constantly have a box by my bed which I get through rapidly. Think part of the problem is the tiredness, the b/f and also, from my point of view, the lack of time to get healthy snacks.
Decided to try to be really good from today and somehow managed to find time this morning to make some weight watchers banana muffins for a healthy snack. Also, it killed two birds with one stone as DD liked 'helping' me to make them so it was good spending some time with her although we had to keep stopping to calm down DS who was in a whingy mood.

DS1 just back from school and very pleased to discover the muffins. He has given up chocolate for lent too and has missed out on nice snacky things.

herby, my DD is just as your DS is at the moment. It is so very hard isn't it. Ref the potty training, don't worry about it and tell your SIL to off (you choose which one ) My DD is 2.5 and isn't potty trained although a few of her friends who are around her age are. I did try it a few times but we weren't getting anywhere so put it on hold for a while. I'm not a fan of GF but did get her potty training book and in that it advised not trying potty training at certain times, one of which was if there is a new baby. I have however decided to give it a go from tomorrow for various reasons. One of which is that a lot of the people on our compound are on block leave so the nursery has a lot less children the next week or so and then we are on holiday and so DH (and the two eldest kids) will be around so hopefully I will get more help. Its not worth getting stressed over and if we are stressed about it, I'm pretty sure they will pick up on it.

MrsY, of course you love him you daft mare You are just tired (although am very that M seems to sleep far longer than my H does. Please suggest to J that you get a babysitter and go out for a nice meal to talk. Even if you think it doesn't help, at least you will have a night off cooking/washing up and get a nice meal out of it

elkiedee, try not to worry about Conor's slow weight gain, they all catch up in the end. My DD1, now aged 12 took 16 weeks to get back to birth weight and was in hospital for all sorts of tests for failure to thrive. She is now almost as tall as me and I have to buy aged 15 clothes for her as she is so tall. Keep at it with the b/f, I'm still giving H formula top ups but am cutting back a bit.

Pinktulips - sorry to hear Aaron had a cranky evening/night and hope his belly button is ok. My baby cousin had a hernia and dad tried to treat it initially by taping a 50p piece over it as sometimes the cold and the pressure on it is enough to pop it back in place. Hope your GP can sort it out quickly - and painlessly - for you guys.

Beantin - if he's going for 4 hour sleep stretches, he'll soon stretch it out and reduce the waking period. Just hang on in there. And as for the hunger - I too am constantly hungry and it definitely is a combination of sleep deprivation (always makes you comfort eat in my experience) and BFing. I've been buying fruit by the bucketload to snack on but still seem to end up eating the cakes and chocolates I've laid in for the bad days Oh well, will shift this extra stone when I start exercising properly again...

Elkiedee - Conor was a really big baby; its great that you're exclusively BFing him and you're doing really well. My friend had an 11lb baby and he also took a while to put on weight while being BF - but after a couple of months of losing/putting on tiny amounts of weight all of a sudden he really started piling it on again - it was like his metabolism took a little while to kick in. I really hope it goes well at the hospital for you.

MrsY - there's no guarantee you'd feel any different if you'd had lots of boyfriends before. I had a period from 15 to 22 of constantly having a boyfriend (one after another) and basically swore off boyfriends (but not casual dating - am not a nun after all) at 22 as so many of them turned out to be great guys but total and utter fuckwits when it came to being boyfriends - and really only started going out properly again with someone when I started going out with DH (who was a mate of mine at work for a couple of years before we started going out). It wasnt love at first sight with DH - more like mild attraction on my part, slightly stronger on his part - but once we started going out after a tequila fuelled drunken snog, it felt right (though neither of us had any idea how long it would last) and here we are nearly 9 years later with 2 kids and still very much loving each other... Personally, I think the idea of romantic "you get hit by a bolt of lightening" love, as promoted by the movie industry, is overrated (its generally just those pesky hormones running away with you) - the best relationships are the ones that sort of creep up on you and then once you realise you're in them, you work at keeping good. Please do take the time and space to figure out what you want for you, and M, and John and to remember what is really good between you guys. And the other issues - like the stay in/go out issue - can be worked at with compromise and making your own time to do your own things (which is possible when M gets a bit bigger) - it shouldnt put an end to something which is good and has the potential to get so much better. Right, will take my Relate hat off and zip it now.

PT Hope Aaron's belly button is ok and they can help it heal properly. Glad you had a good day yesterday, and don't blame you for keeping dd at home today.
MrsY About the getting in from work thing, I find that if I give dp half an hour to unwind without hassling him (ok, I can't stop ds1 being all over him, but that's different), he is far more productive where the kids are concerned and far more talkative when they've gone to bed. I read somewhere that if we try too hard to talk to them the minute they get in, they feel like they're still at work (us nagging ). As for the love thing, me and dp met and got together late June and I found out I was up the duff early November, so that was hard and I did wonder for while, would be still betogether if I wasn't pregnant? Hopefully John understands the emotional upheval pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood has on us and the pair of you can talk it out. Like others have said, you've always come across like you have a very strong relationship, but only you know how you feel, but like you yourself said, now isn't the time to make life altering decisions. Give it a few months for everything to settle down and if you still feel the same, then think about doing something about it all. Hope you're ok and bearing up though. x

That bath support looks good, I'm just holding Luke in the big bath now. I overcame all my nerves with ds1.

just had a HUGE row with DH who is being (in Dinky's words) a real fuckwit! According to him we had a misunderstanding but he just wasn't bloody listening again! Please don't listen to my relationship advice, WTF do I know, I've been divorced twice!

P.s am using my duvet day proactively - have uploaded a picture of my 2 boys onto my profile...

MoS - sending huge hugs to you in the KSA plus lots of virtual carrot cake! Am sure that you and DH will work things out - just let things cool down and am sure things will get better.

(((Mrsy))) it does sound like PND and i echo what everyone says about you and John sounding strong in general.. and that you had a hard pregnancy, birth.. etc.. so would urge you not to make any permanent decisions..

if it makes you feel better both DH and I have had rocky days and have felt unappreciated..even when we are both working hard at home. I would have cheerfully throttled him several times when he has a suggested a 'better way' to tidy up/sort out baby/arrange the laundry etc.. which he does not because he is mean but because he is does do alot around the house and does not depend on me to point out what needs doing, and is happy take on the jobs himself..but in my hormonal fog has felt like terrible criticism...

and i also feel.. when you talk about what love feels like.. it feels like many things and one version is this..it feels like this..working hard together for family. i am the opposite.. i have 'several' relationships behind me .. and it is a bit overrated.. it is normal to feel like you dont want to make a relationship work..particularly when you are exhausted.. don't read too much into that..

ok i have gone on for too long.. and if none of this is relevant to what you are feeling right now..please feel free to ignore...

beantin... it's the bf-ing, makes your stomach feel like a bottonless pit 24/7!

mrsy... sorry you're feeling so mixed up about your relationship. i think if your in love you know though. the only thing keeping me and dp together half the time is the fact that we love each other... it is the same feeling you have for you baby, not quite as overwhelming, but close.

aaron is 5.12kgs and 61cms long got the stupid dismissive arse of a doc that i hate though as my usual doc had too many other patients waiting and he didn't even feel his belly button, just looked and said 'it's grand, don't poke it' will bring him back to my doc another day and keep an eye on it in the meantime, it pops out alot when he cries and it was really dark looking last night, bruised almost.

sms, snap.... i just hold aaron in the bath, used a bath support for dd and tbh i find it easier just to hold him!

herbgarden i fluctuate from feeling I am ignoring DS, as (bless him) he entertains himself in the corner with his toys..to feeling I am ignoring DD when she smiles broadly at me, and I get distracted talking to DS/DH/DM..etc etc..when I look back the smile is gone and I am mortified..

..so know exactly how you feel.. hugs to you..hope DS feels better..

Dinky hope you are fully recovered now..

hi everyone else..apologies for lack of personals.. DD has decided that sleep at night is for the weak..so I am not able to concentrate very well.. but waves to all and hope all are well..

Awww MOS - what is it about men and not listening? I'm married to one of them!! Think you need to break open those chocolate eggs....

Fab pic Dinky....they are SO sweet

I'm really pissed off with my GP surgery. Got 6 week check (at 7.5 weeks) on Wednesday with HV and 30 mins later, the GP. They have just rung and asked if I could see the HV 30 mins earlier.....so I asked if my GP appointment has been moved as well.....no, doctor is fully booked. So do they think I've nothing better to do than sit around all morning in the surgery between appointments . Told them to cancel HV appointment.....poor DS....hasn't been weighed for 5 weeks.

Little Dinky cutestars!

Hope you pass the love of Princess Bride onto the little ones.

Lovely pic of your boys Dinky! - sorry you've not been well, poor you.

MrsY, MOS and everyone else with partner problems....I think we've all been there over the last few weeks/ months. I had a weekend from hell and would have cheerfully pushed DH over a cliff is there had been one handy. Can't remember who said it in the previous few posts - but I agree that the worst thing is lack of communication. Though that is tough to work at when DH refuses even to answer anything I ask him at the mo (except for muttering obscenities under his breath). Hope it all works out....

I've been up since 1am. I cannot digest a sinle word that I have just read

PT my SIL's l.o had a hernia and docs did nothing, it went down on it's own after 4 mths.

(((Mrsy)))

On the subject of feelings towards dp's, I'm of those of you who say your love for dp's is close to that for your dc's. Idont think I love dh much in that case as it comes no way close to how I feel for my boys (although not after last night the little rats )

BF'ing is making me really hungry too but unfortunately I'm not getting a chance to eat as Sam needs feeding over breakfast and dinner time and its all I can do to make H something one handed. I grab a bowl of cereal at some point in the day and in the middle of the night. DH sometime makes me dinner if he's home but I'm usually too shattered to eat so pick at biscuits and chocolate when I can

Ah, that's right, I sat down for 5 mins.... one of them is screaming again. I have a headache