October 2007 These Little Piggies chased the easter bunny..and stole the eggs

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Hiya

Happy Mothers Day to all you lovely ladies

I really have to find time to catch up on everyone. Have been having a nightmare with landlord again!! but things are bad now as he won't do any repairs!!

He wants £1200pcm for this!!!!

Eh LES

Is that yr rent or is that what he wants to fix the crack in wall?

Hope you all had lovely mothers day

Pixie, thats my rent. I wouldn't mind if it was just a crack in the wall. But karls bedroom wall and the en suite wall are crumbling. There is black mold. oh there is so much wrong with the damn place.

LES those are shocking pictures. It is your landlords job to fix walls that have damp... not yours!
He is breaking the law by not repairing them, esp when he is renting to a family with a baby as you can get quite ill living in those kinds of conditions.

You should speak to the CAB and see where you both stand and what his obligations are.

He's taking the piss by expecting you to pay for building repairs. He knows that if you moved out he would have to deal with it before he could rent it out again or sell it on. No surveyor would approve that.

Good Morning lovely ladies
I hope you all had wonderful mothers days yesterday...mine was a bit mixed..I'll paste from the over40s thread where I responded to someone hoping we had all been given a lie in;
'...Ha! A lie in?!!!!! I cooked dinner for the Ils and nephews as an early Mothers Day thing for mil last night..we then went to Dhs pals' sons 18th which had no quiet room as promised so Alex (and another pals 21mth old)didnt get to bed until 11.30 and then Alex had me up at 3.00 for a feed and 5.00 for the same but wouldnt go back down in his own cot so I ended up bringing him into bed with us...he woke at 6.55 for good..and did Dh offer to give me a second lie in? Oh no, I had my chance yesterday and blew it by getting up at 8.00 to make Dh fresh bread for breakfast....Looks like I'm cooking breakfast too as well as dinner tonight for my mother....I'm somewhat dischuffed as you might be able to tell...what is more if I remonstrate I just know the answer is going to be "you're not my mother..."'

I was right about the "you're not my mother" quip but then;

' I shouldnt complain because when he finally got up he did cook breakfast and had bought me some choccies and a card from Ds (a major improvement on ziltch last year)...its just that being so wrecked from a rough night and having such a busy day ahead, the pampering of a cup of tea and a lie in would have been so much more appreciated....[ungrateful bovine that I am emoticon]
My Mum said I had had my expectations raised too high because my Dad used to lead by example and always made mothers day very special as a thank you for her giving him his children and all the things she did for us all every day... Shaming Dh by doing a fab first fathers day for him last year obviously didnt sink in...(and I did the full cooked breakfast in bed, card and ceramic mug with Ds's footprints on thing)..oh well, we can but hope my sour face when he got up sticks in his memory for another 12 months...'

So not a bad day after all really...We went to my Mums, and I cleaned her kitchen and windows and cooked steak diane followed by bread and butter pudding ...she loved her ceramic tile painted at Crackpots by Alex and got flowers and chocolates from both my brother and myself so I think she enjoyed her day.

Tles; I think London prices are astronomical (it is the reason I came back North years ago)but to charge those prices and yet not maintain the place properly is daylight robbery.

Muppet; Hope you got a decent nights sleep last night.

Floria - Sorry you had such a hard working Mothers Day, hope it's more relaxed next year!

I had a nice one, dh let me have a lie-in, he offered breakfast in bed but I wanted to get up so I just had it downstairs... I got a lovely car from Dylan and one from dh. Dylan also got me a bar of thorntons fudge and a bar of thorntons dark chocolate

We went to see dh's mam and went with her to put flowers on her mams grave. We then went to a lovelt park near the beach that overlooks the sea with mil and sil,bil and nephew. Dylan and his cousin had a go on the swings etc. In the evening we just relaxed and ate naughty treats.

The one thing that did spoil my day a bit however was my phonecall to my mum. I called her just before midday to wish her happy mothers day, I had left a card for her to open when we visited last weekend.

I said as she answeres (in a cheery tone) 'Hello, Happy mothers day', she answered with 'Oh hi, I thought you'd forgotten about me' it was only lunch time fgs! I said no, I was just coming round and having my breakfast etc... She then started going on about her hip (arthritis) and the fact she has to see the specialist again and then about my dads blood presssure and the fact he has a check up with the doc again (she likes to play up their ailments to make me feel guilty/sorry for them). She then mentioned that she still has my wedding dress and the bottle of champagne that our best man bought us the night of our wedding (she stole kept these when we originally fell out, I feel she was only reminding me she had them to remind me I should behave or I won't get them back - I don't care anymore, she can keep them, I know i'm married to dh and don't need my dress to prove it). She then mentioned that the woman who made our wedding cake died a year later (again, very uplifting for mothers day and just her trying to remind me that people die and to remember that her and my dad are 'very ill' and could die so to be nice).

I tried to make the conversation a bit happier and more upbeat so I asked her what she was doing today, the reply was 'groan, nothing really'.

After all this nonsense she worked up to asking the question she really wanted to ask. She mentioned that she had a birthday card for dh (his birthday this week) and asked, where shall I send it? Shall we get back to a bit of normality? (meaning, give me your address). I said 'well, I don;t want to give out my address so you could send it to Dh's parents house as usual or give it him next time we see you'. She was not happy with this at all, I think she thought as it was mothers day it was the perfect opportunity for her to try and get me to give her it as I would have to be nice to her.

She sounded aggitated and said 'Oh well, alright then, sorry to go on about my hip and your dads blood pressure but it's all we've got, all we can do is keep surviving, not that we've got anything to live for, i'm going to go now. Thanks again for the card, and thanks for all the mothers days in the past when you came to see me, you used to come and see me didn't you? It was nice'.

I said 'well, I have a son of my own now' She said 'yes, that's what it's about I suppose, anyway, i'm going now, i'll put you on to your dad'

I then got the arkward silent treatment from my dad where he says as little as possible to make me feel as arkward and 'naughty' as possible it went something like : him-' hello, pause, whats happening, pause' me -'nothing much, we're just getting ready to go out, what are you gonna do?' him-'might go round a local village, pop in to a tea room' me-' oh right, that'll be nice, we're gonna get some nice cakes from the garden centre I think' him- 'pause, what sorry?' me - 'i'm going to get some cakes, from the garden centre, they have nice homemade ones' him - 'pause, oh right, very nice, pause, which one is that then?' me- 'erm, not actually sure what it's called but it's the only one in Berwick, it's just on the outskirts near the roundabout to the A1' him- 'pause, oh right, we'll have to go there together sometime then won't we???(said in forcefull/bossy tone' me - 'yeah we can if you like' him-'pause, cause we're not alowed are we?it's bloody daft all this, it's stupid, not allowed your address are we!' me - 'no, not at the moment, do you honestly think this is what I want to hear on mothers day? I think you just want to make me miserable' him- 'oh well i'd better go then' me -'bye'.

This probably doesn't sound that bad but to me it is laced with guilt trips and the blame being put on me. It was all I could do to give her a card and call her without feeling like a hypocrite(sp?). I don't feel she's been a very good mother to me the past 10 years or so, especially the past few years. She still hasn't admitted to any of her horrendous behaviour or even attempted to appoloigse for it but she still expects everyone to play happy families and act 'normal'. I carry so much resentement for the things she has done and she doens't even have the decency to stop the emotionally abusive behaviour now we are back in tounch. It's just like old times, made to feel guilty for doing nothing at all wrong . Anyway I burst in to tears after the call as I was truly trying to be selfless and just wish her happy mothers day. Dh came downstairs and found me upset and had had enough.

He called them and told them how it is. My mum refused to speak and passed the phone t my dad (she always does this). He told them they have been made aware many times their behaviour is abusive, he asked why they continue to treat me like a 4 year old when i'm 28, he asked why they thought it acceptable to upset me on mothers day. He told my dad my mum was lucky to even get a phonecall after the way she had treated me. He told them they had met Dylan, we know how they feel about him and they have too much to loose to be acting like this towards me. He told them I was just trying to do a nice 'normal' thin and call to wish her happy mothers day to which my dad replied 'well, thats just it, this isn't normal at all is it?!'. Dh stated 'no, it's not as Amy's mum STILL hasn't even admitted to ANY of the horrible thigs she did never mind appologised for them so no, it can't be normal. My dad just cut dh off and said 'oh we're getting nowhere, we'll leave it for today' and hung up . Actually dh was getting somewhere, he was telling them the truth but as usual with my parents, whenever you get near the truth they cut you off.

This has made me reconsider the whole thing and at the moment I don't know if it is worth carrying on contact. I wanted to do a selfless thing for Dylan and my parents but i'm starting to think it might cause more harm than good as the abusive behaviour is still there

Any advice welcome.

Another mammoth post

Oh Dal! It is such a shame they can't accept the truth. I can't understand why they won't even try to accept your feelings, if Alex cut me out of his life in 20+ years time I would be utterly devastated and would probably do anything to make reparation and heal the breach... They must have been good parents to you all as children or you wouldn't be the lovely people you are now..it is so sad that they cant enjoy you for the adults they nurtured and relinquish their need to control your lives. If the strain is too much for you then perhaps taking the step back again might be necessary for your emotional stability .. it is just so sad...and Dylan not getting to know his grandparents is sad too but you must know whether it is worth him knowing them or not..sorry that is not advice..just sympathy. (((hugs)))

Oh Dal

I come from the perspective of a similar mother so you have to take what I'll say with that in mind x

I would write them a letter detailing everything you feel is wrong between you, how you feel it started, keep it as factual as possible and with a slant on how you felt.

I would then move onto (in the letter) what you would like to happen in the future -what do you want in the future? (They could be feeling a little confused 'well, she's talking to us but being so difficult'...not saying you are at all but this is what they could be thinking) They obviously have their expectations and you yours but I think you?re going to have to be really specific in what you'd like and what you wouldn't.

I would then say that you would like them to read, re-read and then reply IN A LETTER as they can then think about what they'd like to say, mull it over and tell you what they would like to say as talking on the phone just doesn't work. I think if you emphasise you are not attacking them, you just want to sort out the problems and by pretending all is normal neither of you are really doing that.

My letter was 10 pages of A4, front and back, and all I got back was 'are we still talking about this???' and she never referred to it again but I felt so much better having told her exactly what was wrong without her having a hissy fit, slamming down the phone and refusing to talk to me. I know she now knows exactly how I feel (she will have read it and so would your parents) It's her choice to react the way she does. She can't accept any failings on her part and, like your parents, would love to carry on as though nothing had ever happened but I just can't do that.

Dh's family are similar (I really won?t bore you all with MIL problems again so don?t worry!!) Dh phoned yesterday to wish her happy mothers' day and they weren't there, he phoned again at lunch, still not there -very unlike them, they go nowhere!! I said -they'll be at SIL's in Wales with other sil so don?t worry, leave a message and at least she knows you rang. I get annoyed as it's not mentioned to us, if we would like to come, SIL's + PIL's have a family day and never tell us/never invite us. Once again dh is left out of his own family. He'll phone today and get some 'woe is me...' tale like she always does but at least dh knows this now and actually expects it. He's very good and not justifying why we don't do things and is very direct. He'd say 'well, we didn?t go yesterday as we didn?t know...' she won't like this so she'll change the subject or say she has to go. That's her way. Fine. We're not feeling guilty anymore.

I have just been reading about how we form relationships and how we relate to others?. We have vertical relationships ?those that are in a position of power/influence over us such as a parent, teacher etc and horizontal relationships ?those that are equal, reciprocal like friends and colleagues. Parents start off in a vertical relationship but at some point they need to move into a more horizontal, advisory, equal relationship. They can?t always be the ones who are in control or always automatically right. Dh?s parents will never do this as they won?t admit to there even being a problem. They?re right and that?s that. We?re the ones being difficult. I think parental relationships work best when the parents are secure that they have done a good job and can dip in and out of their children?s lived but still have a life of their own. Dh?s have no life, never had and just live for their children in an almost suffocating way.

Ooops, have gone on, all of the above is just an opinion, get loads of those before making any decision xxxx

Tles - yuk piccies, had a siliar experience in a house we lived in. Keep a written record of everything you ask the landlord to do and his response. Take pictures and put it all together. We contacted the local environmental health dept and they came out were [shocked] and it all got fixed pretty soon afterwards. You can't withhold rent legally but we did stating that we were more than happy for a third party to have to the rent to prove we weren't rent dodging but the issues needed to be fixed. I'll put some piccies on facebook to show you what our problems were xxx

More sympathy here Dal. Think muppet's advice is spot on as always.

Don't be pushed into more contact than you want at the moment. The most important thing is that you move at a pace you're happy with. If they push it then take a step back to reassess. They have no RIGHT to be involved in either your life or Dylan's and they need to show by their actions that they deserve to be involved.

Good luck xxx

here is the letter/email I am about to send but want advice first lol

does it read ok?

Dear Mr Hall

With reference to your previous email.

The new tenancy for 110a will not be signed until the works are carried out in full and adequately. I am not prepared to commit my children and I to further months of ill health due to your lack of care or ability to ensure the works are carried out. As you are aware I have a 10 year old son and a 18 month old son, both are suffering with constant coughs and cold due to the damp in this property. My asthma is also suffering as a result.

I feel that I have been more than patient with regard to the repairs needed especially the hallway and Karl's bedroom which were caused by yourself. You sent two of your employees, one of which admitted to myself he had "no idea what he was doing as he fixed projection screens "not walls or fit alarms"

I am currently seeking legal advice on this issue and on Friday I am attending a meeting with the private tenant liaison officer. I will write to you again once I have received further advice.

Thank you for your kind advice and support ladies. I was a little worried you might think I was overreacting or something...

Muppet - I love your letter idea, the only problem is, we've already done it, before we stopped talking. I told them every single thing they'd done that had upset me and dh and all they could say was, 'I can't believe you would say these things, we are so hurt'. They then carried on the abusive behaviour. My brothers also each wrote an email which was treated pretty much in the same way. So as you can see, tahat was kind of our last resort and it didn't work. They even referred back to the emails saying they were all lies etc. So, not only will they not accept the things they have done, they won't admit or appologise. Even if they won't appologise they can't even act grateful for still having contact after it all. They still act as if it is their right to see me.

The thing you said about horizontal and vertical relationships is interesting, I think they haven't switched at all. In some ways they sound very much like your dh's parents too.

I think, in a way, they see me getting back in touch as me accepting defeat and being 'in the wrong' rather than me doing something selfless for their benifit.

Alice - you're right, they do need to show by their actions that they deserve to be involved and upsetting me on mothers day doesn't do that

My counsellor say my mum sounds 'omnipitent' which apparently means she thinks she is above all others and everyone exists to serve her

I would say;

-do you have a drs cert confirming that the dampness is causing an effect on your/the children's health? (I'm sure it is but if you're going to claim it I would back it up with evidence if you can)

-'more than patient' -how long exactly? I would state a precise time period.

-how long does your lease have to run? He could get nasty and not renew (no reason not to complain at all just would be careful if you're looking at moving in the immediate future anyway)

-what damage did he cause?

-I would state what legal advice you're going to seek. Might put the willies up him enough to get him to do the work.

Not nit picking but I would be as precise as you can so any communication could form evidence should it need to. Also any ambiguity of what you are asking can't be challenged if you're precise and direct.

Dal, sorry it didn?t work. I did wonder what would happen if the same situation as mine occurred in that they/she didn?t respond.

I suppose you have a few choices none of which are easy.

1. See them and accept any comments they dish out and don?t challenge them.

2. Don't see them (but you would need support in order to stay sane with your decision as it's ongoing...)

3. Try a new letter following on from yesterday's phone call stating how you felt but I think this may not work.

Your counsellor is right with the omnipotent mother!!! Dh's mother is like this 'I am the mum and you will do as I say!'

I think it is tough for our parents, they weren't expected to challenge their parents, they accepted what they did/said and that was that. We live in a much more emotionally literate time where feelings are discussed, reflected on and people are accountable for their actions BUT we can't make our parents listen or be accountable. I think that's for our children's generation.

Dh has already identified the ways in which he has changed the behaviour from his parents to that towards his children. He hugs the boys all the time, talks to them, has time with each son on their own, is very involved with all aspects of their lives (school, nursery, friends ect) I 'let' (hate to use that word but FIL wasn't allowed a separate relationship with his children, it all went through MIL) him be separate from me in his dealing with the children. I want them to ring him when they're older and not have everything go through me. We promote sibling relationships (dh wasn't encouraged and once again everything goes through MIL, we tell her we'd like SIL's to be bridesmaids and she phones and asks them. We tell her we're having our first baby, she phones and tells them.) even at this early stage 'you're such a fab brother, Henry loves playing with you...'
Dh and I won?t be here one day and I really want to do as much as we can to make sure they have a close relationship. I can't see dh even speaking to his sisters once MIL dies, God, even his dad...?

Btw Mr Dal is fab for sticking u for you xxxx

Muppet - It is dificult, I seem damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't see me being able to put up with their comments all the time and not challenge them, I could do this some of the time but I get the impression they want me to challenge them so they can play the victims and blow it up in to an almighty row, making me look like the baddy in the process. It is my ultimate wish to not have to see them, sometimes I wish they'd just dissapear, (not die, just vanish)I feel so guilty saying that but they make me so stressed that thats how I feel.

Interesting what you say about your dh's relationship with his dad having to go through his mum, it's a bit like that also. Even when my dad is on the phone to me he she has to be next to him monitoring everything he and I say and telling her all about it . I don't feel like I have a close and honest relationship with either of them.

My mum tries to come between myself and my brothers, as we all lived in seperate towns she used this as an opportunity to tell lies to us all about what the others thought. She did this with my sils too. Told one them both that the other one didn't like them so they didn't get along as they thought they didn't like each other iyswim.

Yes, Mr Dal (Alistair) is my hero , he keeps me sane as do my bro's, sils, and pils.

We had a little of the MIL telling us things SIL had supposedly said. MIL told us SIL said she wasn't going to come to Ollie's Christening if she wasn't Godmother as it wouldn't be worth her time Phoned SIL straight away and obviously this wasn't the case but was good as we actually caught MIL out.

It must be really difficult for you and I don't think there's going to a perfect, easy answer. Good that your brothers are feeling the same, you know then that it's not you taking things the wrong way that it is real iyswim.

It's funny I've been thinking this morning -what would I like my mother to do? I suppose for me it's just to accept what she did, acknowledge she wasn't great and say sorry. That's it, that's all want. I totally understand no one is perfect, she was/is ill. I'd love her to show a willingness to do things differently even if that's really hard for her I wouldn't expect her to be perfect. But I know I'll never get that, she won?t acknowledge she's wrong and thinks I'm awful for 'keeping going on about things' She lives in a world of illness, wanting to be pitied for her illness (was interesting when I was depressed I was assessed for what I had to gain from being depressed as some people begin to identify themselves as being ?ill? and don?t want to get out of where they are. They redefine themselves as an ill person, get attention from that and don?t want to actually get better) The ?poor me, yes it?s tough for you but what about ME?!?!?!? is very wearing and I felt she just sucks any life from you that she can. (may be overly dramatic but she?s also an alcoholic and they?re pretty draining)

It?s a tough one xxx

Hmm, a lot os similar behaviour from both your mil and mother to my mum. When you were stating what you would like your mother to do, it could have been me talking, you said it better though. I am a forgiving person but how can I forgive what she claims is lies, is not real, won't admit to and won't appologise for?! On top of that I get made to feel it's all my fault, these are very difficult circumstances under which to fogive her (and to some extent my dad who goes along with all she says and does). Draining is the word exactly, I don't think my mum wants to get better because she honestly believes there is nothing the matter with her or her behaviour.

It just affects my life so severely that I don't know how I can live with it . I am so scared of the damamge she may do to my life, my relationship with dh and ds... I feel i've opened a can of worms but I had no chioce as I needed to try one last time to rid myself of the guilt that I hadn't tried hard enough. Only problem id, now i've resumed communication and they know about Dylan it's gonna be 10 times harder to stop contact if I decide to. Seriously, she won't let me, she'll be at pils in a shot and hound my mobile with calls. Last time she even called the police and reported me missing!

don't have much time as got to pick dd1 up and then go to docs, and then her health club thingy, just wanted to say Dal, although its hard and you're trying to do the right thing for Dylan, i personally think you'd be better telling them to get lost and never see them again, they make me so angry when i read how they treat you and that is without knowing all the details, although i think you prob wont do that because deep down you think it is in Dylans best interest to have them in his life i'm not so sure, just think how stressed you get whenever you know you have a meet with them, hope i'm not sounding bullying to you, i just think you'd be more settled and happy if you decided no further contact, but thats just my opinion

I had a nice(ish) day yesterday, but my mum is a cow, put her a**ehole boyfriend first as usual, she's not worth bothering with either.

Grr have to go will try and get back later xxx

I would say, and I'm not suggesting you don't have contact, that Ollie has asked where his other Grandma is and I've said she lives far away (why can't we ring her?), was nasty to mummy when mummy was little ect and he does seem to accept the situation for what it is. He was watching Tracey Beaker (girl in care) and her mum wasn't nice so we talked about how some mums aren't nice but I was never going to leave him and loved him more than anything. He has a think about what I say, comes back and asks more questions and we deal with whatever he throws at us whenever the need arises. I suppose you have to weigh up what he would gain from what you would lose, what he would lose as to what you would gain. It is okay to make a decision that might affect your child deeply to save yourself. It's just very hard living with that decision xx

Also I think the dynamics of marriage have changed. If I am on a mission and go over the top with something, dh will say 'I think you've gone over the top and need to calm down and have a think' he'll also tell me when I've gone to far (always handy with my dad ) He doesn't always agree with me and we let each other have differnt opinions. He reels me in, makes me think and offeres his opinion. He doesn't tell me what to do, he doesn't expect me to do as he says but I really don't think this happens in PIL's marriage. I think it's more of a needing to show solidarity with the wife no matter how they are behaving. I think they see conflict as very us/them with mo grey areas, ie, they could've got it wrong. MIL phones dh and tells him she's very upset with him as his sister has got a parking ticket in her name that was meant for dh (long story we tried to give SIL a car but it backfired and we were the baddies yet again) she doesn't live at home yet still uses their address for certain letters so doesn't always get her post on time. She'd phoned us, we'd talked said of course we'd pay the fine and that was that. FIL then goes on the internet and tells SIL that she's going to have a criminal record over it. MIL phones dh goes mad at him, he's confused thinking something else had happened in between speaking to SIL and FIL. MIL syas she's deeply upset and accuses dh of laughing (he wasn't but it's a clever way to make the rest of them think he is as only she can hear him ) We speak to SIL she knows nothing and is still okay with the plan of us paying. MIL doesn't spologise and flatly denies even having a go. FIL backs her up.

What can you do???

Happy Birthday FT, I really do hope you're having a lovely day, you deserve it xx

Dal-really hope i didn't come accross as too harsh, I say thats what i'd like to do, but in actual real life i probably would struggle to do it, especially if they're going to fight you on it, of course if you did decide to do it, you could probably get an injuction if need be. you know where we are if you need s, and if we prefer i shut my mouth just tell me

Inzi glad you had a lovely day Hope you managed to let that woman down gently, i always attract weirdos does sound like she needs support, but don't blame you for not being able to be the person to provide it, i've tried before and made myself ill doing it, so try to avoid that type of situation anymore