December 07 - I'm still standing, yeah, yeah, no!

[Wizzska]

Hello people, is anyone there?

Hi Everyone,

been out of picture for couple of weeks so have just been trying to catch up on it all.
Went back to work yesterday - it was awful I missed my girl so much I felt like I had a limb missing, am very overwhelmed at these feelings, I knew it would be tough but I don't think I was prepared for the intensity of my feelings!!
I know some people really love the balance work and home gives them and welcome some adult time, but I think I'm realising I've changed so much, my job just doesn't seem relevant or important anymore. I'm going to give it another couple of weeks and see if it gets any easier (but somehow I don't think it's going to) then if still miserable I might try and see if I can signed off until my operation, which has an 8 week recovery period which will probably nearly take me to my obilgatory 3 months!! (not that I have a plan or anything!)
Sorry to ramble on.
Kaesha has started hugging and kissing everything including the washing machine, every stair as she climbs them, every page of every book..... is so cute!! She is saying Mama, Dada, baby and booo, and has started clapping and pointing. Bless is so fab seeing them changing and learning all the time.
Sorry not to reply to everyone on what's going on with them. I'm so rubbish by the time I've read through the posts I can never remember who said what.

Arcadie - I had a house mate at uni who called his poo a Douglas Hurd! I don't think I could!! but clairey Douggie is a really sweet name and quite unusal - I don't think I know any little boys called douggie

well I think its a positive, I probably am pg - I had another faint line but def darker on sat am (then went away for weekend and deliberatly didn't take anymore tests!) still can't believe it so trying not to get carried away - my line manager is going to love me!!! I worked out I'm back at work for less than 6 months if this bean sticks!

thanks for snack ideas - sandwiches v popular so that opens whole world of healthy fillings to get some diary and protein into him - keep them coming I'm doing the shopping tomorrow

hope you all had lovely weekends - I've been at scrapheap challenge filming as dh is taking part and going to be on telly in spring, boys at my mum n dads, I enjoyed the break but missed them and I think they missed me too as I got loads of lovely cuddles, feeling v I'm blaming it on the hormones!

Insy - CONGRATULATIONS, how brilliant, first month of trying too, you must be Uber-fertile. I will keep my fingers crossed for you that it all goes well, but I have heard that you can't get a false positive on a pregnancy test stick so looking good!

Suey - really sorry to hear about your PND, I hope you are getting what you need, eg some good medical help and a supportive dh. I second all those people who said your mood changes when you stop breastfeeding - I was very weepy for a while and was told the feelings can be likened to immediately post-birth. With your work on top of everything else, it's probably not suprising things have spiralled so quickly as you must be knackered.

Claireyboooooooo - ha ha your tales of your dc's do make me laugh - pebble in the nappy and escaping from his highchair (which is a fear I have had a lot as I often leave her in her booster seat while I go and get more food from the kitchen).

Snacks - those little round cheeses in red skins are good (what are they called?), strips of toast and marmite, banana, Organix crisps, dried figs and apricots, slices of roasted butternut squash (although my dd2 turned her nose up at this), cucumber, other soft fruits, cheerios, ummmmm, running out of ideas now but we have been slighly limited by what is available here (or we brought with us), am looking forward to hitting British supermarkets again!

Martha took three proper steps yesterday, which is the best she has done yet. She is also waving and saying "ba ba" for Bye bye, usually when she sees any other child being put into a pushchair. I LURVE this age - although as she literally NEVER stays still I am dreading all the long flights we have ahead of us (especially the Bangkok - London leg).

Right, must go and get on with packing. The packers are coming on Thursday and we leave Friday night so not long to go!

Clara - good luck with the flights and the upheaval again.

Melly - I felt the same way with work. Give it some time. It took a week before I stopped weeping on my way to the bus stop in the mornings. I'm ok now although I miss DS loads and I feel my job is a total irrelevance. I make sure I make the most of my time at home with him and I race out the door each night from work. I said I'd give it til christmas. I think I might get made redundant, which is what I wanted. Now I'm beginning to think a steady job is not something to get rid of that easily in this current climate.

Insy - I am . I want a bfp too!

Current climate of DS with v. snotty nose crying all night does not bode well for baby making. We are knackered atm. Saturday night he woke half hourly until 3.30 when he came in to our bed. and alternately kicked us or sat on our heads for an hour before DH took him to the living room and got him to sleep on the sofa. Last night he slept in bed with me all night. I say slept, but with regular intervals of crying. We are at our wits end now. We've exhausted all our tricks. Any ideas?

Witchka - sorry to hear you have been having problem with ds's sleep, no advice I'm afraid we have had similar problems on and off since ds started cutting teeth! He has 4 but they still don't meet, yet I think it must have been about 4 weeks since they first started to appear!
It looks as though his top canines are coming through as I can see 2 white bumps next to his top incisors. Might explain why he was very unhappy last night, and screaming in pain - we ended up giving him nurofen again
ON the plus side he has started walking around with this little walker - one of these ones only not a vtech, a down market version. At first he just pulled himself up standing with it so he could beep the horn (it has a steering wheel) now he walks along with it.
On the minus side, been feeling a bit down lately, can't put my finger on why though.
Just keep thinking back to when ds was tiny and all the crap stuff I did.
I'm wondering if is another hormone dip, doesn't help that I am on my period at the mo (though good timing as it should be over by Wednesday which is when I'm flying out to Spain!).

hello all,
Just had to say congrats insy!
I have been to work this morning just for a meeting then been in bed Reading a fab book. Just off for a run to try and get those happy hormones going

Sounds fab, Suey
Hope your run does the trick! Is your friend still staying with you?

no, but dh is back, thank goodness. I think after slowly drip feeding him information, that he now understands it has gone beyond tiredness and that I am actually ill. Hopefully he will talk to a close friend of his who had pnd pretty badly. His father is a retired doctor, too so I hope he manages to get some support so he can support me and I don't have to constantly spell out what I need. He is coming up trumps so far, though I know it could easily slide again.

Suey, glad your DH is behaving himself so far, hope he gets the message loud and clear, understands what you're going through and pampers you properly.

Bouncing - sorry you're feeling down. Can't think what the crap stuff you think you've done would be - I'm sure your imagining things. Look forward to Spain and keep your mind off it.

mellymooks So sorry to hear that return to work not desperately positive. Entirely share your feelings on how strange it is not to be with them. To think that they're with someone else smiling and kissing things is so hard. It does get easier but you might not want it to. It's certainly true that the job seems much less relevant to life Very impressed by how far on Kaesha is. What a little sweetheart - no wonder it's hard. Is it uber nosey to ask what operation? Will you be laid up long? What plans for DD during that time? Hope it's all so much more straight forward than you imagine.

Insy Hurrrrah Yayyyy Baby!!! (a little louder now cos it seems more certain) Does that mean we lose you to the antenatal thread now?! Can you keep up both!?

BT(s) Second that on the Nurofen... DD is calpolled immediately anything close to overnight sniggling occurs. Can be doing with 20 mins controlled crying just to discover she was in pain and that a few mls of paracetamol would have done the trick. Sorry you're feeling down too. Sympathy on the AF front - just got mine back again and had forgotten how moody and sore they make me .

Suey Well done on getting through to DH. Funny how little blokes in general understand hormonal sadness / grumpiness/ general overemotionalness. I just think they don't get how you can feel bad when "nothing is really that wrong" Maybe I'm over generalising....

Off to finish watching University Challenge. I've turned into my parents...

Hi Guys,

Thanks for the understanding on the rubbish returning to work feelings.

Suey - hope you continue to get the support you need and can start to feel rested soon.

Arcadie - no you can be nosey!! I was told back in May that I have a disease in my ears called Otosclerosis that is slowly making me deaf. Apparently I will have had it since my teens but it is speeded up during pregnancy and that's when lots of women realise they have it. (anyone else out there faced with this?) The operation takes out the bone that is overgrowing and they put in a prosthetic bit instead - if successful it will restore my hearing to normal levels in that ear, but if they f* it up then I could be made completely deaf - but the odds are good in my favour. Because it's such a delicate area I will be very dizzy and sick afterwards and can't put any strain on the area so any lifting is out for 8 weeks
Have good family and friends who will be coming to help/stay but still not sure how I'll manage no to lift my girl.....

Oooh and Insy how exciting for you!!

Evening all!

mellymooks to no lifting, that will be hard! Is she up on her feet yet? If she is mobile you can sit on the floor/bed and she can crawl/walk over to you for cuddles! . I know exactly how you feel re work, I described it elswhere here as like a big kick to the guts when I got to work and it really hit me I was going to be away for her for so long. I am lucky as I get all the school hols, but I just feel awful being away 5 days a week. Hoping to go PT as soon as poss but realistically it is not going to happen soon

whispers....Congrats Insy!!!!! Soooooooooooo excited for you and even a teensy bit broody . I'm on the same boat as Witchka and many others - sod all chance of sex due to crying waking baby...(also if I did get an uninterrupted night I would be SLEEPING through it for sure!! I am so tired!!!

suey, glad you are taking positive steps, and glad your dh is on board. they are all a bit useless with hormonal things I think, I think it must be a hard thing to believe just how much they can affect us - I'm on my 3rd month of AF being back and realised what a nightmare it is. One of DH's friends wife had PND - her Dh left her and said he wasn't coming back until she "pulled herself together" - things like that make me realise DH is not half bad after all!

Have had a lovely day with dd today (Oct hols here) - they are so much fun at this age, she is chatting all day long, smiling, clapping hands, waving etc. Oh and started giving me kisses too, melt!!

Helloooooo to everyone else and hope you are all well! BT how is the bf-ing going without expressing at work? I pretty much never express now and so far so good (the 8 million night feeds are probably keeping my supply up...zzzzz).

OH PS Arcadie don't worry re joy at being a SAHM!! I will not revisit that debate, but personally I think the ideal balance for me would be PT esp while I only have the 1 DC, I enjoy my work and I am liking some aspects of being back, but 5 days is too much in terms of missing dd and just actually physically managing it, esp when I have so much work to do in the evenings. ENJOY!!!When will you finish up?

insy although i don't real;ly want another one quite so soon

caz at half-term...I've still got 2 weeks and 3 days of parent's evenings

Suey - hope you are doing OK

hello to everyone else...

Hey Caz10, oh must be so hard 5 days a week I'm only doing half a week and that seems like an impossible task right now.
Kaesha walking round the furniture and climbing stairs and has let go and hovered a few times but no steps yet..... but you're right she will be able to come to me for cuddles, I just hope I can carry on feeding her as I don't want this op to be the reason I decide to stop bf, I'm so rubbish at expressing - I hardly get any out these days unless it's literally hours since she's had any!

Totally know what you mean about the lack of sleep my girl still not sleeping well and feeds loads at night, tonight she just wasn't interested in going to sleep at all so I brought her back down with us for a bit she chattered away for about 10 minutes then just fell spark out asleep on my man by the fire!! They're now both fast asleep and look very gorgeous ahhhhhh

Hello

Not been on for a couple of days and missed all the excitement

Insy - congrats!!!!!! I think you are barking mad but you are obviously so happy!

Suey - so glad to hear that you are feeling better and feeling supported by your dh

Melly - sorry to hear that you haven't enjoyed being back at work. Maybe after a couple of weeks you will settle back in to it. I have really enjoyed being back but on the way in on the bus on the first day I was close to tears over leaving dd for the whole day.

BT - I have been feeling a bit down recently too. DH and I have been talking about whether or not to have another baby and talking through the reasons why I don't want to do it again has upset me. It made me think about dd's birth again when I thought I had put it behind me and how ill and overwhelmed I felt for the first couple of months. It just makes me feel so sad when I look back on dd's early days - I just felt numb because I found the birth such a hideous experience and was so overwhelmed with looking after a baby and really doubted my abilities as a mum. If I'm honest, I still do.

I don't really want dd to be an only child but at the moment I just can't face having another baby. Maybe it's too soon.....

Sorry for offloading all that crap on all of you when everyone is so upbeat but mn is great for that isn't it?

arcadie - I'm going to try and juggle being on both, I was absent from this thread for a while and missed it, I joined the due June 09 thread earlier but very tentively - hope you enjoyed university challenge

hi suey - glad things are getting a little more positive and dh is understanding what he can, whats lovely is he is trying to understand, hope you have a good week x

louise - sounds like its too soon to be thinking bout having another one, have you spoken to anyone about the birth? our hospital has a birth listening service and my friend has just used it, she had a relatively straight forward birth but felt see needed to revisit it just to off load some stuff, I think mainly how she was treated and how out of control she felt, it really freaked her out - dd is only little give your self space to heal and enjoy it if thats what you need (btw doc's recommend waiting 18 months before concieving again so your body has chance to heal... my doc always reminds me of that! oh well too late for me!) and offload all you want!

lol caz10 at getting round to having sex - dh questioned if it was his - told him I didn't have enough time or energy to find another bloke! glad your having a lovely half term

bt - sorry you've been feeling down, could it be hormones as you are on af? I second arcadie on dosing ds up as soon as he looks out of sorts - to be honest calpol does nothing for him, when he's teething we do nurophen straight away

melly - my symphathies bout returning to work, I remember that with ds1, trying not to think about it as I thought leaving ds2 would be easier (same childcare, done it before etc) turns out its not! I wobble everytime I think about it - when do you ahve to have op?

been so distracted by new baby news that I forgot to say ds2 took a step yesterday, my bro was playing with him, standing him up and then letting go and catching (ds's fav game at mo) and he let him go and he just took 2 steps towards him! think we scared the crap out of him tho cause we all cheared he prob won't do it for ages now

Insy Blimey - it's all go at your place! Gestating, walking...

Insy - walking already .

Louise - Sounds like you're not ready to go for another yet but Insy's right, I've heard lots of women need to use the birth listening service and get over the trauma of giving birth. It can be quite helpful in letting you move on.

I've got the birth amnesia / denial thing going on. I could quite easily go for number 2 now. I had such an awful time with ds's early weeks, but I look at him now and he's so gorgeous that all the bad things melt into insignificance. Plus I am telling myself I know what to do now so the next one will be a breeze (yes, I know ).

By the way - only one wake up last night at about 3.30am and straight back to sleep. Well done the wee man! Hope that's the worst of his cold over.

Wow Insy it's all happening with you guys!!

I don't have a definite date for the op but it's likely to be before Christmas, looks like I'll be laid up for her Birthday and Christmas

Think going back to work has been so hard as well as I haven't been able to return to the same place, my old post wasn't open for jobshare so I now have the equvialent post but in a totally different place (geographically) with a whole new team of people who I don't know and they don't know me. I spent all of the first day back thinking how different it would have felt if I had been going back to my old team whom I've worked with for 3 years have shared many highs and lows with, who all shared in my pregnancy etc etc instead I was with strangers and couldn't break down and have a good old sob as I know I could have done with my old colleagues..... and even though the whole team know I've been off on maternity leave none of them asked me about her which felt really strange too...ahh well I know I must at least try to give it some time, but in all honesty with the huge commute it means I'm away from Kaesha for nearly 12 hours 2 days of the week it just seems too much, sorry rambling on and on.

Louise76 - I totally know what you mean about having another, I am really not sure we'll ever feel ready. I never thought I would consider having one child before Kaesha was born but now I feel differently, it's not even for me that we had a very bad birth or that she's been particularly tough work compared to some of my friends, it's just that with every stage we get through I think could I really do that all again? And the next time I would have a 2/3/4 year old in the mix as well? I just can't imagine it and am in constant awe when I see Mum's wandering around with 2 or 3 kids and have to stop myself running up to them to sat HOW DO YOU DO IT?!!

That's fantastic news Insy - keep us up to date with your progress and sending you lots of lovely pg vibes.

Melly - that must be very hard, going to a different job so no wonder you are not happy! At least with the op recovery period (fingers crossed it all goes well) you'll have some time to sit back and consider your options.

Louise - yes it sounds like you have some unresolved issues surrounding your dd's birth, have you a nice HV you can talk too? Talking it through with a counsellor might help you reconcile yourself with how it went. I do sympathise, didn't have a difficult birth, just a very fast one! But the early days were sooo hard. I know I am not ready for another one yet, but am thinking that I would like a little bro/sis for ds when he is about 2/3.
But if you do decide not to have any more, your dd will be fine as an only, so don't feel like you are depriving her - I often wished (and tbh I still do) I was an only child...

Suey - please to hear DH is supportive now, men can a bit dense at times, but I think it floors them when someone like yourself who seems so together and strong suddenly reveals their vulnerable side.

Claraq - have you packed for your holiday?

Witchka - IKWYM about them looking so gorgeous and the memory fading! But I sometimes feel abit sad that it is becoming hard to remember what it was like when ds was a tiny newborn.

Arcadie - well done on ds2's first step!!

BT I have a second son?!**&$£!! He's WALKING!???? Wonder who you're confusing me with....

You are right, that was Insy!!

Forgot to say to Caz that not expressing at work hasn't caused any problems, have nor problem feeding him more at the weekend, and not getting any discomfort during the week.