I have read your posts, and I really do sincerely appreciate your replies. I also appreciate and understand the sentiment with which they were written. I feel touched that you do care.
I do have fantastic friends, very close friends and trust me, they have all said similar at some point. They have all also accepted that I am trying to support Dh too. That i'm not ready to give up on our relationship.That I love him in the way that I do, and are now, supporting my decision to stay with him. It simply is not that easy, to just leave. Ive invested so much in him, and our lives. I'm not prepared to walk away just because things are really shit at the moment. All relationships go through difficult times. Time which you don't want to experience ever.
We have been incredibly happy in the past, and we are still happy when we are together, and yes, this is due to me letting an awful lot go... compromising my 'self' in the process. It is not disimilar to what Loosh has said, about taking back a DH how has been unfaithful to you. You just can't keep punishing someone for it. It will never work if you do. You have to move forward, if you are to stay together.
I realise its not exactly the same, but, if I did not do what I do, when we are all together, we would never be happy. Isobel is so incredibly happy when we are all together. When she sees me and Dh together. It makes such a difference to her. Her two favourite people, and her, spending time in the same house, playing, eating dinner at the table together, having baths, having naps on the big bed. She is a different girl. I am not prepared to take that away from her yet.
Perhaps I do need to think about when I tell her that Daddy is coming home. IN all honesty, I never think that he won't come home. Every time this happens, I hope, and believe its the last time, or at least for a long while, purely because we are so happy and content when he is here. I never think that he will not want this next weekend, that he'll hurt me or let me down.
I will just have to get on with it. I know this. I don't expect tea and sympathy ad infinitum. I really don't. Just that at times, its important to say whats happening, to talk about how i'm hurting.
I feel the comment about him not being arsed to see Thomas is unfair. and that it it is his fault. Its complicated. His exW made it impossible to see him. She had an affair, and when Dh left, she moved the other man in. They told Tom he had to call him Daddy. She was after a huge amount of his money, that he'd inherited and would not get under those circumstances. He had a lengthy court battle about it all, and had to prove that she was co-habiting with the other man. Thomas would have confirmed it easily to him, which she could not risk. So she stopped contact and accused him of unreasonable behaviour, as he would go round after work to see Tom.
He visited him at school one day, and she called the police and accused him of trying to abduct Tom. Which was not the case i the slightest. The police believed her story and up held it. He could not see him after that.. He will have to go through court and liason meetings in order to see him now. Its not because he doesn't want to see him. She did eventually get over £300K of his inheritance. Its heart breaking. He was left with nothing. She had a fantastic solicitor and barrister, and DH did not, as he could not afford it. He lost everything. Including the houses they had bought and renovated which was a business he had with is brother, that they used to do with his father before he died. Its unjust and unfair.
Of course, he also gets the point about why sacrifice seeing and being with a child he can be with all the time, merely because he's upset and depressed about not seeing his other child. Its just when he gets so low, like he is now, he can't think about it. He buries his head in the sand a huge amount. He has aspergers syndrome, so dealing with and understanding his emotions is difficult enough, without also having to think about mine. NOT an excuse, but a very valid reason as to why it is hard for him. He has developed coping strategies with alot of it. WE have developed strategies to deal with it. Its HARD.
LIke I say, I just need to at times, let it all out. I was feeling really sad, and low. I miss him when he's not her. IN the same way you would miss your partners. I love him, just as much as you love your DH's. I often think he doesn't deserve such love, but, I can't stop the way I feel.
I accept the point about responsibility to change. I really do. I realise I can change things too. I have, an awful lot already. Its not as cut and dry as it may seem. It is SO difficult to cope with everything I am having to cope with just now. I feel its unfair. I can't cope with it all. I have to find ways to deal with my day to day life, that affects Izzy. That is hard enough, without dealing with the whole picture all at once. I'm confident my pain will improve, given time. And when it does, and I can manage my life every day, then I can address everything, the whole picture.
IN the mean time, I just ask for a little understanding and support. I don't need, or want answers. I know what the answers are really, deep down. I just don't want to e judged so harshly, or for him to be really. He's not a bad person. He's just having a shit time, and yes, bringing me down with him. We will get out of this, we will do it together. We have to, and want to. We are a partnership. It will get better and we will be happy again, all the time, in time, thats all.
I am sorry for my post last night. I was really upset reading some of the replies. It really wasn't anyone i particualar, though some were harsher and blunter. I guess what i'm trying to say is that there is really no need for that as I honestly do know all that you all said already, my self. I am in agreement with much of it. I appreciate the honesty too. I guess I just don't need to hear it, as its something I already know. You know, when someone is really down, it doesn't help to kick them a bit harder. Which is what it felt like I'm afraid. ( although, again, I totally understand the sentiment behind it. )
Anyway, i'll not go on about it anymore. I bore myself, so god knows what it must do to you lot.
Finally, I suppose all I ask is that you trust me, to be utterly aware of whats happening. Trust me, that I know what he's doing to me. Trust me, that I am doing what is right for my family. And finally, trust me, that it will get better, and if - a big if, it doesn't I will not continue with this forever, by anymeans. However, that time has to feel right to me though. It has to be a decision that I make with the confidence I'll never have any regret about making it. That time just is not now.