Today has been kind of tricky. Fell asleep again and woke up about 9 am this morning, later than usual recently, then gathered some food for breakfast. 10 am feed followed by me dozing off until 12. Asked Mikey to heat up my coffee which he did, but instead of returning to help look after baby so I could drink coffee, eat my breakfast etc, he went off to prepare more formula feeds (relentless pressure to keep up with cycles is making it difficult to attempt even a little bf and expression). I went downstairs clutching baby to find out what was happening, hoping for "I'll be 2 minutes" - somehow this turned into a row between two very tired people.
Now, I know dp is very very good at helping to care for Danny, but I actually wish he'd take more care of himself re eating and sleeping, and wake me up to do things instead of leaving me to sleep while he takes charge. I'm hoping his return to work on Tuesday will actually force me to learn to do some of the things he's taken on and gain confidence. I'm terribly lucky with the partner and family support I've had, I know that just from reading these threads, but I desperately want the chance to prove I can do some mothering myself now.
Danny has grizzled loads today, but what I've found hardest to cope with is his very tired father grizzling back at Danny and snapping my head off, taking everything I say or ask as a criticism.
I'm also low because I feel that I've missed the chance to feed him on breast milk properly rather than as an occasional thing - I can't pursue bfing when Danny is screaming as he can't be latched on and Mikey gets too upset, and then I cry, and any milk which might be about will definitely stop flowing there.
I read a bit of a library book on the subject on Friday night. It's intended to be a guide to positioning and how to do it, with some case studies, but... the problem is, I could have done with a human being showing me what to do in a way that I can remember when I'm alone with Danny, or when Mikey and I are alone with Danny. The case studies suggested strongly that what made the difference to success was the opportunity for the authors to show someone directly how to position herself and baby. The initial help I had was often based on manipulating bits of me into Danny's mouth, and I was none the wiser on getting him to latch on to me myself.
Anyway, I think I will have to go and hold baby while Mikey cooks him and me a hot supper. May see you online later, however little time I have for it, my snatched time over the computer seems more important than ever right now.
If not, take care all, anyway