The 11th Gemini bus - Trudging through the terrible twos

[AGnu]

Just heard from DH. His gran was better than expected. He was under the impression she'd barely be able to grunt, let alone hold a conversation but they managed to have a bit of a chat. She's got a chest infection so it could be that that was responsible for her decline but now that's getting sorted there's some hope of some sort of recovery. Highly likely she'd have some amount of brain damage if she did recover though so is unlikely to be living independently again. Fortunately, her DH has gone into a care home because she's not around to care for him but he's loving it there & making out like going there for the respite that was being planned before all this was entirely his idea - we have a letter from Granny dated just a few days before mentioning his reluctance! He's making plans for "when" she joins him there. Bit concerned he's overly optimistic about her recovery but fx I'm wrong!

Poor DH left home at 2.30pm & won't be home until 12.30am, at the earliest. Kinda worried about him driving so much but I'm glad he's coming back. There was a chance he'd stay with relatives a little more locally but he's decided not to. Calf's still wide awake. He does this when one of us goes out. I was hoping that telling him DH wouldn't be home until tomorrow would make him settle early but clearly not... then I told him DH was on his way & now he keeps sneaking out of bed to stand on his low radiator & stare out the window. He'll probably still be there when DH gets home...!

No idea what's going on with my body now! I stupidly thought testing again was a good idea, so I could see the line get darker. BFN! Yesterday I did it in the middle of the day, today I used FMU. AF due Monday or Tuesday so I guess it's still early to be testing. I'm going to have to waste more money on tests now!

Aww bummer Agnu. Just give it a couple more days to see what the hormones decide to do. Are you still having symptoms?

Oh I was about to say congratulations Agnu! Have you tested with a CB stick or anything other then a cheapie dip stick?

Yes, tested with 2 CBs, the first was positive but the second wasn't. Cheapie today was BFN too. When I fished it out of the bin checked yesterday's CB this morning there was definitely a thin line, but they say you're not supposed to read it after 5 minutes. I'm sulking a bit & cross with my breasts for being larger/sore & my stomach for being queasy & bloating so much that I look several months pg! I've got a CB digital to use but I'm in 2 minds about when to do it because I'm seeing friends tomorrow morning & either I'll be so excited that I'll tell everyone or I'll be miserable & anxious & spoil everyone's fun.

I'm getting crazy dreams too. Last night I dreamt that Richard Osman was being extremely inappropriate with me while DH was in the other room. It was so realistic I can remember how it felt/smelled! I nearly had an anxiety attack this morning when I remembered it & every time I've thought about it today I've felt ill. Totally not how I would've expected to react to a sexy dream about him... I also wouldn't have expected my subconscious to kick him out! Stupid hormones have ruined Pointless for me forever!

Well, that's that... given all my symptoms I can only assume that I was pg but it was one of the 1 in 4 that end early. That'll teach me to be more patient in the 2ww! Hopefully at least the nausea/dizziness & creepy dreams will go away now... there's always next month, although the due date would then be very close to my niece's & we've already got 2 other cousin birthdays close to Runt's, I was hoping to avoid that if possible this time round! Yes, I'm weird. Right time to pull myself together & get on with the day!

Oh, I retract my Squuueeeee Agnu

On to the next month of TTC! Hope the weird symptoms subside for you.

Aww bummer Agnu. Sorry about that. Onwards and upwards to next month!

Aww sorry Agnu FWIW I highly recommend not over thinking about "the right time". Only because I did that at the very start of TTC this time and many months later regretted putting myself through that extra anxiety, especially when it took so long to fall pregnant second time. Look at me now facing the prospect of a end of August baby I did everything to try and avoid this scenario but I honestly couldn't be happier as I appreciate this baby so much after knowing what a struggle it was for us to conceive and how much harder things could have been! We were blessed really and I shouldn't have worried about timings. However, saying all that I can totally sympathise as I know how easy it is to want to control "the right time" for your family With your super fertility powers it will happen very soon for you I'm sure I think you all encouraged me to focus on my health and that really helped. Especially as healthy eating is so important when it comes to conceiving.

So, I have finally chosen a colour scheme for my nursery (sorry Agnu if this comes across as a insensitive subject to bring up now ). Grey and Pink. After months of trawling pin interest I was more drawn to the boutique look then the butterflies and ballet shoes so that's what I've gone for. Two of the walls will have wallpaper (small pink hearts against cream) and the window wall will be painted pink to match the hearts. I then found grey material in the sale yesterday which will cost a bargain £40 for the curtains. I'm just waiting to hear if my MIL fancies taking on the project! My mother has kindly offered to buy the blind so I'm going to order samples for neutral Roman blinds tonight. Then all that's left to do is buy a wardrobe from ikea, move the changing table from DS room and chair. Bpear is staying in his cot bed and we will eventually buy a space saving cot for the nursery next year as its a small room. Oh and I'm on the look out for a ceiling Chandlier type light that is suitable for a small room! Then I'm done

BTW if this turns out to be a boy then I'm screwed

Sounds beautiful pear! Pink/grey is a fab combination!

I'm getting cross with my body now. After spending most of the morning feeling like AF was imminent I eventually started spotting but only a teeny bit of brown, totally not normal for me. If I've got to do AF again I just want to get on with it!

Pink was the colour for boys in the Victorian times... maybe you could pass it off as "vintage-chic" or something!

Lor - so pleased to hear all is well and that you've got a good sleeper despite the recent blip! I hope you're all back to normal in your household now? Did you buy C a present from E? Did he even get that concept? I brought Bpear a camera a few months a go ready to give to him. I thought maybe taking photos whilst I'm BF might be a distraction (you can picture all the boob images that will need deleting can't you ) but I know the reality is very different as nothing lasts long with Mr Ants in his pants!! Rather then buy new toys for the basket I shall be focussing on TV with snacks and treats as I know that is far more likely to work for us Hey, whatever helps get you through it I say!! The last thing I'll need is a distraught tantrum whilst baby is struggling to latch on. I might even have to keep a spare packet of buttons for the very emergency moments!!

Seriously Pear, no shame in turning to the electronic babysitter in the trenches of newborndom. Then just seeing if a relative or friend can take BPear out to the park or for a walk or something so you can grab a shower a quick rest at the end of the day when wee one is napping. That was my saving grace... Someone else coming and helping at the end of the day.

How is it going with two these days Lor?

Thanks Bring, all good tips

So, we went to two birthing classes today. I am shattered even though I had a power nap when we came home. The classes were so much better then anything we saw first time. I was quite envious of all the 1st time mums experiencing it! However, it really brought it home that I have a much better chance of having a better birth experience as so much went wrong first time for me and experience is definitely a bonus in this scenario! All positive thoughts DH however ruined my zen as apparently all he got from the class was a streak of panic thinking about all the things he needs to find in the attic like the birthing ball MEN

Lor to answer your questions I'm 32 weeks tomorrow and feeling pretty tired and hungry. Apart from that I'm doing well thanks.

Things have rapidly progressed and MIL moves into her flat next week. I literally cannot wait for her to be settled! She was moaning today that whilst we were at the hospital Bpear did the biggest poo that she has ever seen in her life today. Ha ha pay back for her suggesting 2 nights a go that he really should be well and truly potty trained by now

Agnu - did AF finally arrive?

Epic fail here So the YouTube access has had to be removed here as I caught Bpear watching some odd clips of a dad and son dressed as Spider-Man doing activities that are probably too rough for a 3 year old and using the word "kill" It's all innocent but these kind of things have such a big influence on their mind at this age don't they I'm a bit surprised how quickly Bpear can find things but I suppose I shouldn't be surprised I didn't realise that you couldn't block YouTube pages so I've now removed it all together and Bpear is not impressed asking why it has disappeared!

Daddy has removed YouTube even though he was at work when the incident happened and since he's been at work all day mummy came to the rescue at brush teeth time and downloaded I player for kids app Mummy's back in control woohoo

We've nearly brought all the bits for bpears room. I've found a blue stripe rug that will hopefully go with the rest of the room now. It's a bargain at £40 in the sale! I'm being really really good and sending DH to IKEA on his own since he drives by it lots after work. It makes me want to shed a tear but I know if I go I will spend money that we don't have He will just come out with the draws and cupboard. I would come out with lap trays, Ice cube trays, lights, bathroom cabinet oh I so want a bathroom cabinet, glasses, toy storage, hangers...the list is endless

Yes, AF arrived last Monday. Still spotting a little which is unusual for me. Hopefully it won't mess with my cycle & we can keep trying.

DH's grandmother died today. We saw her on Saturday & I was actually letting myself start believing that she might recover.

DH wants to have serious conversations about home schooling. We have these from time to time. They involve him reassuring me that he thinks HE is a good thing before pointing out all my flaws as a human being & then expecting me to announce some magical way of spontaneously improving myself.

Oh, & FIL shouted at Calf for touching something in another room & it really upset Calf, in his internalising, going a bit blank sort of way. Calf is completely refusing to talk to me about it & I'm freaking out that if he won't talk to me about this then he's not going to talk to me about bigger stuff as he gets older & I won't know what's going on in his life or be able to help. I was half considering getting DH to call FIL to find out what happened but they've got bigger stuff to stress about & FIL would probably just bluster over the whole thing & insist it was nothing. Calf willingly sitting on my lap for nearly 15 minutes really isn't "nothing".

Life's just a bit crappy atm.

Oh, & my friends have noticed I'm not being overly social & are starting to ask questions. One friend had her 20 week scan today & the other has had numerous miscarriages at around 10 weeks so my pregnancy ending before AF was even supposed to come doesn't really compare. They both knew I was having pregnancy symptoms. I'm still processing it & don't feel I could have a coherent conversation about it yet. I can't lie convincingly & it's not something I want to share in a text so I'm just avoiding them! I suspect they're not just going to let it be though, I'm wondering how long it'll take them to turn up on the doorstep or text DH! I'm supposed to be seeing them on Thursday so I expect more questions on Friday if I don't show. It's nice they care.

I'm sorry to hear about the passing Agnu. That's really hard that she made that turn so quickly after everything was looking better. Also just feel sad for you with this cycle ending the way you didn't want it to and having pregnant friends. It might be a good idea to speak with them. Its easy to downplay our own feelings and compare them to how we think someone else may have it worse and so they don't want to hear about it, but even just opening up about the disappointment is something that your friend can relate to and can hopefully be a comfort for you right now. These are still very valid feelings that YOU have right now and obviously your friend is checking in on you so she may be a good shoulder to lean on. I agree that it sucks when our kids get scolded from someone other than ourselves. It's also practice for dealing with interacting with other adults and it's hard to let go of the reins and try to trust that no one will hurt their little feelings! I'm sure Calf will get through this and it will pass. DS1 gets very moody and won't talk about things if he gets into trouble or has some kind of interaction with someone he doesn't like and he's also an internalizer. It's very clear to see when something is on his mind. I don't really probe too much but just mention that he seems out of sorts, if he needs some time to think about it and figure out some words to talk about how he's feeling then we're ready to listen. The kid is so stubborn that we can't get anything out of him unless he brings it up. Infuriating and my anxiety brain goes to worrying about the upcoming teen days too... But one small kid problem at a time doesn't mean fucked up teenager or life-long adult, you know?

Pear- so glad that you're liking the birthing classes!! I hope they continue to be a comfort for you and your DH. Can't believe you're already 32 weeks! Bloody hell that went fast! Really laughed at the YouTube story. These little humans are far too smart for their own good! So are things getting better with your MIL and her new place? Have you been to visit her often?

STILL no word on DHs job. I just feel like I'm in limbo. We have a couple of large purchases that we really need to make if we're going to stay here but would be a bitch to figure out if we are moving.... Even if it's a "no" then ok... We can move on from there but for the love, give us an answer! Started counseling/therapy/seeing a psychologist. It's going "eh" for now. I don't know if I really connect with her so that's making it kind of hard. She's younger than I am and just had her first baby so I think in my mind I already feel like getting parenting advice from her feels I also started taking 5-HTP and not sure how I feel about that either. It definitely stabilizes my mood swings and the negative moods that I do have aren't as bad or depressive... But it makes me have really weird dreams, I can't get up in the morning and sleep until the dead which just leaves me groggy. I feel super low-energy and tired all day and have no appetite. So I'm basically exhibiting depression without the mood part. Doesn't seem worth it with kids to not feel depressed but I can't peel myself off the couch. So... Frustrated would be the word to describe current situation around here right now. DH keeps saying how lovely and gorgeous summer is here and how is just not like this in the UK (I'm thinking "duh I know that. I've lived there with you!") and gets upset with me when I mention that this will all be dead and gone in about 3 months. He's says I'm moody and pessimistic and I just say I'm being a realist!

Until the dead=like the dead

Agnu - Really sorry to hear about your DH's grandmother Always sad to loose someone and it must have been a shock for you all if things looked on the upside. Have you been able to talk to your friends about your bfn yet? I hope things have got easier.

Bring - oh man that sucks not knowing about the job! Limbo is never fun. Is your MIL at home now? I hope she's doing better too. I'm glad to hear you've found someone to talk to and I hope that she starts to ease some of the burden of what's on your mind?

My MIL moved into her new place this week. I think she will be occupied with unpacking so we've not visited her. However, she's not the type to invite us either. She never makes the first move. TBH I'm pretty selfishly annoyed with her because she is putting so much pressure on DH that is has effected our decorating plans and taken a lot of DH's time up so he has little energy to think about me and guess what...the baby. When did he last show interest in the baby? Can't even remember. It's nearly been a week since the birthing class and guess what...the birthing ball is still in the attic. This is all to be expected because of the circumstances but it's just s**t if you know what I mean

I haven't got anything happy to talk about really. I am super stressed because my house has been turned upside down whilst DH tries to fit in decorating with work. The painting that has been done in bpears room looks rubbish IMO. We're arguing lots because I'm 32 weeks pregnant and I want it done now now...you know the drill. I've got another weekend to face alone because DH is taking corporate clients out for all the summer events going on. Bpears behaviour isn't great because he's lacking attention from DH and I'm just exhausted. So it's all fun fun fun

Eeeek help! Bpear has decided on his own that he wants to use the potty now since nursery has shown him their toddler toilets. He just came out with it before bath time last night! So far he has asked to do two successful wees! I'm in I had given up on the idea and now I'm totally unprepared. What do I need for the next steps? Pants? Toilet wipes? Portable potty? Please don't say portable potty Where do people get this knowledge from? Books I guess

You could use pull-up nappies which are easier than nappies for toilet trips but would catch any accidents. We've not used a potty at all, just a toddler toilet seat. Wipes aren't necessary, toilet paper will do & wipes are really bad for the environment/clog up pipes.

Good luck! Runt's not showing any interest, I'm quite happy to stick with nappies & avoid accidents for now!