I'm on my way to bed now, so again a brief, selfish post 
Long, embarrassing story short: I have been a complete dickhead & bought into his promises of a happy future for us. Although we're still living separately, we were more or less back together - he was sleeping over maybe once a week (with sex) & I was seeing a lot more of him than that, even. He kept telling me how much he loved me & how he was going to fix everything & we'd live happily ever after & have more gorgeous babies, etc. & I believed it, because I wanted to. I knew it was a huge risk & I wasn't fully comfortable with the situation, because of the risk. My rings have never gone back on, & all that sort of thing. Although he's worn his around his neck for a few months now. He's been having individual Relate counselling & so on. I thought we were likely to be okay, but wasn't 100% sure.
The other part of that is that I've known that I could find somebody better. That I will meet someone who treats me properly & respects me, & all of the rest of it. But I believe in trying to make a marriage work if you possibly can, especially where there are children involved (or at least for me... I'm more 'forgiving' of other people, which is something for me to consider) & I was happy to settle for a life with him, so long as it was good enough. I still love him & being content would have been enough. I was sacrificing 'perfection' to make the best of what we had.
I've been a bit suspicious of him recently, but on Monday night George wanted to phone him & there was no answer. He normally texted me throughout the night / chatted on msn or whatever. The silence was unusual. I became very suspicious. When he eventually phoned me at 12.15 (after several texts & calls from me), he began with 'oh, finally, I've been trying to get hold of you!' & a string of excuses about how his phone was playing up - he had received my messages, but had been unable to send any. & despite me knowing that I'd made multiple calls that had rung out, they'd not registered on his phone. The electricity meter in their flat had run out & the shop was closed to buy more, so he couldn't use his laptop.
I told him that I knew that he was lying. That I thought that he'd been out with another woman, & that I could tell by his voice that he'd been drinking. He swore on my life (!) that he hadn't. Absolutely promised. I'm the only woman in his life, the only one he wanted, blah blah blah.
I said that I didn't believe him. Asked who he spoke to most - me. Then who? Then who? Eventually got to the name of a woman I'd never heard of. Apparently she works near him only on Mondays. I ask lots of questions - he only speaks to her face to face at work. Sometimes about films, otherwise about work. He doesn't have her phone number, never emails her, etc. I tell him I don't believe him. He promises. I tell him that I'm going to log into his Facebook & look at his messages. I say that I'm just going to see who they're from - if she's not listed, I will apologise & drop it. I hear the panic rise in his voice.
I log in to find hundreds of messages between them. I managed to open enough to get the gist, but they miraculously start being deleted (despite no power?!). I point out the strangeness of this & he says (no word of a lie) 'I'm not deleting anything. There weren't any messages, what are you talking about? You're crazy.'
I mean really.
From what I gather, their relationship isn't / wasn't? sexual. Yet. But heavily, heavily flirtatious. Dozens of messages a day, with him talking to her like he spoke to me years ago. Calling her cute & saying that he'd gone on Facebook within 10 minutes of waking up to check for messages from her.
There were two mentions of me in the hundreds of things that I read. One that I had the car that day, & the other that he was still 'technically married, so Valentine's is meaningless' from about 6 weeks ago. Obviously not that meaningless if he was out with her all night that night. I didn't get so much as a 'Happy Valentine's Day' text.
On V Day, I didn't make myself dinner. I cooked for George & went hungry, because I'd got it into my pathetic head that he must be downplaying the whole thing for a reason - I thought that no text / card / anything would mean that he'd surprise me, maybe by bringing some nice food around after work or something. Instead he went out with her.
I feel like a complete twat. I don't even feel that angry with him, I just feel stupid & angry with myself. I should've seen it coming. & the funniest (!) bit? He's the one who's 'dumped' me, because he 'doesn't know who I am any more' because I looked at his Facebook. This from the man who stalked me here (probably still does!) when I was doing nothing but getting support from people who actually gave a shit. I even gave him several chances to talk to me about all of this - to tell the truth, to fight for me, to beg for forgiveness. I'd like to think that I'd have told him to fuck off, but I wouldn't. I would have listened again & put more of my heart & soul into something so destructive. At least his ridiculous indignation have saved me that 
I feel like he cheated on me sexually with the porn & now he's done it emotionally with her. It's two separate incidents which cover all bases. & I let it happen. & to be perfectly honest, I don't know how I'm going to keep strong when he inevitably comes crawling back. I know that he will, weeks or months down the line. I just hope that I've got myself together by then, because I'm in bits. My life is just Not Good right now. & my Grandma is still in hospital & nobody knows what's wrong with her... I know that that sounds a bit stupid & most people have lost grandparents by my age, etc, but I've not lost anyone. The funeral that I went to a couple of weeks ago was the first ever & I barely knew the man who died. He was a relative by marriage who I'd not seen for 13 years. I have never lost anybody close to me. Never. & that's terrifying, even without the rest of my world falling down.
& I fucking hate myself for considering him 'my world'. He's not even worthy. He's a cheating oxygen thief, & I know that. But I'm still crushed. It's stupid.
I'm seeing a counsellor on Wednesday. I'm going private despite being unable to afford it, because I can less afford to wait on the NHS list. I need to get my shit together now.
One other little dismal note before I leave for bed (I'm so sorry to everyone who reads this - really, just ignore me. It helps just to say it.) is that he defended (!) himself by saying 'we don't do Valentine's day - we never have'. I don't do Valentine's day because when I was 16 I had an early miscarriage having got pregnant from Valentine's day sex. He doesn't know that, so it's a bit unfair for me to hold that particular thing against him. But I'm going to anyway. I wanted looking after & cuddling & reassuring about everything. Instead, he was out with his secret mistress.
Wankstain.
Seriously, I'm sorry. I should just delete this, but I need it to be 'out there'. I need all of this to not be in my head. Nobody knows about how close we were getting, nor about the miscarriage dates. I'm seeing a friend tomorrow - the one who knows the most about any of this. That should help, I hope. But this helps. You don't have to reply - this helps as it is.
Love to you all, sorry I'm never here. I'm just like a little black raincloud at the moment. Things have to start getting better soon. xxx