How to deal with conflict over visitor's pets?

[imb123]

My partner and I both have grown up children of our own, none together. We have just moved into a new home together a long distance from our children. My partner's daughter and her partner have a dog and they want to bring the dog when they visit. I've made it clear that I don't want dogs in my home. My partner says that in that case they won't visit (at least not often) and she is very upset about that and holds me responsible. She says that her other children won't visit if her daughter doesn't. I feel awful. She wants family get-togethers on her birthday and at Christmas and these are now at risk apparently. Before we moved here my partner allowed the dog in her home when I was living there for a short time before we bought somewhere together and I felt very stressed with the dog wandering around. I understand that people are close to their pets and regard them as part of the family, but I don’t want to share a home with one. How on earth can this be resolved?

As a dog lover,
If you have a dog you can't expect everyone to want your dog in their house and you have to be prepared to make alternative arrangements when you go away.

and she is very upset about that and holds me responsible

and so would i

It sounds like the issue here is you don't want the dogs there at all, whereas your DP is more open to the idea.
Could you make a compromise? Have you a room or area of the house the dogs could stay? As a dog lover myself I would most people are likely to work with you if you can set reasonable ground rules before everyone visits to keep everyone happy.
At the same time, are they coming from far away? If its a long enough drive that they would be coming for a few days, its understandable they would want to bring the dogs. If they're 30 minutes away then there's little reason for them to need to bring the dogs with them.

I made it clear before we bought this home that I would not have dogs. My partner proceeded on that basis.

so you said

no dogs visit ever which rules out your family
and your partner said ok?

Are his family local or long distance?

Offer to find a dog sitter near your house for when they visit?

Or have one room in the house you're happy for them to be in?

Or just suck it up for a few visits?

Nothing like a bit of comprise for your partners loved ones!!
Relationships are about give and take, not your way or the highway.

If you agreed to move on the basis of a "no dogs" rule, it seems unreasonable of your partner to try to change this. Is there dog-friendly accommodation locally that her daughter could stay in?

But this was undoubtedly the time for the partner to ask for a compromise, not when the move has occurred.

I think this is something where there just isn't a compromise - what happens when you remind your DP of the agreement before you bought a home together? Have you actually committed to buying together or do you rent?

Then your DP needs to stop making you feel guilty, and tell her daughter she’s sorry but they’ll have to make arrangements for their dog to stay elsewhere.

The daughter (or other grown-up children) can host birthdays or family get togethers if the dog is an integral part of it.

Your dp conned you op. He placated you with a no ddog agreement.. Then expected you to bend to appease his dc. Yanbu to expect him to keep his word on this.

We have just moved into a new home together a long distance from our children. My partner's daughter and her partner have a dog and they want to bring the dog when they visit. I've made it clear that I don't want dogs in my home. My partner says that in that case they won't visit (at least not often) and she is very upset about that and holds me responsible.

They won’t visit often anyway, because your DP moved a long way away! It’s not just the dog.

Why did she agree to no dogs when you bought the house?

I have a dog. I visit family members and not all of them want to bring the dog, so he goes and stays with a dog sitter.

Does your partner's daughter never go on holiday? If she does, whar does she do with the dog then?

I'm surprised that she agreed to the 'no dog' rule, knowing that meant that her daughter and family would never visit her home.

OP refers to partner as 'She' and 'Her'.

She wouldn’t have.

if you read what the op says it’s fairly clear that the partner agreed to them not having a dog

A long distance from your partner

so they would have to pay kennels or a sitter to visit their dad

nice

Why are people assuming the DP is a man? It's clear in the OP that the partner is a woman. The way I read it the OP is a man and thinks that his wants over-ride his partners relationship with her children.

They may be adults but my DC would always come first.

I would not want dogs staying in my house, either.

When your partner agreed to the ‘no dogs’ proviso, what was the vision about family visits, given that they have dogs?

How is the financial situation? Could you afford to pay for a pet friendly AirBnB?

Are the dogs well trained? Stay off the furniture? Be confined to a room with hard floors? Crate trained?

Could you give it a try for a short visit and see how you feel?

I have a dog and have family members who have a no dog rule. In fact all 3 surviving parents. When we visit the dog either boards, or the adult in our family who isn’t the child of the people we’re visiting stays home with the dog.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and we’re the dog people in our wider families.

The thing is, as a dog owner I would never expect to take my dog to friends homes but I think it's different with parents. It's difficult and expensive to get dog sitters, we budget for it obviously when visiting friends or going on holiday, but it would have a massive impact on my relationship with parents if I couldn't take the dog as it would mean I would only be able to see them maybe twice a year.
Unless it's not house trained or there have been aggression issues, or allergy issues, I think YABU.
I would expect them to bring a dog crate with them and adhere to any rule you set, eg. No dog upstairs or on furniture, but I think you are having a major impact on your partner's relationship with his child by saying blanket no.
I also find it difficult to believe that your partner agreed to their child's dog not being allowed to ever visit before agreeing to move in together. I think there's either been cross communication or you've changed the narrative of that conversation to work for you.

Sorry skim read due to headache!