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Original poster

How to deal with conflict over visitor's pets?

273 replies

imb123 · 04/06/2023 11:12

My partner and I both have grown up children of our own, none together. We have just moved into a new home together a long distance from our children. My partner's daughter and her partner have a dog and they want to bring the dog when they visit. I've made it clear that I don't want dogs in my home. My partner says that in that case they won't visit (at least not often) and she is very upset about that and holds me responsible. She says that her other children won't visit if her daughter doesn't. I feel awful. She wants family get-togethers on her birthday and at Christmas and these are now at risk apparently. Before we moved here my partner allowed the dog in her home when I was living there for a short time before we bought somewhere together and I felt very stressed with the dog wandering around. I understand that people are close to their pets and regard them as part of the family, but I don’t want to share a home with one. How on earth can this be resolved?

OP posts:
NewUserName2023 · 04/06/2023 15:58

DH has a phobia of dogs (he was bitten as a child) and family members know this and so dont bring their dogs with them when they visit. If they don't like it then they don't visit. Or we meet elsewhere outside. Simple.

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2023 15:58

justgettingthroughtheday · 04/06/2023 15:54

@aSofaNearYou people have every right to few however they do!!!
You are the one trying to invalidate the daughters feelings!
It sounds like the daughter has accepted that the dog isn't welcome even if she's not happy about it.
It's the OP and his wife who don't want to accept that that means that the daughter won't be able to visit as often!

You're getting very offended by me not focusing on the exact same thing as you. I'm not trying to invalidate the daughters feelings. Most of my comments have been about the attitudes of people on here, not of the DD.

I disagree that anyone has a right to feel offended by people not wanting their pet in their house. I don't think people should expect that by default. I think it is manipulative to say things like "I hope you end up alone because you won't put your family before this", as well as pretty ironic.

I'm not the only person to say that. Calm down.

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2023 16:00

LadyMuckingabout · 04/06/2023 15:55

The emotional manipulation is by the OP. The dog was welcome before she moved away with OP. I don’t usually like to extrapolate but I agree that the next rule will be x, the next y, and no mucky grandchildren visiting will be z. In fact best of all no visitors at all.

That's not emotional manipulation. It was a condition that the partner was perfectly able to not agree to. Emotional manipulation would be "if you don't do this for me, you don't love me".

Successstory82 · 04/06/2023 16:01

stingypeasant · 04/06/2023 13:22

Why is it up to the OP to compromise and not the dog owners. The OP made her red line clear prior to buying the house. No one had to proceed if they were not willing to accept this.
If dogs need to come then they can surely all go out somewhere.

Show quote history

When we are talking about the partners’ CHILDREN

when are talking every time his CHILDREN went to visit him, they have to find a dog sitter or kennels

yep - I do think an element of compromise is appropriate

we aren’t taking about a cousin three times removed that lives around the corner

Fraaahnces · 04/06/2023 16:03

Your partner is being unfair. I am saying this as a dog lover. They have moved in and then changed the goal posts. They are being very manipulative. If the partner’s daughter is happy to go away without the dog when it suits, then that is how birthdays and holidays are going to have to be in your home. That was the agreement from the outset and you shouldn’t be badgered about this now.

justgettingthroughtheday · 04/06/2023 16:03

LadyMuckingabout · 04/06/2023 15:55

The emotional manipulation is by the OP. The dog was welcome before she moved away with OP. I don’t usually like to extrapolate but I agree that the next rule will be x, the next y, and no mucky grandchildren visiting will be z. In fact best of all no visitors at all.

I agree!

I really feel for the poor step daughter. I hope her mother sees sense and moves back to be nearer her daughter.

BBYBjorn · 04/06/2023 16:04

People who refuse to take shoes off i someone else's house are the same people who insist on bringing their dogs to other people's homes.

How is it so hard to respect other people's boundaries in their own home?

If you want to take the dog with you, it need to stay in the garden or meet in town. OP is within her rights to say no thank you to a dog especially if the other adult children are wanting to get them. ^

It's good to assert boundaries and not be trampled over like a doormat.^

Successstory82 · 04/06/2023 16:04

I’ll take a punt op

dog issue aside… you fundamentally don’t like these people and there’s “history”

I am right aren’t I?

Successstory82 · 04/06/2023 16:09

I made it clear before we bought this home that I would not have dogs

i read this as the partner said he wouldn’t get a dog in the new home

not that his children couldn’t visit unless they were in kernels or dog sitter

Successstory82 · 04/06/2023 16:11

I’d wager a lot that the OP doesn’t like his children and vice versa

theres been lots of family negative drama over the years

and the op using this as an excuse to never see them again

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2023 16:20

@Successstory82 It really feels like you are making that whole analysis up. Op has made it quite clear that they discussed not liking it when dogs were brought around before and that they wouldn't be doing that in their new house.

They've also said they feel dreadful about it upsetting their DP. There's really no reason at all to deduce that they're doing this deliberately to oust the child.

Successstory82 · 04/06/2023 16:24

Well I’d wager I’m right

you’d wager I’m wrong

🤷‍♀️

Successstory82 · 04/06/2023 16:25

I’d love to see where the op says she “feels dreadful” about to.

or even allude to that!!

justgettingthroughtheday · 04/06/2023 16:25

Successstory82 · 04/06/2023 16:24

Well I’d wager I’m right

you’d wager I’m wrong

🤷‍♀️

I agree with you!

Pumpkintopf · 04/06/2023 16:28

Why don't you want the dog op?
Allergies? Phobia? Or just don't want the mess/hair etc?

Makemyday99 · 04/06/2023 16:30

Successstory82 · 04/06/2023 16:11

I’d wager a lot that the OP doesn’t like his children and vice versa

theres been lots of family negative drama over the years

and the op using this as an excuse to never see them again

100%

CwmYoy · 04/06/2023 16:30

What next? When their children start having children will they not be allowed either?

Stupid question. Dogs are only dogs - not important, Children are little humans - important.

Ridiculous to equate the two. Barking mad.

Ponderingwindow · 04/06/2023 16:31

Your partner needs to realize that the child is being selfish by refusing to hire a pet sitter.

It is part of being a pet owner. We have to make arrangements for care when we want to travel.

Azerothi · 04/06/2023 16:42

I think the OPs girlfriend has been very manipulative by agreeing to not have dogs in the house but secretly saying it'll be ok, he didn't mean my children's dogs and telling her children this.
I think you should find out what else your girlfriend is intending on going back on.

creasedclothes · 04/06/2023 16:45

The default situation is no dogs.
The situation was discussed before buying home.
The Op mentions that the situation could just as easily be similar with biological daughter.
It's abusive and manipulative behaviour. The daughter needs to pay what is needed, either on kennels or dog friendly accommodation nearby. Their dog, they pay.
Don't give in OP or else you'll be putting up with dogs for years to come

AngelinaFibres · 04/06/2023 16:49

We had dogs for years. Never took them into town, into cafes or expected to take them to other peoples homes for any visit either daytime or overnight. If we were going away they went to kennels. If we have visitors who own dogs they have never ever asked to bring their dogs .It's an animal. Put it in kennels or get a dog sitter.

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2023 16:55

Successstory82 · 04/06/2023 16:24

Well I’d wager I’m right

you’d wager I’m wrong

🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't wager anything - I'm saying there's no evidence at all to support your "wager".

RedRiverSun · 04/06/2023 16:55

It sounds like your partner didn't think this through or didn't understand how steadfast you are. I think it's a very silly hill to die on and may cost you your relationship in the end. If the daughter lives far away she won't be getting a dog sitter every time she comes or she won't be coming very often. It's a very big expense. Your partner is going to have to choose between you and her children.

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2023 16:56

Successstory82 · 04/06/2023 16:25

I’d love to see where the op says she “feels dreadful” about to.

or even allude to that!!

She says that her other children won't visit if her daughter doesn't. I feel awful.

From the OP.

BBYBjorn · 04/06/2023 17:00

RedRiverSun · 04/06/2023 16:55

It sounds like your partner didn't think this through or didn't understand how steadfast you are. I think it's a very silly hill to die on and may cost you your relationship in the end. If the daughter lives far away she won't be getting a dog sitter every time she comes or she won't be coming very often. It's a very big expense. Your partner is going to have to choose between you and her children.

OP's DP would have to be completely batshit to break up with OP over a dog that isn't even hers...

at that point, the daughter needs to just be told to grow up and sort something out for HER dog. Totally ridiculous and selfish if the DD's demands ever led to that sort of choice.