How to deal with conflict over visitor's pets?

[imb123]

My partner and I both have grown up children of our own, none together. We have just moved into a new home together a long distance from our children. My partner's daughter and her partner have a dog and they want to bring the dog when they visit. I've made it clear that I don't want dogs in my home. My partner says that in that case they won't visit (at least not often) and she is very upset about that and holds me responsible. She says that her other children won't visit if her daughter doesn't. I feel awful. She wants family get-togethers on her birthday and at Christmas and these are now at risk apparently. Before we moved here my partner allowed the dog in her home when I was living there for a short time before we bought somewhere together and I felt very stressed with the dog wandering around. I understand that people are close to their pets and regard them as part of the family, but I don’t want to share a home with one. How on earth can this be resolved?

No-one has to provide any reason at all to not want dogs in their home. That's the default state.

The partner decided to move together being fully aware of that position.

It is selfish from adult children to expect their parent will limit their life and choice of future partners just because the children have decided to have a pet.

What difference does it make if it's your friend or your mum? It's someone else's house regardless, the dog will have the same impact, and they might equally not want a dog there. Yet you wouldn't "dream of" even asking a friend, yet would be outraged if your mum wouldn't allow it?

So you see that it is a big ask, yet you just expect your mum to want you there enough to suck it up?

Tell them you've given it some thought and are now cool with it. Have them over with open arms, and tell them their dog is amazing.

While they're there, secretly sniff some pepper to make you sneeze, rub some chopped onions in your eyes to make them red and weepy.

"Oh no! Maybe it's hayfever. I hope it's not an allergy to your lovely dog. Oh, it cleared up as soon as you left, I must be allergic. What a shame, you'll have to come without them next time, just as I was getting to know them."

Job done and you're not the bad guy 👍🏻

If having your own way is more important than relationships with family then crack right on

Personally I think your priorities are whack and I hope you reap in you old age what you’re sowing now.

You could very easily say the same about people who burn bridges with people who don't want them to bring their pet to their house.

@aSofaNearYou there is a huge difference between visiting your mum and a friend and if you can't see that then there is little point discussing it with you.
And at the point the dog became part of the daughters family the dog was welcome to visit. Presumably there was some discussion about the dog being welcome at that point.

Since then the OP has come on the scene. Has moved his wife and their lives hundreds of miles away and is now refusing to allow the daughters dog to visit.
These are all choices the OP has made not his step daughter! Yet the step daughter is the one to be negatively impacted by them.

It's always worth bearing in mind here that MN is littered with keyboard heroes that will tell you to draw a line in the sand and never give an inch.

Partner disagreement? Tell them to eff off and kick them out. Far better to live a life alone than have to compromise.
Partner's kid wants to bring their dog? Let them bring it and then give it some chocolate or other food that will make it ill or die.

Bitter fantasists that dish out advice they wouldn't follow themselves.

No, not really? If it's a massive imposition to ask your friend if your dog can come over, you should recognise it could be the same for your mum for the same reason.

And as OP said, they chose the house together, and under the explicit understanding that dogs wouldn't be welcome. His wife was not forced, she is trying to change things now.

@aSofaNearYou and if that is the case then the OPs wife will have to accept that the natural consequence of HER choice is that her daughter won't visit as much.
The daughter isn't blackmailing the mother. The mother has made a choice which has resulted in her daughter not being able to visit. The daughter has every right to feel hurt by that!

Can you really not understand that not everyone wants dogs in the house? Let alone the fact that you've no idea whether or not this dog is well behaved.

I think some people (not all people) can find it really hard to understand that things they don't mind are really disgusting to others. My SIL and her DP recently got a puppy and asked if they could do a flying visit, plus puppy, on the way somewhere else. Like mugs, we said ok, so long as the puppy wasn't allowed to create a mess. They turned up, immediately sat down in the garden and the puppy did a poo. It transpired that when we said 'don't let the puppy mess' they thought we meant 'don't let it shit in the house' rather than 'get it to do its business before you get here'. They were completely unable to understand that our DD goes around barefoot in the garden and we don't want her treading in remnants of dog poo in the lawn. To them it was totally obvious that the purpose of a lawn was for a doggy toilet.

Different strokes for different folks.

Hmmmm, if my mother moved away “Escape to the Country”-style (they are invariably second-time arounders) with her new partner who then banned my dog, I’d be having some very negative thoughts about their relationship.

i wouldn’t be surprised if the dp went along with the OP’s demands, secretly thinking they’d relent in the end.

And parent/child relationship IS different from that with friends/wider family. You do not expect a stiff invitation- based situation with your parent. Or maybe you do when they have a pole-up-their-arse new partner. How miserable. And how many other rules and regulations will be imposed?!

I think no dogs in the house is a totally normal rule! For friends and family alike - not sure everyone wants a dog in rooms or the garden, getting fur everywhere and using the toilet.

If you and your partner agreed to no dogs in the house before the move, that's what you agreed. The daughter (and siblings!) sound dramatic and a bit ridiculous to me - you're telling me they don't go anywhere at all without the dog? Not to work? The shops? Holidays? I find that impossible to believe!

No dogs means no dogs, if the daughter wants to kick up a fuss and decide not to visit because of this that's their decision 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, the my choice lies on her mum's shoulders - she's the one at fault for agreeing to it and then trying to change the deal.

But I don't agree that anyone should feel hurt that somebody doesn't want their dog in their house. When you get a dog, or indeed any pet, you should be accepting that you are adding inconvenience and expense to your own life - you will have to come up with a plan every time you want to go somewhere. You should not expect people to accommodate them and be offended if they don't want to.

Well, it’s not really all about the dog. It’s having a partner who is deciding on barriers to the dp’s dcs’ visits.

Surely a compromise (eg dog stays in the utility room) would be better than insisting on a full ban and causing a rift.

I think that what was in the past is less critical than what the future looks like. The OP's partner has moved a long way from their children (which is a sacrifice perhaps?) and has also always been fine with them visiting with their dog in their previous home. Now they are a long way away, they are faced with their children rarely seeing them, and that isn't ok for them. So everyone - and I mean everyone - talks this through and finds a compromise or the OP prepares for the inevitable separation that is coming. It is very unlikley that the OP's partner will be happy about hardly seeing their children, and I would be very surprised if a partner trumps seeing their children.

@aSofaNearYou well you are seriously lacking in the empathy department then!
People like the OP (and clearly yourself) need to be aware of the fact that the choices they make do have an impact both in what other people are able to do and how they feel.

The daughter got the dog when the mother was happy to have the dog in the house. Having change thrust upon her without her having any control over it will have a negative impact on how she feels about her mother and the OP. If you can't see that you are a fool.

Exhibit a

Entitled  dog owner

It’s an odd conversation to have before moving in together tbh which makes me doubt the sincerity of it; I’ve lived with 3 partners & at no point during our discussions did either of us ever state we’ll move in together as long as no dogs can ever come into the house, just doesn’t sound right. I think it’s more to do with relationship with daughter than the dog & that’s just an excuse

Quite probably. My mum had a dog and it’s needs and wants outweigh mine, that is made quite clear!!

Ah bloomin heck , she has a dog it’s very much alive (and still jumping up at me and weeeing in my daughters bed if it gets in the room despite being four). I’m the unreasonable one for not wanting my legs lacerating obviously.

Exactly! It reeks of the OP being controlling tbh! If this was my mother I would be seriously concerned!

What next? When their children start having children will they not be allowed either?

On the contrary, in my opinion, it lacks empathy to refuse to see why others might not want your pet in their house and accuse them of not caring about you enough. This is really shitty behaviour imo.

I can see why the daughter is disappointed the situation has changed, if that's what you're determined to have me say, but strongly disagree that anyone should be offended or take it as a comment on how much people love them. This is emotional manipulation.

@aSofaNearYou people have every right to few however they do!!!
You are the one trying to invalidate the daughters feelings!
It sounds like the daughter has accepted that the dog isn't welcome even if she's not happy about it.
It's the OP and his wife who don't want to accept that that means that the daughter won't be able to visit as often!

The emotional manipulation is by the OP. The dog was welcome before she moved away with OP. I don’t usually like to extrapolate but I agree that the next rule will be x, the next y, and no mucky grandchildren visiting will be z. In fact best of all no visitors at all.