How to deal with conflict over visitor's pets?

[imb123]

My partner and I both have grown up children of our own, none together. We have just moved into a new home together a long distance from our children. My partner's daughter and her partner have a dog and they want to bring the dog when they visit. I've made it clear that I don't want dogs in my home. My partner says that in that case they won't visit (at least not often) and she is very upset about that and holds me responsible. She says that her other children won't visit if her daughter doesn't. I feel awful. She wants family get-togethers on her birthday and at Christmas and these are now at risk apparently. Before we moved here my partner allowed the dog in her home when I was living there for a short time before we bought somewhere together and I felt very stressed with the dog wandering around. I understand that people are close to their pets and regard them as part of the family, but I don’t want to share a home with one. How on earth can this be resolved?

I’m finding this hoopla mystifying. If a host doesn’t want your dog in their house, you don’t bring it, end of. Why can’t the adult children respect their parents’/parents’ partners house rules?

It would never occur to most people to bring their pet to someone else’s house if it wasn’t welcome! Pets are a big responsibility and that includes organizing pet sitting when needed, end of.

Exactly. When I got a cat, I had to accept that that meant going away for more than a day would be a bit of a PITA and I'd have to find someone to look after them. The main reason I wouldn't consider getting a dog, is that I don't want to have to do that for single days, as well.

That's just what you are bringing into your life when you get a pet.

But for the zillionth time the dog owner is the daughter of the partner, not just a friend or second-division relative. And this rule is only being implemented in the new, far-away newly-joint home of parent and OP.

PP right in that this rule had better be for OP’s own dc’s dogs as well as partner’s… (OP mentioned their own dc might be getting a dog.) It’s not on if Sophie’s Fido is banned but Katie’s Rover is lounging on the sofa because it’s OP’s own dd’s dog and well, that’s different …

You are right, I am projecting or at least making assumptions. Since the dog was allowed in their previous home I assumed this didn’t come about because they suddenly became allergic or frightened of the dog. I assumed their reluctance is because they moved into a brand spanking new home an the OP has already mentioned how they will need to redecorate once it starts showing wear.

Unfortunately they probably won’t be able to compromise as it’s a very black or white situation. I do think OPs DP will start to become resentful though when she realises that her DD won’t be able to join them for Christmas etc. DPs DD will most likely also become resentful as she realises her mum puts a partners wish to exclude her dog before their relationship.

Maybe the OP just had to tolerate the dog as it wasn't their home, but was unhappy about that?

It's still funny how many here call for a compromise, but their idea of compromise is that the dog come into the house.
It is absurd how many adults expect their parents to limit their private lifes just because the said adults aren't able or willing to resolve their own dogs.
What if the dog owners just wished their parents a good luck in their life, respect the dog isn't invited and put in a bit of effort to visit anyway?

I can’t see the relevance of nursery fees unless the scenario was the OP not wanting any children in her home so the partner’s children has to put their child in to nursery over a weekend in order to visit.

You have kids knowing there will be times and places you won't be allowed to bring them and you will have to shell out for childcare. The same is true of dogs. For children, it's generally work. For dogs, it's often other people's houses.

So we are thinking work and parent/child relations are the same? Added to which parental leave by law, so work accepts that child trumps them if the situation so calls for it.

Look, people keep saying "but this is their PARENTS house" as if that makes it fundamentally different, but to me it doesn't. If you accept that friends etc are within their rights to not want a dog in their house, the same should be true of parents. Otherwise, you're really just taking advantage of the closeness of that relationship.

It should be second nature to a pet owner to make provisions when you go somewhere rather than assume you can bring them. Much like it is with parents and work. Yes it's not an exact analogy as work and personal relationships are the same, but the principle is the same.

@Tenacioustattle Both DH and I live fairly far from our parents and we’ve never brought our dog on visits. Many pets dislike traveling anyway, our dog gets anxious and has to have anti-anxiety meds on long drives! He’s far happy going to our pet sitters’ house.

I was close to my Dad, but I never took my dog to his home as he wasn't a dog person. Didn't alter my closeness with him. We just found other ways to see him or got a dog sitter and went without the dog.

You got me! 😂 We can drive there as well though, it would take all day.

Tbh, I wouldn’t take our dog on even a two-hour journey, he hates it. I appreciate that not all dogs are like that.

Yes. I have parents, too.

No, that isn't true. You don't speak for everybody that has a close relationship with their children or parents. I show my parents the same consideration I would my friends. I don't do things in their house that I wouldn't dream of doing in other people's houses.

@Tenacioustattle Bloody hell that quote you dredged up was from absolutely ages ago, how far did you scroll to prove that point?

Obviously I'm aware there's a difference between children and friends. I'm saying that doesn't really make any difference to whether you should be cheeky and insist you can bring your dogs when they don't want dogs in their house.

I wonder how many others would regard their friends and children as the same when it came to long distance visits and a dog

Loads of people? Hence the divide of opinion on this thread!