How to deal with conflict over visitor's pets?

[imb123]

My partner and I both have grown up children of our own, none together. We have just moved into a new home together a long distance from our children. My partner's daughter and her partner have a dog and they want to bring the dog when they visit. I've made it clear that I don't want dogs in my home. My partner says that in that case they won't visit (at least not often) and she is very upset about that and holds me responsible. She says that her other children won't visit if her daughter doesn't. I feel awful. She wants family get-togethers on her birthday and at Christmas and these are now at risk apparently. Before we moved here my partner allowed the dog in her home when I was living there for a short time before we bought somewhere together and I felt very stressed with the dog wandering around. I understand that people are close to their pets and regard them as part of the family, but I don’t want to share a home with one. How on earth can this be resolved?

100% the dog owners problem. I would not want a dog in my home - ever. If they wish to visit they will have to make arrangements for their dog to be looked after somewhere else, not impose it on you.
Stand by your guns OP.

Dogs aren’t ‘more important’ than parents. They have specific needs that their owners are responsible for meeting. They can’t necessarily be chucked into kennels and if the OP is allowed not to want dogs in their house, dog owners are allowed not to want strangers unsupervised in their homes (dog sitters.)

This. I am shocked by the majority of responses on here.

Daughter and siblings are being very manipulative here.

Oh rubbish it's controlling.
It is perfectly fine for a non dog lover to not want dogs in their house. The DP agreed on the move on that basis.
The children need to use dog sitters or stay somewhere near that's dog friendly.
Or you visit them instead.

OP’s partner agreed to this before they bought the house. And OP’s partner doesn’t want any dogs in their new home either.

As an owner of several dogs I wouldn’t expect someone to put my dogs up for the night although that would never happen & I wouldn’t particularly want someone else’s dog in my home BUT if they were visiting from a distance & it prevents them coming otherwise then I wouldn’t mind if the dog was well behaved & house trained especially as she’s your partners daughter. I bet you wouldn’t say no if it was your child bringing a dog

No because the dogs are dependent on their owners the parents are not!

It's the parents making the decision the dogs are not welcome. Which is fine but the natural consequence of that might well be fewer or no visits from their children.

For a lot of dogs it's not a simple as shutting them in kennels or dumping them on a dog sitter!

Have you any idea how much it costs to find care for dogs?
You have moved away which presumably will add significant expense for your partners daughter to come to visit.
Then you refuse to allow them to being the dog further adding expense.
Perhaps they can't afford it.

I factor in the cost of dog care when I go on holiday. I have to book it in over a year in advance.

You could be forcing the daughter to make big compromises on all sorts of things because of your decision to move away and in with your partner.

It affects more than you!

I can’t imagine visiting my parents without our dogs their family. I wouldn’t expect my friends to allow my dogs but my parents I would.

But "I'll only move in with you if your daughters dogs don't come (therefore you won't see your daughter as much" isn't emotional blackmail? Interesting

I forsee a hellish time in the future with a dozen or more animals roaming my home if we give way now.
catastrophic much?? Are you always this dramatic? She shouldn’t have moved in with you, that much is clear and she may well change her mind. Personally I would let her daughter bring the dog. Message chat to your Dc and say so partners daughter has always brought her dog to visit her mum so that will be continuing, but don’t get the wrong idea- I still hate animals and wont welcome any extra pets tagging along with you on visits!

i am not a dog person, or an animal person. I am so clearly not a dog person that in laws looking for people to dogsit and have had their plans fall through wouldn’t dream of asking me because they would get a no. I can still make exceptions- good friends old dog was unwell, terminal, and they didn’t go anywhere without him. Please bring him that will be fine was our response. Is your refusal to have a pet in your house ever more important than your relationship? If so, carry on, happy in the knowledge that your partners relationship with her child and what her child thinks of you is irretrievably soured. She shouldn’t have moved in with you but you shouldn’t have made that condition either; you should have planned to make an exception or not moved in with her as you couldn’t do so without driving a wedge between her and her child. Your moving in anyway, knowing that, is not really love is it? It’s certainly not putting her welfare in any way above yours, and that’s a bad sign for her in this relationship.

This.

It's absolutely ridiculous and incredibly entitled when people kick off about not being allowed to bring their dogs to people's homes.

I don't dislike dogs, but you should expect not to bring them unless they've offered.

OP is not being controlling or unreasonable. People are allowed to have their own boundaries. Indeed it is healthy to do so. Dogs have a very big presence in a house and it's perfectly reasonable to find that presence aversive. She did the right thing with clarity before buying. Her DP seems not to have explored all the consequences of what she was agreeing to. That's sad but not the OP's fault. OP just visit that daughter instead of them visiting you. It doesn't have to mean less contact.

To the person who suggested I'm controlling, don't you think you have a too little evidence upon which to make such a judgement? The fact is, if it had been my sole decision we wouldn't have bought this house. It's a new build and as such needs window covers, light fittings, new furniture and will need decorating when all the cracks appear. My views on these things seem are very different from my partners' and are unlikely to matter much. The dog thing isn't about control, it's about emotions.

Our visitors do not bring their dogs. I wouldn’t have it. Our cat would be petrified if they did and before having our cat I wouldn’t have had other peoples dogs in my house either.

So OP's DP shouldn't have moved in with him.

My children would also come first, but I wouldn't expect someone to have dogs in their home if they didn't want to. So I would have kept my own home where my children and their dogs were welcome.

You can't expect OP to change the way he lives to suit his DP, if you are thinking she shouldn't have to make changes for him.

I don't understand why there is so much 'upset' and drama about this. My partner's parents and sibling have dogs, they all live several hours away from us so when they visit it always involves a few overnights. We cannot have dogs in the house because we have cats. It was never an issue, they leave the dogs with a sitter. There's a simple answer and no need for anyone to be upset.

I love dogs and I am a dog owner, but I wouldn't insist on bringing him along to someone's house if they were not okay with it.

They either have to find a dog sitter or find an Airbnb near you when they come visit and stay there instead of your house.

Actually, I think your DP is being unreasonable here for being upset after she agreed to no dog role knowing her DC will likely not visit without her dog.

Yes, but if i have to find dog care and possibly pay for it every time i want to visit my mum, i would probably not visit often tbh.

Why is your day in your home more important than your partner's?

If she has always allowed the dog ot puts her in a very difficult situation.

They can't just leave the dog at home for extended periods

I also understand why you might not want the dog.

Can you reach a compromise?
Eg the dog can come but has to stay in one room ?

I can understand both sides tbh. My dad doesn't like dogs either and says he has an allergy so no dogs are allowed in his home or near him for any length of time. Not sure he is really allergic but it works!

Why is it up to the OP to compromise and not the dog owners. The OP made her red line clear prior to buying the house. No one had to proceed if they were not willing to accept this.
If dogs need to come then they can surely all go out somewhere.

@Newusernameaug I made it clear before we bought this home that I would not have dogs. My partner proceeded on that basis.

Nothing like a bit of comprise for your partners loved ones!! Relationships are about give and take, not your way or the highway.

Why is it the OP that you feel should be making the compromise and not the dog owners?

I read it that both OP and her partner are women

Do you have space in the garden to build a cost shed/kennel with a run? The sort
of place most dogs are used to at kennels? It could be a good compromise/investment in the future and mean everyone can visit without tracking up big bills. . . .