How to deal with conflict over visitor's pets?

[imb123]

My partner and I both have grown up children of our own, none together. We have just moved into a new home together a long distance from our children. My partner's daughter and her partner have a dog and they want to bring the dog when they visit. I've made it clear that I don't want dogs in my home. My partner says that in that case they won't visit (at least not often) and she is very upset about that and holds me responsible. She says that her other children won't visit if her daughter doesn't. I feel awful. She wants family get-togethers on her birthday and at Christmas and these are now at risk apparently. Before we moved here my partner allowed the dog in her home when I was living there for a short time before we bought somewhere together and I felt very stressed with the dog wandering around. I understand that people are close to their pets and regard them as part of the family, but I don’t want to share a home with one. How on earth can this be resolved?

You are more than entitled to make that decision and she needs to get a grip and get someone to watch her dog or put it in kennels. Its extremely entitled to expect people just to be happy with you taking a dog to stay. I've never once done it with ours.

*Loads say that their child would not be allowed to visit if they were long distance and wanted to bring their dog?

I must have missed that!*

Er, yes. Have you read the thread?

Or rather, loads have said the dog wouldn't be allowed to come, or they would never ask their parents if they can bring their dog.

Nobody has specifically said the child cannot come, but they cannot bring the dog.

*I can’t see the relevance of nursery fees unless the scenario was the OP not wanting any children in her home so the partner’s children has to put their child in to nursery over a weekend in order to visit.

most odd*

@Tenacioustattle

Your post doesn't make sense. The point of nursery fees was raised because parents don't ferry their children everywhere because it costs money to have them looked after. We suck it up and pay.

Similarly, if your dog isn't welcomed in a swimming pool, a nightclub, in the workplace or in other people's homes, you also need to pay. It's just part of having another being that is dependent on you, like a child.

And it costs considerably less than childcare, so cost isn't an excuse not to.

Actually, going back to the very title of the thread, the OP say’s “visitor’s” pets. “Visitor” being the OP’s partner’s dd. I would be surprised if the partner viewed her dd as a “visitor”. Says it all, really.

Such a reach. Anybody that doesn't live there is a visitor. Some people on here are so incredibly defensive about their children.

Jesus that’s grasping at straws I’d see that as a turn of phrase I’d call my mum a visitor

it’s very simple the dog owner respects the wish of whoever doesn’t want the dog in the house
and make a choice if the dog or mother is more important to her

And others seem to regard their child as being as important to them as a work colleague or a long distance friend.

No, they don't. You can keep saying that all you want but it doesn't make it true. We just don't all think that closeness to a person makes any difference to whether you should respect them not wanting dogs in their house.

*each to their own

but I know what kind of parent I had and I know how much I loved having that feeling of being at my parents home as an adult. Comfortable and back in the warm embrace of parental love.
and my children will have the same
sure as heck over a partner*

I feel exactly the same with my parents and would if they didn't want me to bring my pet.

that seems to piss you off. Sorry

It wasn't even your comment I was responding to there, why are you apologising? In any case, I'm the person whose stance is that people need to calm down and stop viewing admission of their dogs as a reflection of how much people care about them. I don't think the person wailing "but these are their CHILDREN!!" is the person in a position to lecture others about not getting offended.

Op, I’m not a dog lover or even fan. I have a bit of OCD and find the idea they’re sitting their unwashed bums and feet on my floors, or slobbering over my sofa really 🤢
however I love my family . As I’m getting laser it’s vital for me to maintain and strengthen family bonds. (I’m on my own) . If I don’t accept pets in my house I’d simply not see them so much, and that would affect me deeply

so, I have a compromise. The dogs can come in. They’re restricted to only non carpeted floors, they bring their beds and are taken for long walks to wear them out and poop before they arrive, so they’ll generally settle quickly and sleep on their beds. They’re not allowed into my garden if we’re not actually sitting outside, as I don’t want wee and poo in my garden, so they need to go along the road if they need to relieve themselves.

I have got better with my OCD anxiety pies over the years. I do no have a water bowl and tray I’ll put out for them, and will ac tally reapsnalbly comfortable do some doggy sitting in THEIR home in an emergency

but, I do pick up the vacuum and mop as soon as they exit. I know I will be doing this. It’s the price I pay for seeing my family often and is worth the enojoyment I derive from that

think about if you can , too , restrict their movements in your house, allocating only certain areas, block off with child gates etc if needed. It’s your partners house as well, so reaching a compromise is best thing. You will be putting a barrier between her and her family if you don’t, and whist she agreed in principle up front, she clearly now realising the full impact and it won’t be a tenable choice for her.

Wise post @Appleofmyeye2023 . A worn-out dog is the very best guest!

The OP doesn't want a dog in her house. I wouldn't either.

And?

When I had a dog I never took her to my parents or in laws.

Although they do that very thing when they go on holiday

I can't believe this attitude. Plenty of people don't want dogs in their house. Any dogs.

Hard one. I'm completely with you on not wanting dogs round, I wouldn't either. especially as it sounds like in this case it would need to be an all day/overnight thing. If you wanted dogs around like that you'd own one!

Then again it is her daughter and maybe she'd struggle getting it looked after, and feels that's not a problem she's willing to take on for your sake when she's already making the effort to travel to see you, and her own parent isn't even bothered!

Dogs can't be left so I think if she genuinely can't get a friend to care for it as a favour, I'd offer to pay for her dog sitter/walker. Throw money at the problem!

Doesn't sound like it to me. Sounds like she doesn't like mess and slobber and dog hair. And her house stinking of dog. And things being ruined or little accidents. Perfectly normal.

But the OP isn’t living by herself, quite rightly deciding that she doesn’t want a dog in the house. She is risking discord with her partner by being completely inflexible over this. The OP can stick to her guns, but her partner equally can say that it is important to them that the dd can visit without restrictions, ESPECIALLY since it is the OP and parent who have chosen to move far away.

Yes the partner could do that, but they'd be going back on the agreement they made prior to moving in together, and this behaving unreasonably.

How petulant is that.' my dog can't come so I won't come '
When are dog owners going to realise that not everyone loves their dog.

YABU. Why can dogs not visit? I say this as someone who is a bit anxious around them, if I know that the dog is well behaved and has good owners, I do allow my friends to bring over their dogs.

Unless it's allergies, I can't understand it at all. Of course she'll visit less if she has to arrange a dog sitter every time she wants to see her parent.