How to deal with conflict over visitor's pets?

[imb123]

My partner and I both have grown up children of our own, none together. We have just moved into a new home together a long distance from our children. My partner's daughter and her partner have a dog and they want to bring the dog when they visit. I've made it clear that I don't want dogs in my home. My partner says that in that case they won't visit (at least not often) and she is very upset about that and holds me responsible. She says that her other children won't visit if her daughter doesn't. I feel awful. She wants family get-togethers on her birthday and at Christmas and these are now at risk apparently. Before we moved here my partner allowed the dog in her home when I was living there for a short time before we bought somewhere together and I felt very stressed with the dog wandering around. I understand that people are close to their pets and regard them as part of the family, but I don’t want to share a home with one. How on earth can this be resolved?

Yes, the OP’s DP is a woman, which is clear in the OP.

We do not know whether the OP is a man or a woman.

Because on the balance of probability an anonymous poster is heterosexual. Fact. So reasonable assumption

I don’t want dogs in my home and I wouldn’t expect visitors to bring theirs. You’re not being unreasonable. She’s being ridiculous.

I didn't say they weren't heterosexual. I think the poster is a man and it is the woman who wants her daughter to visit.

Calling them a "visitor" is also a bit odd. It's her daughter not an old work colleague or something.

Have you looked for dog friendly accommodation near you? A B&B that accepts dogs? Will you accept their dog in your garden and one room during the day while they visit?

^This.

its a bait and switch and now they're ganging up on you. no dogs fine, oh I didn't mean THAT dog. who do the siblings think they are? the whole thing sounds like emotional blackmail.

I love dogs but if someone says no to dogs in their home you should always respect that. This is your home, not a free venue for their parties whenever the mood takes them and you can lump it. Yes its your partners house too but she agreed this in order for you to buy together, remind her of her short memory.

The daughter needs to get over herself and find a dogsitter, and the siblings should keep their beaks out. If your partner cares more about a random dog than your wishes in your own home and has enlisted flying monkeys to try to strongarm you I'd be seriously thinking about a future living with them TBH.

You agreed no dogs and she knew that, so tough on her. People with cats don’t expect to visit and bring them everywhere, it’s always dogs. Personally I don’t mind our parents visiting with their dog but not for more than a few hours but anyone else is a hard no. Your partner really shouldn’t be trying to go back on what you agreed. It’s not your fault her kid is so precious about her dog that she just has to bring it.

I’d never expect to take my dog when I visit friends. I wouldn’t expect to take them to visit family. I wouldn’t expect to take my dog to see my parents if they lived within 90 minutes drive. I would expect to take my dog to visit my parents if they lived 3 hours + from me. If I couldn’t, I wouldn’t be able to go to see them more than once a year.

I can understand to a degree what you don't want dogs in your home. That's fine but you are in a relationship with someone whose daughter does have dogs.
If my mum got in a relationship with someone who then demanded I didn't bring my dogs with me when I visited - that would severely damage my relationship with my mum and end my relationship with her partner.
I certainly wouldn't make any effort to visit. My dogs can't be kennelled or just dumped on a pet sitter.

By all means refuse to compromise but be prepared for your partner to leave and choose her daughter over you. Or be held responsible and resented for your inability to compromise.

It is both lovely that your partner feels that strongly about you they agreed to an ultimatum. It is also a shame you don't feel as strongly about them to compromise occasionally so they can spend time with their own children.

Relationships where this is this off balance of compromise or one party feels it is ok to give major ultimatums on minor issues are rarely healthy.

Oh give over everyone trying to make to OP accept dogs in her house. No dogs in my house either. Kennels are that way >

My dog died recently and people still assume they can bring their pets into my home. It’s been three weeks and I’ve already been asked to dog sit and had friends Rock up with pets. It’s very insensitive!!

When he was alive he stayed home or went to a friends as we dog sat each others when away - why don’t the siblings look after the dog so she can visit?

If I couldn’t take my dog with me to visit my parents, who live 3 hours away, I wouldn’t visit. They would just have to visit me.

My partner understands how I feel and did agree to a "no dogs" rule, but I can't expect her to hide her upset from me. This is coming between us and I think it's not fair of her daughter to do this. That she is upset upsets me. I feel it's a lose-lose situation. A few more facts are relevant. My partner also doesn't want dogs in the house but is prepared to accomodate her daughter. Looking to the future, with 6 adult children between us, I know two of them are likely to get dogs in the future, including my youngest daughter, and maybe more will. We can't allow one dog to visit and not the others, perhaps all at the same time! My daughter grew up mainly in her mother's home with two dogs and cats too! Perhaps she will have the same. I forsee a hellish time in the future with a dozen or more animals roaming my home if we give way now.

Could you offer to pay for kennels or a dog sitter for the dog? Obviously it won't work for every dog, but would be a compromise, and might enable the child with the dog to visit more often than they otherwise would.

Realistically, though, if you've moved away, how often are they going to be able to visit regardless?

Can it not just be in one room? Use a baby gate or something, it doesn’t have to be wandering around.

I suppose it depends on how far away etc they live in terms of them leaving the dog in their house.

@Postapocalypticcowgirl why should they pay for the kennel?? What new level of entitlement is this??

And another consideration is that my partner's daughter and partner are content to go awy away without the dog when it suits them. It's not like they can't bear to be parted from it.

My partner also doesn't want dogs in the house but is prepared to accomodate her daughter.

The daughter shouldn’t pressurise their mother. It is unfair of her. But your partner shouldn’t make you feel guilty. That’s unfair of her.

I don’t want dogs in my house especially other peoples. And I’ve had dogs in the house in the past, much loved but now gone. Current dog is an outside model.

Would a high quality dog run in the garden work? With an indoor area and run with interesting things in? The indoor area can be heated. The relatives will have the dog near them but the house would remain dog free. It could be expensive though

Kennels aren’t an option for lots of dog owners. My ex’s parents lived 6 hours+ away. If they’d had this rule he’d have flown down for a couple of nights max in the summer while I stayed at home with the dogs. That’s why I suggested the OP looks for dog friendly accommodation nearby.

Nw22 · Today 12:08
If I couldn’t take my dog with me to visit my parents, who live 3 hours away, I wouldn’t visit. They would just have to visit “

Why? They’re more important to you than your parents?

My partner's intention is not to make me feel guitly. She wouldn't do that. But, I don't expect her to hide now upset she is.

Yet you expect to set the rules. You sound very controlling. This doesn't bode well.