How to deal with conflict over visitor's pets?

[imb123]

My partner and I both have grown up children of our own, none together. We have just moved into a new home together a long distance from our children. My partner's daughter and her partner have a dog and they want to bring the dog when they visit. I've made it clear that I don't want dogs in my home. My partner says that in that case they won't visit (at least not often) and she is very upset about that and holds me responsible. She says that her other children won't visit if her daughter doesn't. I feel awful. She wants family get-togethers on her birthday and at Christmas and these are now at risk apparently. Before we moved here my partner allowed the dog in her home when I was living there for a short time before we bought somewhere together and I felt very stressed with the dog wandering around. I understand that people are close to their pets and regard them as part of the family, but I don’t want to share a home with one. How on earth can this be resolved?

Cosy kennel not cost!

Do you never go on holiday without your dogs? Why is using a dog sitter 'dumping'?

I'm with you Op, no way would I have someone else's dog in my house & certainly wouldn't have them staying over. Can your partner not visit her DD at her house, so that the dog doesn't need to stay at yours?

I have 2 dogs. No way am I so self centred and entitled that I think the world needs to accommodate my lifestyle choices. My dogs = my problem.

I am not unsympathetic. I note there is already a bit of friction regarding your new home.

I suppose the answer could be that your partner celebrates some events closer to your last home.

We use a mixture of dog sitters and travelling with our dog. My parent and ILs like us to travel to them and expect regular visits - we certainly couldn't stretch to a dog sitter for every visit so we'd end up seeing less of them.

The OP's not forcing anyone to do anything.

All they want is not to have dogs in their house.

A position the OP made crystal-clear before moving in with their partner. Everyone else, particularly the partner, made or can make their own decisions knowing the OP's position.

Have your DP's other children actually said that they will visit less often because one sibling will visit less often, or is she catastrophising? Could she have a conversation with her DC about it? Did her DC visit a lot before this move?

You have moved in together presumably on the explicit basis that she accepted that you wouldn't have a dog in the house. I assume that you would not have chosen to live with her had she not agreed to this. So in that sense it's unfair that you have made a big, expensive life change on particular expectations and now she is trying to change those expectations. On the other hand, she probably didn't fully think through the consequences of her agreement and now realises that she also would not have made her life change had she known that this would happen.

Ask her what her plan is going forward, the choices roughly are 1) you are unhappy, 2) she is unhappy, 3) you stop living together. If you both think hard there may be a middle way, perhaps you could go away for a short break while the DD is visiting, perhaps your partner could visit her DD instead, perhaps there is a dog-friendly holiday rental or Air BnB near you.

@stingypeasant I rarely go away without the dogs no. They both have significant needs which I would trust few people to meet properly. I have a friend who I leave them with who is a professional dog sitter but her diary is usually booked up along way in advance (she's fully booked until after Christmas now). A weekend for two dogs would over £100. And that's mates rates.

I'm not a high earner. In fact I'm barely earning as I'm going through cancer treatment.

So if I couldn't take the dogs to visit with my mum I simply wouldn't be able to go. Both due to lack of availability and lack of money

I have a dog. Having to pay for a dog sitter or kennels whenever I want to visit my mum would limit the amount of times per year I could come and stay because dog sitters and kennels can be expensive.

Nope, this is something you can’t compromise on. You can state where you like lines and the person can agree or not which they did. I would not allow dogs to visit my home either, not even to stay in one room.

if the daughter dans go away and leave the dogs then they can do the same for you

@BluePoolNoodle

Leaving the dog in kennels or with a dog sitter once or twice a year for a holiday is one thing. Putting them in kennels several times a year to visit parents soon becomes very expensive. If I was the daughter, I would accept and respect OP's decision but it would cut down the number of times I visit my mother.

I don’t think you can say the daughter is unfair, she’s not. I’m confused at pp saying the dog owner should compromise or not be so self centred but from what I can see she’s just stating a fact. You’ve said no dog. So her options are pay for a dog sitter or don’t come.
so now she will pay for a dog sitter sometimes and chose not to come other times. It’s just logistics that it won’t be as easy to come as often since she has to arrange alternative care for her dog.

unless you live only an hour or so away now in which case I agree it’s ridiculous and they should be able to leave the dog for 3-4 hours occasionally.

since you’re the ones who moved further away, Perhaps you can visit her instead the times in between though.

I think if the OP's partner agreed before they bought the house that there would be no dogs, then that's that. It is not fair to expect the OP to go back on the agreement. And it's for the OP's partner to have this conversation with the adult daughter and to explain that this was a prior agreement. It's certainly not on to start guilt-tripping the OP after the fact.

I quite like dogs, but I don't want one in my house, and I especially don't want one crapping in my garden.

Are people seriously supposed to choose their residence on the basis of convenience for a partner's ADULT children? And factor in those adults' choice to get a pet which cannot easily be left overnight?

As others have said, there’s a world of difference between visiting friends who don’t like dogs, and your own mother. Of course I would never dream of even asking to take my dog to a friend’s, but my mum?!

My parents are long gone, but if they had remarried and the new partner didn’t want a normal (not vicious/incontinent etc) dog there it would be awful.

And makes me wonder if the partner would also object to grandchildren visiting too…

There ruling themselves out they don’t have to bring the dog

i wouldn’t have a dog over my door step and it’s bare hoop on my furniture and floor

the problem is dog owner get very entitled and expect everyone to welcome there dog in there home

Setting aside what was said/agreed previously, people change their minds, what doesn't seem important one day can become important when circumstances change or realisation dawns.

If you don't give some ground on this, you are putting your relationship at risk regardless of whether your partner is largely 'at fault'.

I think it's quite reasonable to not want dogs in your house. I wouldn't have a dog in my house, they would worry my existing pets.

How far away are we talking? Would you accept dogs in the garden? A nearby airbnb that accepts dogs? How often are they visiting anyway?

What is the issue? Possible smell? Dog hair? Dogs on furniture? Are you afraid of dogs? Perhaps if you can highlight why you don't want dogs in the home you can compromise. For example not on the furniture, youe DP makes sure to clean up thoroughly once they've gone

Some houses are also just not really suitable for dogs.

@kingtamponthefurred no people are free to do what the hell they please in terms of where they live.
But if you make choices that make it difficult for their adult children to visit. Then they can hardly complain when their children don't visit and their relationship with them suffers.

I have 2 dogs but I would never expect to bring them to someone else's house if I was visiting least of all a house where someone does not want dogs. What does the daughter do if she wants to go to on holidays or a weekend away?

You made an agreement BEFORE you moved in and your OH is going back on that because her daughter is threatening her, sounds like a real selfish cow to me. Either the dog comes or you don't see us. Brass neck she has.

What is the reason for not wanting dogs in your house? I would find it very hard not to be pissed off if the sole reason was eg, being ultra houseproud. Id find that incredibly uptight and I'd be annoyed that someone put furnishings above family.

Dogsitter is an option of course, but it costs a lot of money and I wouldn't fancy spending out on one of those every time I wanted to see my family. Especially if it was them that had chosen to move away.

I don't understand the people giving you a hard time. We have a no dogs rule here as well and people respect it. As it happens it's due to allergies but that's beside the point.

You both agreed on no dogs. If her DD wants to sulk about it then let her.

Of course you’re being totally selfish and unreasonable, what on earth is wrong with a well-behaved dog wandering about?

Allergies? Hair getting everywhere? Smell? Chewing things? The fact that somebody that reacts like this about the perfectly normal phenomenon of not being able to take their pet to somebody else's house is unlikely to be honest about how well behaved their dog is?

And you were the one who chose to get a dog, thereby putting everyone you know in the position where they need to be happy to have them in their house to prove how much they care about you. It's emotional manipulation, and it never happens with cat owners! They could as easily said that if you take it as a statement on how much they care about you, you're putting dog ownership above family.

There's nothing wrong with being "house proud" to the point where you don't want dog hair and potential damage in your house.