Is anyone a reluctant carer for an adult child?

[massivestress]

Name changed for this as I’m aware I will sound like a complete cow.
i can’t cope mentally anymore. My ds has a mental illness which has taken over their life. No job, moved out for a couple weeks, couldn’t cope. Has taken over the dining room and is in there 24/7 except to come and eat all the snacks or have dinner if I cajole them.
wont engage with social services, attends therapy we pay for at £200 a session (fortnightly, I’m in debt) as the NHS more severe support is shit and has a waiting list anyway. Is almost 30. Has given up all hope. Doesn’t pay anything to us due to some bloody stupid choices they can’t change now. It’s like my life is over. ive suggested going on the council list - no. Over the years we’ve paid for so much therapy and supported things. I can’t see an end in sight, I’m just stuck now with this person getting older and more and more reclusive.

Hi OP, I found your thread on active and just want to extend my sympathies!

No experience but I had a thought on a couple of practical levels. Hope you don't mind me chipping in.

Could you switch to bars of soap rather than liquid handsoap? They are cheaper and last a lot longer. Might help financially, and with how it's making you feel.

Also, wrt the house after you are gone. Can you stipulate in your will that the house must be sold upon your death and the proceeds split equally between the siblings? Your executor will need to be carefully chosen - perhaps a solicitor would be best placed in this role rather than a family member.

All the best!

Thanks @musicalfrog I think we are leaning this way it just feels awful to put in a will that you don’t want your unwell child to be housed. I know it will be taken as a slight.
today has been dreadful. They are so stressed and there’s been shouting between siblings etc.

So things are really shit again. I’m keeping my temper but this is an adult who doesn’t understand or care about the impact of their bad mood and mental health driven behaviour on everyone so dh less so. Siblings are now all moaning and impacted.
im yet again listening to the tap going on/off/on/off and the shower running in tandem. Any suggestion to apply therapy learned tactics is met with rudeness. I think the water is my biggest trigger. I spend a lot of time silently flicking Vs at the door and muttering fuck off to myself.

i think we have also accepted that they are stuck with us and incapable of moving out again. I want to cry/hurl myself off a bridge thinking this. I didn’t expect to spend my evenings watching rubbish on tv (if they are in a ‘good’ mood) while dh hides somewhere to avoid it all, or wondering when the next ‘need to tell me all about whatever stress it is now’ will be.
someone up thread posted how sad it was to see him as ‘this person’. It really is. I don’t see them as my child with potential anymore I see him as a problem that can’t be solved and I’m stuck with. Awful to admit.
The back door lock is broken due to the constant jiggling of the key, the tap is leaking due to constant on/off and it’s all my money and organisation to fix.

I don't think anyone who is not living your life can fully comprehend how difficult this is for you now.
I completely accept that your son has mental health issues that he struggles with, but the complete lack of willingness to engage with any help is unacceptable, in my opinion.
You, your husband, and your other children only have one life. Yours son's needs, however consuming for him, don't trump everyone else's.
Bit brutal, but if you and your husband weren't around to facilitate him, what would happen? Can whatever that would be happen now?
I realise there are all sorts of emotions in the mix here, but it genuinely doesn't sound like any of you can continue like this.
You obviously don't want to see your son on the streets but f your marriage implodes under the pressure it is a lose/lose for everyone.
I don't know what help is out there, but could you start with seeing your GP and telling them you are breaking point?

He honestly is either ill enough to be sectioned or competent enough to accept the impact he is having on everyone else. If he totally lacks insight then he needs urgent professional inpatient intervention. I think you need to make more of a ‘nuisance’ of yourself. I understand that you see no way out, and I have been there so I do get it. You could write an email to his GP and any service he is currently under but tell him you are doing this. What would happen if you switched the water off at the stopcock? Whatever that is, could you let it happen, and if it goes as you expect, call an ambulance to take him to hospital? It’s drastic but I think he needs to reach a rock bottom. For what it’s worth OCD is so complex on its own that I have known people who have spent extensive time as inpatients as they cannot cope with real
life. He is so unwell but you know this, but don’t accept that this needs to be your life, or his, or the entire family.

The trouble is that all suggestions are more things 'to do' or 'have not been done'.

I remember a scene in the Sopranos when Carmella finally snaps at Tony about his depression and how he has infected the whole family.

Sometimes I think that the person who puts their hand up first with mh may be less unwell than the people caring for them have become.

I envy my parents who had us all left home by 18. We could go home in an emergency but it had to be with a defined adult plan of saving for a rental deposit or between flats for a couple of weeks.

i agree @Dogaredabomb it’s so difficult to get energy up to make phone calls etc,
we were going along ok ish for the last few days but then yesterday i just lost my temper and was so fed up, triggered by something I bought them a week ago now being too ‘dirty’ to be used and had to be thrown away. I tried to get it back but they snatched it up and shoved it in their room. So then he sdwitched to high stress endless washing hands etc, washing the same bit of the kitchen over and over again. I keep saying not to load the dishwasher for example but he insists because he wants to make sure things are cleaned properly. It’s never a helpful thing it’s always another control.
so I was trying to get them to understand all the costs of kitchen towel, hand wash, water - it’s not just the waste it’s the hassle of replacing it as well. We run out all the time and I feel so angry seeing whole loo rolls in the bin, or another empty container.

mental health services have finally agreed to refer higher though.

That's truly wonderful news about mh services, I've got my fingers crossed for you ❤️

I am also a reluctant carer for my adult child. It feels hard to say it but I just want a quiet life for a bit. I lost my mum in October and I’m still dealing with this and my dh has had serious health issues and an operation 3 weeks ago.
last year my child had a full mh crisis and was with us for 3 months. Finally managed to get some support and get them back on track or so I thought.
i find im constantly on edge and can’t relax even when they are well. Im just waiting for the next call.
the current situation is they are back here hardly getting out of bed saying never want to work again and go back to their life. I know this is the depression talking but I can’t help feeling is this my life now?
im really trying to carry on and not let it affect me but it’s very very hard.

I’d highly recommend you write a letter to the MH team (just google contact details) detailing what the issues are that you can see and the effect on the family as your son might downplay things.

‘the current situation is they are back here hardly getting out of bed saying never want to work again and go back to their life. I know this is the depression talking but I can’t help feeling is this my life now?
im really trying to carry on and not let it affect me but it’s very very hard.’

oh I so relate to this. You can’t just ignore them and carry on can you, around them. It’s like a leaden cloud in the house.

In my experience there is no point trying to explain anything logical to them- the mental health issues mean they can't hear it. It just drives them further away and they entrench the behaviour further.

Yes it is like having a big cloud. It makes me not want to be in my own home. I have seriously thought about going to somewhere in the middle of nowhere to get some peace.

I was googling hotels the other day, I just think if you want my house so much have it. Hollow deranged laugh.

I think i will have to go to a carer's group, even if it's generalised caring rather than mh. I'm sure they would relate to feeling like a hostage.

I remember many years ago, 10-15, on the phone to samaritans saying 'they won't even take out the bin!' and and they responded 'maybe they can't'.

Handy though isn't it living with someone else who will take out the bin. For bin substitute absolutely everything.

It's all very well completely abdicating from any obligations but someone has to do double.

I just feel bitter and jealous today, I used to be a nice person.

Reading with interest on behalf of a very dear friend (who doesn't do social media or the internet) who is being driven into depression by her AuDHD son who is exhibiting such controlling behaviours that she says if he'd been her husband (she's widowed and it's only the two of them in the house) she would have divorced him by now. Son is 32, does a little voluntary work, drives, but is incapable of living alone. But his behaviour is something she can't live with and we're very rural so there are no groups or, apparently, any help.

10-15 years is a long time no wonder you are feeling worn down. It’s been 5 years for me and that’s bad enough.
i get what you are saying about the bin. I feel there is an element of choice to give up and not try or realise the impact on others.

Just adding my thoughts. My son was arrested 12 days ago after he went mad (minor assault on DH, criminal damage and public order) because he wanted money for class A drugs. He is now serving a short prison sentence and when released, can’t come back here.
I don’t recognise what he has become and this is my bid for freedom. It feels so unnatural to be relieved that your child (who I love) is in prison and then will be accommodated by probation services. He has caused us so much harm with his drug use and the MH problems that come with it.

Is the therapy working? Or helping at all? If not stop it and save the money for yourself.
keep trying with MH services who only now seem to want to treat ‘easy’ cases
And talk to social services about more help

I can only imagine how awful That must have been but perhaps now this has happened he might want to get better and get help.
I think in our case we have been fixers or rescuers which is natural for a parent to want to do. I have found my mood is so much affected by them. I’m really trying to detach a bit or else I will go under. I don’t want this to be my life.

It’s also very easy to see both sides when you’re not dealing with it. I feel like this about the cans of drink, constant whingeing no one has refilled the tango but don’t do it themselves even though everyone else works or studies.

I’m sorry this has ended up being his life, how awful for all of you. I would 💯 use this as a bid for some freedom, I don’t blame you at all for any relief you feel.