Is anyone a reluctant carer for an adult child?

[massivestress]

Name changed for this as I’m aware I will sound like a complete cow.
i can’t cope mentally anymore. My ds has a mental illness which has taken over their life. No job, moved out for a couple weeks, couldn’t cope. Has taken over the dining room and is in there 24/7 except to come and eat all the snacks or have dinner if I cajole them.
wont engage with social services, attends therapy we pay for at £200 a session (fortnightly, I’m in debt) as the NHS more severe support is shit and has a waiting list anyway. Is almost 30. Has given up all hope. Doesn’t pay anything to us due to some bloody stupid choices they can’t change now. It’s like my life is over. ive suggested going on the council list - no. Over the years we’ve paid for so much therapy and supported things. I can’t see an end in sight, I’m just stuck now with this person getting older and more and more reclusive.

i don’t know what to say apart from well done red. Such an improvement is truly remarkable

Hugs. My nephew was like this- he was actually sectioned twice but only for a few hours each time as they tend to release them when the crisis is over and simply send them home. So being sectioned is not even much of a help in many cases - though it's evidence for eg a PIP claim and gps and services will take it more seriously.

You are obviously dealing with a lot more than simple failure to launch. Are you in touch with your carer's network? Mine offers a lot of practical support to carers of adult children xx

Is this mental health or manipulation? Threatening suucide when he doesn’t get his own way doesn’t make him mentally ill. Has he ever been diagnosed with anything or is it just what he is displaying. Ultimately you need help one way or another or you will be in this merry go round for ever. If this was your husband people would be saying it’s coercive control.

The issues around chil to parent violence, failure to launch, mental health, learning disabilities etc are complex and can come under the heading of domestic violence, but they are not the same as having a controlling partner.

@Toooldtocare25there are potentially comparisons to be drawn. My daughter has scarily similar traits to her abusive dad. The difference is she’s 16 and he’s 44. It’s my job as her parent to show her a better way to cope with her big emotions and overwhelm. I’ve informed her if she was behaving like she does to me in a relationship it would be intolerable. They’re transitioning from childhood to adulthood with big scary feelings and neurodivergence. The suicide threats are a way of conveying the enormity of these feelings, it’s or our job to help them manage life so they don’t get to that, and if they do, to find a way to convey that in a more controlled way surely?

Oh God, the conspiracy theories and the drink! I find the conspiracy theories really hard. It's ZOG and some secret world bank atm. He's considering looking for friends at the local Reform branch 🙄 or AA 😂

He's actually sober since October which is a complete miracle but has destroyed his health. I listen respectfully to the conspiracy theories but quietly watch his eyes bugging out of his head as he's telling me all of it thinking how deranged he looks.

I'm letting him smoke weed in my bathroom to save the neighbours from the smell and I'm just trying desperately to save my house from the mess, smell and dirt.

I actually look forward to being dead (not suicidal). It feels like a life sentence.

He can't bear any external noise from neighbours and I'm running the air con to help to drown anything external. Has anyone found a white noise machine that's effective please? It is very expensive looking after someone so mentally ill

He's not going to kill himself. Test him on that and regain your control .

Every carer of an adult child is a reluctant carer. None of us want our children to be anything other than thriving adults. Circumstances sometimes mean otherwise. Carer burnout is real too.

It's never easy, OP. I've found making sure I do things, even little things, that I want to do helps keep me sane. A little gardening, going for a walk, cooking, reading, a long shower, listening to music - whatever you like. Try to do one thing a day for you that brings you joy.

I know that is simplistic but it's one step.

Maybe not but people do. If my son threatened that, I'd take him to A&E and he can learn the consequences of that threat or get help (hopefully).

What are you doing making this assertion about a person you know nothing about? It is incredibly irresponsible of you to do so. A parent needs to take their child’s threats seriously. They need to take frequent threats even more seriously. This is not the same scenario as a coercively controlling partner.

It's a fallacy that people who threaten suicide don't attempt it. It's unbelievably cruel to treat another human being as if they don't matter and their mental health issues aren't real or needing treatment. I hope this never happens to you.

Find family therapy. There is no point in his attending therapy if you’re not involved. Start there. And when you’re in family therapy explain that you can’t live like this. You’re just as important as he is

Just reading this sounds like my cousin. Used to scrub her hands raw. Everything had to be scrubbed before entering the house. OCD, depression. She’s also autistic. It took a 6 month stint in the priory to get her well.
She was living with my aunt and uncle after a failed attempt at moving out and working. I know they found it hard. Anyway we’re now several years on from that residential treatment in the priory centre and she’s not long moved out again. She’s working. She’s living independently. I know they fought hard to get her in to that centre (paid by nhs) but it worked and she’s much much better now

You talk about paying for private therapy, are you sure the option you have chosen is the right one. With mental health as you know it’s not one size fits all, but getting the right therapy is the key. If you are seeing no improvement, I would guess it’s the wrong therapy for him. From some of your comments it sounds like he has OCD, so he would need CBT that uses exposure and response prevention.

Think “ the point”, was when male hormones kick in …(I blame hormones for everything 🤨😥)

@TinyMouseTheatre

My dd is like this - adhd, probably asd as well. She is absolutely on high alert for every expression or inflection in your voice. She will perceive this as laughing at her / being cross with her.

asking her 3 times to do something getting slightly more frustrated every time leads to an accusation of shouting at her.

There are PDA elements as well so things have got better as I have learnt ‘how’ to ask her to do things.

He is threatening and blackmailing you. When he next says he is going to kill himself, tell him
that would break your heart but you will not be blackmailed. He is an adult. Other people have offered some great advice.
I am not surprised your husband is angry. Your son is ruining your lives. Phone the council, say you are making your son homeless and he needs immediate provision. Say you are worried for your own safety.
And you are not a cow. You are human and you are desperate.
I know a couple who got so low they moved overseas to escape.

Stop paying £200 for a therapy session as that’s a con!!

I don’t live in UK… Can you speak to your GP about getting your DS an adult guardian, perhaps? He has colonised your home and you obviously don’t feel safe setting boundaries. I genuinely think that every time he threatens suicide you need to call an ambulance for him. He’s using this to control the narrative.

I think you really need to push the NHS mental health team here. While they can't share confidential information with you, you absolutely can approach them and report everything that's happening with him that's concerning you. Make sure that they're fully aware of the suicide threats, of the huge impact of his OCD on his daily life, of how at risk he would be if you were unable to continue caring for him. They can prioritise him for a psychiatry assessment if the risk is high enough.
The other thing to consider, is whether he is well enough to have capacity to make decisions about his welfare - given he went to uni, it may be that he does, but you could consider approaching a solicitor to discuss accessing a capacity assessment. If successful, you would have more say over his welfare and finances.

Threatening to kill himself is quite a standard manipulative tactic to prevent parents taking steps to reduce dependence.

It might be terrifying, but it sounds like he needs a bit of a reality check. I think you need to get him out from under your roof. I would start by reducing his ability to live rather parasitically off you - don't buy him endless snacks, cut off his internet access, don't do his washing etc for him . Charge him some keep/board. Don't allow him to live like a child under your roof.

As a last resort consider telling the council you can no longer house him & go down the homeless route, or look into supported living etc.

Not much advice on how to handle this but your local carers organisation is bound to have seen this before and might be able to give advice and/or put you in touch with other parents in similar situation.

No advice but I read your post and felt empathy, you are clearly a great mum trying your hardest. We can only take so much, it's natural to want adult children to live independently and it's natural to want to use your house as you wish. Don't use unkind words about yourself, they aren't true. He's emotionally blackmailing you, that's not okay. He needs to take some responsibility for himself. I hope you find the support and some helpful advice on here. Your situation sounds very tough.

he would be housed with drug addicts and violent people and it would take a long time anyway.

This is exactly what happened with DBIL, but he was housed within hours, 2 cities away.

He went to the homeless department at our council and explained he is mentally unwell, had to leave home due to abuse (partly true, FIL at the end of his tether for years, a lot of anger and resentment built up, a complete build up of compassion fatigue and a lot of harsh words shared that made BIL mental health worse).

He ended up turning his phone off and not responding to anybody, so DP called the police for a welfare check, found that the housing he'd been placed in were trying to extort him daily for extra money, as well as getting him to use, and sell heroine and crack cocaine, and coming into his room and wrecking his things.

The police brought him home, against his will so they could raid the premise he was in.

Social services refused support.

A stark difference to my experience of being a disabled adult in a loving home, needing substantial daily support, contacting social services and having a full needs assessment done and offered a PA, at home support, support to get on the council housing list, as well as offered supported living for both myself and my child, with daily cleaners and immediate access to on site care.

Single men don't get offered nearly as much support as women. It's a depressing fact.

I can’t do anything with the internet, the other kids are studying or working and need it, I don’t have the energy to look up how to ban devices or whatever. Everything on top of this is so hard to do.

I'm sorry but this is a cop out. Just change the password on the router and don't give him the new one. Do not pay a mobile phone bill.

The Internet will almost certainly be feeding his paranoia and making him worse, as well as providing easy dopamine hits from scrolling/gaming which will discourage him from leaving his room.