Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish?

[Whatthefork1]

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

Why on earth should your idea of what your Mum should do trump hers? She’s an adult, she’s got you to adulthood and she’s entitled to live what’s left of her life exactly the way she wants to.

Your DP sounds utterly ridiculous.

I’m a bit shocked at the “bad parents” for moving away, wow. You had your own life and were well settled already, so it’s not as though you were dependent on them in any way.

Were you hoping they would do childcare for you, by any chance?

No!! It isn't selfish at all. It actually feels a bit selfish on the part of adult children to even begin to think that their parents should stay close.

Your DP is talking bollocks.

I feel the same as you… they’re not ‘wrong’ for moving obviously but it’s not something I’d do. I’d want to be close enough to pop round and see each other regularly / help out. Within an hour anyway. It’s their lives of course but you’re not wrong for feeling sad about it. It will also make your life harder when they get older and may need support and will struggle to travel to you - then the travel will all be on you and regular, when you have children and a busy life.

That a tough one. As you said, moving to the new location was her dream (or, waaas it?) 🤔with your stepdad.
Of course you'd like your parent/s involved in your life with you family and kids if you are close. Is it possible she just wants time for her own life with her husband now that you have your own life?

eta OP's partner should wind his neck in, though. It's out of line judge and comment as he has. What good can come of criticizing OP's, his wife's, mum?

I reckon this is a reverse.

No.

my brother moved to New Zealand, and I stayed here. Four hours drive is nothing compared to a 24 hour flight.

Sounds like you and your DO’s view of your parents is largely about what they can do for you

How does your mum feel now? Does she regret the love or is she happy?

Eh?
You can move closer to them.if you want...why should their lives be dictated by your choices?

They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks

Sounds great

So as a 24 yo adult living with a partner your DP still felt that your parents had no right to put their own lives over yours?

Bizarre.

Is there actually an age where they would be allowed to move to their dream location? Obviously not once you have children and need childcare. That would be utterly selfish of them.

Perhaps when they are too old to be of any more use? Or are they forced to put their wishes aside for their entire lives because to put themselves first for once is selfish?

Your partner is a tosser, OP.

I don’t think it makes them
bad parents, but I can’t begin to imagine doing this. My DDs live about an hours drive away (in different locations) and my DS literally in the next road and I see them all at least weekly. I would absolutely understand if they chose to move away, but would never do that myself.

My ILs did this too at the same life stage. I did find it a bit upsetting at the time as I know the distance would mean we wouldn’t be so involved with them and them with us but we were ok with it. It was their dream to move to a certain area. Now nearly 30 years later we are concerned about the distance due to their age and also travelling for them to us and us to them is harder for all of us. It’s a tricky one. I know I couldn’t move that far from my adult DC.

I don’t think they are bad parents, they aren’t at all. It was the question I was asking, to see what others thought.

I absolutely agree with you, she is entitled to live her life how she wants to and I would never stand in the way of that, I have my own life. But from a personal perspective, I don’t think I would ever want to move that distance from my children, even when they are adults.

Does it work the same way when adult children move away from their parents? Both my brother and his wife live in a different country to the one they were born in, although they make a lot of effort to maintain close relationships with family. Are they just selfish people?

Yes that’s exactly how I feel myself. If they wanted to move away from me, then that is fine and I’d never stop that, but I myself wouldn’t move away from them.

Parents cannot live their lives for their adult kids, and YABVU to expect it of them. Supposing you’d decided to move, should your parents have followed you? What if you then hated the new place and moved again?

And even if they had stayed close by, there’s no guarantee your mum would want to spend her time on what may be to her boring day trips with small children - I live 3 miles from one of my kids, and I do that about three times a year!

Also, none (well, very few) of us could imagine living far from our kids when they are small, but many of us manage it quite happily when the time comes.

Spot on. You’ve nailed it!

She has been with my step dad for nearly 25 years so definitely not a regret and they moved there together.

It’s not something I would do (move away) and it’s obviously not impacted on your closeness which is good.

I think family help works both ways and I’ll be happy to care for my mother who has helped me with my children as she gets older.

I read of elderly relatives moving closer to their adult children as they become more frail and I think it’s obvious what they are wanting.

When we have DCs, we put our dreams to one side to concentrate on them, and make sure their needs are prioritised for the best part of the next 20 years. Once you’ve completed that arduous marathon, you can finally focus on yourself and your own wants and dreams for the first time in two decades. That doesn’t mean you are discarding your DCs. You just know that they are responsible for their own futures now, and you can get on with your own once again.

Unfortunately some people expect parents to martyr themselves at the altar of parenthood until the day they die.

I assume you have not had teenagers.

there were points with my teens where I felt living in the same planet as them was too close.

Sorry but your DP is an idiot if he thinks that. The world doesn't actually revolve around him (or you).

Absolutely not. I miss the days of just being able to pop round and see my mum. Obviously them being around would be a huge help to us, that would just be a bonus and would never be expected though.