Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish?

[Whatthefork1]

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

Have none of you moved away from home yourselves? DH and my families live 6 hours away from each other. We met at uni, 4 hours away in another direction. DD lives around 100 miles from us, but has been as far as 5 hours away. We intend to move in a few years, but for now travel to support our elderly parents, juggling all sides of our family.

Not something I would do, as I value family being nearby and like being able to do more casual visits such as popping over for lunch. However it’s not selfish also. But and this is a major but, they should not be expecting any form of regular visits and should also be making an effort to visit. As despite this not being selfish, most would recognise if they decided to move further away it’s now on them to do more of the travelling

Every time I see my parents my mum asks when I’m coming to stay. But it’s really tricky as I work full time, random shifts.

My DCs moved away to uni and then one even moved abroad for a few years for work. I then moved to another part of the country to be with my long time partner (he had DCs at school) and was never closer than 2 hours from either of them, although flights to the country where the one abroad was, were only just over an hour, the waits at airports made it longer.

I then moved back with my DH (I’d married my DP) to my old home town to retire and help my DSis with our elderly DF. My DHs DCs had scattered across the country, north, west and east, and my DCs were still 90 mins to 3 hours away. No matter where we live some of our DCs will be at least a couple of hours away. We’ve all moved around and now everyone is settled in the places we’ve all chosen and we all respect each other’s choices. We do have lots of places around the country to stay in now we have more time without jobs.

People move for lots of reasons; work, friends, family, or a wish live in a particular place. Not everyone wants their parents or in-laws too close either.

Yes I think it’s selfish. I’m not saying that it’s necessarily bad to be selfish in your golden years, you only have one life, but I couldn’t do it.

No location or retirement dream would mean as much to me as being close to my family.

So all people's life is meant to be ls live when they are born and do nothing but help the next generation and the cycle continues

So parents shouldn't move away children should stay near their parents and everyone just exists in a small world?

My Dad moved 6 hours away from me and it completely broke our relationship 🙁
I saw him 4 times in 10 years and one of those times was the day he died.
I couldn't live more than an hour or 2 away from my family again

Years ago when I was in my 20s my parent moved away with my siblings and my grandparent. I had my DC to look after as I was a lone parent. I felt completely abandoned as my whole family left, I still feel the same about it all these years later.

A few years after they all left I obviously had no ties to my hometown so I moved much further away to try to improve our lives. I’ve stayed here and now my parent is in their 80s and I feel guilty being so far away. About a 6-8 hour drive. I’ve not seen my DP for 18 months now as I have a very difficult family set up as my siblings no longer speak to me.

It’s all very sad especially when I get the comments about me moving away like I caused all of this.

If I could go back and change them all moving away and leaving me behind I would as my DC and I have been alone ever since with no support or help 💔 I would have liked to have moved with them all (this is only one of many bad experiences for example being kicked out as a teenager with nowhere to go so I’ve had to have therapy)

No, obviously not! It means that parents are just enjoying their life and opportunities. Why does everyone need to live in each others' pockets? Amongst my friends, it's perfectly normal to live a few hours away, because life means that we DO move around.

How did it?

surely you can live apart and not have the relationship completely break down?

My dc is living abroad now. It has not broken our relationship, I am happy that they have such a great opportunity.

my second dc is planning to go to uni 8 hours away. Again I am happy for them, it’s a great course. I wouldn’t be selfish and insist they stay within 2 hours or the relationship is over.

it seems odd that people think moving away means the end of a relationship, and don’t seem to be happy for the person.

plus it means great holidays.

I'm with you OP. My DPs did the same, I already had a baby. The journey with a small DC was horrendous for quite a few years so we rarely visited. Now one of them has serious health issues and they are too far away for me to help.

Parents who move away need to seriously think about what will happen when they are very old or very unwell - it may happen sooner than they expect.

The furthest away either of my parents lived from me was an hour, but if they had wanted to move four hours away I would have waved them off with my blessing. However I don't live in the UK where it seems people can't live without their family being in the next street.

Of course parents who move away aren't being selfish. They've done their bit bringing up children, they are allowed to have lives of their own.

Unfortunately some people expect parents to martyr themselves at the altar of parenthood until the day they die.

I agree with the above. It seems that once people have children they are expected to devote themselves to them for life, with never a thought to their own dreams. Your DP is a small minded idiot. HTH.

My friend's child moved to another country, over 3,000 miles away. They've seen each other far more times in 10 years than you saw your Dad. What was stopping you/him visiting? Six hours is hardly the other side of the world.

I guess I am a bad parent then. I want to move somewhere warmer, cheaper and more relaxed when I retire. I would move now but I have teens in school. I will wait until they grow up and are in their early to mid twenties before I move. Why can't I live my life on my terms when my children are adults?

Maybe it's because I moved halfway across the world from my parents for many years and have settled in a place half a country away from them, so I see that parents and their children can live happy lives away from each other.

No I wouldn’t move away from my son and his family . They live about an hour away . But they would up and move to the other side of the world if they felt they needed to . It could still happen. So are they selfish ? Maybe , maybe not . Always two opinions .

Your children are 4 and 20 months old… they are still very young - you have 22 odd years until you are in the same position as your mum was when she moved away. After 22 years you might not feel exactly as you feel now. You have said it was her dream to move there - her only other option was to sacrifice her dream to hang around to see you potentially every day. She speaks to you everyday.

@Whatthefork1 we didn’t have ‘the village’ I was expecting to have while bringing up our children. I won’t comment why as I’ll be accused of being ‘ageist’ but it has taught me how important ‘the village’ is to families with young children. I certainly won’t be moving too far from my adult children when they need me the most. When their children are old enough though (secondary school perhaps) I’ll think about moving away to a nice hot country then.

Your DH is bonkers, and YABU.

You both sound quite selfish. You think your mother has to give up her life to children twice? Once for you, and then for your children?

Most of my friends and I moved away to go to uni and never moved back to our home town. My DD is at uni in another country and I’d never expect her to come back and settle back here. It wasn’t selfish of us to leave to pursue our dreams and it’s not selfish of your mum and SD to do the same - besides, they now live close to your sister so it’s not like they’re dropping out of family life. They’re still experiencing it, just not with you. They successfully raised you to adulthood and now it’s their time.

And shat happens if your adult children move away from you? Will you guilt trip them into saying near you?

I guess you don't expect your children to ever see the cou rey for better opportunities because they need to live around the corner from you?

Exactly you were settled had good jobs etc so it was time for them to do want they've always wanted to do.

Btw is your DH's parents close by or involved in helping with your kids or is this something he only expects from your mom?

It gets difficult when the parent gets older and needs some support. This becomes especially true if one of them dies. It’s impossible to pop in and check on someone who lives four hours away.

OP is only in her early 30s, how old do you think her mother is? I worked with an only child whose parents lived on the other side of the world until their deaths. Somehow it worked.

My mil moved 5 hours away up north with her new h. We rarely get to see her now, but dh really doesn’t care. Sil both moved to Oz years ago to escape her 😂

This might be inconceivable to you now but your relationship with your children will evolve - your children need you in ways now that they will not when they are adults. Hanging around for scraps of attention and time from adult children rather than living your own life is a different choice and you cannot know now how you will decide then. Many children also move away from their families - even overseas. In any case, to answer your question, it is selfish to think your parents need to stay still while you grow up and away. Not selfish of your parents to be leading their own lives. Your DP is being ridiculous.