Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish?

[Whatthefork1]

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

I agree with the OP to some extent. It all depends on how you choose to interpret selfish.

As humans we are all
inherently selfish - we are driven to live our lives as we most want. I think there is a disingenuous mob rule aggression towards the OP from some posters, who seem outraged that a daughter might feel hurt and sad that her mother moved far away from her. My personal suspicion is that this uncontrollable outrage is classic DARVO - defend, attack, accuse, reverse, victim. I would be more inclined to believe the angry people on this thread if they could air their views in a calm and less defensive manner. My experience is that those who scream the loudest do so to deflect from the unpalatable truth. That actually, maybe they do feel a bit sorry and dare I say it guilty, that they caused own child sadness by choosing to move to the sea, or wherever it is they want to live. Especially during the time of life when mothers and daughters often come back closer together - the birth of grandchildren.

If you interpret selfish to mean putting your want to move away before the feelings of a family member who loves you, and will feel grieve at your leaving - yes it’s selfish. On one level. In some way. By very definition. Because it is putting your own wants, front and centre.

The other viewpoint on here seems to be that it is 100% not selfish, and anyone who holds the other view is an awful human being, and deserves to be told so in a harsh way, and immediately invalidated.

There is grey in all areas of life. Being so angry towards people who miss the ones they love who moved away seems unkind.

The OPs partner is probably gutted on her behalf and may be using the word ‘selfish’ because they don’t know another way to express their disappointment and sadness in the situation. And if they hold that view - they are entitled to. But attacking the OP brutally is a whitewash and stops calm debate.

So OP, you defended your parents when your dp called them selfish and wanted other's opinions - have you changed your view?

Personally no, I don’t think it’s selfish. You were 24 and settled in in life, you wanting to start a family shouldn’t really be at your mother’s forefront once she raised you. What if you wanted to wait until your 30s? Should be put a pin on her move until then?

I live in a different country, should I be more entitled to have made this move because I’m not my mother? I know she’d much rather have me close by. There’s always things to give when moving is an option (DD only sees grandparents a couple times a year), but unfortunately we’re all only guaranteed one life.

If he had just said he doesn't know how people can do it, that's one thing. He has called it selfish though, which is a whole other thing. And that is - selfish thinking.

I don't think you're coming across badly, OP. Your DH is the one who seems to have the attitude about it.

Of course it makes sense you feel sad. That isn't selfish, it's human and normal. Some sense of rejection would even be normal and not selfish. I'm one of those parents who wouldn't move while I have even one child left in the area I live in (unless there was really no other option, which I find hard to imagine). I do know people who have done it and I have thought about how I just don't think I could. Then again, they do travel to each other a lot.

In the end though, for those who can, I don't think it is wrong for them to make some 'selfish' decisions at that time of life. My parents moved when we were very young and as a result I have no extended family in my life. Never have. They chose for us not to have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I do think that was selfish as they were then responsible for our lives and made that choice for us. If they made it now, not having children to think about since we're all grown and established, I wouldn't think it was selfish, just living their lives. They did in fact do that and there are many ways we stay in contact that don't involve visits.

The real issue is your DH calling it selfish, like he thinks they owe him the rest of their lives and his parents as well. At least he's not like the DH in the thread that asked for inheritance though.

My parents moved to another country when both me and my sister fell pregnant with our first children at the same time.

I didn't think they were selfish, per se.

But it was very clear that their priority wasn't their family and having a relationship with their grandchildren. It was enjoying their retirement. On one level, fine. On another - a bit gutting.

But also entirely their loss, as that was almost 20 years ago, they've moved back to the UK now and are clearly struggling with the fact that they don't have a place in our lives any more. Not because we are acting out of spite - but because we have established traditions when it comes to Christmas and stuff like that, our kids don't really know them, and we've become used to not having parents to hand. My mum wants to be a matriarch; the person with gravitational pull. That's me, by virtue of me having the biggest dining table and it being the role I've stepped into with my younger sister and niece in her absence. It pisses her off. We are where we are.

That all makes sense and your parents have to accept that. I hope they haven't come back just for the care you can offer now they are getting older.

I don't really know what they've come back for. They said it was to be closer to us but they've set themselves up here in such a way that we can't easily visit them - I can't disclose why as it's a bit outing - they don't visit us very often and keep talking about moving house to locations that are 4+ hour's drive away.

DH and I have informed our children (20 and 17) that our plan is to wait until they’re truly settled ( 30’s) and then potentially follow them. Not too close, perhaps a couple of hours away to give everyone space.

Knowing our families, they’ll end up on opposite sides of the globe in countries where we can’t get visas. 😂

That’s fair enough, but why do you want to follow them? Is it because you’d miss them and want to be closer to them? Can you see how the opposite of that would feel hurtful?

There would be no reassurance gained from saying to my kids when they were that age - I will follow you - they'd be suggesting we were behaving like stalkers and kindly suggesting we got a life.😂Even though they are back with us working after being away at Uni and it doesn't look like they are moving out very soon - I think they'd still be a bit freaked out by the following you offer.

That's a shame. I can't relate to how much you miss her as although I'm close to my siblings, I don't grieve that we live in different countries.

I can understand you miss her company though, which is different from OP's post, which mentions the help her parents could be providing.

Which is what her DP said.

That’s the thing though isn’t it, my post doesn’t mention the help my parents could be providing, nor did I state that’s what my DP said. That is simply how others posters, like yourself have interpreted it.

@Whatthefork1 "I guess he is comparing my parents to what his parents do and feels it is unfair on them to be the only ones able to provide any sort of help.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents.

That's from your posts, no interpretation needed.

I just wonder, if mother that does this, would she move closer to you once she gets old and frail and needs a bit of help?
I suppose she wont?

@cleancoffeemachine Yes, we're joking, of course and they have called us stalkers. Teasing is part of our family dynamic. 😆

😂😂I was a wee bit worried for your kids - just for a second!

This happened to me and I felt abandoned if I’m honest. I realise I didn’t have the right to dictate her life and where she would live but it did make me sad. I never had hands on help with my dc , I could never pop round for a coffee when I was having a bad day and when I saw friends doing things with their sm I felt really heartbroken.
so whilst she has her own life I do get how you feel.

@menopausequeen It can happen the other way round too.

One can provide a huge amount of childcare and other help to adult children, and then they often move away.

Unfortunately, that’s life. No point in ruminating that one gets precious little help in one’s older years.

Your DP sounds very entitled.

When I read the few paragraphs of this post I thought you must be my sister! (You're not, because my parents are still overseas.)

I think it's fine for adults to make their own decisions and put their own needs and wishes first, and it's fine for other people to feel sad about it. It's not fine for anyone to guilt trip anyone else and it's not fine for people who move away to expect the relationship not to change.

In our case, my parents made a fairly deliberate choice to move away from extended family when they had us. They've never really had extended family around them. (Before they left the UK, my sister and I had both moved several hours away from where we grew up.) They moved to France to retire. They'd like us to visit more than we do - I think they had visions of us going for Christmas and spending months there in the summer etc and it's never happened (because life(!) and because we don't want to spend all our holidays in rural France). They're interested in their grandchildren, and in some ways, their relationship with them isn't so different from the UK grandparents, who live much closer, but they've never been a big part of our day-to-day lives. They have always said they will come in a crisis - and they have come in a crisis - which we appreciate hugely but is obviously very different to having day-to-day company and support.

I also think it would be hard to find space and a place for them if they were to come back now. My sister and I are very close (not geographically), and very independent. And we are at the stage of considering how much we will help as their health fails, which it is starting to as they enter their late seventies, and that will be expensive and complicated. I am genuinely glad that they have chosen the life they want, but it has probably had a negative impact on me and my sister overall, and on the relationships within the family.

I think it's understandable you wish your mum lived nearer, OP, and given that you're sad about it, it is not unreasonable for your DP to describe it as selfish. But it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your mum, and I hope that is some comfort in it.

I find this baffling. The idea that my parents have any obligation to be near me - or me them - is odd. But then my parents moved around a lot and they lived so remotely when I was at uni that moving home afterwards wasn’t ever an option work-wise. It would have been nice to be closer, especially when the kids were younger, but we remain close - the way you connect just changes (and so much easier than in decades gone by).

My DCs are now at uni and DH and I are moving to the other end of the country. We’ll miss them but they are adults, living their lives. As are we.

We really do have mirror lives. My parents moved to France, and also expected that we'd visit every Christmas, have extended summer breaks there and that the grandchildren would perhaps spend whole summers there. This wasn't them being 'the whole world revolves around us' and evidence of selfish expectations. They genuinely thought it would be lovely for the whole family to have a (very very fancy and rural) base in France. And the idea WAS lovely.

But me and my brother and sister all work and have limited amount of annual leave, my sister and I were both single parents at the time so we didn't have a huge household income and we had no one to tag team annual leave with for all the inset days/sick days etc etc.

Our parents saw this as a bonus - we'll have the kids every holiday! - but the cost of repeat flights or ferries to and from France was prohibitive, and only 2 of the 4 grandchildren actually wanted to go. My son was the most vocal in not wanting to go. He didn't really know them, and he was very attached to me - and come to that, I didn't have a child just to send him somewhere else for all the best bits.

Your point about failing health is also interesting. My parents lived their independent retirement years in France, when their support here would have been useful. Not essential, not in any way owed to us - but useful. They've come home to be closer to us now they're older and need more help. I am currently spending one day a week with them, helping them. And I don't mind, but I do consider it to be a bit... lacking in self awareness. They moved away knowing that we could have done with their help. They've moved back now they need help from us.

Maybe they are selfish. I dunno.

The broader point remains. Grown adults can do what they like, and it will all be fine - life goes on. But when life goes on, relationships change.

My mum's move six hours away (if we didn't do on the way) just confirmed what I knew already. She had no interest in me or her grandchildren.

It wasn't about needing help. She already lived 1.5 hours away, and I'd never have left my kids in in her sole charge. But all the same, it stung to have that proof that we weren't important to her.