Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish?

[Whatthefork1]

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

I agree entirely that everyone should make their own choices in life but that will have consequences later in life.
My mum refused to live closer to any of her children when my dad died 20 years ago. She’s in her 80s now, very lonely as many of those closest to her have died, and her friends are either very elderly or younger and still working. She’s deteriorated so much in the last few years, both physically and mentally and all her children live hours away. I feel absolutely not one jot of guilt in not being very involved with her because she made her choice and you reep what you sow! She’s been more involved with her friends and their dc than with her own family.

My elderly in-laws on the other hand moved closer to us a few years ago, we see them numerous times a week and help them as much as we can.

Id love to live by the sea, it’s been my dream forever, but we’ve made the choice to stay close to Dd and grandchildren. We’re very involved in each other lives and I wouldn’t swop the relationship I have with Dd and grandchildren for a sea view!

People keep commenting on that fact that children move hours away, so it’s exactly the same as parents moving hours away. It’s not. Because the children don’t suddenly return years later asking you to run their lives, sort out their banking, and change their adult nappies for them. It’s a complexly different thing. I think it is completely fine for parents to move away to fulfill a dream. I do not think it is ok to then return later to receive care, or when leaving,to deny the hassle distance creates (time, travel cost, inability to be their in person for many special events and reasons).

Leave and live your life. But don’t expect a fanfare if you return just to get care.

I don't think it makes you a bad parent. Recognise that you may not see your family so often, do not expect them to be coming to you but go to them, by all means.

Of course it isn’t selfish. Your mum committed to raising you to the age of 18 and thereafter having an adult/parent relationship, not living down the road from you for the rest of your life.

That said I think parents of adult children need to acknowledge moving hours away means if they become frail, or want to see grandchildren, it will be much harder for the adult child to simply travel to see them all the time. They need to accept the trade off that help won’t be available just down the road and grandchildren won’t be as close to them.

Did you actually read what I wrote? I am staying where I live. If my children move away, that’s up to them. I am stating that I would not move 4 hours away from my children if they stay in our home town, like OPs parents have done. Neither me of my DH moved away from our parents/where we grew up, and I would never have expected my mum to travel around the country visiting us or move location based on us, that’s cheeky!

I got married at 18 and left the family
home (a flight or a ferry crossing away) 3 years later my parents moved from the UK to France. 3 years after that I had my first child. Parents still happily in France, we see them a couple of times a year and they’re living their best life, nothing selfish or bad about it at all. I’d much prefer them to live somewhere where they are happy, much the same as I wouldn’t expect them to dictate where I live either.

I can see that it is sad for you, a bit hurtful. My DPs parents did the same - moved to the sea, 3 hours away. At the time we lived 4 hours in the opposite direction for work, so rarely saw them. I don’t remember thinking it was selfish exactly, but it was a pain in the arse! DP has mixed feelings I think - he’s glad they did it as they had a great time but I think it stung a bit too. They thought we would have all our holidays with them because they were by the sea! We didn’t. After 10 years they came back and a few years later work brought us nearer so now we are only an hour and a half away - it’s been a great relief as they start to need more help.
I remember reading years ago that an alternative to looking at the world in terms of ‘class’ is that there are two groups of people; one who stay near their place of birth and cannot consider leaving - it just doesn’t occur to them and another group who move around. No judgement - these people can be from any social level or income.These days it’s much rarer to be in the first group - many people have to move for education, work, because they can’t afford to stay where they were born, or chose to for a better quality of life etc. But some people do miss out on job opportunities because of not moving. I’ve made three big moves for jobs + uni so the idea of retiring somewhere else seems very normal, and our dc s could end up anywhere- is that selfish?

No. Who says you will always live there? You might move away at some point. So should your parents always stay there “just in case” you are going to be around the corner? I have two siblings and I’m the only one out of three who still lives near the family home.

Also - having had relatives who did this - I know that it was about them always having wanted to live in a particular location, but not being able to do so while they had jobs and school age children. They when they were retired, they could move where they wanted to. Should they have just given up on their dreams for their adult children?

No, it's not selfish at all @Sandysandytoes . I think many people on MN don't realise that we can have great careers in our 50s & 60s which can be in new locations.

Our children also move & build relationships with people in other parts of the country. Our siblings are in Cornwall, the north of Scotland, London and the south coast. Not sure how our parents would gave split themselves in those circumstances. I only have one child, but I have no intention of moving to London where they are currently based.

Of course he is capable of looking after his own family and no he is not scared of motorways, what a silly thing to say.

You drove 6 hours as a woman in your late 60’s, presumably alone. That is not the same as driving with two young children in tow.

That’s not the point anyway, we do travel to see them which I have stated a few times.

Did they move to be closer to your sister?

I hope our 25 year old understands that the world doesn't revolve around her.
Currently in Spain finalising my residencia.
Me, husband and dog will be living here full time from September I hope.

Sounds as if you’re close to your parents and understandably wish they lived nearer. I wonder if part of you never accepted they went and is still struggling with it by protesting ‘I wouldn’t do this!’ Accepting might look like grieving their move (it is a form of loss) and integrating it into your current reality.

What might happen then is that sadness shows up occasionally when you notice a moment when it would be nice if they lived nearby. Your job would be to validate how you are feeling in that moment , soothe yourself and offer yourself some kindness then get back to what you were doing.

I wish you well and really think a couple of sessions of therapy could help you unpick, make sense of and process your parents’ decision.

Your dh’s opinion is ridiculous, he shouldn’t be reinforcing a negative narrative about your mum. People don’t move for nothing!

say you live in an expensive area though.

is it still selfish if you sell up to buy somewhere cheaper, so you can release equity and help your children get on the housing ladder or give them a lump sum to help them get them started?

or is it selfish to downsize and spend the money on nice holidays rather than give it to your kids…even if you stay local?

is any action a parent takes inherently selfish if it benefits them and not their kids? Where does it end?

dh inherited some money off his parents. He has invested it for retirement, with the intention to use the interest for little luxuries or care in his old age. Then the capital will go to the children on his death- not to me.

i know his kids think he is selfish for not sharing it when he got it.

my parents live 4 hours away from me but they moved there to be closer to my sister when she had a baby. that makes perfect sense to me

dies it affect how often I see them - of course it does but they can't live near ti me and ti her and she needed them more

how are parents with several children who live in different parts of the country supposed to remain living close to they're adult children? Drive around in a caravan ?

My dad and step mum did this when DC1 was a few months old, kept a flat near me at first and did part time 5 hours away and here. Then made the move permanently just before I had DC2.
My step mum had always wanted to live by the sea.
Dad and I had a difficult relationship after he walked out on my mum when I was 16. We had just started mending that relationship, as having DC gave me a new perspective. And I had decided to move on and let go of it.
So yeah the timing felt a little selfish. And I struggled with it, as it felt like being abandoned again.
Fast forward 20 odd years and they are still 5 hours away from us all. And now elderly. There is no way I will be rushing down to help.....
I feel mostly sad that he missed out on all that my mum has been involved with. Like school concerts etc. Which they would have loved.
But they like it down there and it is their choice. Won't be one I will be making.

By the time my youngest leaves home I will have dedicated over a quarter of a century to my kids. They are free to move where makes them happy. I will do the same.

Because I couldn't afford to visit.

I assume you will fund your kids coming to visit if they can't afford it? My Dad didn't. He didn't even have somewhere for me to stay, every visit would have been a 6 hour trek and an overpriced hotel because he moved to a beauty spot.
He hated technology and his phone signal was atrocious
So our relationship floundered

Nobody raises an eyebrow if an adult child decides to move hours away or even to a different country so I'm not sure why parents should be judged for moving away.

Personally I wouldn't move hours away from my parents OR my kids but it's perfectly normal to do so.

My grandparents moved from Devon to Shropshire to be near us when I was a kid (we had moved there years before for my dad's job) and after a couple of years we ended up moving to Surrey, at which point the Grandparents went back to Devon. You can't always follow your children around. If your mum stayed near where you are currently she'd have no guarantee you wouldn't decide to move elsewhere.

At the end of the day you have to live where it suits you. You can take into account where family are as one factor but not the only one.

I remember reading years ago that an alternative to looking at the world in terms of ‘class’ is that there are two groups of people; one who stay near their place of birth and cannot consider leaving - it just doesn’t occur to them and another group who move around

Some of us like where we grew up & like being close to families though. I’ve thought about leaving London but decided against due to family, same for DH.

No - the sister moved to them. It’s in one of OP’s previous comments.

Could you not have moved with them or at least moved closer after their move?

Which is nice if you’re in a position to stay in london financially.

dh would have liked to have stayed near family. But as we got older it just wasn’t affordable. We had a huge mortgage, interest rates rising, cost of living rising.

the only people I know who have been able to choose to stay in London are either very high earners, those who bought homes in the 80’s, those who have had family help to buy, or those who got a house in a divorce.

Parents who move away from grandchildren are a bit selfish but of course they can do it. My view would be don’t expect me to travel 4 hours or abroad when you cannot manage. I’ve had friends whose parents moved to Cornwall - a 4 hour drive. Total nightmare ensued of course after the great first 10 years. My view is don’t do it. Newly acquired friends won’t help when push comes to shove!