Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish?

[Whatthefork1]

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

I understand what you mean @Whatthefork1. When I was mid 20’s, my dad and step mum moved two hours away. At the time I was living by myself - still making my way in the world and was in a bit of a dead end job, which I was hoping to leave soon. I was suffering with my mental health and wasn’t really in a great place. My own mother had her own mental health issues and wasn’t emotionally available. I felt very abandoned by them. I learned quickly that I just had to rely on myself. Even now I can be a bit of a martyr about things.

About a month after they moved, my step-brother and his wife had a baby and I remember having a phone call with him and him saying how sad he was that his mum (my step mum) had moved away knowing that he and his wife were having the baby. We couldn’t fathom it. His mum and my dad had always said they wanted to live in the countryside and they got that but i am sad i cant jus pop over for a cup of tea or drop something round etc. I worry about them if they need a lift to the drs or shopping when they are ill. Covid was hard as they went on an extreme lockdown and would not even meet up when rules were relaxed.

They moved around 20 years ago, so are older now and I do worry about them being so far away with no family close by.

I hear you @Whatthefork1and it is sad. Sending love x

My parents moved 5 hours away but I moved 2 hours from where I was raised and they lived when I started my career and my sibling also did the same. So I guess we can’t really begrudge them wanting to make such a big move themselves. That being said I do wish they lived closer - I notice it more now i have small children and in my area most people are born and raised and don’t go far it seems so I’m quite the odd one out not to have any family nearby. I met someone recently whose adult grandchildren all live within streets of her and one or more pop in almost daily for a cuppa and a chat and thought how lovely that must be!.

But my parents have their own lives and are happy and it’s a lovely part of the world where they have moved and means when we do see them it’s quality time as we have to stay for a minimum of several days due to the distance.

No. You cut your cloth for yourself and not for what others want.

My children and 4 and 20 months, so no. But knowing what I was like as a teenager, I can see where your coming from😅

Yeah I’d find it quite uncaring of my mum, personally. To be 4 hours away at a very crucial stage in my life (early years of having children).
As a mum I would want to be there - physically - with my daughter when she’s going through that because I know how hard it is and I want the best for her and to see my grandchildren regularly.

It’s nice of you to travel 4 hours to see them with small children. I’d have struggles with that. And once they have school, weekend activities and clubs or team sports going on it will be very hard to find time for those journeys.

I think that’s lovely and you have hit the nail on the head in describing how I feel. I do not think that they are bad parents or selfish for moving away and I am happy that they are living a life they have dreamed of.

It’s just at the same time, it does make for a totally different relationship with them and it is sad not having them so close by.

It is not something I would choose to do.

If my Dc move away from me - fair enough, they make their own life in the best place for them.

But I would not move away from Dc about to start a family. I would want to be close to them and grandchildren - as much as I was welcome to be.

I agree with you, when my daughter gets to this point in her life, I also would want to be there with her, it is a very difficult stage of life and as a mum I want to support her as much as possible when the time comes.

It is a lot of preparation and sometimes a chaotic journey, but we do it and we don’t expect them to always come to us. My children love going there and having sleep overs at nanny and grandads and bonus that they live by the beach.

however my daughter starts school in September so it is not going to be as easy from then on.

My parents moved four hours away to the town my sister was already living. It’s left me on a limb with no support. But I knew it was the right thing for them. I do envy my suistwr just being able to meet up for coffee and pop round. But I love going to stay as it’s a tourist area and like going on holiday!

It’s up to them to move but then when they need your help in their dotage they can hardly expect you to move closer to them can you?

My DM always lived near her parents (both divorced), dad near or 1-2 hours from his parents and saw them both regularly, stepdad is a ferry and car ride away from his parents in Ireland but rang them every week and visited once a year. When parents visited his mum she asked why they weren’t married, what was my mum going to do when she died (she’s Anglican), and didn’t want to call a doctor when I got sick which ended up with me spending getting gastroenteritis, a week in isolation and lost a stone in hospital there, and then she felt guilty about that!

I could never move from my parents too far even though I planned to emigrate to Canada when I was 21 to marry, never got married though, mum seemed happy about it at the time though, she wouldn’t be now!

I don't think this is selfish or bad parenting.

I can absolutely understand you missing your parents and feeling sad they're not nearer.

Hard agree that your partner's comments are cruel and sound like deliberate stirring to me.

Yeah I agree. FIL explained it to me that they thought we might move away so they didn’t feel they needed to stay (although we had never mentioned moving away- and haven’t).

I feel the same way as your DP.
A good friend of mine’s parents did the same thing. The universal feeling amongst her, her DP and all their friends is that her parents were acting very selfishly.
And having my own DC, I cannot imagine moving away from them. It’s just unfathomable to me.

”Selfish” as in they have made a choice that suits themselves. But not unreasonable at all. When your children are older you are free to make different choices 😊

I think it makes adult children selfish (or in this case their partner) if they expect their parents to continue limiting their life choices ad infinitum.

It sounds as if your DP believes your mum should have hung around to look after his kids for him.

It's only selfish if as they get old and inform, they expect you to make frequent visits to accompany them on hospital visits, help with baffling new tech etc or beg to see grandchildren often but expect you to make the long journey with young kids.

Your DC are small and at this stage it's impossible to imagine moving so far away from them. Once they're adults, they're independent, someone else is the centre of their world and they have their own lives, it's sometimes different.

Usually on MN it's young adults feeling guilty about moving away from their parents and they're told that they need to live their own lives and don't owe their DPs anything. The same is true in reverse.

Maybe you and your DP should acting your age.

We moved away from Dh’s adult children.

we were in the SE. We had sacrificed a lot to remain in the area, pay CM, hobbies, holidays etc and support them through uni. Little things like a family car (we didn’t need a car) and bigger things like a huge mortgage so they had bedrooms.

it got to the point where out mortgage was ending and we simply couldn’t afford it any more. Even a move from a 3 bed house to a flat would have been expensive. they were back living with their mum after uni, had jobs, boyfriends, hobbies, and barely saw us.

so we made the decision to move back near my elderly mum, about 3 hours away. To support her and also meant we could have a house with an affordable mortgage and start saving heading into retirement.

they don’t visit, have never been here, and I do think they are upset with us for leaving. We had no choice really though.

Sorry you went through that. It’s really hard when you feel so alone. It sounds very similar to the situation my sister was in at the time. She was 21 and still lived with them.

They made the decision to move and said she was welcome to go with them, she didn’t want to but hardly had enough money to live by herself. She moved in with myself and DP for a few months and then moved int a flat with her friend. She was in a very bad place at the time and could barely make ends meet and struggling mentally.

A year or so later, she made the decision to move down there and lived with my mum and step dad, again mentally struggling as she felt totally alone but felt she had no other choice but to make the move. She’s now met a lovely guy, is really enjoying life and they have just bought their first house together.

I kind of knew that my mum wasn't really interested in me or her grandchildren, but when she announced that she was moving six hours drive away (plus necessary stops) it really hit me as an actual truth.

Having said that, I still defended her move. She said it was her dream to live there (first I knew). Only later did we discover she'd gone there because of a man.

I’ve never had an issue with the travelling, don’t get me wrong it is a lot of prep with two young children and can be a chaotic few hours, but we have always been happy to do it. It will however get harder when my eldest starts school this year.

I don’t think they would ever expect that from us, they are fully aware they chose to move away. My sister also lives near by to them, so they will still have support.

You were 24 when they moved though - young enough that life could have taken you anywhere at that point and rightly so

Would you have had them give up their dream on the chance that you would stay where you are? They would have run a serious risk of staying, of life/work/opportunities/whatever meaning you moved elsewhere, and of missing the chance to live where they really wanted

Yes 24 and still young, however settled down with my long term partner in our own home, both with very good and stable jobs, and planning on starting a family. And never ever wanted to or mentioned moving elsewhere, so I don’t agree with that statement.

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