Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish?

[Whatthefork1]

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

Living hours away, often in a different country, from parents is completely normal im my circle so I would have absolutely no issue with this. I would say living in your hometown with your parents these days is probably the exception.

I wouldn’t like it OP. But I don’t think it makes her bad or selfish. I had my son young. Became a single parent at 21. I already moved away from home before falling pregnant (3 hr drive) and my parents waited till their youngest (my little sister), finished her GCSE’s then sold their house and moved 10 mins down the road from me. It’s changed me and my son’s lives completely, and I will forever be in debt to them. With that being said though, I know I was never “entitled” to it, I never even asked them to. I do think it’s different tho being a single parent with no support vs being in a relationship, perhaps if the circumstances were different she would’ve stayed but it sounds like you are stable and supported which is a good thing. If you want her close, is moving an option for you?

My parents moved 6 hrs away a couple of years ago. I don’t think the move makes them selfish. Their insistence we all come and visit all the time, and sulking when we don’t, however…
I feel like shouting “if you wanted to see your grandchildren all the time, you shouldn’t have moved, you idiots”.
I have no issue travelling to see them, but it’s not as frequent as they’d like, and I have very little sympathy for their lamenting that they don’t see my children as much as my in laws do. My in laws live 20 mins down the road.

No, of course it doesn’t make them selfish.

Yes it's selfish, so good for them. We are all selfish to an extent. If I wanted to move or retire to a certain place I don't think that should be dictated by where my family live. If you're bothered you could move closer to them. They could of stayed where they were before and then you moved away. They've raised their children and now can live where they please. They're still in the same country. Your partner is an idiot.

My MIL moved from being around 3-4 hours away to 6 hours away. She’s perfectly entitled to but also complains she doesn’t know the kids well and expects us to visit which due to work/kids sport is often very tricky. But her choice and her loss.
The other way around I don’t think your DP is being fair.

@Whatthefork1 did you never feel you wanted to move somewhere different, or have to move due to work?

In my experience, the parents who do this, move back once their spouse/partner dies, without stopping to ask the adult children how they feel about it. The adult children are then expected to provide elderly care with no questions asked, be entertainment and life admin personal assistant 24/7.

Without thinking too hard, these are just the recent ones I personally know of:

Moved to Spain, leaving only child in early 20s in UK. Moved back decade later immediately after spouse died. Wanted care.

Moved 4 hours away in UK decades ago, when adult children were early 20s, moving back to near daughter to avoid one of them going in a care home. Want care.

Neighbour moved two hours away in sixties for retirement. Spouse died last year. Moving back this year to near only child. Want care.

Other neighbour. Moved three hours away in sixties for retirement. Spouse died recently. Told me directly “I’m going to move right near to my son. He’s got away lucky so far. I’ll need help now I’m older.” Wants care.

Not one asked the adult children their thoughts and wishes. They’ve all just announced it.

They all seem happy to go off and do their own thing when it is to their gain but the speed at which they return when then need help is rapid.

I only think is selfish if they expect you to visit all the time or complain they don’t see you or the grandchildren.
But I wouldn’t like it because I only like visiting my DP’s for a couple of hours or even 30 minutes then come home. Wouldn’t like having to stay overnight or them stay overnight either.
I’m in a working class family/area and living close by is normal in my social circle. Living close by was brilliant when my children became teenagers they visited whenever.

I don't know that it's any more selfish than adult children moving four hours away from their parents.

No I’ve never felt that way, our whole life has always been here and we have no reason or want to move away. I work remotely so would never have to move due to work and my DP works for himself.

for them to say they don’t see your children as much as your in laws 20 mins away is crazy

So your Mum and stepdad moved to be nearer to your sister? Have I understood that correctly?

No. It's not selfish. Its ok for parents to do what they want once their children are grown.

You should ask them what on earth they thought would happen when they moved 6 hours away.

I presume they stayed in your local childhood area and gave you the benefit of stability in not moving about?
How long do parents of adult children have to make life choices that ristrict what they want in their later years?
Unless they are berating you for not visiting then of course they haven't been selfish, not at all.
Your husband though, wow, now his pov is selfish and a bit gross.

At 24, I was settled in a county 4hrs away from my parents. My younger brother was 7hrs away.

My parents then up and moved from Cornwall back to Scotland.

I had a momentary pout about having nowhere to kip when I went back to Cornwall to see my mates then got over myself. I'd left home years before and had no intention of moving back in with my parents ever again.

All parents are entitled to live their lives without being beholden to their adult children.

I would never move away from my kids.

Does this mean that if you decide to have children you never get to make your own life decisions ever again? Adult children are “allowed” to move away from their parents but the parents must just hang around in case they are ever needed for the rest of their lives. But never be too demanding about seeing said adult children or seeing any grandchildren, unless to provide unlimited childcare of course, as that would be wrong and then adult children would be justified in going NC. Presumably at this point it would be okay for the parents to move, or just disappear in some other way.
No wonder we have a birth rate problem in this country, if you want to have choices in life, you can’t have children it seems.

Gosh I’d be proud of my parents for doing this. I’m always encouraging them to move somewhere exciting once they’ve finished paying the mortgage off and sell up. Preferably somewhere nice that me and the kids can come stay for a holiday and get some sun

Well if his parents are close, can't they do that stuff? Why the double standard?

Sorry but what? Your parents have every right to live their lives, you are an adult. I moved , neither of my decline where we last live, why should I stay put?

@FlyingAppleone of my dc is 3 hour flight away and the other 1 hour flight, parents can move too!

I wouldn't move away from mine.

You are wrong for not moving when they did.