Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish?

[Whatthefork1]

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner i am in that situation with my own parents and yes it is not easy at all but I respect their decision making and I am not going to put my life on hold for theirs nor did I want them to do it for mine.

Your husband has a point - they are by definition selfish - they’ve put themselves first. They are just that bit too far away to be called on in an emergency or as a favour. I couldn’t imagine doing that unless it was a necessity due to work. My in-laws moved 8 hours drive away the moment first grand child arrived - it was pointed and planned. No expectation of help from us and their relationship with grandchildren is distant which is sad but perhaps what they wanted. My parents on the other hand have had all the cuddles and fun and their lives have been all the better for it.

Gosh OP you are getting an absolute roasting.

There seems to be a huge amount of anger and outrage, from people who seem to be using false accusations as deflection and denial.

It is a really simple concept and YANBU to feel sad that your mum chose to move far enough away that it makes visiting difficult, and alters how your relationship will be.

I think many people are throwing accusations of you expecting childcare to create a smokescreen.

When a family member knowingly moves a distance away from another loved family member, they ARE choosing to value the new place/set up/sea view/warm climate/location over the value of seeing their relative more.

There are times when a long distance move is unavoidable for economical and other practical reasons.

And it’s ok to move for a sea view or more fancy house, or warmer weather, or Spanish tapas, or whatever the dream is.

But you can’t expect those you leave behind to feel brilliant about themselves when you leave.

I can’t understand why people can’t just own it. Why can’t they admit that they are at a stage in their lives where they put more value on a different area/new place, than seeing their family more. It’s not a crime. We can’t control what we want. But at least own it rather than aggressively tell the OP that she is selfish and only wants childcare.

OP to have a right to feel sad. I feel for you.

Thank you so much for your comment. I haven’t posted many threads on MN yet and this one has really blown up and I’ll be honest, there are some really angry people on here.

Some of the accusations and assumptions are completely wild and actually I’m glad that someone else can see that as I was starting to question my own integrity.

Your thread title is fairly provocative to be fair. You asked for people’s opinions and you have received them. Time to ponder whether you do indeed have selfish parents.

@Whatthefork1 but your mum does have a close relationship with you and the GC, she also likes the area she lives in (your DC like visiting) and she works there. She's happy.

Realistically, if she works how much time would you have spent together if she lived round the corner?

When you moved 30 minutes, was that closer or further away from where your DM lives.

The gaslighting of you has been quite sickening to witness. The extreme aggression towards you feels as though it comes from people who will do anything to shut you down. Your feelings are totally valid. My sister moved away decades ago. Abroad. It hurt then. It hurts now. Her reasons have always been for better weather, better houses. Sometimes I dream that one day she will return, because the amount she misses me will override the lure of her new location. It won’t happen. Most of the times I am ok with it. Sometimes I cry hard about it in my weaker moments. I love her. I respect her decision. But there are still times I grieve the loss of what my life could have been like if I had her closer. You take care and ignore the hate you are getting on here.

@Whatthefork1 I’ll be honest, there are some really angry people on here.

Another accusation and nothing more.

Does your sister expcet you to move to where she is?

Would it be better if she had stayed, missed the opportunities she has and she was the one grieving what her life could have been?

You really expect an adult woman to have put you first instead of herself and/family?

I really do agree with you, thank you for seeing that.
im sorry to hear about your sister, it definitely is hard when you have such a close relationship and love them dearly. Like you say, yes you respect their decision but it doesn’t make it any easier.

When I was little one set of GPs lived by the beach, used to love going to visit them and playing on the beach. When they were older they moved closer to my parents, I missed the trips to the beach 😀

When DC was little no GPs lived near us as we moved for work. They still had a close relationship with them. One GP lives quite close to their uni so they will sometimes go and visit them, independent of us. Distance doesn't always mean you can't have a close relationship.

I think the bond between children and grandparents is the most beautiful thing in the world. I was lucky yi have that. It gave me all the things my parents couldnt give as were too busy, stressed. I had unconditional love, affection, abundance of warmth and care from my grandparents.
My mum was not like my granny and havent been that type of granny.

i’m sure she doesn’t expect her sister to put her first before her own dreams and wishes. But she’s still allowed to feel upset by the distance.

I think it’s quite clear some users are clearly angry by the tone of their posts.

No. I’m just extremely sad because I love her and miss her and we only have a fixed number of days on this planet and as I get older I know the distance means I won’t see her lovely face for much longer. There have been hundreds of occasions I’ve grieved her loss over the years. I’m glad she’s happy. I’m proud she got her dream. But do I miss her? Yes. In my very bones.

That's understandable, but would you move to be closer to her or she could move back one day?

I think it's without a doubt ok to be sad - you don't see someone as much as you'd like but to accuse them of being selfish for going is not - thinking someone should put your needs ahead of theirs is doormat territory - and it's just not a healthy way to see other people's lives and decisions.
In the times when people close to me have left it never occurred to me to consider that they had ranked a house, a location, a job, an education etc higher than their love for me - I just don't think like that and it must be very hard on your self esteem if you take the life decisions that people need to make, as a slight on you.
If one of my loved one's wanted to move country or town (including my kids) and they didn't because of me - I'd be gutted if I found out that I had stood in their way, I'd feel I'd ruined someone's life, I'd feel responsible for their happiness - because they gave it up for me - not flattered that they loved me more. Your way of thinking is so alien to me.

Don’t be so patronising. My self esteem is fine. I am no doormat. Another poster trying to deflect. I never said she was selfish. I said I think people on this thread are showing anger and aggression and using name calling (doormat, alien, low self esteem, and someone called me something so insulting it was removed by admin) and put downs, to portray the OP’s feelings as something unreasonable. People move away who we love. We miss them. We wish they lived closer. It’s quite simple. Just because it might make those who left uncomfortable, doesn’t mean there is anything irrational about grieving someone who moved away.

I can’t get in to the country she lives in visa wise, and even if I got a visa, I can’t afford the cost of living there or the property prices. I also can’t afford the flights and as a result I haven’t been to her house in over fifteen years. It’s very sad.

Officially: ‘No’. Your mum is an adult, you are an adult, she can do what she wants.

Unofficially: I am a mum of kids around age 30 and I would not move further away from them. Apart from the fact that I want to be near them so I can see lots of them, easily and without horrible travelling escapades, I want to be on hand to help them when they have kids. So I think your mum has done an odd thing.

I didn't mean you were a doormat - I meant not doing what you want in life, not moving away to pursue your dreams because it upsets another adult is being a doormat or are you meant to give up your dreams forever when you have a child?
The title of the thread is Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish? Apologies but I thought you were agreeing with the OP.

There's nothing irrational about loving someone and grieving their loss, I agree - but suggesting they moved away because they don't love you enough, they love their dreams more - well that does make me think you have self esteem problems.

I'm guessing DP's parents live next door to their son?

Yes @cleancoffeemachine , you can grieve the fact that you don't see a loved one regularly while also being happy that they're living their best life.

I understand missing someone, it's the OP's partner calling her Mum "selfish" that I don't understand. He's obviously not happy for her, he sees her in terms of what she can do for them.

No, they live around a 20 minute drive away. Why?

Oh, god forbid someone agrees and understands what I am trying to say on this thread.