Does moving four hours away from adult children make parents selfish?

[Whatthefork1]

Does moving 4 hours away from your adult children make you a bad parent?

Around 7 years ago my mum and stepdad moved a 4 hour drive away, down south. It was very upsetting for me at the time as I have always been so close to my mum. This was before I had children, my eldest is nearly 5 so a couple of years before that.

I was at the time 24 and in a long term relationship with my now DP who I have two children with, we owned our own home and had our own life, as we still do of course. However mum and stepdad knew that we were going to start a family very soon.

DP has always said it was selfish and makes them not great parents; because why would they want to move so far away from us. I have always tried to defend their actions by saying they have always wanted to move there it’s their dream etc. but on the other hand, even though my children are still small, I can’t see me ever wanting to move that distance away from them, and not having a close relationship with them and one day their children.

dont get me wrong, we are still very close and I chat to my mum on a daily basis. They visit us / we visit them probably every 6-8 weeks. But I can’t help but feel how much easier and how much nicer my life would be if my mum were still close by, being able to pop over to her for a cuppa tea, go out for the day together, spend time with the grandchildren etc. it’s been really hard not having that especially during the early postpartum days.

So i’m interested to hear other people’s views on this.

Wow. Good on your parents for living their lives!

We will need to move away when our children are around the same age (mid 20s) as the city we live in is too expensive to retire in. So we will sell the house and downsize in a cheaper area at that point to help self fund the rest of our lives.

Yes it gets a lot harder when they go to school. This is where we are at the moment. My parents moved away many years ago and we now have two DCs, one at school and one at nursery. It’s hard as they are too far away to visit for just one night, so we are pretty limited to school holidays or long weekends, or sometimes we try and go after school on a Friday. But DD wants to see friends and do her activity holiday clubs in the holidays too, and then of course there are birthday parties lots of weekends too. So it’s often them making the journey, which is getting harder for them as they get older. We also won’t be able to be around for them much when they need help as they age, especially as we’ll have two teenagers at that time.

I don’t think my parents are selfish for moving away, and do want them to do what makes them happy. I just wish that being close to us and in our DCs lives would make them happy and be what they want to do.

I simply don’t understand this sort of attitude. My parents lived an eight hour drive from us for most of my children’s childhoods. We moved for work. We came back to live for six years to the area where they lived in the hope that our kids would know their grandparents better. They weren’t really interested at all. We moved away again .

My own mother moved to another country from her parents and saw her mother about four times during our lives before her mother died. She saw her father once.

In-laws were a nine hour drive away . We saw them once a year if at all.

It’s lovely if you get on really well and are close but you can’t expect your parents to put aside their own needs and wishes to suit your agenda. You sound immature.

I emigrated and left my adult child in the UK. I must be a terrible parent.

You absolutely can. But don’t expect your terms to be celebrated by them if you suddenly decide to move back near them, injecting yourself into a life you knowingly and happily disengaged from, so that they can care for you when you are elderly. I’ve seen this countless times and it is breathtakingly self serving.

So parents should live very close to their children all their lives so that someone will be there to care for them in their old age? What a bizarre attitude. You think parents should shape where they live for their whole lives on the prospect of needing care in later life?

I don’t think it is as simple OP as saying it makes them selfish. I understand that parents want to think of themselves after years of raising their own children.

BUT, the hard facts are, that it impacts the way your adult relationship will be with your adult children for life, and in ways you can’t see and predict now. Long term, after many years, it becomes a very heart breaking and sad memory that you lost so much time together as a family unit. And as I’ve already mentioned once, unreservedly, the parents who do this, are the parents who expect the adult children they left, to somehow then cope with their return and demands when they want care. Which is a real kick in the teeth when they chose to see you less, in favour of a different house/location/way of life. It does hurt. It does feel terrible many times throughout life. You are not good enough to stick around for when it suits them, but will be asked to give up your life when they need you more.

There will be denial of this, and the waving of arms, as they declare ‘I’ll pay for care and I won’t rely on anyone’ but this is not in reality how old age and decline works. Old age makes people extremely self centred, and when that time comes, it is likely that living near to you again will suddenly be at the top of their wish list. You could feel used and hurt. Be warned.

This. Your dp sounds thoroughly self centred, lazy and a bit pathetic really. Isn't he capable of looking after his own family? Is he scared of motorways?

I drove 6 hours on Easter Sunday to visit another city. I'm in my 60s, work full time. It was no issue at all. Left early, no traffic, then left late, again no traffic. What is his issue?

I love my parents but I would absolutely hate it if they 'popped in' weekly. It's bad enough having to fit in seeing my in laws every month. I love them too but life is busy and I would dearly love for them to have more of their own life in their 70s. It's not okay for your life to still evolve around your adult children.

But why did either of you let that happen? 6 hours is nothing. Most people do that to go on holiday every year. Are you saying your holiday was more important than your own parents?

My job has required me to travel further than that in a day. A meeting in East Kilbride a week ago took longer than that, each way. I really don't get it. What a fuss about such short distances.

Absolutely not. That’s my entire point. I think it is awful that parents locate themselves deliberately to receive care. My point was that in my experience, people who want to move away from their adult children on their terms, often have the type of personality traits which mean they do focus on their own wishes and wants, before others.

Which also means that when they get to the stage in life of needing help, those same personality types are MORE LIKELY to be the most demanding in terms of care. And just as they moved away focusing on their own wishes, they move back, focusing on their own wishes.

You should not expect your adult children to care for you in older age full stop. Wherever you live.

But the MOST DEMANDING parents I’ve seen, in terms of ruining an adult child’s life with care needs, have all been the ones who happily left without a care in the world. And the speed at which they suddenly change their view on living further away is shocking.

It makes sense if you think about it. It’s just an amplified version of parents who stay living nearby, and don’t bother much with their adult children, or put themselves out much, then expect them to give up their lives for them when they need care.

If anyone has the right to feel aggrieved in this situation I’d say it’s your sister.

Sounds like they didn’t greatly care about her situation at that time. I’m glad to hear she’s doing ok now.

At 24, you were an adult with a long term partner and suitable housing. I completely disagree with your DH that they were selfish to move at all. It’s fine that you don’t want to leave your DC when they’re older but what if they want to move away from you? Would you or your DH say they’re selfish if they decide to move 4 hours away?

Having family close by when you age is important imo

Wow your dp sounds like a peach. How lovely of him to criticise your parents for living their own lives. Not sure I could stomach this tbh.

Your mother is a woman with her own life.

She existed before you. And has volition.

There’s a strange assumption though that ‘leaving’ means not living in the place where parents brought their children up. These days very few people live in one place all their lives. I’ve lived all over the country. My parents moved areas constantly during my childhood. I went to university several hours away from the ‘family home’. I then got married and moved to the other end of the country. Moved about every four years when married. This concept that people live in one town all their lives with family down the road is very outdated in the modern world.
Also, it is up to both parties to travel to each other . The onus isn’t just for the parents or just for the children to travel. Take it in turns. A few hours drive is nothing.

Your partner is a stirrer saying those things.

6 hours is not nothing. It totally changes how you live your life trying to mould it around visits to see people. It impacts how you live for years.

I cannot relate to this at all. You’re an adult, not a dependent child. She’s your mum not your maid.

Why is your partner trying to create a rift between you? Is he a lazy dad who thinks childcare is women’s work?

Yes she’s made a choice that means she’s not on hand to spend time week to week with grandchildren. She did that knowingly, so there must have been benefits that outweighed that disadvantage - or maybe she didn’t see it as a disadvantage, she may feel she’s done her parenting and would rather be ‘fun holiday granny’.

Have you asked her?

YANBU. I bought a house 10 mins away from my mum. It’s great as like you say, we can visit each other and meet up so easily and more spontaneously. I will not be moving far from my own children when they grow up, up to them if they do, but I will be their consistent. I want to continue having a close relationship with them and any GCs, and that for me means being able to meet in person easily and regularly. I also want to be available to provide support to them if they have any health problems or emergencies with their own children.

I also want to be fully involved with any care my mum needs as she ages. I was very hands on with caring for my late FIL, and I saw how things changed with him as he aged and became unable to drive etc. We always drove his GC to him very regularly, and I was glad he wasn’t any further away as we could get to him ASAP in emergencies (which happened more frequently).

I’m not it’s fair to judge your parents on hypothetical decisions you think you’d make in 20 years’ time.

Right now your children are dependent on you, so of course you can’t imagine being away from them. 24 years is very different, and you have no idea where life will take you.

I’d question the integrity of your husband dropping poison into your ear about their perfectly reasonably choice.

What if you can’t afford to live near your children if they are living in an expensive area? Or the cost of moving house to follow them around? Or they marry someone who doesn’t want you living down the road? My DIL and I get in well but she has exoressly said to me that she doesn’t want us living closer than an hour away. I would love to be closer to them but a move would be very expensive and they live in an area where housing is expensive . How do you know that your children won’t move again anyway? Parents can’t base their lives around following their adult children so they can be on the doorstep .

At this moment whilst my children are young - I’m also a lone parent - I can’t imagine ever living far from them or at least in the middle if they all spread out a bit. But I may feel - like my parents clearly did - that I’d done my “bit” and deserve to live a life I want by the time they are adults and hopefully settled in their own families. And if my children choose to move hours away for work etc then I should be able to do the same?

TBH I’ve never thought about whether it was selfish of my parents to move so far (at the time I was pregnant with twins after multiple losses) …. It’s made me think about it actually overnight….. they’ve always very much been “my way or the highway” as parents - what they said went. (And still does) but then again why would they move in the middle of my siblings and to an area they don’t want to just because we are here? My parents always made it clear they would never provide regular childcare and there was a bit of a fall out for a while when i mooted post divorce whether I move to live near them as clearly that never factored in their relocation plans!

There are plenty of reasons why children and parents would live in different places though. I moved away for university and then to a city with more job options. I don’t think family should be expected to live very near each other as it’s usually just not how life works out. Your parents can live where they want and so can you. At least you’re in the same Country!