Help with 18 yr old DS respecting house rules

[anotherglass]

My DS (19) is home from University for the holidays. I feel at the end of my tether with some of his behaviours while home, which I don't feel are respectful. While home he can come and go as he pleases but all I ask is that if going out at night he lets us know a general idea of where he's going / who with, and what time he'll be back. I also ask that he keeps his phone charged. We live in a semi rural area which is relatively safe but it is dark at night.
For background, he is prone to impulsive / risky behaviour such as binge drinking and setting off on jaunts at the spur of the moment, with little planning or telling anyone. He has got himself into some bad states where he has been left vulnerable in clubs, and while on holiday. I have explained how this makes us feel and that we are concerned but he dismisses how I feel / or acknowledge the issue. Last night things came to a head when I could hear the front door opening at 8.30pm and him heading out. I asked where he was going and he got annoyed and slammed the door on me. It was minus 5 degrees and the roads are very slippery and treacherous. I am at the end of my tether and about to ask him to leave and go back to his uni hall. I suffer from general anxiety is not helped by the fact that DH does not back me and setting some ground rules in the house, leaving me isolated. Please help me deal with this in a constructive way that helps DS and protects my mental health. Thankyou

I get you worry all parents worry
but your being unreasonable he’s a 19 year old adult
living away from home independently
honestly at 19 ( unless he’s got additional needs ) if he gets himself in trouble when he’s out he can sort it himself otherwise he will never learn
your DH not in the wrong ether
you need to back off or ultimately your DS won’t bother coming home

The above poster is correct. He is a man now and responsible for his own actions. He probably resents being asked to account for where he is going and what time he is coming back. You need to back off to some extent and if he gets into trouble let him make his own arrangements. Tell him to pack himself back off to his uni hall and get on with it. When he finished uni he can go into a house share and take some responsibility for himself.

I worry because he does risky / reckless things. For example, he likes walking through parks late at night with his headphones on. He doesn't see this as a risky behaviour. These are the kinds of things that keep me up at night with worry.

you are being unreasonable. He seems th have survived at least a term at uni. You have to let him get on with his life or, as already suggested, he will stop coming home.

@anotherglass I don't consider walking through parks late at night with headphones on as risky unless you live somewhere rough? I think you need to grit your teeth and leave him be tbh. All parents of older teens have to learn to let go a bit.

I’m sorry but YABU. I get that you worry but you can’t ask a 19 year old to let you know where he’s going, who with and for how long. Part of the joy of being that age is the freedom of having no plans and seeing where the day takes you. You can insist that he is respectful, doesn’t disturb others if he’s returning home late, no cooking at 3am etc but otherwise leave him be. It’s not his job to manage your anxiety.

He is getting on with life? He is not stopped from going out. I am not happy for my home to be treated like a hotel. My eldest DS respects this and is respectful when going out about keeping in touch if getting back late etc.

I understand entirely how you feel, I have a 19year old boy and 20 year old girl, both managing to live their lives when I’m not with them but when they’re home, it’s so easy to revert to ‘mum’ mode. I do t worry half as much when they’re away which makes no sense really.
The last thing I want is to push them away so I make sure that I am busy myself which distracts me. However, the long and short of it is that it’s my issue, not theirs. I grit my teeth and wish them a good time. It’s hard but you just have to keep your mouth shut 😃

You have the right to ask when he'll be back (roughly) because that's just normal info to share with other people in a house, but he is of a legal age to make his own choices outside the house.

What's the underlying cause of the risky choices do you think?

Thanks. I think a lot of his behaviour stems from emotional immaturity, but I worry about his self esteem. He is an introvert type who doesn't find it overly easy to make friends, even though he has a friendship group. He is in his own world a lot of the time, and likes to listen to music wherever he goes. The prospect of him getting mugged / having an accident at night in this icy weather does worry me.

I am the same; I worry less when he is at Uni than when he is at home under my roof. I also try and grit my teeth, but are you kids sensible types? Do they wander through parks at night listening to music? It's hard to grit your teeth knowing they are doing stupid things.

If he is staying in your home, a rough approximation of when he will be back is courtesy. But that’s it. I suggest a calm sit down at some point saying that if he can’t politely give you that he doesn’t get to stay. Say you will stop asking for extra information as you appreciate he is an adult, but that this basic information (voluntarily given in a mannerly way) is non-negotiable.

I get that he might resent being asked for basic information about where he is going and to have his phone charged if out late. But his elder bro doesn't have an issue with this. He understands it is concern not control. We look out for eachother. I will continue to worry while the younger DS does stupid stuff.

Op, you have been given good, consistent advice here.

Sorry but I don't ever think it is sensible to be on your own in a park late a night and not be fully aware of your surroundings.

Why is it teens have a problem with saying where they are going? I don't leave home, or my husband for that matter, without saying where I'm going, so why should my/a teen be any different? It's seems a rite of passage to not tell parents what you ate doing, yet an actual adult would seem very odd just leaving the home without saying 'I'm off to Tesco/the pub/for a walk/to Jamie's'

It’s very hard for students who have been used to living independently at Uni then having to come back to the family dynamic which they may find stifling by comparison. I think this is a “you” problem OP. As you say you have no idea what he gets up to while he’s away, so why worry while he’s at home? I agree the minimum courtesy is to know if you should lock the front door or not but otherwise those apron strings need to be cut. He’s responsible fur his own safety, our job as parents of grown up kids is to sit on our hands, keep schtum and be there if/when it goes tits up

Because they don’t have to tell anyone where they are going while at Uni - which can feel liberating and “grown up”

I think you need to back off.

When my son stays he’s always me know if he’s going out, mainly so I know whether he’ll want to eat first, and if he’s going to be back later or stay with his girlfriend or mates. I think that is a basic common courtesy for any houseguest.
He’ll mostly mention where he’s going and who with and I’ll probably ask what his mates are up to these days but I wouldn’t dream of telling him to have his phone charged or want details of how he’s getting home.

He did some pretty risky things- drink and drugs - at uni which I’ve only found out about later. But I don’t think any of it was worse than I used to do.

I completely understand how you're feeling, I definitely would too! But I would steer away from making this about rules, which are likely to make him resent you. Can you talk to him when he's more relaxed during the day and explain gently that you love him and worry so it's more about that than wanting to impose rules on him.

Your home is also his home though. You’re being extremely controlling here - he’s an adult, is able to make his own decisions and take his own risks. When my DDs were that age they would tell me if they were going out and if they’d be home late or be staying at a friends.

How do you know he’s not fully aware? Has he ever been attacked in the park when walking home? Or anywhere else?

I think this is great advice op! Now is the time to take up new hobbies, be extra busy doing stuff that brings you joy and fulfilment and get on living your own life so you don’t have time to stress too much about your young adult son.

Your son will make mistakes and he will learn from them. You are being a bit too over-protective. It’s natural to worry and we could spend our lives worrying ourselves to death about what might happen but if you worry out loud too much you are inadvertently giving them the impression that they can’t trust themselves to make good decisions.

So I suggest flipping things and if you absolutely have to say something, don’t say “avoid the park at night with your headphones on” turn it around and say “I trust you to handle yourself and be aware of your surroundings have a good night” It’s a mindset shift. If you are a prudent, cautious person generally, you will have already given them all of the warnings and the skills. But at a certain point they have to test them out for themselves.

Mine when home from uni have to cook a family meal once a week for which they shop and clear up, do their own laundry, let us know if they will be eating dinner with us or not, and let us know by WhatsApp message their whereabouts if they are staying over with friends later than 2am. Other than that they are doing their own thing and I don’t really see them.

It's a control issue. They are removing control from you and taking it themselves. It's like when you ask them what they did at school or what they had for lunch, you'll get a 'dunno,' or 'not much.'

They know perfectly well, they just don't want to tell you.

Who's paying for him to be at uni? If he's supporting himself, then yes he's an adult and should be courteous and adult enough to keep you informed. If it's you helping him then he's not really independent - you're funding his freedom and he should therefore also be respectful.

Headphones and parks, you're quite correct, security advice is to always maintain situation awareness - you could get him some more open headphones that mean he's more aware, but I would say this is risky behaviour and I get your concern. It's also, sadly, very normal behaviour for his peer group!

If you try to set rules you can refer to him as adult and therefore needing to understand respectful behaviours, and it's coming out of love and concern for him. Until he's working and providing his own accommodation then getting him to be accountable shouldn't make you feel bad. Good luck.