Help with 18 yr old DS respecting house rules

[anotherglass]

My DS (19) is home from University for the holidays. I feel at the end of my tether with some of his behaviours while home, which I don't feel are respectful. While home he can come and go as he pleases but all I ask is that if going out at night he lets us know a general idea of where he's going / who with, and what time he'll be back. I also ask that he keeps his phone charged. We live in a semi rural area which is relatively safe but it is dark at night.
For background, he is prone to impulsive / risky behaviour such as binge drinking and setting off on jaunts at the spur of the moment, with little planning or telling anyone. He has got himself into some bad states where he has been left vulnerable in clubs, and while on holiday. I have explained how this makes us feel and that we are concerned but he dismisses how I feel / or acknowledge the issue. Last night things came to a head when I could hear the front door opening at 8.30pm and him heading out. I asked where he was going and he got annoyed and slammed the door on me. It was minus 5 degrees and the roads are very slippery and treacherous. I am at the end of my tether and about to ask him to leave and go back to his uni hall. I suffer from general anxiety is not helped by the fact that DH does not back me and setting some ground rules in the house, leaving me isolated. Please help me deal with this in a constructive way that helps DS and protects my mental health. Thankyou

What do you do when he’s away at university? Presumably you have no idea if he’s in or out, let alone who he’s with or what he’s doing? Yet I’d hazard a guess that what he’s getting up to there is a lot riskier than at home.

if that’s the case, could you compromise and just ask for an ETA on when he’s expected back? That’s perfectly reasonable for adults sharing a household. It’s about practicality (do you lock up/turn off lights/remove key, etc), mutual safety (if you don’t come back and there’s no message, we know to start checking) and courtesy (if we hear someone trying to get in at 3am we might panic and think it’s a burglar unless we know it’s you). These are sensible adult-to-adult reasons and so might not feel quite so infantalising to him.

At University we do not get involved at all in his daily schedule. He comes and goes as he pleases. The issue is when under my roof. I find it harder to relax when the DS are not home on time. I've asked him to text if he's later than a certain time ie 2am or staying out but that doesn't happen consistently. Hence we have issues.

@anotherglass this is the first holiday after going to uni. He’s had a few months of complete freedom and autonomy. He doubtless feels at the peak of his powers, master of all he surveys, answerable to no-one. Then he goes home and hears his Mum kvetching about texting a home time. Those of us with older kids have been there I assure you. I can confidently say it will get better, he will grow up a bit and you will eventually not hear the key in the lock at silly o’clock in the morning because you will be sound asleep. Hang in there and don’t do anything that will sour your relationship longer term. Short term pain for long term gain and all that.

Thank you for this encouarging and measured post.

I’m surprised so many people think the only problem in this scenario is your anxiety. Your checked out husband and aggressive binge drinking son is glossed over. Both these men are creating emotional labour and responsibility that isn’t yours. No wonder you’re anxious. I would be too.

Your husband is on a sweet deal. He has the full benefits of having a family with no emotional responsibility. You carry the full burden. Your son is also on a sweet deal. He gets the benefits of full hotel service, outsourced responsibility and rescue. He creates anxiety and worry that he then resents you for.

I think the only thing I’d insist on is general manners like saying goodbye when he leaves the house. Because that’s really the only thing you can insist on. It is really weird to just leave without a word.

Natural consequences will deal with some of this if you put the responsibility back where it belongs which is on him. If he’s sick in pubs he will be barred. If he becomes a burden to his friends by bingeing they’ll get fed up with him. There’s no reason for anyone to get lost with maps on their phone. If you hear him being sick don’t go in to help him and ensure he cleans up properly the next day. The fact is despite his stories of near misses and dangerous behaviour nothing bad has actually happened to him. It sounds like he quite likes you worrying about him and especially enjoys framing it as you “nagging”

Tell him you don’t want to hear about his antics. You’re his mum not his mate. Also stop the hotel service. You don’t have to do labour for someone who is setting you up to manage them, then resenting you for doing so.

I think it’s entirely reasonable to ask roughly when your young person will be home. Of course it’s different when they’re away at uni but when they’re at home you’re entitled to some basic courtesy. I find it hard to sleep well when mine are out late and they always wake me up when they come in (small house).

OP you use the ‘under my roof’ a lot. The obvious response from an independent adult will be that he spends less and less time ‘under your roof’.

Be careful using the term to your sons - it can be seen as manipulative, controlling or overly authoritarian depending on the context. I remember a few friends who butted heads with parents - the phrase was used a lot - the friends agreed with their parents that they should no longer be under their roof.

Thanks for this insight. I will be mindful of how I use the phrase.

The “under my roof” “disrespect” “like a hotel”
are all 90s phrases used by aggressive parents of teens. Shudder. Gives me flashbacks to the parents of a lovely friend of mine. She lives in Canada now. Permanently.

Walking home alone late at night is normal behaviour. Taxis are expensive.
My ds1 walked home through the woods at 3 am, luckily he didn't tell me in advance.
Freedom makes for magical memories.
Let him make his own mistakes.

I can see why those phrases may mean something specific to you. It's interesting you conclude all parents using those phrases are aggressive, without fully knowing about the family situation.

I expect my teens/adult children to tell me what time they are likely to be home. I expect them to let me know if they are in for meals. I also expect this from my partner. My partner and my children expect similiar from me.

It makes living together easier, it's about safety (we care about each other) and it is respectful. It's not being nosey or controlling.

Though my household happily share when they are expected home and don't see it as an issue.

But how will you actually stop him doing the things you don’t approve of? Throwing him out from “under your roof” is pretty harsh at such a young age but is actually the only power you still have. He doesn’t have to obey you he’s an adult.

@anotherglass were you ever a teenager at university. I was at Uni in the 00s and what you're describing as reckless behaviour was standard 1st year behaviour.

I am not trying to stop him doing the things I don’t approve of. I may not like him walking in the park late at night but I cannot stop him. I haven't threatened to kick him out. I can only warn him of the consequences of choices.
Your post creates an imagined position, not the reality of my home.

Then he will finally learn. As he’s unlikely to come to serious harm, you might just have to wait for him to learn from experience.

I have a son of the same age - he can also be quite impulsive. I have learnt that I just have to back off (however hard it is). I ask him to message me if he wants some dinner and message me when he gets in (otherwise I don’t always hear him). It’s really hard but they are ‘adults’

I don’t want to track my adult kids, I don’t need to know where they, what they are doing or who they are with. I just want to know who is in my house. Especially overnight. So a heads up from them is not a big issue - well they don’t think so. Likewise, if I am going out I let them know and give them a vague idea of what time I am due home. If that changes then I put it on the family chat as do my adult dc. If anyone is not coming home that night, for whatever reason, again we all just let the family chat know. Everybody says hi and bye when coming home or going out. It’s all actually very simple and nobody minds doing it.
eta my teens (under 16) do the same though not whether they are staying out all night 🤣

Same vibe here. That said I used to track dd2 as she was a party girl and would roam around from friend to friends house aged 14-16. Eased off that now she’s 17 and don’t track dd1 aged 19.

But he is 19! He will move out, get married and you’ll wonder why they spend so much time with her parents! Your anxiety is your problem. By all means step back from providing a full laundry service, meals etc., but the more you try to keep a hold, the more he’ll pull away.

House rules that people say where they are going and when they will be back are not daft - it means someone has your back when things go wrong

DD in her student house sharing days they all followed a similar pattern - keep a little awareness of what each other was up to. She did save someone’s life as a result .
yes people live on their own but that doesn’t mean everyone needs to act as though they do

OPs house her rules. You would expect guests who stay at Christmas or Summer to respect your home rules so why would you make an exception for your son. If anything you are treating him like an adult by imposing rules. He will understand that when he has his own place he can do the same.

God I don’t think of my university aged kids in the same bracket as other house guests. It’s their home when their only other option is a room in halls. How weird and sad.

Because a child is NOT a guest, never will be even if they have bought their own home.

There’s an odd and unsavoury enthusiasm for “rules” on this thread. Can’t see that boding well for your ongoing relationship with your now adult child…