Help with 18 yr old DS respecting house rules

[anotherglass]

My DS (19) is home from University for the holidays. I feel at the end of my tether with some of his behaviours while home, which I don't feel are respectful. While home he can come and go as he pleases but all I ask is that if going out at night he lets us know a general idea of where he's going / who with, and what time he'll be back. I also ask that he keeps his phone charged. We live in a semi rural area which is relatively safe but it is dark at night.
For background, he is prone to impulsive / risky behaviour such as binge drinking and setting off on jaunts at the spur of the moment, with little planning or telling anyone. He has got himself into some bad states where he has been left vulnerable in clubs, and while on holiday. I have explained how this makes us feel and that we are concerned but he dismisses how I feel / or acknowledge the issue. Last night things came to a head when I could hear the front door opening at 8.30pm and him heading out. I asked where he was going and he got annoyed and slammed the door on me. It was minus 5 degrees and the roads are very slippery and treacherous. I am at the end of my tether and about to ask him to leave and go back to his uni hall. I suffer from general anxiety is not helped by the fact that DH does not back me and setting some ground rules in the house, leaving me isolated. Please help me deal with this in a constructive way that helps DS and protects my mental health. Thankyou

You need to find it then. This is a you problem that is manifesting itself onto your kids. If you want them to see spending time with you as duty or obligation at best then crack on.

OP I am interested that your older son doesn’t push back. You talk about him understanding its concern and not control. You talk a lot about the impact of your younger son on your mental health.

is you older son complying with your demands to help manage your mental health rather than because he thinks it’s reasonable.

This controlling and suffocating behavior will come back to bite at some stage. It’s not fair to put the monkey of your anxiety onto their backs.

I understand it makes you feel better - you have to say these things to relieve your intense anxiety. Need to demand phones are fully charged, know exactly where these men are, with whom and what time they will return home. Control their drinking and the routes they take home. That all makes you feel better, but it makes them feel worse: you have normalised this behaviour to such an extent that anyone who questions it is dismissed.

That's not your son's problem though. Another one saying that you need to back off and let him get on with it.

Supporting your mental health is not his responsibility. You're being very emotionally manipulative and you're risking your relationship with both your sons. The one who refuses to engage with it and the one who goes along with it for a quiet life.

Do you track him, OP?

Hello, to clear things up. I am not making the demands on DS that you describe. I don't demand to know where he is at all times or when he will be back. As to the routes home, he has a habit of walking home alone late at night / early morning after a night out. I have told him it is better to walk in a group. He walks through parks late at night because he likes it. How would you feel in my shoes with all of this? It is a struggle to get at ease with this. I do ask that he has his phone charged because my concern is that he is vulnerable late at night walking home alone to mugging or a fall on the ice. The eldest now understands my concerns and is sensitve to them, hence he is communicative when out. I don't bother him though.

This is overblown. The kid does stupid things like walking home alone late at night after clubbing, in an area known for muggings. How do you get easy with this?

The youngest DS is going through the reckless stupid young man phase. It is a nagging worry whenever he goes out.

Walking home late and walking through parks is completely normal though. I do it all the time and I live in a big city.

Ah well you cannot really - just tell him if he gets mugged to hand his phone over (that’s what we have had to do) it’s not easy but rather an insurance claim than a stabbed son.

There has been at least 5 instances of reckless behaviour in the past six months that I have heard of after the fact. Now, given the artic conditions, I am even more unsettled with him going out. I would love to be able to chill and let him get on with it but I am on edge when he goes out, due to these instances.

That is normal for you when drunk after a late night out? Our advice as a family is to stick with a group where possible. I just think this is sensible.

But there’s nothing you can actually do. He is no longer under your control. That’s what you have to come to terms with.

I appreciate it’s hard dd1 at 18 who is petite travelled round a not particularly safe area of the world independently with an equally tiny female friend. Yes us and the other parents didn’t love it but it’s what they wanted to do and they had an incredible time. Fretting over a male roaming around his local home area seems mad to me!

I would love not to worry or fret but it is not easy getting to that place. If a kid doing stupid things, it is harder to switch off.

Sure, it may be more sensible, but he's an adult man.

You sound overly anxious and controlling.

He's a young adult man with a very recent history of doing stupid things. If I am concerned there is a real underlying reason for it. I think telling him to walk in a group late at night is responsible advice.

I’m a worrier about other stuff but trained myself to rein it in. It’s futile here because there is literally nothing you can actually do - he’s now an adult male with full capacity.

In a weird way I found it freeing when dd1 hit 18. Her life is up to her now. We are always here and will offer support and advice if asked but it’s her life and frankly it’s out of our hands now. If it had been up to us she would have gone on an organised trip for her gap year. But it wasn’t up to us.

She’s quite sensible but not infallible the most sensible young adult can do daft things. It’s part of the pain of parenthood - letting go.

How did you train yourself to rein it in? Did you have a lot of support to do this? It helps if you DD is sensible, and communicative. That would have made things easier in terms of letting go.

He sounds like a completely normal average young person tbh. You can give responsible advice, but he doesn't have to take it.

He is a 19 year old man. He's not going to be sensible all the time. But your idea of risky behaviour is just normal stuff like walking home on a cold night or getting drunk one or twice. Your warnings about 'arctic weather' and 'wearing headphones in the park' are irritating to him (and us). Back off with all your warnings and obsessions and apologise for imposing your anxiety on him. Then you can repair the relationship.

Many young people travel alone in central america and go rock climbing and meet strangers on grinder etc. How would you deal with that?

Some of his friends are more mature, so it is not just average for his circle of friends. I hope the more grounded friends will be a good influence on him as he doesn't listen to parents. I accept that but it is not easy to deal with.

What do you mean by support? If you have anxiety that is this intrusive you should go to your gp. A family member found medication really helped with her health anxiety.

If this post is irritating then please don't engage. To be a better person, I need support dealing with the stresses of his life stage. Telling me to simply back off is not helping that process. I need help navigating to a better place. I don't want to be up worrying but it is not easy getting to that place.

Sounds like you need medication. My family member has been so helped by it it’s made life easier for her DH and kids too as they bore the brunt of it. Sounds analogous to your situation with your DH and son having to manage your irrational fears. Its not fair on them.

I mean do you have a supportive partner / family or friends? Did you deal with your anxieites on your own?