Help with 18 yr old DS respecting house rules

[anotherglass]

My DS (19) is home from University for the holidays. I feel at the end of my tether with some of his behaviours while home, which I don't feel are respectful. While home he can come and go as he pleases but all I ask is that if going out at night he lets us know a general idea of where he's going / who with, and what time he'll be back. I also ask that he keeps his phone charged. We live in a semi rural area which is relatively safe but it is dark at night.
For background, he is prone to impulsive / risky behaviour such as binge drinking and setting off on jaunts at the spur of the moment, with little planning or telling anyone. He has got himself into some bad states where he has been left vulnerable in clubs, and while on holiday. I have explained how this makes us feel and that we are concerned but he dismisses how I feel / or acknowledge the issue. Last night things came to a head when I could hear the front door opening at 8.30pm and him heading out. I asked where he was going and he got annoyed and slammed the door on me. It was minus 5 degrees and the roads are very slippery and treacherous. I am at the end of my tether and about to ask him to leave and go back to his uni hall. I suffer from general anxiety is not helped by the fact that DH does not back me and setting some ground rules in the house, leaving me isolated. Please help me deal with this in a constructive way that helps DS and protects my mental health. Thankyou

I’m not diagnosing anything but if you have anxiety that is negatively affecting you your daily life and impacting your family why wouldn’t you seek help for that?

DS has autonomy. He lives away from home most of the year, where he does as he pleases. It is when he is at home where I see some of the extreme behaviour and have trouble dealing with it. I was there at the weekend when he nearly passed out over the toilet bowl having drunk too much on NYE. That was far from pleasant to deal with and I did not sleep well. I had a calm conversation with him the next day about this. The compromise to me involves me being calm and measured but the young man also developing emotional maturity - he is nearly 20 and this is not too much to expect.

OP, it is not your son's responsibility to manage your anxiety. You have no right to ask him where he is going, or who with. You say you want a middle ground, but I'm not sure there is one, because you seem to insist that you gave to micromanage him.

The lad lives independently away from home and has done so for nearly two years. He does not get stopped from doing things due to my overblown anxieties. I am making the point that the arctic conditions are a particular worry for a mother of a DS who has done stupid things while drunk. He was sloshed on freezing NYE and parked himself outside for a kip in freezing conditions. Some parents may have capacity to laugh these episodes off as young and silly but I find the worry emotionally draining.

If it helps I was very chaotic at 20 - lots of drugs, lots of raves, lots of unsuitable boys and not a lot of contact with either of my parents. I lived at my mum’s until I was 19 (my parents split up when I was 17) and she was on top of me all the time - asking 1000 questions and giving me a curfew and all sorts. I just spiralled more and more. I then moved to my dad’s and he just left me to it for the most part - he provided a warm and safe home but he didn’t do my laundry or cook for me - and he certainly didn’t give me a curfew! I went a bit wild for a while and then suddenly had enough and went back to uni and have a thoroughly boring suburban life today.

The point is that the smothering was really triggering me and being around it made me behave more poorly - I think I was trying to prove my autonomy. Then when all that disappeared I had the space to think properly and what was a rebellion just got boring when no one was yelling at me.

Obviously I’m aware that this approach relies heavily on luck and anxiety doesn’t respond well to luck as the goal, but the things you’re saying are quite worrying. He doesn’t have to walk in a group - he knows you want him to and he knows why but he isn’t going to do it. You can drive yourself crazy with it or just stop thinking about it.

I have intrusive thoughts sometimes and see danger everywhere. I do tend towards the cautious side and do struggle to let things go. I have to force myself out of those thoughts as it’s unhelpful. And no, I don’t have support in this as my husband doesn’t see the world like this so can’t really empathise. I just work on it myself.

But if you weren’t hassling him on his way out he probably wouldn’t have rushed out the door.

I am reflecting on this.

@anotherglass

more perspective your experience is not unusual, how you're dealing with it though, is not really working, for either of you.

Do you worry when he’s not at home? He’s usually away and not at home so logically speaking, is being more reckless. From his pov, he probably feels like he should behave the same way even though thats unreasonable because living at home with family requires different social etiquette.

People might laugh away their “near misses” but aren’t casually laughing away their children’s. You can’t hold them back out of fear and statistically crime happens at all times of day and doesn’t require the victim to be drunk or high. It’s all down to wrong place at the wrong time.

But an ambulance was called. He didn't lie there for hours.

You could tell you DS about the PPs son and the taxi. Remind him that if his phone is charged, if that happens to him he can calm you.

Thanks

I am going to let this thread rest now. I am at capacity. I will read all the posts and reflect.

I don't think walking through parks at night with headphones in is risky behaviour. At 18 I was walking 1.5 miles in the dark at 1230 at night after a bar job.

Most people are kind and would assist a young person who had got into difficulties.

Sonetimes you can either choose to be right or happy.

Carry on insisting you're right if you like but odds are long term, when you can't hold money over his head, he'll not bother coming home as it'll simply not be worth it for all the nagging he has to put up with. With your current behaviours, it's also fairly likely the second he gets a girlfriend, any girlfriend, you'll not see him for dust.

Wise words. It’s not uncommon to see sons abandon their families sadly I see it through my work. I’d tread carefully here op you not in as powerful a position as you may think

It may be the case that if you lay off him for a while, he’ll naturally feel more comfortable about telling you where he’s going as it’s just part of normal conversation and he won’t be expecting a stand off. At the moment he’s being obstinate and won’t tell you on purpose. Not great behaviour but understandable.

@anotherglass I think you've found it very hard to hear some of the things people have said on your thread and you've been quite prickly. I would encourage you to take some time to mull over the feedback and think about whether there's anything you can take on board. He is changing and your job as a parent is to step back and let him do it. That means you have to change. You really do sound quite patronising towards him and your advice is too much. At his age I did incredibly stupid and risky things. So did my own children. You cannot be there to keep them safe all of the time. They have to work out how to live in the world. It's interesting that you assume that people who allow their young adult DC more freedom/less advice don't care as much as you or have much more support than you. I think maybe you're so used to your anxiety running the show that you think it may be functional and keeping your son safe. That is something for you to work on. I think you wanted everyone to say that your son needs to change. The person you can work on is YOU. No one else.

Our DD is 23 and I ask her to let me know when she’s arrived where she going, can be hit an miss mind, but I worry, she’s offered to put the location maps on my phone, god I so want it, but said no don’t be daft

I completely understand why you worry, but I’m afraid YABU. And the more you nag him, the more likely you are to alienate him and make him do silly things just to demonstrate his independence.

I acknowledged how daft I was being, worrying about my DD's behaviour when she was home for university holidays, by realising that when she was away at uni I didn’t know what she was doing or what time she got back 'home', so I didn’t worry about her nearly so much in term-time, which was completely illogical.

The fact that you find this kind of worry so emotionally draining is the reason why so many people are suggesting you seek help to manage your anxiety. The rest of us parents are not laughing concerns off but we are able to rationalise situations and not let them control our life to such an extent. I’m afraid until you can see that this level of fear is not normal you are likely to continue to struggle. I hope you find a way to manage your fears and find some peace.

@anotherglass i have an 18 year old in a gap year but who will be off to uni next year. I get where you are coming from - we live in a city and there are some areas which aren’t so nice. It’s hard when you worry so much - my 17 year old is also prone to risky behaviours (likely ADHD related) and doesn’t always make the best decisions. I am trying to not show my worry and hold back - yes they are adults but let’s be honest you think you are invincible at that age and do stupid shit. I have to shut out the intrusive thoughts and I don’t let my mind go to all the possibilities as it would drive me insane. I imagine lots of the people who are saying ‘but they are adults now’ have younger children who haven’t yet reached this level of worry!

I understand how you feel but ultimately he is an adult and will only learn by experience. My son is 20 and, as is common for the age, thinks he is invincible. I do worry when he’s driving but I have to tell myself that he is a safe driver and my worry is irrational. He walks around in the dark and again, while I worry I just have to hope he will be ok as he’s a grown man.

I did eventually manage to persuade him to let me have him on ‘find my phone’ because it stops me from messaging him to check he’s arrived when he’s driving as I can see where he is. I only use it for that reason. If he’s not driving I don’t even look. He was rubbish at letting me know he had arrived safely so that was a compromise that we came to.

Once you have left home and become a fully independent adult returning to your parents house, even for a short stay, can be an ordeal. I used to dread having to stay over night because I found it infantilising. Falling in with someone elses rules is not my style.