Help with 18 yr old DS respecting house rules

[anotherglass]

My DS (19) is home from University for the holidays. I feel at the end of my tether with some of his behaviours while home, which I don't feel are respectful. While home he can come and go as he pleases but all I ask is that if going out at night he lets us know a general idea of where he's going / who with, and what time he'll be back. I also ask that he keeps his phone charged. We live in a semi rural area which is relatively safe but it is dark at night.
For background, he is prone to impulsive / risky behaviour such as binge drinking and setting off on jaunts at the spur of the moment, with little planning or telling anyone. He has got himself into some bad states where he has been left vulnerable in clubs, and while on holiday. I have explained how this makes us feel and that we are concerned but he dismisses how I feel / or acknowledge the issue. Last night things came to a head when I could hear the front door opening at 8.30pm and him heading out. I asked where he was going and he got annoyed and slammed the door on me. It was minus 5 degrees and the roads are very slippery and treacherous. I am at the end of my tether and about to ask him to leave and go back to his uni hall. I suffer from general anxiety is not helped by the fact that DH does not back me and setting some ground rules in the house, leaving me isolated. Please help me deal with this in a constructive way that helps DS and protects my mental health. Thankyou

In your original post you dont mention that he is treating your home like a hotel, yet the above comment suggests you're changing your tune. Is this because people are disagreeing with you perhaps.
Hes 19 not 15. He will probably be getting up to far worse at uni than he does in your semi rural area.
All parents want to protect their children, but equally we must let them learn to be independent and deal with the consequences of their actions.
If you continue as you are, then you risk pushing him away. You'll probably disagree with this comment too but there appears to be a common theme with the responses to your thread.

Yes, there is nuance, but that’s on both sides of the discussion. Was it clear to you what the poster who mentioned the possibility of medication meant? That it wasn’t meant to be construed as medical advice, or meant as an insult? There is give & take in communication, flexibility. And remembering this might make communication with your son easier, too.

I wonder if learning some distraction techniques might be useful; something to turn your focus to when you feel the anxiety flooding through you, taking you over. You might find some ideas online or you might speak to your GP about how the anxiety is affecting you and your relationships with other people.

I suffer with anxiety, too. I tend to ‘catastrophise’ possible outcomes, so I understand fears for loved ones, and I sympathise. But your reply that I’ve quoted, makes me feel like you don’t want to acknowledge that you need to change your behaviour, too,

You are defining what is stupid. He obviously doesn't think the same. Back off. Seek out the positives.

I think we all struggle with this. I just told ds my thoughts on wandering round late night with headphones in too. But at 18-21 they are adults with their own choices. I think a vague idea of where they are going/when back is a reasonable expectation though.

Do you have respect for your son? It does not come across as though you do.

Really surprised by some of these responses - it's always been perfectly normal in our extended family and while I was at uni to let parents know roughly where we are going and what time will be back, then update if going to be late. It's basic respect for parents and home - we live rurally so extra thought has to be given to how to get home at end of night as no taxi/ public transport available and some people do get themselves into dangerous situations in bad weather, so of course parents worry!
I think sitting down with him again and emphasising house rules is perfectly reasonable - you don't need to know his every move but rough idea of who's going where and agreement for text if going to be late. We don't ask for every detail or full explanation but just a general idea of what time and how they're getting home. Understand not worrying as much when at uni, but when you can see they're not home and history of being a bit daft then its natural to worry!
Some young people don't benefit from a hands off approach, a bit of extra guidance is needed, but has to be handled in a different way past a certain age. Stating your boundaries and expected levels of communication clearly is normal, but not knowing every aspect of plans and their evening is part of them growing up.
Consideration for others is a good life skill to develop for later life and relationships. And I'd absolutely be insisting on a seasonal job to help support his living costs - it may keep him busy and out of trouble!

I agree. Giving a rough idea of where you are going is just normal at any age. Plans can change and I understand that, but people don’t usually just leave the house without giving a rough idea to others.

I’ve read a lot of your replies. You aren’t interested in people telling you that you’re wrong - because you are. You just want validation for being a control freak using worry as a shield.

You carry on doing what you’re doing - suspect no amount of sense will change that - hopefully you can see where your son gets that trait.

Eventually, he will just stop coming around and bothering you. Then you won’t have this issue.

I have read all the comments and reflected. I am still of the view that DS wants to be treated like an adult, then he behaves like the adults do in this house and give a few basic / vague details before going out at night, and an idea of when he'll be back. I am not asking for a detailed plan and progress updates. That would be bonkers. As previous poster said, consideration of this level is a life skill. I am pleased that I am not the only one who thinks this approach isn't control freakery.

You clearly have not reflected at all, if that is your only feedback on what you have taken from thus thread. I have reflected and I am right. Okay then.

Yes I did reflect and having seen supportive posts I don't feel my expectations are bonkers or control freakery. I believe my DS needs to show consideration for the rules that all the other adults in this house follow. I have had a calm conversation with him about consideration - this applies not to just this house but also if he is staying with his grandparents or other family members. It really is very basic.

Same tillow. I want to know if my 19 year old uni student dd is here for dinner. Anything above that is weird. They’re adults now. She has traveled the world independently. She will
pop to see a new uni friend in London on the train etc. I think this is all great I’m glad shes living a full life. All this talk of “respect” and “consideration” to parents sounds quite sinister to me.

Actually my mil used words like this when she was being a nightmare. She’s got wise and stopped doing it now. It’s a weak persons way of exacting control while trying to appear reasonable. My own parents have never used these words.

I think some of the replies to you OP are harsh and some are down right nasty. God forbid a mother may want some basic manners and normal communication within her family. My student DD likes to know where I am going and who with out of an interest in my life and I am the same with her. We chat about our coming and goings as part of everyday conversations.

Mine are all grown now but the only rule here was if you don't want dinner let me know and send me a text to let me know if you aren't coming home so that I don't get up and find your bed empty and worry.
Ds did some stupid stuff, they all did I imagine but ds was the one who told me about it later. If you want too much information or give too much un asked for advice you won't be the one they call when they are stuck which cuts down options and increases risky behaviours IME.My lot knew that whatever stupid stuff they did they could call and I would help without judgement, those who had parents who were over invested were inevitably lied to.
Get help for your anxiety it isn't your son's job to appease it.

Good that worked for your household but it would be wrong to conclude that asking for a little bit of basic info is OTT. DS does not get the tenth degree when going out - no detailed plan, no request for updates during night or exact time when they'll be in. I agree that would be controlling. All the adults in our house will let someone know if they are going out at night / when they'll be back. Nothing more is being expected of DS.

I can understand wanting to know if they are going out if it means they don't want dinner but why else would you need to know? It doesn't affect you unless you two had plans already that needed cancelling. Likewise you only need to know if they aren't coming home so that you have an idea as to whether or not they should be home don't you?
It must be really tiresome for a young adult who lives away from home to be expected to account for his actions on his visits home tbh. I imagine you won't have to worry too much longer as he is likely to opt with his feet and not return home and save himself the hassle.

I am not the only poster on this thread where the adults in the family home let eachother now roughly where they are going and what time will be back, then update if going to be late. Families roll in different ways.

Agreed but your son obviously doesn't roll with it and neither does your husband from the sound of it and who knows whether eldest son does or not? Does he just tell you what he thinks will keep you off his back?

Blimey, as a parent, if all I had to worry about when they’re older was them walking through a park with headphones on, or having a few too many drinks I’d be quite chuffed to be honest. When you said he’s been in trouble before, my mind went to things like with the police or drugs (I know people who have had these issues with kids at uni)
He sounds like a normal student and don’t all kids tend to treat their parents a bit like a hotel (and most parents enjoy that?) when they’re back for the hols?

DH does keep family updated if he's staying out /changing plans via Family WhatsApp - so visibly we do keep eachother informed.
Having to justify myself on here when I am not attacking / interrogating other parenting styles is getting really exhausting. It is clear that other posters do not think asking for basic info / sharing basic info is control freakery.

There has been at least 5 instances of reckless behaviour in the past six months that I have heard of after the fact

Has he told you about these incidents?

I would find it very odd if someone in my house left without saying goodbye. I would not be happy at all if I was expected to absorb the consequences of someone being reckless or drinking so much they’re coming home peuking.

Yes he did. Incidents range from throwing up in a club at Uni town due to excessive drinking, to getting lost while on hols with his mates overseas due to bingeing and separating from the group - in early hours of the morning. There's other examples of risky impulsive behaviour. He was born 2 months premature - and would be in the year below if he had been born at due date. I think the maturity thing is a key issue - which will correct with time, but it is a worry.