Help with 18 yr old DS respecting house rules

[anotherglass]

My DS (19) is home from University for the holidays. I feel at the end of my tether with some of his behaviours while home, which I don't feel are respectful. While home he can come and go as he pleases but all I ask is that if going out at night he lets us know a general idea of where he's going / who with, and what time he'll be back. I also ask that he keeps his phone charged. We live in a semi rural area which is relatively safe but it is dark at night.
For background, he is prone to impulsive / risky behaviour such as binge drinking and setting off on jaunts at the spur of the moment, with little planning or telling anyone. He has got himself into some bad states where he has been left vulnerable in clubs, and while on holiday. I have explained how this makes us feel and that we are concerned but he dismisses how I feel / or acknowledge the issue. Last night things came to a head when I could hear the front door opening at 8.30pm and him heading out. I asked where he was going and he got annoyed and slammed the door on me. It was minus 5 degrees and the roads are very slippery and treacherous. I am at the end of my tether and about to ask him to leave and go back to his uni hall. I suffer from general anxiety is not helped by the fact that DH does not back me and setting some ground rules in the house, leaving me isolated. Please help me deal with this in a constructive way that helps DS and protects my mental health. Thankyou

What are you doing about your anxiety? Do you have therapy? How are you medicating it?

Most young adults do risky things. I certainly did when I was that age (living away from home, in London, from the age of 17 onwards and calling my parents to say hi once a week or once a fortnight). It was huge fun, albeit sometimes ill judged in hindsight, and I look back fondly on those days. Did you never let loose when you went to uni? Did you tell your own parents your every move?

He’s behaving pretty normally. You just have to close your eyes to the daft stuff he’s doing, allow him to have his independence and and cut the apron strings - your attempts to control him will ruin your relationship with him.

You may have good intentions but diagnosing / advising a stranger on the internet that they may need medication is a dangerous thing to do. You have no clue of my wider situation, or medical history. You still haven't told me how you managed to rein in your anxieities over your daughter. Is she sensible or did she do stupid things like my DS? Our situations cannot be exactly the same.

you deny it, but this is you putting your anxiety on your son. It is a good example of it, actually.

You said that some of the reckless behaviour came to light after the fact. So during the fact you were fine because you didn't know. You have to hold on to this - it is his decision to behave like a tit. You should try not to worry about it.

For sure, your family may say "don't walk through the park alone" but - it is up to them if they take that advice or not. As long as if something does happen you don't get all "well i said not to do that" you're fine.

It would be really interesting to hear from your older child if he just placates you with words and does something completely different.

How were you as a young teenager? were your parents control freaks?

you have a DH. He ought to be supporting you

Edited for clarity: he should be supporting you to cope with your anxiety. Not to bug your adult child about putting a coat on because it's cold

Do you track your DS’s location on his phone?

Are you really looking for advice and support? Or just validation?
Many people have told you that the problems lie with you, and that you are clearly in the process of pushing this child away. Surely you can see why he doesn't communicate with you. I would genuinely suggest you seek out counselling individually first, then ask if the rest of your family will join you in joint/family counselling. Otherwise, I fear you may simply push your son away completely....and I speak honestly as a mother of a son who sounds like much more of a risk taker than yours. Kindly, you seem to be deflecting what you are being told and rhat is not helping your relationship with your child.

It's not dangerous to suggest that medication could be a good option for your anxiety. You should start by seeing your GP.

This is so odd. Why would a partner / family or friends support a health issue? Is your version of support agreeing with you or soothing you - which is in fact inadvertently enabling your anxiety issue to fester and do further damage to your DCs.

Your DH is being supportive and protective of your DS.

Its 100% up to YOU as an adult to seek professional guidance and support to manage your irrational anxiety.

Looks to me like the victim narrative is about to pop up again - poor me - no one to fix me. That’s just an excuse for you to wriggle out of accountability for your poor behaviours and responsibilities for managing your own health.

Would you be blaming family, friends, partner etc if you had another health condition - psoriasis, diabetes, asthma etc - or would YOU seek professional help and take adult responsibility for your health.

If ds wrote this thread then everybody would tell him to lie to you so he got less hassle and you’d worry less.

I have a child a similar age and older ones who were this age and they were only expected to tell me what sort of time they were coming home especially if they were staying out overnight.

I suspect that he doesn’t even tell you that he’s gone out because he doesn’t want to answer your questions like who he’ll be with and where he’s going. That’s what you ask a 13 year old.

I think that you’re both in the wrong. He needs to at least tell you he’s going out and will be home at roughly X. You need to treat him like he’s 19 and not expect a where and who.

The risky behaviour stuff- he’s grown up and lives in a place where he has the luxury of not being a crime statistic. He will see people listening to music while walking home and will have friends who do stuff like that too. My 19yo son almost certainly does that too.

I’m not sure which is worse- being anxious about going out alone or being overly confident about it all. I can’t help but wonder what percentage of this is linked to him being male. Men are statistically high risk for being a victim of a crime but aren’t socialised to feel like that. My 19yo son doesn’t understand the anxiety that many women feel walking home at night.

What’s interesting is that your older son follows your rules completely. I wonder how much of that is linked to him not wanting you to feel anxious rather than really wanting to volunteer the information.

I’ve not read all of the replies but one of them said that she worried too but she didn’t tell her kids that and let them do whatever because they are adults and need the control loosened. I really sympathize with that sentiment. I remember becoming very nervous when they started driving places and stopping myself from wanting a text that they’d arrived.

I think it might help to think about a spectrum of risk.

some behaviour the young adults do is very risky. I would for example be very concerned if my young adult son was regularly doing heroin. The risk of drug addiction, and of it derailing his life would be high and I’d be very concerned.

all behaviour carries risks of some kind.
walking through a park late at night while drunk carries risks. Getting into a car with your mate who is drunk driving is probably more risky.

the levels of risk that people can tolerate in their lives varies. Personally I’m a believer in living my life and experiencing what I can while taking measures to reduce risk that don’t actually impact too much on my life.

when I was at uni I regularly walked home drunk through parks. People (men, usually) asked me if I wasn’t afraid of what might happen. Nothing ever happened. (actually, as a uni town it was surprisingly busy midnight-2am most Fridays and Saturdays).

young adults generally aren’t as bothered about risk as older people are. They want to get out there and experience the world and try things, and sometimes this means they do things that carry risks that older people wouldn’t take.

they want to try tobacco. They want to try drinking various types of alcohol. They want to try illegal drugs (and most of them do and decide it isn’t worth it). They want to try clubbing all night. Many of them want to have lots of sex with various people almost certainly none of whom their parents will approve of. Lots of them have unprotected sex which carries all sorts of risk.

the level of risk that you are prepared to accept is very very low compared to most people which is why you are getting the replies you are on here.

at 18, and particularly as your dh doesn’t agree with you, the only way you have to enforce him behaving in a way you want him to is by constantly nagging and guilt tripping him.

realistically his response to this is likely to be either lying to you and/or leaving and going back to halls.

young people do take more risks than older people. But if you are genuinely concerned for him you might be better off thinking about how to ameliorate these risks.

for example, my dc and I attended a martial arts class in their teen years. I do not worry about my DS in London because he has spent years training in self defence (rule 1 run away where possible) and is a black belt. He can handle himself.

what can you suggest to do to help your dc cope if he was attacked?

I’m a single parent so dealt with this kind of thing on my own. Lots of sitting on my hands and tossing and turning in bed but I don’t want my kids to be anxious and avoid talking to me about stuff. They have fucked up eg running out of phone charge and not having a portable charger but they’ve learned from stuff like that.

Thank you this is helpful and constructive. I am encouraging him to go to the gym to build up his strength and agility. I also encourage him to play sport so he keeps fit and healthy. He is an introvert and I think the binges may be how he copes with the stress. He recently took up meditation which I was delighted with, and praised him for. I find this phase very tough, even though I do try and keep rational about the worries.

Great that you are coping. I have a DH but am pretty much a single parent in many respects.

OP I think this is an excellent example of you over reacting. Suggesting someone look into medication is not dangerous. You clearly are struggling to manage high levels of anxiety and you have mentioned your mental health repeatedly.

Talking to your GP about what options are open to you, including medication, is good advice. Your reaction only confirms that you would benefit from some outside help with this.

I disagree. When my ds1 was at uni obviously I didn’t know what he got up to. But in my home - if you are living here all of us (including me) give us all a heads up when we are going out and an approx time home and keep in touch if it changes. I don’t ask my dc who they are going out with - none of my business. But I like to know who is in my house and that goes for any of my dc (and me) whether they are 11 or 26.

Just because at 18 they are legally adult does not make them mature and sensible. In particular young men are often oblivious to risk or reckless. As a parent you just don't stop on their 18th birthday (except on MN).

I get it OP. While they are at uni you can be blinkered but when they are home it's different. You live rurally, there are different risks in cities and country.

When my DS was 18 he went out with friends to the nearest town. They all lived in various villages and shared a taxi. For some reason the taxi dropped him a couple of miles away, it was sub-zero and he was stupidly drunk. Thankfully he managed to ring me at 3am before collapsing into a field. I went out in the car and found him, he was unconscious. I have never forgiven his "friends" for abandoning him. If he hadn't managed to ring me I dread to think.

I think you need to talk to him when things are calm. It's probably unreasonable to be told where he is going but absolutely not unreasonable to ask him when you should expect him home.

Hello, there is nuance here. The OP said 'sounds like you need medication'. This is not the same as saying you should look into it. OP may have had good intentions but unless she's a doctor she should not be telling people they need to take medication.

Oh my gooodness OP what a dreadful story to hear. This is my nightmare scenario. Thank god he has a mother like you that is alert and protective. x

Get therapy for your anxiety.

I understand your concern with that but how does that help by you knowing who he is with?

Just read on my local area FB group that a young man slipped on an icy pavement outside a pub last night and was knocked out. Ambulance was called. The pavements have not been gritted in my area where it was - 8 degree overnight. This is why I was anxious about him dashing out the door. Anyone else chill with just letting them do their own thing tonight?

"Thank god he has a mother like you that is alert and protective"

The majority of us are "alert & protective" mothers tbf @anotherglass those who also recognise that their children have to be given autonomy over their own lives.

Your anxiety is crippling your relationship, you have to allow him to make his own "mistakes".

It's obvious, to us all, that you will always be there to pick him up should he stumble, for now though, he feels suffocated. Do you see that?

Could you find a compromise that will suit you both?

edited; sp.

I have teenage boys the eldest (19) is terrifyingly reckless and blasé about personal safety. He travelled alone around South America for 5
months and frankly, I’m amazed he didn’t get arrested or shot some of tue places he went and situations he got himself into. I spent many a night lying awake imagining various hideous endings but did manage to calm down after a few weeks away (& agreed he would tell me stories of his antics after the event as I had a particularly scary few days when he went off grid in Colombia having just messaged to say some shifty looking blokes were following him 😭)

Now he’s home he will routinely walk home from town in the early house - yes headphones on all dressed in black and get blind drunk and pass out on someone’s sofa. If you can be bothered you can look at my history and see how I’ve struggled with him over the years

But, our relationship is so much better now I’ve massively backed off and given him space. The number of rules at home are significantly reduced but none-negotiable and that includes telling me when he will be home at night and treating us & his home with respect. If he wants to sleep in the car or in a field then that’s on him, but I want to know if we should expect someone coming in whilst we’re asleep! I have to trust he has sufficient clothing/battery charge/money etc for his plans and if he doesn’t, it’s on him to sort unless he rings for help.

I know you say you don’t have support for your anxiety over these things, but if it’s not GP/medication, what exactly do you want or expect? My DH is far more laid back than me and says I’m too neurotic /overly involved / should let them work it out so any fears I have are on me to manage and I’m sure that’s how it is for most people. if you aren’t managing then you need to get professional help either by way of therapy or medication.

I hear you, my son 20 has just been home from uni too, went away yesterday.

when he’s at uni I don’t worry but when he’s here he likes to go out without a key or suddenly needs a lift home late at night.

So yes I’m checking what his plans are for everyone’s benefit when he goes out, we also live quite rurally. Thinks it’s normal tbh no matter their age.

@anotherglassIve just seen your comment about the local lad slipping on ice. You could literally say that everyday about awful things you read in the news - the house fire that killed that poor lady and her 2 children on Boxing Day, the terrible tragedy in Switzerland - no one could foresee those and you can’t go through life worrying about what may or may not happen or avoiding all risks. These sort of thoughts can become intrusive and all consuming and the point which at you might need to get some help.